vicars and tarts – Contemplating the divine

Wicked, flagitious, tyrannical acts

If you’re worried about whether you’ll be able to please her sexually – don’t be. You have plenty of pain receptors and a full set of vocal chords, and that’s all you’ll need.

Obviously, I visit sex workers, although I have to confess I’ve never really understood why the ladies I visit call themselves by that title.

Looks to me like they’re considering him quite seriously already. I think he’s got a good chance of getting through to the next stage: in-depth assessment.

She’s just looking for the right man. I’m sure when she does find him, she’ll keep him.

I expect he’ll be taking those opportunities; it would be so ungrateful not to.

Sexually impermissive

She is technically a sex worker but then what you are doing is not technically sex, so I think it’s really up to her.

You could try giving her just a little trouble. Just to test that wrist action.

Yeah, it’s not a sexual thing for him. Or for you, as you’ll discover.

I had a very sheltered upbringing – so much so that I was still a virgin when my second wife divorced me.

Obviously.

Ladies in red

Men’s libbers are actually firmly opposed to being spanked. Most men are, actually. But they always end up thankful for it.

I once paid a prostitute to have sex with me – booked with a credit card. But when I opened the door to her, she looked me up and down, dug around in her purse, handed me the same amount in cash and walked off. Which could actually be quite handy some time, if I’m ever somewhere with no ATMs.

Never try puppy play alongside an actual dog. They’re better at it. Much the same goes for sex and real men. Don’t even try – you’ll just look foolish. And you wouldn’t want that.

Except that she’s started by using social media to advertise, so her first clients are precisely likely to be your friends. And your close family members.

She’s sneaked a tub of lube into the bottom of your tuck box. You know: to make the first few days a bit easier. She’s kind like that.

The seven stages

Denial
Anger
Indiferent denial, with a warning
Bargaining
Denial with retribution
Desperate pleading
Amused denial

You can get an app for it too. Every day, it doesn’t remind you.

He thought if he told them he was a vicar they’d go easy on him. He was wrong. My friend who’s an investment banker had a similar experience but much, much worse.

Fortunately, the balls don’t feel like the same thing either. No more worrying about that knee! But there are other things to worry about…

I didn’t understand why it had to be so wide, but then I met Richard.

It’s a ridiculous fantasy, of course. You can’t just chop a man in half and then attach his dismembered body to separate halves of a sex doll. Well… you can, obviously, but not so he continues to live. You’d think she’d have realised that after six tries, the silly thing.