gimp – Contemplating the divine

Far and wide of the mark

Regular ‘readers’ of this blog who actually bother to look at the words, instead of just beating off to the pictures of pretty ladies looking stern, will realise that much of its ‘humour’ is inspired by the style of Gary Larson’s cartoon The Far Side.

Where ‘inspired’ in this context means “a pathetic and embarassing attempt to publish femdom porn in a manner that is spuriously justified”

This week’s ‘special’ (no, not your monthly ‘special’, you have to ask Mistress for that) is a collection of captions that are particularly ~~blatant rip-offs of~~ close homages to that style. Without, obviously, either (a) infringing anyone’s intellectual property rights or (b) being funny.

Enjoy. Or don’t. I get paid just as much either way.

Pain points

These ladies like to emphasise them.

Probably best to clear two hours, there’s no point in rushing these discussions.

Oh well, if it’s complicated probably best not to inquire further. Anyway, you’re paying for this time. Let’s play!

For the avoidance of doubt, I am sure that in real life Goddess Lady Skotia plays safely and delightfully, so the widow’s fascinator (such a lovely word) is just part of the outfit. And she does look very fetching in it.

“I am her Highness’ gimp at Kew, pray tell me Sir, whose gimp are you?”

It’s Mike I feel sorry for. *She* might not be bothered where her shots end up but he has to run to fetch the bolts back. A fully cocked crossbow fires them at several hundred miles per hour, so they go a long way if nothing gets in the way to slow them down.

Miss Chambers from Cruella a long time ago… such a pretty nose.

That’s a bit unfair. I frequently get quite close to girls who are having real sex, sometimes under the very bed where it’s happening.

Winners focus on winning. Losers focus on winners.

Life is pain, Highness

True, that. I’ve experienced a lot of pain in my relationships with women and I can only hope and pay for more in the years to come.

The dog gets the jelly bits from the cans of food, too… it’s really not fair.

It might be quite difficult for Treasure at first, as she has such a kind personality, but with the right teacher I’m sure she’ll learn to enjoy it.

As if there was any doubt that men are pigs – look at this guy! Couldn’t he have made at least some effort with his appearance, for the most important conversation he’ll ever have?

Apparently that’s called a ‘power pose’ – makes her feel powerful and in-charge. Although frankly, even sitting down in a comfy chair with someone draped across her lap awaiting the hairbrush, she comes across as pretty in-charge to me.

Phobia play’s a lot of fun and you don’t need the complicated set-up depicted here. Claustrophobia play, for instance, can be effective using something as simple as a heavy sack and a cupboard. And with two claustrophobes, it’s more than twice as much fun.

A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me

I think Abraham Lincoln said that. Which just goes to show that even the smartest guys can be really, really dumb when it comes to the unfairer sex, but there you go.

And here we go. Not an Abraham Lincoln-themed day, startlingly enough.

Men are stronger than women but chains are stronger than wrists – and steel or even plastic is stronger than a cock, so it’s all right.

Don’t blame her for being so clingy – or for the concern about your untimely death. When you think of what happened to her first two husbands, it’s hardly surprising, is it? The poor thing.

She takes a holistic approach to cleaning. It’s not just about cleaning the apartment; it’s also about cleaning up your lifeand tidying up your attitudes (and cleaning out your mouth too, if need be).

Don’t worry, it’s just a job to her. She leaves it behind every day, when she walks out of the Retributution Room and washes the blood off her rubber apron and lets the screams fade behind her. Oh – and she likes rom-coms. That’s OK with you, yeah? For some guys it’s a no-no.

Looks like another quiet evening in, then.

Much better to be the only slave in their cottage than to be one of any number of interchangeable males at the back and call of some city woman. Think of all the attention you’ll get! Plus all that healthy country air.

Faith, hope and chastity

Wow – Kurt’s just the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t he? For next year she’ll probably change the system so it’s the average number of fucks she gets a night that’s your annual limit, rather than the maximum, but for now I guess you get to let yourself go! Or rather, she gets to let you let yourself go.

They’re not the first. Many visitors to the OWK castle reported hearing the rattling of chains and far-off moaning.

Males who were bullies at school usually fail miserably in the workplace, which can be cheering for their victims who end up pursuing successful careers. *Female* bullies, on the other hand, have the option of a very highly paid career (at least on an hourly rate basis), should they choose to follow it. Or she could be a historian – I mean, her take on Henry VIII is fresh and seems to convey an important truth about the world.

She should have it put it away in a cupboard before someone gets hurt. No where’s that lazy husband of hers, just when he could make himself useful? Oh. Oh yes.

Annoyingly the show cut to a commercial break immediately after this comment and when it returned David, although somewhat red-faced and out of breath, was much more polite. I’ve made enquiries about whether the cameras kept rolling during the break and whether footage exists, but some large gentlemen from Ms Johanssen’s entourage came to inform me that I was wasting my time.

What a forward old man David was, to be sure.

Securely married

Impressive she became so good at it, if she was a late developer.

She’s just trying to build trust.

Some restaurants just do that automatically, but I always think that doesn’t show enough respect for the owners. The lady might not want her gimp to stop being thirsty just yet. Admittedly, she can always just keep the mouth zipped, but it’s the principle of it.

It can be difficult. I often feel a bit let down when I’ve paid for a humiliation session and the domme doesn’t tell me anything I haven’t been told by almost every woman I’ve ever met. It’s not the dommes’ fault, poor things, I know they do their best.

She can be forgetful. Like that time she spent almost ten minutes trying to change the TV channel with his electric shock control. Good thing he was gagged or he’d have screamed the place down, because she was trying for Channel 84 – it has this rather good flower arranging competition; like Bake Off but for flowers. Sounds a bit dull but she likes it. She was ever so cross when she realised what a silly thing she’d done that caused her to miss the first ten minutes.

Persuasive speech

Ooh! A potential ally. That’s rare: so few women take men’s lib seriously.

You can’t put a price on job satisfaction.

Don’t worry, I’m sure she can’t trace your IP address. Just keep reading Contemplating the Divine… everything’ll be fine.

He doesn’t need to renew his vows to her, of course. I mean, she’s not going to release him from them, or anything.

Oh well. No real harm done. You do look a bit like No. 23, actually – I don’t know whether anyone else has ever mentioned that? But then we all look near-identical… hence the numbers, I suppose.

Oblivion is all you crave

Goodness me, I remember adoring (and by ‘adoring’, dear readers, I mean surreptitiously masturbating to) the Robert Palmer video of Addicted to Love from which that title is taken, when it first came out in 1985. But generally when I trace my 80’s obsessions (= things I masturbated to) they are blurry messes*, much like my brain at the time. But this has been digitally re-mistressed in HD remarkably well. Worth a look.

Of course, as everyone likes to note, the models in the video were famously unconvincing as musicians. All of them lost the beat at various points (just look at their legs – no hardship that – around 1.25) and the second from the right never seems to have found it (and plays the guitar by tickling it), while the drummer acts as if her drums asked her not to leave any marks, before the session started. Wikipedia says that a musician hired to teach them how to do it gave up after about an hour and left, and rumour has it (but I can’t see it) that if you look really closely you can see them mouthing “one-two-three-four… one-two-three-four…” as they do the moves.

But that’s the point! It’s like my occasional captions featuring wildly ignorant or uninformed ladies acting out school scenes, thrashing their clients for providing what were actually the right answers**. They can be totally incompetent but they are still infinitely superior goddesses to be worshiped absolutely. They don’t need to earn that adoration in any way whatsoever.***

That’s my philosophy, anyway. Maybe not up there with Socrates or Kant but it works for me.

Stop blithering and get on with the captioned images, you say? Why of course.

Servitor top tip: any conversation featuring the words ‘scrotal clamps’ is bound to be a little uncomfortable. Just go with it.

I hope the other one doesn’t get jealous.

Why experience a pointless and meaningless death when instead you can devote the – short and agonising – remainder of your life to making someone happy?

I’ve always been lucky that way. From my very first date, actually.

He’s rather forgettable. Sometimes that serves him in good stead, as being noticed too much can be painful.

* Oh God, The Dominatrix Sleeps Tonight. So… about the first 30 seconds of that featured on some BBC music show when I was a teenager… and then stopped! AAAAH! And there was no Internet, dear children, and the only way you could see a music video was if some TV show chose to play it. And I had never, ever seen any actual porn featuring an actual dominatrix, just that one glimpse (with heart thudding) of Valerie in that Pink Panther and… and… I watched music TV obsessively for years just in the hope that… and it never… oh, it was a different world, dear children, a different world.

** There’s a few of them. This for instance – way back when! That earned me several comments helpfully pointing out that Sydney is not actually the… oh well. Second in popularity only to the opposite theme, of dommes taking school sessions way too seriously and trying to impart actual knowledge.

*** The goddesses, according to Wikipedia , are “Julie Pankhurst (keyboard), Patty Kelly (guitar), Mak Gilchrist (bass guitar), Julia Bolino (guitar), and Kathy Davies (drums).”

**** As it is nearly Christmas, let’s have a little look at the parody in Love, Actually, too shall we? Yes, we’ll do that. And that is still lower video quality than the re-mistressed Palmer video! But the goddesses are goddesses and that’s the main thing.

***** Yes, I know there’s no asterisk marks beyond three in the main text above. But sometimes you start something and it’s hard to stop.

****** Readers based in (or prepared to undergo any amount of travel time to) the UK, who find the look of the goddesses in this video exciting, might be advised to approach (very respectfully indeed) a real-life Goddess, namely Serena. She is extraordinarily wonderful and indeed used to be a model.

Don’t make her tell you twice

Attentive ‘readers’ might have noticed that the ladies in my caption are often portrayed complaining about being made to do things to the implicit male sub: beat him, deny him sexual relief, castrate him, torture him to death… whatever little domestic chore is required. Some might find this a little odd,as you’d think in such a relationship, the decision-making would rest with them, as representatives of the superior sex. So possibly they’re being a little unfair – which is one of the many, many reasons to adore them.

Here’s a lady who is already on her second attempt to persuade you to pay some attention to her feelings, for a change, the poor thing. If you manage to avoid making her tell you three times – and you do a really good job – maybe she’ll forget all about it. Or maybe she won’t.

Yes, must be awful. If only someone would do something. Oh well.

These days it’s still basically summer in October, so plenty of time.

His counterpart who traveled to our universe is trying to deal with being a subbie with a Nobel prize. They don’t give them out for housework, so he’s finding it a bit difficult.

Win some, lose some. Lube up.

Sustained abjection

She loses track. Does it matter?

Oh dear, I hate to see women using their sexual wiles to swindle some poor chap. Why not learn an honest trade like findomming and just take his money in exchange for the privilege of being openly mocked or simply ignored? Then they’d be using their talents to contribute something to society, you know?

He must be very grateful.

Safety first – sure,everybody knows that’s rule number one in BDSM play, but what’s less often remarked is how important it can be in non-consensual revenge torture too.

People’s definitions of physical sexual intercourse vary. I use my body to pleasure the lady in my life by writhing around in agony, screaming, occasionally losing minor body parts and so on. Is that ‘sexual intercourse’, strictly speaking? Does it really matter how we define the activity, as long as she enjoys it and no harm is caused to anyone who matters?