Far and wide of the mark

Regular ‘readers’ of this blog who actually bother to look at the words, instead of just beating off to the pictures of pretty ladies looking stern, will realise that much of its ‘humour’ is inspired by the style of Gary Larson’s cartoon The Far Side.

Where ‘inspired’ in this context means “a pathetic and embarassing attempt to publish femdom porn in a manner that is spuriously justified”

This week’s ‘special’ (no, not your monthly ‘special’, you have to ask Mistress for that) is a collection of captions that are particularly blatant rip-offs of close homages to that style. Without, obviously, either (a) infringing anyone’s intellectual property rights or (b) being funny.

Enjoy. Or don’t. I get paid just as much either way.

Treat you with a vengeance

From a song by the lovely Toyah. She once interviewed the strange, rather disturbing but oddly exciting Miss Martindale, of Aristasia fame, you know.

Images are unrelated, unless they’re not.

You might want to keep it handy; I sense it’s going to be one of those days.
Keep calm, she’s a professional, she does this all day.
Hope you like dust.
The key is to listen to both sides of the story, then ignore whatever the male said. After that, it should be easy enough to get both sides to agree who was at fault and on the appropriate course of action.
The easy way was difficult, but this is – oddly – going to go a lot more smoothly. She’s quite determined, so that’s that.
Don’t be such a wimp. Don’t you trust her?

Elegant arrogance

I once told a girl that I was really into sexy lingerie, and I got a full basket – all handwash only! Best date ever.
There’s no right and wrong way to do this sort of thing, of course: her method’s good, too.
My SO obviously has no personal experience of how painful her ‘little toys’ are, but she does like to hear all about it, in as much detail as I can shriek.
I once asked a pro-domme to choose her one favourite fantasy, for our session: whatever she wanted, no holds barred. So we played ‘Pay double and fuck off’, which turned out to be deliciously humiliating.
Trust is very important in a marriage – right up there with obedience.
There’s a tradition that the targets of the winning team get to go out to the winners’ podium with them – well, actually it’s better than that: they get to be the winners’ podium. So you could be in with a chance of participating in the medal ceremony.

“I wear the chain I forged in life,” replied the Ghost.

“I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it.”

A typically uplifting sentence from Mr Dickens there. Actually, I have been developing my own version of his classic tale. Titled ‘A Findomme Carol’, it has a similar story arc but the heroine, Princess Screw-you, isn’t such a soft touch as Dickens’s Scrooge. Like his tale, though, it has a happy ending, celebrating the true meaning of Christmas, which as we all know is ‘getting’.

But for this year, ho ho ho, it’s just a few captions with a rather tenuous and even desperate link to the holiday season. Bah humbug.

…and as it’s Christmas, here’s a bonus image, from the series OWK Ladies remember

Uncomfortable fictions

Just pray she’s using the black rubber end, not the golden shiny ball – now that really hurts.
It can take a while, getting used to inlaws’ family traditions. Just go with it – the important thing is your forthcoming marriage, after all. That’s for life.
That’s why you don’t often see snip-lit set out as a separate category at bookshops, but someone once calculated that over 25% of new fiction sold to women features some kind of removal of male genitalia, so it’s a very important theme.
But her hippocratic oath is secure: she’s not harming him; it’s more in the nature of long-overdue radical treatment to improve matters. Anyway, it’s a debatable point wherther the Oath even applies to males – after all, doctors eliminate bacteria and viruses by the millions and men aren’t much different.
I am actually quite good at maths, and once managed to really irritate a domme who had set up a school scene based on arithmetic tests. Furtunately, it turns out that you can be tawsed and caned almost regardless of aptitude, so the session turned out well.
Anyway, she is a queen, so why not have a chair in which to be one? Honestly, journos get hung up on the silliest things.

Femaleficient

A mirror ought to do it.
Don’t worry, she doesn’t object to having your own taste in music, she just won’t allow you to play any of it.
Obviously. Fortunately they have an excellent pain management programme.
Seems a little unfair, as he was paying Supreme Mistress Katharine three times the usual rate already. The lady doing the talking only does vanilla tricks, not femdom, just in case you were thinking of visiting. Says she just doesn’t have the femdom skills, which on the face of it appears to me not to be true, but who am I to argue either with her assertions or her maths?
Don’t let on you’ve never actually done this before. This could be the beginning of a beautiful holiday friendship – or perhaps a rather disgusting but highly practical one, anyway.

Written pleadings

 

It’s not really a choice, as she’ll probably find an excuse to do the bottle thing even after posting the photos.  And vice versa.  But he doesn’t know that, because males are very stupid creatures.

 

 

 

He’s lucky to have such an understanding Responsible Female; I hope he’ll have the sense not to push that luck too far.  Female supporters of men’s lib are a bit weird in my opinion, but even
most of them understandably draw the line at disobedience or answering
back.


Mistress has also learnt from experience that the way to get a really smart, polished pair of shoes or boots is not to have someone slobber over them while masturbating. 

 

She doesn’t really need the meter, given the screaming thing, but it’s nice to be sure and anyway, she has some plans to fill his mouth later.

 

 

 

She’s right.  Just remember that and you’ll be fine.

 

And an extra one, just a little bit o’politics.  Just what you’re looking for when you go surfing for femdom porn, right? 

 


Still, inept political commentary incomprehensible to non-Brits notwithstanding, any image containing Morrigan Hel and Goddess Sophia has got to be worth at least a few long, lingering, longing stares, right?

She’s so fine, there’s no tellin’ where the money went

Another totally forgettable song from that pointless 80s guy, having his career saved by the goddesses in his videos.  Is it just me, or does the goddess annoyingly hidden by his left shoulder (reminder for male readers: his left is our right) at about 3.30 look like she’s thinking about something else?  And the goddess on the second row far left (our left, boys… not that difficult) just looks embarrassed throughout.


Oddly enough, if you really understood her plan, you wouldn’t be worried about the animal in the middle there, but about the teddy bear to the right. I don’t want to spoil the surprise – just consent, and you’ll find out soon enough.


There’s also ‘lucky dip’, where he gets to spin a wheel marked with the numbers one to five at the start of each week.  But – shhhh! – if his patroness wants that spin to result in a particular outcome… well, that’s doable, if you know what I mean.



Some people are like that – they’ll just drop everything if someone else asks.  She can actually be quite assertive, so don’t assume this is typical.  She’s no doormat.  He is, but that’s more a literal description than a judgement of his character.


Ungrateful little sod.  You’d think he’d be pleased to get out and stretch his… his… well, whatever part or parts of his anatomy are about to be stretched, I suppose.


Try to be worthy of the honour.



Sustained abjection

Thank goodness for that.  Well… thank Mistress Magda, anyway.

 

 

Tom’s looking forward to their feedback.

 

 

 

Or a card game.  ‘Pairs’ springs to mind, for instance.

 

It’s good when people feel they can share about their private life with co-workers.



Don’t worry – he’s not as bad at it.  Just bad.


 

 

 

 

Brutal persuasion

 

“Do you still need the ring gag?” is one of those questions that’s often quite hard to answer coherently.


 

You’ll probably feel more comfortable doing what you’re told, too.  Or experience discomfort if you don’t – which is basically the same thing.

 

 

 

 

He used to think size doesn’t matter.  He’s learning that it does.

 

 Mistress Eleise de Lacy, there.  Speaking, as we were, of feeling weak in the knees…

 

 

 

There’ll be thin lines in lots of places quite soon.  Cris-crossing, some of them, and that can be agony.

I’m not a very spiritual person, myself, but my guess is that she will.
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