Born to be Wilde

Today’s theme is gardens and gardening for reasons that should be obvious.

I’ve always fantasised about my Mistress lending me out to a vanilla friend, but it’s actually less exciting than you might think.  One of her old school friends offered to try it, but almost as soon as I arrived and got changed into my perky little maid’s outfit, somehow I knew it wasn’t going to work.  I did the housework for a bit but I think we both felt uncomfortable and so after a couple of hours he phoned for Mistress to come and pick me up again.

Scurry scurry scurry.
There are more dandelions.  Many more.

He’s at peace, now.

If she does roquet you – that is, hits one of your balls with hers – then she gets to ‘croquet’ – and there are two ways of doing it.  The American rule is that she puts her foot down, firmly holding the ball immobile, before tapping it with her mallet.  But in Britain, she just places her ball next to yours and thwacks as hard as she can. It’s all in the angles, you see.  Anyway, both methods are a lot of fun.

Gynarchy for the UK

It’s coming some time…maybe.

All these are to be read out in a Bri-ish accent, orright?

Don’t worry – she’ll give her one more chance. She’s quite forgiving really.  She’s just cross because she’s got to go to all the trouble of murdering you and disposing of the body, that’s all.

I myself am very firmly opposed to corporal punishment.  Forunately, nobody pays a blind bit of attention to my views.

She’s good at riddles, too.
Send him out?  Honestly, Henry shouldn’t let her just boss him around like that.  He should stand up for himself… be a man.

He does.  But I’m sure he’s grateful inside.  The British Institution – not to be confused with the Royal Institution, although the one time the BBC made that mistake was the best Christmas science lecture series ever.

See if you can spot the eight men concealed within this picture!


It’s good to live in a comunity united around a shared interest.

Her feelings matter, remember.  A lot.


I’d reach for ‘Polite dissenting opinion No 1’ but ‘we’ decided to remove it from the approved list.

It’s a good idea to wear a lot of pink, to avoid being mistaken for a feral male. Ferals hate wearing pink – especially frilly lacy things.

Aww… sweet.  My own SO asked me how I’d like her to remember me and I suggested an alarm on her phone, every month when it’s time to change the straw. It’s working out pretty well.

New year, same old nonsense

Welcome back. Hope you enjoyed the extra captions over the 12 days (or possibly the first 11 days if you’ve been reading the comments sections too) of Christmas. 

Back to normal now, though – twice a week is all you get.  Ooh-er, sounds bit rude!

They practice mindfulness too.  That involves thinking very very hard about what’s about to happen when your skin won’t stretch any further.

Might take quite a while to do penance for all of the sins during those five years of freedom.  Still – there’s the rest of your life.


I’m a member of their frequent shriekers’ club.


Of course, it wasn’t like that when she bought the house.  There was no flowering bush behind the gimp feature – in fact, the garden was mostly just gimps all over.  Much more colourful this way.




Or – on  most occasions – participate.

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