torture – Contemplating the divine

The flesh is weak

But fortunately steel is a lot stronger.

She can supply both, but usually prefers to dole out only one.

If you’re worried about the client who was abandoned in the cell for so long, don’t be: he’ll be fine. She’ll give him a discounted rate for all that extra time.

It was a labour of love. Which would have caused pages to stick together in the old days of typed manuscripts, but now it’s just a matter of wiping down the keyboard from time to time.

Some couples find it uncomfortable to talk about money, but there are ways of making it easier – romantic, even.

She’s a sweetie really, once you get to know her properly. It’s just a matter of surviving long enough to learn her little ways.

Hopelessly unrealistic. A nun with jewelled rings on her fingers? I don’t think so!

Magic moments

Evil witches, beautiful princesses and wicked stepmothers – or best of all, ladies who are all three of those things.

Let’s hope she doesn’t forget you’re there.

So easy to end up with a home full of clutter – have the courage to just throw it all out, the experts say.

You’re not going to live happily or ever after (though it might seem like forever).

She’s perfectly prepared to marry him, of course, and have him installed next to her bedroom. Just nothing unhygienic.

I don’t see why she can’t just pop round to her local dodo butcher and see if they can let her have some. This is Contemplating the Divine, after all, none of it is tethered to tedious reality.

People sometimes get confused when the devils are dressed as angels, but in fact there’s no difference between the two.

Tortuous logic

She wants to feel your pain.

The stepdaughter – new stepdad relationship can be difficult at first, but it looks like she’s adjusting well.

I experience a lot of loving discipline in my relationship – in fact, I think I’m very lucky still to experience such intensity of love so very frequently, after all these years of married bliss.

Don’t worry, she’ll be very professional. Brutal but professional.

Oooh… I’ve got a pleated grey skirt too! I don’t wear it very often but the occasions when I do are very special to me. I have a blouse, socks, tie, blazer and satchel to complete the ensemble.

She lives on the cleanest street in Poznan.

Come along, darling

Don’t dawdle.

Oooh… 50% of the way there! That’s closer than I’ve ever got.

It’s not as high-margin a business as you might expect, but fortunately some of her labour costs are very low indeed. Speaking of which, have you negotiated your salary yet? No? OK.

From the look of the sea, they’ve got ages… which is just as well, because Julie can be quite slow to get aroused, unless she can use her cattle prod.

Every poet should have a muse. This lucky lad has two.

And let’s not have any old-fashioned patriarchal nonsense about ‘earning’ it, OK? It’s not your salary, not now you’re married.

You might find it hard to imagine you’ll forget you’re wearing something as heavy and bulky as that, but believe me: once the nipple clamps go on and the scrotal ring is properly anchored to your ankle chain, you’ll hardly notice it.

Tools of the matriarchy

Fortunately, Sally has come equipped with all manner of pins, pincers and other sharp objects. Wasn’t that lucky?

You asked her if you could hear a little less ‘Julio says’ so here you are – three days when you won’t have to hear that bloody phrase once. Maybe even longer.

Sometimes the trickiest ethical questions in philosophy turn out to have remarkably simple solutions in practice.

Keep quiet and maybe they’ll forget you’re there.

Especially if the person in question were hypothetically restrained and unable to do anything about it, no matter how much he – sorry, they – hypothetically screamed and pleaded?

She’d worry she wasn’t doing it right, if you weren’t crying.

Perfectly unreasonable

Lots of men experience sudden, irrational fears the night before their wedding. Or rational fears, sometimes, too.

Feelings of inferiority are her therapeutic speciality.

Oh, poor thing. Maybe she should drive off to find a chemists’ shop to buy some antihistamine – it’s best to deal with these things early, before the bites become inflamed.

I’ve tried paying for the ‘realistic girlfriend experience’ a few times, but it’s really a waste of money. They often don’t turn up and even if they do, we usually go to a bar or something where they get off with someone else and leave without me.

‘Cos she’s her laaaydeee… and you’re their male.

Erm… that spanking went without a hitch…no. This painting’s a bit kitsch… Oh dear.

Grimm tales

More fairy-themed fantasy folly.

A fairy grants you wishes three / So never wish to buggered be / For if you do ’twill come to pass / And you must take it up the arse.

Actually, the female sensibility that men have for centuries maligned as ‘witchcraft’ is really just about being more in touch with nature, more attuned to the rhythms of the natural world. Men find that hard to understand, but a few years spent living as a toad can help.

She could have just learnt to do ventriloquism but this seemed a lot easier.

You could wish to taste particularly yummy? That would make her happy. You want to make her happy, don’t you?

Again, it’s a lot easier this way. I mean, have you ever tried to assemble any of the human furniture IKEA sells? Nightmare.

Don’t worry, she’ll probably get bored after a billion years or two.

Sorely mistaken

She enjoys a good laugh – and a good ballbusting, too. Sometimes she likes to enjoy them both together but today she seems to be in a more serious frame of mind.

If you don’t even have to pay for Option B, then I reckon it’s the deal of the century. I pay hundreds of pounds an hour for that.

It’s a dilemma. I’m sure they’ll do the right thing, in the end.

Aren’t males disgusting? No wonder he’s not allowed in the house.

You should be brave and go first, even if it is a bit dark and eerie. Don’t worry: she’ll be right behind you.

With apologies to those readers who aren’t really cellar fans.

She has to deal with so much nonsense…. you can’t imagine.There are some very sick websites out there that will just make up all kinds of hurtful stuff with no basis in reality, especially about a big star like Ann(i)e.

There’s no pleasing some people

I’m glad to say.

The rating scale goes up as high as ‘adequate’ but unlike many such platform rating systems, most clients don’t hand out the highest rating as a matter of routine.

Since he’d gone to the trouble of bringing it, she did give him a quick twenty with the stupid thing, before sending him back to get the right one, in order to start the punishment proper. Plus the extras for wasting her time, of course.

It’s funny, because the next day she had a client who found her socks too stinky. Unlike this situation, she didn’t send him away straight away: instead, he stayed the night tied up on the floor, face down in a pile of laundry, as I understand it. But he had to apologise expensively too.

If he misbehaves, he’ll certainly experience days when he is much less happy – and not just over the next two weeks.

Nubbin has a giantess fetish and they each have a ‘making love to my girlfriend while this sad little guy remains locked in chastity’ fetish, so they’re very well suited to one another.

She’s a professional so she’ll castrate you anyway, even if she doesn’t enjoy it or see the point. I think that kind of dedication is to be celebrated, don’t you?

NB, nursenicoclinic appears no longer to be operating (pun intended) but if anyone can find someone to whom I should be crediting the image of this lovely if occasionally rather malpractising lady, please speak up.

Louring ladies

Don’t worry, lots of bridegrooms… no, hang on. Do worry.

This is her ‘girlfriend experience’ service and if you ask me, it’s startlingly realistic.

I used to think I was my own worst enemy, but my SO managed to wean me off those self-loathing thoughts by listing all the people (or at least, the top twenty among our close friends) who loathe me even more.

Good night, sweet princess.

You don’t need motivating, as you’ll be strapped down and helpless.

They serve coffee too – and water to help settle the boys’ stomachs, but most Mistresses prefer them unsettled.