Pet sounds

Let’s hope she’s not trying for a multiple orgasm today.

If they do a good job, she’ll probably want to buy the monthly pass.  Works out a lot cheaper.
Hi Belinda.  You know, about pain play… I’ve been thinking. 

And then he has to sow the wheat but after that he can take a bit of a rest until harvest time.  Apart from practicing for the competition at the Country Fair, obviously.

Oh dear.  I hope she’s not too disappointed.

In the morning…

…when the madness has faded.

Oh, yeah, it was good, thanks.  Well, it was kind-of good, but it was kind-of
weird, too.
See, I picked up these two German guys – at Anaconda, you
know, that new bar by the river?  Anyway,
Kurt and Walter, they were and we got talking and one thing led to another, and
I asked them if they wanted a fuck and so off we went.
And I thought they’d take turns, but they wanted to do me
together – one at the front, one at the back, you know?  And they both had lovely big cocks, and they
were quite tall, so I’m actually impaled there, really, with my feet off the
ground with all my weight pushing them all the way into me, so that was great.
But I couldn’t really move, so I’m thinking ‘now what?’ and then they both just
start thrusting, using their knees to jiggle me up and down.  They both had really strong thighs –
cyclists, I think.
Anyway, I’m just gasping away as all this is going on, and
then I realise they’re talking away to one another while they fuck.  I don’t know what they were saying but they
were just looking straight at each other and chatting away, and when I tried to
kiss one of them he kind of brushed me away so he could keep on talking to his
And that’s when I realised, they weren’t really fucking me –
they were fucking each other!  A bit like
when I realised on our wedding night that you were more interested in my panties
than in what was inside them.  Remember?
Well… more fun than that, obviously.  But
it was a bit humiliating actually – I guess they couldn’t admit to themselves
that they were gay, so they just had to use a girl like a… like a plug adaptor
or something.
They took me from both ends after that, with me down on all
fours, and then I really felt like a piece of meat.  Hi guys – I’m Julie, I’ll be the tube
connecting your cocks tonight!  Enjoy.
Anyway, they’re leaving for Germany this afternoon, so I
suppose that’s that.   
It’s a bit sad,
really, don’t you think?  That they fancy
each other so much but they have to fuck girls all the time to express it?  It is a bit like you and the panties, isn’t
it?  Only less pathetic.    

Oh, that reminds me, actually – can we move your unlocked night to Wednesday next week?


Very sensible of her to discuss it straight away, so they can sort whatever it is out and get on with their marriage.

I suppose it’s good that she’s finally getting more use out of them. Normally, she puts them on once a month at most and even then she only uses one finger and a thumb of the left glove.

Nothing humiliating there… move on.

Oh, Susan will blame him.  She needn’t worry about that. He should, though.

Mind what?  Why can’t the ladies featured on this blog just say what they mean?  It’s maddening, it really is.

When you’re in a fix

just call for the men in tights!

Well… those are two of her spanking aprons, anyway.  She has more.

You never know when you’ll need to do some sudden washing up in the middle of the night.

Hmm..  Turned out they don’t have a vibrator at the reception desk, but they sent up a couple of their room service guys anyway and they were able to sort the problem out, so that was OK.  Pretty impressive customers service, I’d say.

Now you see that’s just typical of my wife – she sends me out to buy the stuff but doesn’t tell me what she wants it for!  Now I’m going to have to buy both – she hasn’t heard the last of this, you know!

The magic’s still there.

I beg to differ

… but she rarely lets me.

I don’t want to do anything she disapproves of.  It’s too painful.

Always expect the unexpected. Except on this blog, where we ran out of ideas years ago and just keep recycling the same old tropes.

It’s only a small bottle, but they deliver them in packs of 24, annoyingly.

darling, of course, I… do you know, I don’t seem to have a pen with
me?  What a shame, I’ll just – what’s that? You have one with you,
darling?  Oh. Oh good.  Right.  So I just sign…?  There.  Right.
Mmm… blackmail fetish and schoolgirl play combined!  Lots of fun.

Demeaningful statements

Not much of a twist in the storyline in that caption I’ll admit, but sometimes the expression is just, perfectly right.

And they say romance is dead.


Watch out for the bottom-pinchers.

If they manage to catch him and chain him up again, I expect they’ll work out their anger together.

Don’t be afraid to give in to your feelings, Diana.  Do not try to fight who you are.

Reality show

What am I wearing? 
You want to know what I’m wearing you fucking pervert?

OK, I’m wearing a check shirt and a pair of loose
jeans.  What?  No, I’m not going to tell you what underwear,
asswipe.  But it’s functional: cotton,
you know.
What, you thought I’d put on something sexy just to do this
phone sex call?  Fuck you!

Oh, I see, you want me to lie?  You want me to tell you I’m just lounging
here in some kind of fetish fantasy garb, hmm…? 
Leather bra… big thigh-high boots for you to lick, maybe?  You’d like that, huh?

Not going to happen, loser. 
You’re paying to jerk off, you’re gonna jerk off to me just as I
am.  Jeans, check shirt… no make-up.  And I’m sitting on a bus, I’m going grocery
shopping.  I need to stock up on tampons, cos it’s my period and I’m almost out?  And you have… oh I dunno, like
two minutes before it’s my stop and I end the call, so if you’re gonna jerk off
do it now, asshole.

Hmm?  Yeah, the bus is
pretty crowded.  You tugging?  Up-down-up-down-updownupodownup…

Hurry up, just pulling out from the stop before the mall.

Updownupdowntugtugtugtugtugtugtugtugtug?  Oh. 

There.  Was that
special for you, hun?  Hope so, cos it’s
all you’re ever going to get.

Oh, and tribute’s going up by another 40% next month,
creep.  And tell that fucking bank of
yours if they’re a day late again, you’re gonna have to go three months without
hearing your Goddess’s voice, yeah?

Yeah, I know you worship me, creep.  That’s because I’m female and talk to you
occasionally.  Don’t forget – 40%.   
Now fuck off.
“Hmm?  Yeah, sure I’m wearing gloves and boots. It’s cold here in Buffalo, moron.”
The lovely lady featured in this story is Goddess Rodea, of the American Mean Girls (they seem to have branched out beyond Miami and might even have rebranded again), who really do just sit around in sexy lingerie all day,  doing unpleasant things to males.  But this caller doesn’t need to know that and I won’t tell him if you don’t, OK?

She’s pure as New York snow

and if you’re lucky I expect she’ll tease you.

I expect she was just joking.  Like the castration stuff – you shouldn’t take her too seriously when she says things like that.

Well, OK, as long as I don’t have to try to be brave.
So she should.

It worked on the first seven males she encountered.  Not the brightest, human males, are they?
Two lonely people… why not give it a go? What’s the worst that can happen?

Doing it Her way

He doesn’t look very brave.
Actually, men in relationships always hate it when their partners throw out their stuff. I remember the day my SO sent all my clothes to the charity shop.  I cried for days at the time but She told me I’d thank Her for it eventually, and so of course I did.
Hmm. I wonder if I should ask him to pay some of the cost… this wasn’t cheap and he got all the fun.
He’s lucky. I have to fill a whole page with silver or gold stars to earn any kind of reward.
Yes, best to keep it vanilla at first.  And then you can move on to more adventurous play when you get to know each other a little better.

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