lube – Contemplating the divine

Shame game

Fine, but I’m not putting his condom on for him this time. I have my pride.

Don’t worry – the guys might think you look silly at first, but I’m sure they’ll be impressed when you go into your dance routine.

For a while my orgasm day was 29 February, but ‘we’ decided to stop all that, as it was getting a bit repetitive and predictable.

Women and knots, eh? Bless ’em.

Which is a bit unfair if you have a fetish for being humiliatingly searched by ladies in positions of authority. Oh well, at least she’s not wearing her uniform, so there’s a chance.

Times you really wanna cry

You could try hopping from one foot to another. It does no good, but it’s traditional somehow.

And then they could sit on them sitting on the cones.

If all else fails, ‘being male’ would do.

I was once told by a sex worker that 45 seconds with me was worth as much to her as an hour or longer with a “normal client”. I thought that was such a nice thing to say that I got distracted and nearly missed my deadline.

Let’s hope someone brought the lube!

Ladies in red

Men’s libbers are actually firmly opposed to being spanked. Most men are, actually. But they always end up thankful for it.

I once paid a prostitute to have sex with me – booked with a credit card. But when I opened the door to her, she looked me up and down, dug around in her purse, handed me the same amount in cash and walked off. Which could actually be quite handy some time, if I’m ever somewhere with no ATMs.

Never try puppy play alongside an actual dog. They’re better at it. Much the same goes for sex and real men. Don’t even try – you’ll just look foolish. And you wouldn’t want that.

Except that she’s started by using social media to advertise, so her first clients are precisely likely to be your friends. And your close family members.