bdsm advice – Contemplating the divine

Life (of a sort) imitating no sort of art

Not a proper post today, but continuing in the same theme of actual things that actually happened to the actual me…

So… I had a wonderful session last week with my wonderful beautiful smart creative and witty regular domme. And one of the wonderful things this wonderful person decided to do was have me kneel before her while she read a poem and occasionally she’d stop and I had to guess the rhyming word and if I didn’t get it right she slapped my face.

And that’s a lot of fun if you’re me. And the poem she chose was The Raven by Poe.

And I was just thinking as I knelt there, looking happily into her smiling face, that this is quite a strange thing for a sex worker (that is a term she uses and is proud of) to do. I mean, some sex workers presumably have actual sex, although that’s not an activity I’ve ever tried in session. We all have our limits, after all. Sitting there, fully clothed, reading poetry and occasionally slapping someone is an odd thing for a sex worker to do. If you think about it and I was thinking about it, while also frequently trying to guess a rhyme and being slapped when necessary.

And then she got to the line “And is there balm in Gilead” and I suddenly had a profound moment of deja vue (and a good hard slap) as I remembered this:

…which I had previously posted in my almost universally unpopular series of ‘Rule 18‘ posts, in which I put up pictures (usually uncaptioned) of lovely ladies dressed or behaving weirdly, and one is supposed to imagine the poor things gamely trying hard to fulfill some usually unseen client’s ludicrously over-complicated sexual fantasy.

I particularly liked the one above… even though I had to caption it. It’s the expression of vague embarrassment on the blonde lady’s face and the way her colleague declaiming is making such an effort to get it right. (My wonderful domme did it effortlessly of course).

The original ‘Advice to a novice domme’ post defining a ‘Rule 18’ violation is below:

That’s all for today. Abnormal service as usual from now on.

Oh all right then, you’ve read this far, you can have one new captioned image. Advice to a novice domme, obviously. Which (for the avoidance of doubt) my own wonderful, clever, elegant, creative and perfect domme does not need.

Misfortunate males

Oh dear, not again. You’d think she’d have learnt to be more careful by now.

My SO promised me, when she brought out my first little maid’s dress that if it ever became too humiliating, I could take it off. So far, apparently it never has – in fact, she generally thinks it’s not humiliating enough – so we’ve not really tested that, but it’s good to know. Safeguards are important.

Respect is very important in a marriage.

Young people in love can be so romantic… let’s hope he gets out of their way quickly.

This humble slave once assumed ‘supplication position #3’ to ask its revered and powerful Mistress whether She would gracefully consent to granting Her humble slave the precious gift of a high-protocol BDSM relationship, but she just told it to fuck off and stop being so irritating.

Clean sweep

A few weeks ago, I published ‘Advice to a novice domme‘ in which, among many other wise and practical ideas, I humbly suggested that dommes should not “assign actual housework tasks to ‘sissy maids’ because they’ll fuck them up and might actually damage your stuff. All they want to do is mince around with a feather duster and then get spanked, anyway”.

It occurs to me that several sissy maids might be offended, hurt and humiliated by this suggestion. That’s absolutely fine, of course, no one cares about a few sulky sissies. I’m sure your mistress can wipe that frown off your face, with a few well-aimed slaps from her palm. And for those who have a humiliation kink, perhaps you should even send me some session fees as compensation, hmm sissy?

But if there are still any sissies out there stamping their little feet, balling their fists together and having squeaky tantrums, here is some actual proof (all images certified collected at random from the Internet, so I think we can agree their accuracy is unquestionable) that you’re all completely useless.

Proud to present: cleaning sissies, on the job

A little dishwashing mop, sissy? For that task? Only… I don’t see any dishes there, do you? Oh – and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a mop quite so pristine…. I’d have thought that if you’ve been working hard using it, it would have been a little discoloured by now? That lady behind you looks quite cross, doesn’t she? But then maybe that’s what you’re hoping for.

Good idea sissy. Nothing worse than a dusty TV-cabinet. Let’s fluff that dust up so it settles somewhere else.

Dusting the floor, sissy? OK, well, whatever.

Not a shoe brush. And you’re out of uniform, sissy, you bad girl.

Also not a shoe brush. So not a shoe brush. What is that thing? Also, sissy, the technique seems to involve your domme standing on one (high-heeled) foot, holding her other foot off the ground, while you flick at the shoe with… with that. She’s going to be almost as uncomfortable as you are. Well: until she decides to make you more uncomfortable still, I suppose.

Uh-huh. Might take quite a while to get the whole house done. Still… I expect you’re paying by the hour, so that’s not her problem.

I don’t even want to think about what’s going on here, but I suspect it’s not conducive to really effective cleaning.

That’s right, sissy. Mistress is going to be very pleased with you when she looks out through the sparkly clean, erm… lower half of each of her ground floor windows. Dommes never use the top halves of windows; it’s a well-known fact.

What is it with sissy maids and feather dusters?

So… let me make sure I understand. You’ve got the brush from a dustpan and brush set and you’re placing a few bristles from it against the floor? Right. And this is intended to accomplish what, exactly? I mean in cleaning terms, rather than sexual gratification, obviously.

Oh good: another feather duster. And… what are you planning to clean with that, sissy? The floor? That mat? I don’t think so. Not ‘cleaning’ cleaning.

…and just for avoidance of doubt: if actually instructed to use an inappropriate cleaning implement, then you’d better bend your head down and get on it it, hadn’t you, hmm? That pert little mouth is for scouring and sponging the kitchen floor, not for answering back, girl! And don’t you forget it.

Now: for any sissy maid still offended… Just stop crying, girl, you’re just smudging your make-up and making yourself look even more ridiculous than usual, OK? Don’t worry: no one’s going to take your feather duster away. Or your frillies. Goodness: what a fuss!

Advisory warning

Following the triumphant failure of the long-running series ‘Advice to a novice sub‘, this blog impertinently presents the first batch of a brand new series: ‘Advice to a novice domme’.

How dare I, you ask? Hmmm. That’s a good question, actually.

And most important of all (so why isn’t it #1 – who decides these things anyway?):

…and a bonus image!

Looks like this lovely lady needs to read #18, up there, again. It took her hours to put this lot together and it’s not like he pays any more than anyone else.

Inspiring contempt

It probably wasn’t intentional – just one of those things, you know? No point making a big deal of it.

Don’t worry, she said ‘yes’ the second time around. And then she charged for her presence at the marriage ceremony at session rates – rather a sweet touch, don’t you think?

Yes, that should help take your mind off it. I think she’d like a back-rub too, if you don’t mind.

Many new husbands find it difficult at first, now they have to discuss things with someone else instead of just deciding for themselves. But it’s actually part of the joy of marriage. My SO, for example, prefers that I discuss with her before taking important decisions such as speaking, getting up from my knees or leaving her presence and – to be honest – I can hardly imagine how I managed before.

No problem – I’ve got both on speed-dial.

The whole principle of arguing with women is intrinsically wrong

I’m not claiming the link is really on topic but (a) I like Simon Pegg (b) I like Sally Phillips too – rather a lot (c) she does say that and she topples him too… After that, it’s less interesting.

Meanwhile, more of this:

She’s right. You can have a lot more sex in a chastity belt than without one, oddly enough, especially if you’re taken to the right clubs.

Of course Suzie won’t mind at all, but it’s kind of her to ask. Consent – it’s the foundation of BDSM.

I must say, I find all these lovers’ pet names a bit embarassing, don’t you? Goodness, if I were Brad I’d be cringing with humiliation right now.

I mean, obviously, the two of you can always use a gag when you play, but I’ve always thought that really spoils the sensation for the woman. A muffled ‘mmmpph’ can be cute enough, but sometimes what she really needs is a good, sustained session of agonised, terrified screaming. Yum.

Actually, he is still experiencing a paid-for abduction fantasy. Only difference being: it’s hers.

If it’s Friday, this must be Belgium

Regular readers will know that occasionally I depart from the fantasy theme of this blog to give practical, down-to-earth advice to subs on visiting dommes. See this, this or this, or even this for example.

But my stats tell me that this blog has readers from all over the world and especially the USA, so I was thinking it might be time for a post especially for the American subs. No – I don’t mean one using particularly short and simple words. I do that anyway, because I am well aware that many of this blog’s readers are male and I don’t think it’s fair to make it too difficult for them to follow, in the brief amount of computer time they’re allowed. I mean a post that helps US visitors to Europe navigate the complex but fascinating cultural backwaters my tired old continent possesses.

So here – in a bid to alienate the majority of my readership – is some advice to a US sub, visiting Europe. Have a nice day now, y’hear?

Advice to a novice sub – Part 2

Many readers of this blog ask me questions, and not all of them are of the “Why don’t you just fuck off and die, Servitor?” form, either. I know you regard me as a kind of wise old man of femdom, and after I published a blog post last year with a few choice tips for submissives less experienced than I am in visiting professional dominant ladies, the response was overwhelming and – in a few cases – not entirely contemptuous.

So, mindful of the fact that you don’t know my real name or address, and so you can’t sue me for any consequences, here is another batch of Servitor’s tips for any subs considering a visit to a pro-domme.

Advice to a novice sub

As a well-respected member of the BDSM community, I am often asked questions by novices to the scene. These are usually along the lines of “Why are your captions so fuckin’ lame, loser?”, but just occasionally someone requests my advice. And of course, I am always happy to oblige.

Naturally, all my experiences in the scene have involved paying pro-dommes – it’s not as if anyone’s going to spend much time in my sweaty presence unless they’re well compensated for it! But within this very limited sphere I have, I think, acquired some expertise – I might almost go so far as to say wisdom. And I am very happy now to share some of these insights with you, my loyal readership.

So, without further wittering: some advice to a novice sub. In the form of captions. Obviously.

The ladies featuring so beautifully, and misleadingly, in this post were (from the top):

Divine Mistress Heather
A lovely lady from Schoolmistress Fantasy
Lady Sophia Black
Mistress Eleise de Lacey
Mistress Darla (now retired I understand, but here from The English Mansion)
Miss Jessica Wood (who – you can be quite sure – most definitely wood not!).

Servitor’s handy hints for safe bdsm play #182

This week’s handy hint: safewords! After this picture!

Now, here’s someone who looks like he’s going to need a really good safeword. Let’s see how he gets on, shall we? We’ll check back on him at the end of the blog post.

Here we go with Servitor’s top ten words or phrases that are unsuitable to use as safewords:

10. More please

9. Eyjafjallajökull (unless you’re Icelandic, in which case Vanhankaupunginselkä will do just as well)

8. I hardly felt that.

7. That was great, Mistress. Now I just need a blow job to finish me off! I’ll pay you extra, if it’s a good one.

6. (your bank account details)

(top 5 after the picture)

Listen: whatever safeword you choose, don’t be like this silly old fool and forget what it is, OK? It might seem a bit of a chore to learn it carefully, but really, when you’re screaming the place down and begging for mercy for the last half hour of your session, you’ll wish you’d repeated it to yourself just once or twice more. You know?

5. How can a clam cram in a clean cream can? (but you have to pronounce it right)

4. కష్టం నాకు విప్

3. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a
good fortune must be in want of a wife. However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first
entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the
surrounding families, that he is considered as the rightful property of some one
or other of their daughters.

2. I think you should stop, you’re not doing it right. My last domme was much better.

…number one after the picture (you’re getting the idea, right?)

Now here’s an interesting situation. Can there be any doubt that the only acceptable safeword for the bottom to choose here is “Ninety, thank You Mistress”?

…and the number one winner, with more than twice as many votes as the next most unsuitable is…

…wait for it…

1. Bitch

There we are. Just another handy hint from Servitor. Annoying the hell out of dommes, so you don’t have to. Testing No. 1 was pretty damn painful I can tell you, but it’s all part of the service.

Let’s see how our young test subject got on, shall we? Did he choose a good safeword?

Oh dear. Better keep checking in with Servitor’s handy hints!

Oh – one last thing! Remember, readers, never – ever – confuse anything you read on Contemplating the Divine with serious bdsm advice. OK? Play safely now!