Category: humour(?)

Doing femdom right

As an experienced femdom blogger, I get a lot of questions about how to do femdom right, because it’s so important not to do it wrong. Naturally, I have picked up a few things over the years (antibiotics can help, I find) and so I have occasionally published a few humble words of advice – to subs and, to my slappable shame, dommes.

Among the latter, one piece of advice stands out proudly, at an angle of almost 70 degrees to the vertical, swaying slightly and with a glistening thread of pre-cum dangling from its tip. I refer, of course, to Servitor’s Rule 18, which reads:

“Try to avoid sessions with clients who have really specific fetishes and can’t get off unless it is exactly right.”

The Internet continues to ignore my advice on this (as it does on many things, to be honest, such as whom to elect as President of the United States, the difference between the words ‘alternate’ and ‘alternative’ and the savings to be had from taking an annual subscription to Armpit Fetishist Monthly rather than buying each edition separately*) so here are some more examples of Rule 18 violations I have noticed, a few of them captioned.

It’s remarkable how quickly most dommes will terminate the email exchange if you simply ask “Can you provide your own falcon, or shall I bring one?”
Just say no.
It’s quite impressive because the three of them have never actually worked together as a team before.
She’s a pro but even she’s regretting agreeing to this in January. Brrr.
If this turns you on, then Your Kink Is Not My Kink. But then, if it was, in every respect, then you’d be writing this blog instead of me, wouldn’t you, and then what would I do?
Consensual, don’t worry. Neither safe nor sane but always consensual.

* No seriously: you can get 40% off. That’s a lot of dank, pungent goodness for your money.

These women’s work

Pray God you can cope

As they say, it’s no humiliation to beg pitifully. Don’t they? I’m sure they say something like that, they say all sorts of things.
Women’s football is so exciting… just look at all those clothes getting sweaty and boots muddy. I’d be queuing up at the changing room door, hoping to be picked.
Very considerate of her, but I doubt the others really mind.
Theyu have all sorts of codewords, to keep the real activity hidden. For example, if a client requests the ‘steam pressing service’ then the victim is placed in a huge steel press and slowly crushed while being blasted with boiling hot steam. OK, maybe that particular codeword is a bit obvious, but they have others too.
Ah, another of those ‘opportunities’. Bizarrely, when I’m placed in that situation, I can rarely think of anything very coherent to say.
People assume the OWK was all torture and savage beatings and long nights shivering in a cold prison cell – and it was, obviously, but with a lot of laughter too.

Books do furnish a dungeon

Due to the unparalleled reach of this blog (other blogs may – indeed do – reach more people and indeed many of the same people, but none will be exactly parallel), book publishers tend to send me ‘flyers’ for their latest publications. I thought I might as well chuck them onto the blog, as you lot will wank to anything with pretty girls saying vaguely pervy things, and it’s a lot easier than doing anything creative.

Available in all good bookshops, but you might have to go along way to find a bookshop good enough, these days.

It’s the best rule there is

Been a while since I did a post about Rule 18. Why? Oh, probably because that series isn’t really femdom and no one likes it. But I was thinking… do I actually care what my readers like? Do they deserve to see stuff they like? The answer to both questions has to be no, of course not. And you know you don’t deserve that, if you’re honest with yourselves, don’t you, hmm? That’s right. So this is what you get today.

For anyone confused, beyond the normal male mental fog, ‘Rule 18’ is from Servitor’s (rather presumptuous and impertinent) advice to a novice domme and it states “try to avoid sessions with clients who have really specific fetishes and can’t get off unless it is exactly right.”

Mostly just silly pictures, but some have captions. Oh – and at the end, some illustrations of why Rule 3 matters, too.

To comply with decency laws, the picture has been cropped to avoid showing what is holding up the central peg. Incidentally, in English croquet, unlike the American version, you don’t hold either of the pairs of balls down with your foot when you whack them with the mallet. Though that does sound fun.
“Of course it is! Gahhh – it’s ruined now!” (Rule 18, ma’am, rule 18…)
And this one too. He said green wellies, dammit. Green!
If they finish the piece and he doesn’t clap, they’ll beat the crap out of him, of course. Oh, and if he does he’ll collapse, they’ll fall off and then they’ll… well, I’m sure you can guess.
I hope she’s remembered to bring all the latex, this time.
Don’t ask. She just wants to get it over with.
Best to hold the session when the tide’s going out, I’ve heard.
Now that’s just obscene. Do people really…?
Howl!

Post-script: I promised you some Rule 3 illustrations too. Rule 3? Oh, yeah, sure: “You are not expected to have sex with your clients. Thank goodness.” Basically, just images of particularly unattractive malesubs*, especially in the presence of a gorgeous goddess.

Divine Mistress Heather, of course, kindly letting her sub land in water for the practice attempt before the filming starts.

* I suppose some people might object to my sneering at the appearance of people who are – after all – just male submissives like myself. Why should they be singled out to be degraded and humiliated, by my mocking them in this way? Isn’t it unfair? And the answer is yes, of course, it is: they really ought to be paying for this treatment, the cheap little bastards. But hey, it’s nearly Christmas, right? They can have this one as a freebie.