human dog – Contemplating the divine

Contemptuous liaisons

Looks like only one person in this relationship is making any effort. That’s not a formula for long-term happiness.

Why are so many women so imprecise when it comes to numbers? They say things like “only for a few hours” , “in a few weeks’ time”, “a few dozen, and then maybe the same on your thighs”… when did ‘few’ start to have such painful connotations?

She’s a perfectionist. I hope you are, too.

The teddy bear is only a temporary expedient while she buys you a blow-up sex doll. She’s just trying to choose between the ‘Sven’ and ‘Muscle Man’ models.

She makes a compelling argument, you have to admit.

Crawl space

Actually that’s not true – she takes the keenest interest in making your knees hurt and derives great pleasure from it.

I’m actually really good at fetching sticks. On dates, I usually try to work the conversation around, so I can casually mention it.

I tried ‘coming out’ by telling some female co-workers about my true sexual nature and I have to say I didn’t get anything like this understanding reaction. Actually, the entire experience was utterly humiliating and very painful. So that was nice.

It’s odd – when the lady who’s now my SO and I first got together, she always (well… both times, anyway) complained that I came too soon. Nowadays, apparently I take too long and she never has time, even though I’m pretty sure I’m quicker than ever. Women, eh?

“throne”?

The Divine Mistress Heather, of course. Divinity lessons have never been so intense.

You’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties

Happy relationships are all about boundaries. Many newly-married men get a bit silly about not being able to lead the batchelor life any more, but are you really any ‘less free’ just because from now on you can’t do or say anything your wife disapproves of? It’s just a different way of life, that’s all.

Rubbing up against a tree? Sounds a bit kinky.

She seems nice.

Yes, let’s.

What a lovely film that was. Especially the bath scene…

Advertising Spot

Thanks for coming in – listen, we’re really excited about
this campaign and it would be great to have you on board! I don’t know how much you’ve been told? The client’s a major supplier of household
products and they’ve got this premium dog food product, yeah?

So: the spot opens in the… well, the ‘dungeon’, I guess, of
a dominatrix. And she’s got a slave on
the floor in front of her –that’s you! – and we see her grab a can of generic
dog-food and pour it into a bowl in front of him. Really nasty stuff – you know? Slops into the bowl and glistens
unappealingly. Slave takes a sniff and retches, refuses, so she pushes his head
into the bowl with her boot and starts whipping him – and she whips him harder
and harder, until he’s eaten the whole thing.
We see him taking mouthfuls and swallowing with disgust – that’s important.
Then we see him dressed, thanking her for the session and he goes outside and
is violently sick on the street. With me so far?

OK, then we see him arrive for his next session, and he’s
casting nervous glances at the shelf where she keeps her dog food as he hands
over the tribute, see? But this time
when he’s naked at her feet, she grabs a can of the Product, and tips it into
his bowl. Lovely chunks this time, with translucent jelly just catching the
coloured dungeon lights – mmm. Slave
sniffs nervously, looks surprised, starts eating it and then begins wolfing it
down, you know? Can’t get enough! And we
finish with him in doggy-begging mode below the shelf, barking excitedly up at
another can of the Product, as his mistress stares at the empty bowl in puzzled
disappointment.

We were originally going to use actors and beef stew, but it
wouldn’t be legal to show someone eating stuff that isn’t actually the Product, you know? That would be false advertising.

So… we asked around if anyone knew
anyone and Lucy in accounts – she’s in accounts but she really wants to join the creative team – Lucy said she knows a findomme with piggie slaves who’ll do
anything she tells them and… well, here you are!

There’s be quite a lot of money in it. The client sells in
over 30 countries, and the packaging is different in most of them so we’ll have
to re-shoot. You have to eat it again each time, too – pesky advertising laws,
I’m afraid. And the nasty competitor
product. We were a bit worried about the whip marks, but Sophie thought we
could just completely cover your back with them to begin with – like you’d
already had a good thrashing, yeah? – so there wouldn’t be continuity problems
with that. Of course, we won’t make you do more than seven or eight spots in
any one day. But you get paid for each
you see – well, or rather your findomme does, I suppose.

So – you up for it? Obviously, you can only sign the
contract of your own free will, but if you need a day or two for someone to
force you to agree, we don’t have to sign today?

THE END

Epilogue

Actually, this was just the start. Lucky old Spot (yeah, the slave’s called Spot…bit of a coincidence, I know) went on to star in a wildly popular campaign for a well-known brand of toilet cleaner. Again, a frustrated domme finds that when she’s used the Product, her toilet no longer tastes foul, so she ends up having to take him out to lick a public urinal clean. Last I heard, he was getting so many offers his findomme had decided he should resign from his day job and do it full time – pretty great, huh?

Uncharacteristic boasting

Incidentally, if you’re ‘reading’ this far (and you shouldn’t, it’s unhealthy to edge for too long – go on, get it out. There. That’s right. Phew – isn’t that better?), you might want to know that January 2019 was the most popular month in this blog’s history. More than seventeen pageviews from at least four separate people… no, actually, I’m pretty sure it was more than seventeen… ah yes, that’s right, over 100,000, that’s it. The pageview count went over 100,000 in the month for the first time ever. It’s almost exactly eight years since the blog started: 7.5 million page-views, over 1000 comments. Goodness me, if this keeps up, how ever will I be able to maintain my self-image as a worthless loser?

Thank you all – keep on coming.*

OK, so some of it is probably people not using Tumblr so much. Still…

* Yes, I know. Sorry. But after all those page-views you are used to it by now, right?

Prisencolinensinainciusol

As they say about President Knavs’s husband’s tweets: I think the title speaks for itself.

I understand more and more people these days are digging out cellar* conversions, creating lots of lovely extra space down there, far, far down beneath sound-proofed floors.

*basement

They could go down to the cellar* and play with her toys.

* still ‘basement’

I’ve got a special brown card – it’s kind of the opposite of a loyalty scheme. Hotels and airlines treat me like dirt wherever I go.

I wrote a story about loyalty cards once. That was when I wrote stories featuring the first domme I ever visited and her friend. They appear briefly in this one, under false names.

But this was my favourite from back then.

I dunno. Feels a bit weird, trying on her dead dad’s dresses. Don’t know why.

Apparently she does humiliation scenes too. She just doesn’t always know when she’s doing one.

I wanna

be her dog?

wagwagwag…

He’ll be paying rent to her as well. The monthly rate is a very reasonable “everything”.

Mistress Akella, there, showing how patient dommes need to be at times.

Oh, I don’t suppose Janice would mind. She’s very easygoing. As long as you stay on the leash, you can pretty much do your own thing when she’s not around. It’s that kind of marriage.

In OWK, slaves aren’t judged on whether they fail or succeed. Just on how badly they fail.


She seems nice. Remember, though: it is very unprofessional to get involved romantically with your clients. So don’t even think about it.

Hyperaggressive femininity

Sometimes, it’s not the joke but how you tell it. I can always get my SO to laugh in session by telling a long joke, as long as I’m screaming and pleading hysterically for mercy as I try to get the words out.

Sorry about the joke, by the way. Works better with nuns… one of the few things that does.