body modification – Contemplating the divine

In days of old

… when knights were bold. Some possibly a little too bold, as we shall see.

It’s sometimes hard to understand why people think modern democratic systems of choosing leaders are superior. I mean, what better qualification for government could there be than murdering all your relatives? OK, Charles III didn’t do that (Liz Truss, it was, who offed our beloved Queen) but that’s just because the world has gone soft.

Another good system, this time for selecting royal consorts. Might have less-than-ideal evolutionary consequences after centuries of the same approach, admittedly.

This is actually a faithful account of a real world D&D experience I had. In fact, almost every D&D evening I can recall ended with my experiencing some kind of anal violation… just unlucky with the old D20s, I guess.

Honour was upheld, as was his cock before the cheering crowd.

…and finally, a succession of knights all seeking the same evil witch but who all ended up encountering a different lady entirely. What are the chances?

She’s one of these women that just accumulates stuff around her home. It’s silly, really. I mean, she’s already got at least five boot-scrapers, six if you count the one she’s planted flowers in.

That is indeed very confusing. Fortunately, being a hitching post isn’t at all complicated: even the stupidest males can cope.

Oh dear. Looks like no one’s ever going to find that evil witch. Still, this Solstice Feast sounds fun. Apparently she always has a knight there specially for the feast, it’s the tradition.

Love and abjection

You might want to try noble, stoic silence? No? Oh, OK: frantic pitiful grovelling it is, then.

Don’t worry, it’s only until next Christmas, then she has other plans for her little porky-boy.

I imagine you’re expecting a joke here about being ‘tossed off’ but I won’t because (a) it would be weak, unfunny and in very poor taste and (b) I’ve done it several times before.

Her paces, obviously. Moron. Do you expect her to change the way she walks just to accommodate you?

Personally I’d rather they were in those cute Young Communist Pioneer outfits. But my opinion doesn’t matter.

If you like Contemplating the Divine* then you will certainly have loved Freddie’s Tales.** You, therefore, like me, will have been devasted when Freddie’s Tales disappeared from one day to the next. Also like me, therefore***, you will be absolutely delighted that Freddie is back, with a new blog and no doubt just raring to produce more of those fabulous Beetle books.

So get yourself over to Freddie’s new blog. I – hey come back! I didn’t mean now. Read the captions below first, moron. That’s what you came here for, right? Men… I dunno.

My SO and I have been experimenting with pre-signed suicide notes. It’s a kind of next-level thing, you know? Edgy, I know, but it works for us.

I think I can give her 110%.

Sounds like you are actually going to be discussing it… at length. But not until you’re safely married.

Consent seems to be a theme of this post. That’s because it’s so important. My SO always insists that I consent to everything she does to me.

Thank goodness they no longer hunt foxes. That was so cruel.

* And if you don’t like Contemplating the Divine what the fuck are you doing here? Are you some kind of weird masochist or something? Freak.

** Except the Femsub bits, obviously. One day, I hope young Freddie will meet a lady who will set him right about the suitability of that sort of material.

*** Writing this, I realise how uncannily similar we are, you and I. We laugh at the same things, cry together – we should get a drink some time, yeah?