Attentive ‘readers’ will recognise the magnificent Mistress Eleise, of course. Her web site, alas, seems not to have been updated since 2019, so this might be as close as you’re ever going to get.
The presence of Lady Sophia Black, on the right there, brings to two the number of extraordinarily beautiful and creative dommes who are now retired, in today’s post. If you missed out on both Mistress Eleise and Lady Sophia then… well, I’m afraid you face a lifetime of sadness and regret. Sorry and all that, but there it is… you can at least be happy for me that I managed to meet them both. Several times. Does that help? Anyway, fortunately, Lady Lola, on the left, appears still to be active and I’m sure will give you a ballet lesson to remember, if you ask very very nicely.
I did a few of these, back at the old site. Here’s another.
Hel-lo? FDS Fulfilment Solutions. I’m Katie, how can I help you today?
Hmm? Yeah, FDS Fulfilment Solutions? If you’re calling this number, probably you ordered a package from some business that uses our services. Hang on, the system will automatically show me your last order, if this is the phone number you registered when buying on-line, so… no, don’t hang up! It’ll only take a moment.
Right, so are you Mr Malcolm Curtis, 23 Acacia Drive, Solihull? OK, great. Thank you for waiting, Mr Curtis.
Now the only entry I can see for you is an order from… Bitch Princess Lydia’s Loser Store, is that right? One… used tampon.
So, er… what’s the problem Mr Curtis? Did it not arrive?
A bit embarrassing? OK, yeah, I can imagine it would be – but go on, you might as well tell me? We get occasional embarrassing situations here, as you can imagine – just this morning, I had a client who’d ordered a dining table and he’d forgotten to check the size, so it didn’t fit through his door. Which is… y’know, a bit embarrassing… even if it’s not quite the same, obviously.
It wasn’t what, sorry?
Used. Right. Wasn’t used. Yeah, I can see how that would be frustrating for you.
Well, look, I can send a note to… to Bitch Princess Lydia noting that the order as fulfilled didn’t match the description on the web site. Generally, our suppliers respond quite fast when we do that, as obviously they don’t want to be delisted, and FDS doesn’t want to be associated with a company that… that…
Actually, it looks like Bitch Princess Lydia’s Store has already been delisted. Doesn’t say why. Sorry. So I don’t think there’s anything I can… erm…
Look, I probably shouldn’t do this but as it happens it’s that time of month for me, and I can… I mean, if you really want a, erm…
No, really. No problem. I’ve got your address, so I can just pop into the loo here on my next break and erm…
No, don’t worry about the postage, I can put it through the system.
In a plastic bag? Yeah, sure. To keep it, to keep it… fresh, right? Makes sense. Yeah.
No, really, no trouble at all. “Fulfilling our customers’ needs is our business and our pleasure”, as it says on our web site.
I know, I know. But it’s the only job I could get.
Tell you what, though, after this call you’ll get an email, asking you to rate your experience? A big smiley green face for every category would be nice.
Thanks! Yeah, you too.
Er… no, I’d rather not meet up outside work, if you don’t mind. It’s against company policy. Plus… y’know, the used tampon thing.
Yeah, sure. Don’t forget the smiley face, now! Remember, I’ve got your address.
Sure. Anything else I can do for you today? OK, well, I will action that for you now, Mr Curtis. Thank you for calling FDS Fulfilment Solutions. Fulfilling our customers’ needs is our business and – oh, you’ve gone. Bye, then.
Shanaya! Just going on a break!
They say that jobs like Katie’s are likely to be among the first to succumb to the AI revolution, but surely this little tale illustrates some of the downsides to that? Sure, AIs can do amazing things but could an AI have sent poor Mr Curtis a used tampon for him to masturbate over? OK, not all the customers need that kind of attention for their enquiries, but isn’t it worth keeping that option open, FDS Fulfilment Solutions? There’s more to life than profit, you know: the human touch matters too.
As it happens, though, Katie doesn’t work there any more. Despite being named ‘Employee of the Month’ soon after the events of this story, she decided on a career change and is apparently making more than ten times as much money as she used to. Isn’t that great? I asked her what the new job was and she just giggled and said that fulfilling her customers’ needs is now her business – and her pleasure. Make of that what you will.
Following yonder star.
Or “yield” as I believe the Americans would put it.
Your Honour, I appear for the hospital in this unfortunate matter. And let me say at the very start that the hospital takes full responsibility for its actions and deeply regrets the error that led to Mr Harcourt’s loss. We have offered a full and generous compensation settlement but that has regrettably been declined to date. We have great sympathy with Mr Harcourt, but we respectfully submit that the quantum of damages he is claiming is absurd and excessive.
We will be presenting extensive evidence in that regard, if it please the Court. To begin with, Mr Harcourt’s loss was, shall we say… less than might have been expected, for an average adult male. Considerably less. With apologies for any discomfort it might unavoidably cause the Claimant, we will present pictures of the item in question, alongside illustrations of healthier, more robust and, well, larger male members for comparison. We will also hear from several eminent sexologists who will dispel myths about size not being important and comment on the degree of sexual stimulation – if any – likely to afforded to any females in the unlucky and unlikely position of having sexual intercourse with Mr Harcourt.
I say unfortunate and unlikely because it is central to our case that Mr Harcourt has not for many years had any kind of sexual relationship – at least with another person – and would not have been likely to, even had the unfortunate mishap not occurred. We will hear from one witness who many years ago found herself in bed with the Claimant and she will describe what occurred, which we say in no way constituted ‘sexual intercourse’ as such. We have then lined up a succession of female witnesses of various ages and backgrounds, each of whom has had a chance to meet Mr Harcourt and will testify under oath as to his attractiveness: his physical appearance, personality, sexual chemistry – or lack thereof – and so on. The Court will hear how – without exception – each considers him to be an entirely unattractive mate, so Mr Harcourt’s penis would not have any value to him in that regard, even had it not been sent to an incinerator as hospital waste.
Of course, none of this will be necessary were the Claimant to accept our generous settlement offer, which still stand. I am looking at my learned friend, counsel for the Claimant…?
It seems we are to proceed. So having dealt – I hope the Court will agree, comprehensively – with the utter implausibility of Mr Harcourt’s penis ever encountering another human being, we will turn to the final matter in question: its value to him as a masturbation aid.
I am conscious that this must be very disagreeable for Mr Harcourt and I can only regret the necessity that finds us here. I am aware this case has attracted considerable media interest and even though I am opposing Mr Harcourt’s side in this case, I can only plead with media organisations to act responsibly and if they feel they have to report this matter, to do so without undue sensationalism. It would be quite unnecessary, for instance, were Mr Harcourt have to suffer headlines such as How Much for a Wank? or Todgerless Tosser seeks Relief, while even a more understanding and factual headline such as Masturbation Compensation for Castration could easily cause him distress. It is so, so easy to mock – indeed, my team and I have thought up many more such headlines and we would be happy to brief any journalists keen to avoid humiliating Mr Harcourt’s feelings in any number of ways.
And of course much of the four days we have scheduled for cross-examination of Mr Harcourt himself will be taken up with a rigorous – although I hope always sensitive and respectful – exploration of his former masturbatory habits. I will lead that cross-examination, although I am grateful to be assisted by my juniors Ms Elliott and Ms Lyons, in that regard. We will regrettably be requiring Mr Harcourt to take us through several of the masturbatory magazines that were found in his apartment, as well as some of the material disclosed from his computer, and he will be explaining – for the benefit of those of us not sharing his rather unusual tastes – just why these images of items of clothing, unpleasant activities and even – somewhat ironically, it might be said – images of ladies dressed in rubber simulacra of nurses’ uniform, wielding implements of castration – sexually excite him and what he would do, while looking at them. It is important, we feel, to give Mr Harcourt an opportunity to explain what it is he has actually lost by being denied any further opportunity to rub one out, so to speak, while watching videos of naked men with dildoes up their rectums and dirty socks in their mouths being peed upon. He will be in the witness box, on oath, describing his feelings on watching one such video, which we will play simultaneously, and many other items of pornography in his possession. Many, many others.
Unless he accepts the generous settlement my clients proposed. As I said. A choice which remains his and his alone, my clients having gone as far in that respect as they can.
So, after all these years of being told that football’s just a silly game in which a bunch of moronic boys chase a ball around in a field and surely I’m not asking to be allowed to put the ironing off just to watch that nonsense, apparently it’s a remarkable display of female skill, grace and power. Who knew? Well, my SO did, obviously, and now I do because she’s told me and that’s that.
Personally I’m not so much interested in the football itself as
in the players’ muddy boots and sweaty socks in the fact that we are now officially all allowed to cheer ourselves silly(er) for a team called ‘The Lionesses’. That I do like, rather a lot.
It’s coming home. Unless the Lionesses lose on Sunday, obviously, in which case it’s going somewhere else. [UPDATE: They did. It is.]
Anyway, back to the depressing porn.
I have posted this before, but ‘too few’ is always the number of times I have done that, so here’s the lovely Mistress Vixen playing the piano.