True love’s first slap

She’s vegan because she can’t abide cruelty, except under carefully-controlled conditions.  Her blonde friend there isn’t so fastidious, so I’ve heard.


It can be quite tedious for our superiors, having to wait to let the dread build up. Thank goodness she has someone to keep her company,



There’s such a gap between language and reality, the way men talk about sex.  Like – a guy might say that he’s got something hard between his legs but I’ll bet it’s nothing like as hard as what I’ve got between mine.


For a long time, I can honestly claim I had ‘never had any complaints’ from women, sexually speaking, but then there was the shocking experience of my first date. Still, so far only one woman has ever actually told me on the basis of experience that I’m bad at sex, all the others have just played it safe.



I can’t imagine how he was expecting to get through passport control, naked with his wrists shackled behind him to a wooden bar locked around his bollocks.  I mean, he doesn’t even have proof of his posiitve PCR test.





Household rulers

I’m normally done in 15 seconds anyway, actually.

Some evenings she likes just to chain him to the cold cellar floor, come upstairs, grab a bottle of Chardonnay and a box of tisues and settle down to a good rom-com on TV.

As long as the first ring goes on OK, erections shouldn’t be a problem.

That is the deal.  I have yet to discover when, if ever, is ‘off shift’.
I seem to spend my whole life charging devices – if it’s not the shock collar, it’s the phone, and all her vibrators need constantly to be fully charged too… modern world, I suppose.

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