Elegant arrogance

I once told a girl that I was really into sexy lingerie, and I got a full basket – all handwash only! Best date ever.
There’s no right and wrong way to do this sort of thing, of course: her method’s good, too.
My SO obviously has no personal experience of how painful her ‘little toys’ are, but she does like to hear all about it, in as much detail as I can shriek.
I once asked a pro-domme to choose her one favourite fantasy, for our session: whatever she wanted, no holds barred. So we played ‘Pay double and fuck off’, which turned out to be deliciously humiliating.
Trust is very important in a marriage – right up there with obedience.
There’s a tradition that the targets of the winning team get to go out to the winners’ podium with them – well, actually it’s better than that: they get to be the winners’ podium. So you could be in with a chance of participating in the medal ceremony.

There is no hunting like the hunting of man

Ernest Hemingway said that and despite his being rather reprehensibly ‘a man’s man’, I think he may have been right.

Yes, it’s more accounts from the dark days of World War M.

And from the days before the darkest days, some glimmers of illumination into how it all started (apart from the more fundamental cause of men just being too annoying for too long, obviously). World War M: Origins.

Whips and whims

Don’t forget your morning prayers too.
If love is there, honouring and obeying should come naturally. And if they don’t, I’m sure she can find an alternative means to encourage them.
He has… but here’s only so much misbehaviour you can get up to, muzzled and on a leash.
Don’t worry: she won’t whip you any more than necessary.
My SO finds it very upsetting when our cat catches a mouse and plays with it so cruelly. As she says, there’s a 50% chance the poor little thing is female.
It’s a future-proofed profession, because although technology obviously could automate the basic function of shit-carrying, it could never provide the same satisfaction forcing a male to do that provides to the onlooker.

Just wrap me up in chains

I’m not thinking of escape.

Why would I want to go anywhere? Here’s good.
She’d discipline you herself, but she’s too tenderhearted.
Why complicate matters? Sometimes all you need is a whip, a helpless victim, a remote location and an iron-clad alibi.
There are charities that will take care of widowed men, but I’ve heard they can be pretty brutal. So, I think you’re better off with her. Try keeping your silly men’s libber nonsense to yourself; that should help.
Wow – in with a chance, here!
Don’t worry – it’s perfectly normal to find things a little uncomfortable when current and former girlfriends get together. Even if you weren’t dangling from a hook with your legs held wide apart by a spreader bar, it would be a stressful situation.


I did a few of these, back at the old site. Here’s another.

Hel-lo?  FDS Fulfilment Solutions. I’m Katie, how can I help you today?

Hmm?  Yeah, FDS Fulfilment Solutions? If you’re calling this number, probably you ordered a package from some business that uses our services. Hang on, the system will automatically show me your last order, if this is the phone number you registered when buying on-line, so… no, don’t hang up! It’ll only take a moment.

Right, so are you Mr Malcolm Curtis, 23 Acacia Drive, Solihull? OK, great.  Thank you for waiting, Mr Curtis.

Now the only entry I can see for you is an order from… Bitch Princess Lydia’s Loser Store, is that right?  One… used tampon.


So, er… what’s the problem Mr Curtis? Did it not arrive?

A bit embarrassing?  OK, yeah, I can imagine it would be – but go on, you might as well tell me? We get occasional embarrassing situations here, as you can imagine – just this morning, I had a client who’d ordered a dining table and he’d forgotten to check the size, so it didn’t fit through his door.  Which is… y’know, a bit embarrassing… even if it’s not quite the same, obviously.

It wasn’t what, sorry?

Used. Right. Wasn’t used. Yeah, I can see how that would be frustrating for you.

Well, look, I can send a note to… to Bitch Princess Lydia noting that the order as fulfilled didn’t match the description on the web site. Generally, our suppliers respond quite fast when we do that, as obviously they don’t want to be delisted, and FDS doesn’t want to be associated with a company that… that…

Actually, it looks like Bitch Princess Lydia’s Store has already been delisted. Doesn’t say why. Sorry. So I don’t think there’s anything I can… erm…


Look, I probably shouldn’t do this but as it happens it’s that time of month for me, and I can… I mean, if you really want a, erm…

No, really. No problem. I’ve got your address, so I can just pop into the loo here on my next break and erm…

No, don’t worry about the postage, I can put it through the system.

In a plastic bag? Yeah, sure. To keep it, to keep it… fresh, right? Makes sense. Yeah.

No, really, no trouble at all.  “Fulfilling our customers’ needs is our business and our pleasure”, as it says on our web site.

I know, I know.  But it’s the only job I could get.

Tell you what, though, after this call you’ll get an email, asking you to rate your experience? A big smiley green face for every category would be nice.

Thanks!  Yeah, you too.

Er… no, I’d rather not meet up outside work, if you don’t mind. It’s against company policy.  Plus… y’know, the used tampon thing.

Yeah, sure.  Don’t forget the smiley face, now!  Remember, I’ve got your address.

Sure.  Anything else I can do for you today? OK, well, I will action that for you now, Mr Curtis. Thank you for calling FDS Fulfilment Solutions. Fulfilling our customers’ needs is our business and  – oh, you’ve gone. Bye, then.

Shanaya!  Just going on a break!


They say that jobs like Katie’s are likely to be among the first to succumb to the AI revolution, but surely this little tale illustrates some of the downsides to that? Sure, AIs can do amazing things but could an AI have sent poor Mr Curtis a used tampon for him to masturbate over? OK, not all the customers need that kind of attention for their enquiries, but isn’t it worth keeping that option open, FDS Fulfilment Solutions? There’s more to life than profit, you know: the human touch matters too.

As it happens, though, Katie doesn’t work there any more. Despite being named ‘Employee of the Month’ soon after the events of this story, she decided on a career change and is apparently making more than ten times as much money as she used to. Isn’t that great? I asked her what the new job was and she just giggled and said that fulfilling her customers’ needs is now her business – and her pleasure. Make of that what you will.

Cruelty is its own reward

…but you often still have to pay her for it.

I suppose there comes a point when, if she’s gradually cut away every piece of you that isn’t your genitals, there’s only the genitals left. But then isn’t that equivalent to castrating you? Interesting philosophical question, there, to help you while away the time as you dangle in mute agony.
She has a low boredom threshold, so best not to keep going on about it.
My pain tolerance level has increased slightly over the years but unfortunately so has my SO’s.

Sharp-eyed readers (or just those who spend a lot of time wanking on the Internet) will of course recognise the lovely Goddess Mina Thorne.

You’ll soon learn about what’s important to her and what isn’t.
When they talk later, I expect she’ll need to release a lot of that anger and he’ll need – will desperately need – to release other things.
Actually, in a sense he’s getting off lightly. He was sentenced to 35 years but he’ll actually only have done 34 years, 364 days and about 12 hours. Lucky bastard, I hope he appreciates it.

Give me shudders in a whisper

Perhaps she should leave him out there for a while, to help him understand the mistake he made. A little cruel, perhaps, but as my SO says: sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Not that she’s in favour of actually being kind, you understand, but she likes to cover all the bases.
I always try to be brave in session, as they say it’s only through failure that we really learn.
Actually, a well-trained python can provide an exciting twist to bondage play – or to a tight-lacing scene, for that matter.
I once bought a blow-up sex doll and it was actually a much more realistic experience than I’d expected – the shipping company delivered it to some other guy to fuck and charged me extra for the meal he had delivered.
Actually, there really ought to be a ‘k’ in electrode, as it’s from the greek ‘ἤλεκτρον’ meaning amber. I once dated a girl called Amber and as she was clamping the wires onto my genitals, I realised what an odd coincidence that was and was just about to point it out, when she flicked the switch and obviously then I was far too busy writhing, screaming and desperately pleading for mercy to say anything. Then she put it on a timer and went home. So it wasn’t, like, a serious relationship or anything but I think of her fondly.
She’s much misunderstood. And she so dislikes being misunderstood – just ask Gordon.

Apropos nothing whatsoever, I thought this was very lovely. She can definitely come to my funeral dressed like that! No, hang on, erm… someone else’s funeral that I’m at…. but not someone so close to me I’d be too sad to perve. Oh, heck it doesn’t even need to be a funeral at all.


Oh dear, I thought she might have forgotten about that little accident. Still, I expect she isn’t one to hold a grudge. It wasn’t her very best skirt.
She doesn’t like to hurt you any more than she has to.
Well, that doesn’t sound like much of a challenge for her. I hope she doesn’t get bored, poor thing.
I missed out on the era of corporal punishment in schools, but I guess we’re living through a golden age of corporal punishment outside them, so I’ve not done so badly.
Um… yeah. Listen, don’t take what she said to heart, OK? It’s barely noticeable. Really.

…and one I’ll call a bonus as there isn’t necessarily anything femdom about it:

The things you do that tease and hurt me bad

It’s the way you do the things you do to me.

Sounds like she’s making a lot of effort to make this relationship work – I hope you’re duly grateful.
Don’t worry about presuming on their hospitality. They have an obligation to take in any male travellers who wander their way. Only to take them in, you understand, not to let them out again.
Trouble is, you were planning to cook something special for your anniversary, weren’t you? Oh well, probably better another day anyway. The kind of guys she brings home don’t generally have sophisticated culinary tastes.
I tried going on a humiliatrix dinner-date with a pro-domme once but she decided it wasn’t working between us and left just after we’d ordered the food. So, really no different from an ordinary date… I felt a bit of a fool for paying her so much, to be honest.
Your explanation should include the words ‘laziness’ and ‘incompetence’.
Don’t worry, she won’t visit very often.

PS, fans of old British femdom mags and of quirky mainstream takes on our little hobby might be interested in Alf Garnett discusses Cruella, over on Mr Rogue-Hagen’s magnificent Cruella site. Alf Garnett was the British inspiration for Archie Bunker, for American ‘readers’: an old man satirising right-wing views in absurd ill-informed bigoted rants. Nowadays of course, our political leaders do that themselves, so there is no need for such stuff.

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