Oh wow. Hey… this is… this just so great. Thank you. Thank you so, so much.
Listen – I
just want to say a word or two about my very good friend Mark, OK?
I think you
know who I mean. I know he didn’t direct
this movie. Fact is, he hasn’t directed any movie since that unfortunate incident
of masturbating into some of the female extras’ shoes on that last movie of
his. That was a bad time for him.
But listen –
Mark isn’t a quitter. No way. And he loves this business. Sure, he couldn’t get any directing or
writing jobs any more. But he came to us
and he begged for some work on this movie – any work. He was on his knees in
front of me and Brad, crying his eyes out and kissing the ground. That’s how passionate he is about movies.
So we took
pity and gave him a job as a laundry boy.
Just for the clothes. Not the shoes. We made that very clear. You see, some of the shoes in the movie were really valuable – Louboutin – you
know? And the costumist was really
worried about them with Mark around.
Semen can damage fine leather quite badly, apparently. So we were all talking about it, and saying maybe
we should get a lockable cupboard or something, when Brad said “Why not lock
his cock away instead?”.
And you know
– when we told him that was a condition of his staying on the picture crew,
Mark didn’t hesitate. He wore a chastity belt for five months, right
through the hot summer months. Why? OK,
because he was desperate. But also
because he’s a true professional.
And I just
want to say that that same professionalism shone through everything he
did. The chorus girls’ sweaty leotards,
the stuntmen’s grimy overalls, even Brad’s favourite socks came back clean and
pressed every day without fail. One time, I had such a heavy period and we only
had one spare of the white shorts I had to wear for the scene we were shooting?
Well, every time they got stained, Mark would take them off and hand-wash them
and dry them carefully with a blow dryer, in time for me to change and just
keep on filming. Didn’t I tell you he isn’t a quitter!
Yeah! That’s right!
Give it up for Mark! We love you Mark!
And he’s
here tonight! Can we get a spotlight on
that table there? No – the next along…there!
Hey Mark!
So, yeah,
Mark – I know you didn’t want any kind of fuss made. But all the other stars who’ve made speeches
have thanked all the people who played really important roles in the
movie. So I thought maybe I’d use my
time to thank you instead. And I know
just how to do it.
You ladies,
there on the table with Mark? Yeah – you
three beautiful ladies! I want you to
stand up on the table in front of him.
Yeah, that’s right. ON the
table. Careful how you get up there. And one by one – I want you to
let him sniff your shoes, nice and slow.
Oooh – Jimmy
Choo! Mark’s in luck.
Go on Mark.
You know you want to. You deserve it. I got my Oscar, and you get your reward too,
compadre! Good job.
Let’s hear
it for Mark!
Hey – have
we got time to get him up here for a speech too? If we’re quick? OK!
Mark – c’mon
up here! We want to hear from you!
Oh – he’s shy. C’mon guys, slow clap. We can get him up here.
Mark. Mark. MARK. MARK. MARK. MARK.
OK!
Actually, I almost never watch the Academy Awards. I find it rather offensive, the way some of the stars they celebrate are men. And even in the awards for actresses, I find they often single out people other than Anne to win. There’s just no need for that, in my view and I wish they wouldn’t do it.
