blonde – Contemplating the divine

She builds you up just to put you down

What a clown.

Funny how often that happens. It’s as if the spinner’s drawn to that outcome.

I discovered very early on in my dating career that the secret to really satisfying a woman sexually is to make sure she never meets me.

She has a similar approach to the men in her life – she likes them hungry, but not actually starving to death, or at least not too quickly.

She likes to feel a big cock inside her, so why can’t you?

Remarkably, AFM won a Pulitzer back in 1957 but its editorial standards have slipped a little since.

Give way to oncoming women

Or “yield” as I believe the Americans would put it.

You might imagine your life would be harder if you really cut down on spending on yourself – but actually, it will be much, much harder if you don’t.

Oddly enough, the most unpleasant-tasting thing a domme has ever made me ingest in session was something that was actually intended to be food: a jar of cheese and cauliflower babyfood. No wonder babies learn to talk so quickly, if that’s what we’re feeding them.

No, no Brer Fetish Model … please don’t make me clean out your sweaty latex!

Good thing you’ve got something to do to take your mind off the humiliation of what’s going on upstairs.

Fortunately I’m largely immune to SPH as my ego is even smaller, if such a thing can be imagined.

Yes: blame yourself. She always does, so why quibble?

Oh, if there is one Lady I’d love to see again, it is Lady Sophia Black. She lit our lives up like a, like a… hmm… comet? No, something brighter. Like a flamethrower, then retired too soon, too too soon.

She’s focused on what’s important in the relationship and you should be too.

That’s an interesting question – let me ask you one in return, preferably on my knees, with my paws up like a begging dog.

He has an excellent retirement plan and one day she might tell him what it is.

She also likes to play “this little piggie”, especially the bit about shrieking all the way home.

The shape of things to come

Another science fiction-themed post! Sadly not featuring those whip wielding Amazons from Space 1999 this time but I’ll try to remedy that in future.

It’s very important to maintain carefully controlled conditions, in science. I expect that’s just what she intends to do.

Maybe when The Change happens, whatever that is (and how do they pronounce those capital letters anyway?) everything will become much clearer.

They had to replace the ‘Cruelty free’ label with ‘Cruelly tested on male animal experimenters and cosmetics industry executives’ but it didn’t do the sales any harm at all.

Her culinary ideas might be a bit odd but she’s really good at sex. Just ask the vacuum cleaner.

And you don’t even need to wear a condom: absorbing your bodily fluids is actually her goal. So what’s not to like? Apart from imminent death, obviously, but if you’d run away you could have been hit by a bus or something that same day, you know?

Oh dear. I hope she finds some sort of use for it.

A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me

I think Abraham Lincoln said that. Which just goes to show that even the smartest guys can be really, really dumb when it comes to the unfairer sex, but there you go.

And here we go. Not an Abraham Lincoln-themed day, startlingly enough.

Men are stronger than women but chains are stronger than wrists – and steel or even plastic is stronger than a cock, so it’s all right.

Don’t blame her for being so clingy – or for the concern about your untimely death. When you think of what happened to her first two husbands, it’s hardly surprising, is it? The poor thing.

She takes a holistic approach to cleaning. It’s not just about cleaning the apartment; it’s also about cleaning up your lifeand tidying up your attitudes (and cleaning out your mouth too, if need be).

Don’t worry, it’s just a job to her. She leaves it behind every day, when she walks out of the Retributution Room and washes the blood off her rubber apron and lets the screams fade behind her. Oh – and she likes rom-coms. That’s OK with you, yeah? For some guys it’s a no-no.

Looks like another quiet evening in, then.

Much better to be the only slave in their cottage than to be one of any number of interchangeable males at the back and call of some city woman. Think of all the attention you’ll get! Plus all that healthy country air.

Thrashing out an agreement

Many people think that any deals thrashed out in the context of a long-term femdom relationship will inherently be unfair to the male, but it’s just not true. Every time my SO and I have come to an agreement about something, the deal has always involved my getting something I value: an imminent prospect of the cessation of pain, for example. That’s usually a lot more important to me than whatever it is I have to give up in exchange. So it’s a win-win, really.

It has to make both of them laugh, mind. It would be easy enough just to set Mistress Eleise off, as she loves a good ‘dumb blonde’ joke and will burst out in fits of giggles if she hears a new one. Try it if (as I have been) you are ever privileged enough to session with her – it can lighten the mood, especially if you have requested a heavy session. The ‘dumber’ the blonde character the better, take it from me: your experience will be memorable.

The wonderful, magnificient Eleise de Lacy, of course, and the delightful Miss Woods who has not had to suffer the unpleasantness of Servitor’s proximity.

Love, honour and obey as long as you both shall live.

I’m told a good way to teach males to curtsey deeply is to suspend a heavy weight on a short chain from their testicles. Ducking far enough down relieves the pain, briefly, you see. Another good way is to inflict unbearable pain on them until they get it right. Or why not try both?

Very true. She got only four out of twenty on her last test, so I’m afraid he’s really going to have to suffer.

Underwater cunnilingus can be quite hazardous to the male health even with ladies who don’t actually get off on drowning you, unless either they can reach orgasm really quickly or the male has oxygenated very thoroughly. Proceed with caution and if in doubt: try it first with someone who really doesn’t matter.

…and an extra one with an absurdly long caption, why not:

I’m not sure Mrs Hudson is going to be too happy about that. Especially as Holmes still has 150 of his 500 punishment lines to write: “It was thoroughly disrespectful of me to frown when Mrs Hudson smashed my violin, giving us all a much-needed respite from my tuneless playing.”

O Fearefull frowning Nemesis

Daughter of Justice, most severe / That art the world’s great Arbitresse / And Queene of causes raigning heere.

Don’t try explaining that it’s too late to do anything about it now. She knows exactly what she intends to do about it, and it’s never too late.

Ironically enough, Pam herself has slaves make the cakes. But I doubt that’ll do him any good.

The wonderful Mistress Sidonia of course, Head Mistress and goddess incarnate at the English Mansion.

What Colin has here is a failure not to communicate. But I’m sure he’ll be given some very direct feedback to help him improve.

Speak softly and always carry a massive dildo.

And do you really fear that you might fall, fall, fall, fall, fall, fall

The European female she’s here. Warning: safe for work and contains scenes of a non-sexual nature. Warning 2: yet another expression of Servitor’s fixation on 1980s British soft punk. But then so’s this.