There are seventeen more important rules

 …than this one but Rule 18 is the only one that regularly features here.  Reminder: it’s the advice to a novice domme that reads “try to avoid sessions with clients who have really specific fetishes and can’t get off unless it is exactly right.”  But it’s just become an excuse to post pictures of things that might be weird fetishes or would be weird as fetishes.

Yes, I know none of you like this series.  But (a) this is an extra post, so you don’t miss out on the usual Tuesday and Friday deliveries of wank-fodder and (b) I don’t care.

Oh that coy, come-hither look!  And those froggy eyes.

This particular kink is neither sane nor safe.  Makes a nice arty picture, though.

As it happens, the client’s specific fetish in this one was being told to fuck off and make coffee, so it is actually a Rule 18.

What are the rules of this game again? Very different from the sort of hockey I played at school, anyway, which involved a ball, curvey-ended sticks and lots of fantasising about sporty girls with strong thighs charging around the playing field wearing gymslips (sadly in short supply at my boys-only school).  Although in January and February, the playing surface was quite similar to the one in the image above, because our playing fields flooded, then froze.  As did we… made me the man I am today, y’know.

Oh… This Kink Is Definitely Not My Kink.  If it happens to be yours… well, you’re the luckiest person on the Internet today, then, aren’t you?

She looks pretty wascally to me.

She doesn’t want your pathetic, wilting, stale little cup-cake, loser.  She wants the firm, sweet and satisfying cup-cakes those guys have to offer.  Possibly all three of them, at the same time.

Of course she has.  She’s a professional.

Advice to a novice domme: no.  Just no.  Especially not in those heels.

Life (of a sort) imitating no sort of art

 Not a proper post today, but continuing in the same theme of actual things that actually happened to the actual me…


So… I had a wonderful session last week with my wonderful beautiful smart creative and witty regular domme.  And one of the wonderful things this wonderful person decided to do was have me kneel before her while she read a poem and occasionally she’d stop and I had to guess the rhyming word and if I didn’t get it right she slapped my face.

And that’s a lot of fun if you’re me.  And the poem she chose was The Raven by Poe.

And I was just thinking as I knelt there, looking happily into her smiling face, that this is quite a strange thing for a sex worker (that is a term she uses and is proud of) to do.  I mean, some sex workers presumably have actual sex, although that’s not an activity I’ve ever tried in session. We all have our limits, after all.  Sitting there, fully clothed, reading poetry and occasionally slapping someone is an odd thing for a sex worker to do.  If you think about it and I was thinking about it, while also frequently trying to guess a rhyme and being slapped when necessary.



And then she got to the line “And is there balm in Gilead” and I suddenly had a profound moment of deja vue (and a good hard slap) as I remembered this:


…which I had previously posted in my almost universally unpopular series of ‘Rule 18‘ posts, in which I put up pictures (usually uncaptioned) of lovely ladies dressed or behaving weirdly, and one is supposed to imagine the poor things gamely trying hard to fulfill some usually unseen client’s ludicrously over-complicated sexual fantasy. 

 I particularly liked the one above… even though I had to caption it.  It’s the expression of vague embarrassment on the blonde lady’s face and the way her colleague declaiming is making such an effort to get it right.  (My wonderful domme did it effortlessly of course).

The original ‘Advice to a novice domme’ post defining a ‘Rule 18’ violation is below:



That’s all for today.  Abnormal service as usual from now on.





Oh all right then, you’ve read this far, you can have one new captioned image.  Advice to a novice domme, obviously.  Which (for the avoidance of doubt) my own wonderful, clever, elegant, creative and perfect domme does not need.




Sweet surrender

Actually, I find it works rather badly and her boots need extensive cleaning afterwards. Luckily.



Pro-domination is such a difficult business – I am frequently in awe at the skill and grace with which dommes carry off the ‘pretending not to despise me’ bit post-session.




Should be a Rule 18 but I’ve been overdoing those posts lately.


 I suspect her client would enjoy these illustrations by that genius Sardax, the beauty of which is enhanced by the gracious presence of the lovely, wonderful Alice Malice of London.




Worth a try.  You might even enjoy it but let’s hope not.

That’s going to cause some funny looks in the office – after all, ‘Bring your gimp to work day’ isn’t for another three months.



Which rule?  Rule 18, of course.  Which states – as I’m sure you know – that dommes should “Try to avoid sessions with clients who have really specific fetishes and can’t get off unless it is done exactly right.”

Alas, unlike my own SO’s ninety-seven House Rules, which are quite strictly observed and still more strictly enforced, I encounter* examples of rulebreaking daily for this one.

So… yeah, here are some more.

Notice the thick socks inside the fur boots.  Socks are often a giveaway of a Rule 18 violation in progress.  Not if the socks are smelly from exercise and being used to wipe the face of a humiliation slut, though… that’s just good healthy femdom play.

Orca play.

Actually, this one started when his domme turned up one day and said “I’m afraid my leather jacket is being cleaned – will this do?”  And he never looked back.

It’s not just the use of the domestic flamethrower that makes this a Rule 18 violation… it’s the flying golden penis to the left of the flowers that are being torched and it’s the Shredded Wheat package.  Oh… the Shredded Wheat package.  “Can’t get off unless it is done exactly right.”?  One day, she didn’t have any and used Weetabix instead… nearly lost a client.

Not quite sure whether this one belongs here or in my series on femdom scenes being played out with heavy industrial machinery… but it definitely needed wider circulation.  By the way, those knees: do you think she originally had it installed for a slave who was just a little shorter?

She’s supposed to beat his ‘snake’ with a shillelagh, while commanding it to leave Ireland.  Or something.

OK, this whole video (and, as far as I can tell, much of the careers of the two lovelies featured here) is basically just one long Rule 18 violation.  If you’re into latex-clad pretty ladies cooking and eating men dressed as broccoli in order to get rid of bags under their eyes… well, I guess this is the video you’ve been waiting for your entire life.  If not, you might like it anyway.  I did, actually.  In fact I just watched it again. My eyes hurt… but in a good way.


Oh look, I embedded it.  I particularly like the way they look cross so often.  I love it when pretty women look cross.

* Did you notice the way I managed not to write ‘I come across’ there?  See, I’m dealing with my addictions.

Really specific fetishes

Regular ‘readers’ will know that, although rules are important to me (I’ve experienced too much pain in my relationships not to understand the importance that rules can play) I am not one for laying them down.  However, Rule 18 is an exception, as presumably are at least another 17 rules, but we don’t talk about those.*

Rule 18, of course, is more in the nature of a guideline as it is offered humbly as advice to a novice domme and it states “Try to avoid sessions with clients who have really specific fetishes and can’t get off unless it is done exactly right.” 

There are so many violations of Rule 18 out there it is hard to know where to start, but here are a few more that have caught my eye.


Only the smallest of dommes can even hope to pull this one off.




Apparently there have to be three of them and they have to be from similar ethnic backgrounds or ‘it’s just not the same’.  Remember the bit about ‘unless it’s done exactly right?’  That’s why we have Rule 18.

And this is just terrifying.  There are some very sick people out there, if you ask me.

They don’t even get
to swap roles.  The blonde lady once suggested that she could take a
turn holding the feather and declaiming and their client just looked at
her as if she was mad – why would that be erotic?  ‘Exactly right’, remember?  And yes: the plastic kangaroo is part of it too, thank you for asking.

This just looks like good wholesome fun… not sure what kind of fun, but yeah, whatever.  Note the decorative use of plastic beads.

I thought of a
few questions to ask about this one, but I tend to aggravate ‘readers’ when
this blog strays into politics (apart from the female supremacist kind,
of course, but that’s less a political statement than a simple
acknowledgement of reality) so I’m just not going there…


OK, I’ll admit that’s rather erotic.




* Except Rule 3, which states “You are not expected to have sex with your clients.  Thank goodness.”  I am preparing a blog post featuring Rule 3 illustrations: i.e. photos with mean-spirited commentary mocking male submissives looking particularly unattractive: grossly overweight or pathetically skinny (fairness does not feature much in Rule 3), gormless or otherwise repulsive, in the finest hypocritical traditions of this nasty little blog and its unpleasant author.  If you’ve ever been photographed in loving adoration of your mistress, you might even feature in it, mightn’t you?  Worth checking out, anyway.


So much Rule 18

 Rule 18, for those of you not familiar with this blog, advises dommes to “Try to avoid sessions with clients who have really specific fetishes and can’t get off unless it is done exactly right.”   Obviously, being directed at (or ‘humbly proffered to’) dommes, it is more what you’d call a ‘guideline’ than an actual rule*.  Nonetheless, it seems to me a useful principle and as I wank work my way around the Internet I am forcibly struck by how very often it is flouted**.

Consider the following, for example:


He’s been banned from every Michelin dealership in Southern England.




They have to be mainly yellow, but not plain yellow.  Tricky, unless you know where to get them.  You’ve got to admit, though: done correctly, it’s startlingly erotic.



“Where oh where can that naughty slave of mine have got to? Is he under this table?  No!  Is he hiding behind the ceramic pot?  No!  Hmmm… I can’t seem to find him anywhere.  Heeheehee!  Wait…did I hear someone giggle?   I don’t suppose he could be… inside the zebra, could he?  Could he? Yes!  Yes he could!




That’s a French ship of the line, probably a 74-gunner.  But the rigging’s all wrong – a shame after she went to so much effort with everything else, but that’s why we have Rule 18, right?




The worst of it is: this outfit is not the Rule 18 fetish.  It’s what she has to wear to perform the Rule 18 fetish safely.  Not for the faint-hearted domme.***


Don’t even ask.  Possibly the worst Rule 18 violation yet – that’s all I’m saying.



* So why did I call it ‘Rule 18’ you might ask?  It’s a good question and I will explain some time.****

** Yes: ‘flouted’ not ‘flaunted’, which would mean essentially the opposite in this context.  Editor Domme may be gone but standards must be maintained. 

*** I’ll admit I haven’t met many of those.  None at all, in fact.

**** Were you expecting a footnote referring to Pirates of the Caribbean, perhaps?

Rule 18

A while ago I published one of my helpful posts aimed at novice dommes and subs, drawing upon my years of experience to give guidance – top tips, so to speak – so the new generation can avoid the mistakes of its predecessors. 

Within that, I suggested what has become known – to me at least – as ‘Servitor’s Rule 18’, namely: 


Since then, I keep coming across* images online which can only cause me to think that no one reads this blog.  Rule 18 violations abound.  Here are a few – just a few – examples



CFEM play: Clothed Female, Exhibited Male.  Note, however, that most clients admitting to a fetish for ‘exhibitionism’ are unlikely to be seeking to be put in a glass case with a small type-written card explaining their provenance and archaeological significance. But for those that do: Rule 18 applies.



Eskimo play (more properly called Inuit play nowadays) is actually straightforward enough if you happen to own a punishment igloo and have access to dried seal meat. However, most clients request the domme to wear an outfit (not shown) that can be hot and uncomfortable, so this qualifies for Rule 18.





Servitor top tip: if the scene requires knowledge of industrial chemistry it’s probably a Rule 18 violation.




Dalek dress | Doctor who cosplay, Doctor who costumes, Dalek costume
Actually, this one’s quite a turn-on for me.  Now where’s my sonic?




Known in the business as ‘Violet Beauregarde play’, I believe.  Dommes attempting it are advised not to use pumps that can exceed the officially recommended pressure (and if not sure, should undertake the inflation in an open public space).




Ah, yes: ‘Latex nun birdcage guy’.  My SO remembers sessioning with him. She still has the birdcage somewhere.


Rule 18… so very Rule 18.



NB: for anyone taking this all too seriously (a) you’re reading the wrong blog, mate; (b) YKINMK-ETDAMTLN-BIRYKAAMKAFWT**.


* Note to self: remember to add feeble ejaculation-related pun down here. 

** Your kink is not my kink – except the dalek and maybe the latex nun – but I respect your kink and anyway my kinks are fucking weird too.  

Tread softly, for you tread on my…

…actually, modesty forbids me from saying what she was treading on.  Let’s just say that she crushed my hopes and severely injured my pride.

That should take your mind off the pain from the ring she just put on you.
Has she ever considered just walking around the horse shit?  I mean, that would be so much more considerate, right?
Yet another example of a failure properly to consider Rule #18, here.

So much better to resolve these things without having to involve the insurance companies.  Paying and fucking off is actually one of my favourite femdom activities, so it’s even a bit of a turn on too!

Men in this day and age have to realise that there is nothing inherently humiliating about being financially dependent on a woman. The humiliation, if any, is all in the way it is done.

Advisory warning

Following the triumphant failure of the long-running series ‘Advice to a novice sub‘, this blog impertinently presents the first batch of a brand new series: ‘Advice to a novice domme’.

How dare I, you ask?  Hmmm.  That’s a good question, actually.

 And most important of all (so why isn’t it #1 – who decides these things anyway?):

…and a bonus image!

Looks like this lovely lady needs to read #18, up there, again. It took her hours to put this lot together and it’s not like he pays any more than anyone else.

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