humiliation – Contemplating the divine

The only way is her way

Like ordinary wedding anniversaries, divorce-iversaries have materials associated with them. Appropriately enough, given his situation, this one is concrete – and the next is steel.

Oh yes… sweaty foot-dirt. That must taste just… awful.

Some men behave as if they’re losing their manhood when they go bald, which is just silly. Losing your manhood feels quite different.

Note to non-British readers. ‘Slaphead’ is a word for a bald person that is normally considered derogatory and insulting. However, since almost all bald people are male, there is no reason not to use it freely.

Actually, one of my wife’s regular bulls is vegan. Says it helps him with strength and stamina and he certainly seems to have a lot of both.

It’s a once in a lifetime experience, I’ve heard.

I think if Rachel were my teacher I’d get all the sums wrong, all the time. Goodness, she’d be cross.

Note to non-British readers: Goddess.

Dominant narratives

Try to keep the explanation brief when you do get the chance; she’s going to want to get on.

Thank goodness someone with common sense has stepped in to take charge.

This wonderful lady is Miss Tamara Kenworthy, also known as Samantha Alexandra (but not in any pictures you and I are allowed to look at).

It’s a good thing Kitty’s there for her, because she’s going to need comforting as she tries to adjust to a life without a male partner. Kitty’s good at that.

Ah, that’ll be why she’s not letting you masturbate, then. Feel free to ask if you want a half-way quickie wank: I’m sure she’ll give it careful consideration.

They do say there are no ponts for coming second, but then girls often dislike it when you come first too, so you can’t win. Not that it’s a competition – as my first date pointed out when I challenged her to race me to orgasm (I would have won, if she hadn’t cheated by kicking me so hard in the balls).

Love conquers all

So it’s best to offer unconditional surrender.

He needn’t worry that his session tribute will, increase, though: instead she has a completely different financial model she intends to apply.

My SO told me on our wedding night that our intercourse had lasted almost exactly 45 seconds too long for her to enjoy it – which I thought odd, as it had only lasted 45 seconds in total. Just the first of many misunderstandings, but we’ve come to understand one another very well now.

They won’t be fresh of course… in fact, by then they’ll probably be rank and fetid. Yum. I hope she’ll warm them up, though. Nothing worse than cold sweaty socks.

I’m sure if she could bend the rules on this occasion, she would. But she doesn’t make the… oh, hang on.

And afterwards it’s easy enough to keep you tight by just moving up one strap-on size each time. It’s surprising – and a bit uncomfortable – how big they go. But Anya has strong pelvic muscles, as she says, so that’s OK.

Perfectly unreasonable

Lots of men experience sudden, irrational fears the night before their wedding. Or rational fears, sometimes, too.

Feelings of inferiority are her therapeutic speciality.

Oh, poor thing. Maybe she should drive off to find a chemists’ shop to buy some antihistamine – it’s best to deal with these things early, before the bites become inflamed.

I’ve tried paying for the ‘realistic girlfriend experience’ a few times, but it’s really a waste of money. They often don’t turn up and even if they do, we usually go to a bar or something where they get off with someone else and leave without me.

‘Cos she’s her laaaydeee… and you’re their male.

Erm… that spanking went without a hitch…no. This painting’s a bit kitsch… Oh dear.

Torturous logic

She’s right, of course. Quite early in my marriage, I realised that what I naively thought of as ‘too much pain’ was, when viewed in proper perspective, ‘not enough pain’. It’s funny how wrong men can be about such things.

Speaking of Orgasm Day – guess what? Thursday’s mine! Yes, every February 29th, regular as clockwork, I get to have an orgasm. Unless my behaviour has been particularly bad, obviously, or if she’s too busy. She suggested the date herself – I’d wanted some time in June, but apparently this is much better.

This is one of the tasks you’ll be judged on, so do it right.

Nothing wrong with enjoying your job, I say.

What if I’m not ready? Hmm? What do you suppose she’ll – AAH!

I hadn’t realised she owned a big dog… I guess that’s why she has that big cage in the garden.

Implausible truth can serve one better than plausible fiction

Attentive ‘readers’ will recognise the magnificent Mistress Eleise, of course. Her web site, alas, seems not to have been updated since 2019, so this might be as close as you’re ever going to get.

The presence of Lady Sophia Black, on the right there, brings to two the number of extraordinarily beautiful and creative dommes who are now retired, in today’s post. If you missed out on both Mistress Eleise and Lady Sophia then… well, I’m afraid you face a lifetime of sadness and regret. Sorry and all that, but there it is… you can at least be happy for me that I managed to meet them both. Several times. Does that help? Anyway, fortunately, Lady Lola, on the left, appears still to be active and I’m sure will give you a ballet lesson to remember, if you ask very very nicely.

Fulfilment

I did a few of these, back at the old site. Here’s another.

Hel-lo? FDS Fulfilment Solutions. I’m Katie, how can I help you today?

Hmm? Yeah, FDS Fulfilment Solutions? If you’re calling this number, probably you ordered a package from some business that uses our services. Hang on, the system will automatically show me your last order, if this is the phone number you registered when buying on-line, so… no, don’t hang up! It’ll only take a moment.

Right, so are you Mr Malcolm Curtis, 23 Acacia Drive, Solihull? OK, great. Thank you for waiting, Mr Curtis.

Now the only entry I can see for you is an order from… Bitch Princess Lydia’s Loser Store, is that right? One… used tampon.

Right.

So, er… what’s the problem Mr Curtis? Did it not arrive?

A bit embarrassing? OK, yeah, I can imagine it would be – but go on, you might as well tell me? We get occasional embarrassing situations here, as you can imagine – just this morning, I had a client who’d ordered a dining table and he’d forgotten to check the size, so it didn’t fit through his door. Which is… y’know, a bit embarrassing… even if it’s not quite the same, obviously.

It wasn’t what, sorry?

Used. Right. Wasn’t used. Yeah, I can see how that would be frustrating for you.

Well, look, I can send a note to… to Bitch Princess Lydia noting that the order as fulfilled didn’t match the description on the web site. Generally, our suppliers respond quite fast when we do that, as obviously they don’t want to be delisted, and FDS doesn’t want to be associated with a company that… that…

Actually, it looks like Bitch Princess Lydia’s Store has already been delisted. Doesn’t say why. Sorry. So I don’t think there’s anything I can… erm…

Mmm….

Look, I probably shouldn’t do this but as it happens it’s that time of month for me, and I can… I mean, if you really want a, erm…

No, really. No problem. I’ve got your address, so I can just pop into the loo here on my next break and erm…

No, don’t worry about the postage, I can put it through the system.

In a plastic bag? Yeah, sure. To keep it, to keep it… fresh, right? Makes sense. Yeah.

No, really, no trouble at all. “Fulfilling our customers’ needs is our business and our pleasure”, as it says on our web site.

I know, I know. But it’s the only job I could get.

Tell you what, though, after this call you’ll get an email, asking you to rate your experience? A big smiley green face for every category would be nice.

Thanks! Yeah, you too.

Er… no, I’d rather not meet up outside work, if you don’t mind. It’s against company policy. Plus… y’know, the used tampon thing.

Yeah, sure. Don’t forget the smiley face, now! Remember, I’ve got your address.

Sure. Anything else I can do for you today? OK, well, I will action that for you now, Mr Curtis. Thank you for calling FDS Fulfilment Solutions. Fulfilling our customers’ needs is our business and – oh, you’ve gone. Bye, then.

Shanaya! Just going on a break!

THE END

They say that jobs like Katie’s are likely to be among the first to succumb to the AI revolution, but surely this little tale illustrates some of the downsides to that? Sure, AIs can do amazing things but could an AI have sent poor Mr Curtis a used tampon for him to masturbate over? OK, not all the customers need that kind of attention for their enquiries, but isn’t it worth keeping that option open, FDS Fulfilment Solutions? There’s more to life than profit, you know: the human touch matters too.

As it happens, though, Katie doesn’t work there any more. Despite being named ‘Employee of the Month’ soon after the events of this story, she decided on a career change and is apparently making more than ten times as much money as she used to. Isn’t that great? I asked her what the new job was and she just giggled and said that fulfilling her customers’ needs is now her business – and her pleasure. Make of that what you will.