To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he’s a machine, a walking dildo.

Valerie Solanas said that, bless her little cotton socks.

The male gaze is often directed inappropriately, such as when men attempt to peek away from the wall during corner time. Fortunately, women know of techniques to help us learn not to look where we mustn’t.
They might even try a little roleplay later on.
In Valerie Solanas’s utopia, the testicles themselves would be illegal contraband and confiscated at the border.
In my experience, women really hate it when you lose consciousness during a heavy pain session. And if you think about it, it’s a very selfish thing to do: putting your own needs ahead of hers.
Some men spend their whole lives chasing after beautiful women.
Soon after my marriage I learnt to stop worrying about being whipped and instead learned to worry about whether I was doing everything I could to please my SO. You might see it as a mere semantic distinction, as the two are so closely linked, but I found it helped.

Incidentally, you might be interested to learn that I have discovered the man who holds the best job in the world. Doesn’t look very happy about it, does he? Perhaps he’ll resign and they’ll advertise for a replacement… we can but dream.

What matters in life

And who.

Don’t worry: as long as it’s perfect, you’ll be fine.
They do say a change is as good as a rest but clearly ‘they’ have never had nipple clamps pointlessly snapped off and then clipped back on again.
Sometimes a young person will see something and simply think: ‘Yes, this – this – is what I want to spend the rest of my life doing’.
The staff there are all experienced in pain management, but Nurse Stevens is the real expert.
He might have misunderstood what ‘room and board’ meant at the OWK.
Kitten likes her men to be healthy. Except some of the older richer ones, who have redrafted their wills to better reflect their true wishes.

The wise man knows himself to be a fool

And I don’t claim to be wise enough for that, but at least I have the self-awareness to pay ladies to tell me what an idiot I am.

It’s good they have a relationship where he can just get down on his knees and admit to things like this.

Looks like someone forgot rule 7…

Poor old fat bastard is going to need counselling after the session, Fortunately, that’s something she provides too – she specialises in men who suffer from anxiety.
Oh, how annoying for her.
Nata’s got so much love to take and so little time.
On the packet it does say ‘not to be ingested’, but she says ‘lick it all off’ and who are you going to obey?
Some might find these contraptions excessively complicated, but Barbara’s not afraid to try things and just keep trying until they work out.

…but only if she says you can

Don’t worry: she knows how important it is to you, that’s why she wants to think about it for a while.
Naughty boys should be seen and not heard, unless your set-up runs to a subterranean cell equipped with a feeding tube and high-pressure cleaning nozzles, in which case they don’t have to be seen either,

She’s de Lacy…

She believes it’s important to have a relationship with male colleagues based on mutual understanding. Not mutual respect – that only goes one way. But mutual understanding, certainly.
She’s never really fancied findomme, but she might be persuaded to take your money and ignore you if you can make it worth her while.
Whoops! Evidently, I forgot. Would you mind if I throw myself at your feet and plead desperately for mercy?
When she canes, she usually gives out four factorial strokes in each session, but sometimes offers a choice between that and the cube root of thirteen thousand eight hundred and twenty-four.

I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me

More captions departing from this unduly real world we are unfortunate enough to live in.

As the tale is all about seven short-arse males doing hard labour in a mine to provide diamonds for a beautiful princess twice their size, it’s surprising there aren’t more femdom interpretations of Snow White. But there’s this.
They wanted her to get her tits out for the lads, apparently, so once again the moral is don’t wish for it if you don’t want it.
Cometh the hour, cometh the castratrix.
You’re helping raise a new generation of pretty, flitting fairies.
Thank goodness the brave lads of the village have their loyal womenfolk standing right behind them.
Of course, this is merely fantasy – the male actors in Ella Enchanted didn’t really have to wear chastity belts. That only came later in Ms Hathaway’s career, when she was famous enough to insist on some on-set conditions in her studio contracts.

Honestly brutal

Don’t worry, she’ll let you out to check emails and your phone. In three weeks’ time.
I actually can’t think of anything I could do with a sex worker that would be more humiliating than attempting sex with her.
She needs you to practise the moves for your little dance routine at the reception, too.
There were too many pettifogging rules before, everyone said. If I pay to watch girls kicking someone (and I would), I don’t want them having to worry constantly about exactly what is being kicked and how hard.
Emily can be quite impressive – indeed, former guests often wake up at night screaming her name.
It’s going to be a holiday of a lifetime, for him. For Kitten, it’s just going to be a Tuesday, and not a particularly interesting one.

Quant à moi, peu dormi, vidé, brimé

C’est le 14 juillet, et nous célébrons les déesses républicaines françaises telles que Marianne et… euh…

Liberté, Egalité, Sororité!

Bon, je pense que ça suffit pour la langue française aujourd’hui.

Captions with a vaguely French connection, anyway.

Paris is famous for its stylish leather goods.
One from my ‘advice to a US sub visiting Europe‘ occasional series, obviously. The caption is deliberately misleading: the French insist on following their own local food customs, so you’ll probably find yourself swallowing butts from unfiltered Gauloises, rather then some mild ‘low tar’ cigarettes.

As the label might indicate to even the most male-brained reader, this is of course the magnificent, elegant and beautiful Ibicella, who can be found, worshipped and, ideally, donated to at the address shown. And here she is being adorable.

You might not learn many words in French, but you’ll be really good on everyday (and every hour, minute and second) politeness.

And do I really need to mention this is Mistress Eleise? Look, I like maple syrup as much as the next slave, but I can tell you: it is not Canada’s greatest export. I’ve tried both.

Her dungeon doesn’t actually have a view of the Tour Eiffel, you understand. It doesn’t have a view of anything.
There are actually plusieurs esclaves, but they are all much the same.
Or maybe they’re just trying to make things more interesting for the ladies.

P.S. Allez les Bleus! Mais aussi les lions anglais…

P.P.S. OK, so the Bleus didn’t really allez. Or not as much as the Spanish went ándale ándale ándale anyway. So to cheer up any depressed frenchmen – or heterosexual males of any sort, I imagine – here’s the lovely Ibicella, being patriotic.