February 2023 – Contemplating the divine

Perilous prose

You have to slap pretty hard to get the ketchup sachet to burst open. But then you have to slap pretty hard anyway – she insists on it – so don’t worry about that. Worry about other things.

And she’ll make sure you’re penciled in for one of the first slots available in her schedule after her holiday, OK?

I once told a domme I couldn’t really cope with public humiliation and she just looked at me strangely and asked how I managed in day to day life, never leaving the house. I think she must have misunderstood me.

Don’t worry, her travel insurance will make sure she gets all the money she needs after your tragic and unexplained disappearance.

My SO once had an affair with a lesbian sub and I was over the moon, because I thought finally there’d be another submissive to share the chores. But apparently lesbian D/S “doesn’t work like that”. And the attitude to chastity play was a bit different too… a lot different, if I’m honest.

Relationships founded on respect

Not mutual respect, obviously. No fun in that.

Go on, it’s an opportunity to show off your strength. Girls like that.

An optional 150% service charge will be added to his bill, but of course it’s entirely at her discretion.

I don’t think ‘we’ are going to be doing a lot of talking, except of the begging and pleading variety. Same as usual.

There are penalties for average scores below ‘B’ and rewards for slaves receiving an overall ‘A’, although no one has ever found out what those rewards might be. This guy here is averaging a ‘G’, but then he is very experienced and well-trained so it’s not surprising he’s doing so well.

We were bent over the desk, dreading every stroke, I think, if I remember rightly – and wondering why we can’t just enjoy normal sex, like normal people do.

Ladylike behaviour

A caption from the days before teleworking, of course. These days busy executives can do a full working day and tawse their husbands as often as needed, all without even leaving the house.

Obviously, men are allowed in the toilets to clean them – but that’s a privilege reserved for the best-behaved and longest-serving residents.

If they put that finding together with the body profile they deduced from the outsized maid outfit also found in your house, they just might get a clear picture of what happened. Science is great, isn’t it? Just ask Serena and Alice.

Some people who are generally quite dim can turn out to be brilliant at maths. Just like some of us with quite high IQs can often be fucking useless stupid morons – or as often as I can afford to pay people to tell me I am, anyway.

He must have very good genes. Shame there’s no question of them being passed on to the next generation.

When her pet-name for you is ‘maggot’

… then you know you’re onto a good thing.

Make sure you get the right one, this time.

She’ll have plenty of sex and plenty of money – she prefers to get them from different people, that’s all. That’s not going to be a problem, is it?

Sexual pleasure is over-rated anyway, so I have been led to understand.

Princess Neive and Miss Analisa, there, and also here. But neither working in person any more, I believe, alas.

Oh well. You can enjoy watching her eat too, I suppose, just like you watch her do the other thing.

I asked a sex worker for a nurse roleplay session and when I got there she threatened to go on strike, harangued me about the state of NHS funding and then fell asleep, exhausted after a 14-hour shift. Exactly as I’d asked for in my pre-session email… what a pro.

True love’s first slap

Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, a day when humiliation freaks worldwide will rush down to the letterbox in the morning, to revel deliciously in the proof that once again, not a single one of the three billion females in the world has the slightest romantic interest in any of us.

Actually, I did once receive a Valentine card, from this girl I really fancied at school and didn’t have the courage to tell of my feelings for her, but it turned out it she had sent it to the wrong address and it was intended for someone else. Goodness, how everyone laughed and laughed when that little mix-up was revealed in class, after I got down on my knees to confess my long-standing love for her. I hope she wasn’t too humiliated by her error being exposed so publicly, poor thing.

I do have a couple of Valentine-themed captions, as it happens, but not a
full set of five, so I thought I’d… what’s that, readers? You say you don’t
give a flying fuck whether I creatively theme the blog or not? That you
just want to masturbate to images of pretty ladies saying humiliating
or vaguely menacing things, so why don’t I shut the fuck up and get on
with it?

Oh. OK then.

You could cavil at the poor quality of the photo, but this is Mistress Ardenne so even a blurry photo is more beautiful than 99.999999999999% of things on the planet. Long retired, I’m sure, so don’t even ask, OK?

Wow. No time for second thoughts – let’s tie the knot!

My SO says the same: apparently it’s ‘easier’ to leave me locked up. Personally, I’ve never had any real difficulties masturbating (except when my penis is locked in a tube, or I’m in tight bondage or agonising pain, that is) so I don’t really see why that should be but I don’t doubt she’s right. For one thing ‘doubting she’s right’ is #255 on the list of forbidden activities, just 243 places below masturbation itself.

Selecting honesty level two would have got you “Oh… it’s all right, I suppose. A bit below average but I’ve seen worse.”

Funny how it still feels just like that very first date you went on together. Some relationships are like that, but it’s very rare.

Persuasive speech

Ooh! A potential ally. That’s rare: so few women take men’s lib seriously.

You can’t put a price on job satisfaction.

Don’t worry, I’m sure she can’t trace your IP address. Just keep reading Contemplating the Divine… everything’ll be fine.

He doesn’t need to renew his vows to her, of course. I mean, she’s not going to release him from them, or anything.

Oh well. No real harm done. You do look a bit like No. 23, actually – I don’t know whether anyone else has ever mentioned that? But then we all look near-identical… hence the numbers, I suppose.

Words can never hurt you

…but these ladies can.

You might think it a little unfair that only one of the submissives in this relationship does all the housework – but remember, she needs to rest during the day after a busy night looking after Mistress’s sexual needs.

Let’s just say I’ve had time to get my hand in.

They should be more careful with their property.

Unlike regular sex work, paid femdom doesn’t have to involve hanging around on cold rainy street corners, wearing nothing but a latex miniskirt, tiny top and uncomfortable high heels – but if that’s what my dominatrix says is going to happen, I usually don’t argue.

Don’t be alarmed; her mother may be a bit bossy but at least she likes you. She described you as ‘very suitable’ when you were first introduced to her, remember?

There are seventeen more important rules

…than this one but Rule 18 is the only one that regularly features here. Reminder: it’s the advice to a novice domme that reads “try to avoid sessions with clients who have really specific fetishes and can’t get off unless it is exactly right.” But it’s just become an excuse to post pictures of things that might be weird fetishes or would be weird as fetishes.

Yes, I know none of you like this series. But (a) this is an extra post, so you don’t miss out on the usual Tuesday and Friday deliveries of wank-fodder and (b) I don’t care.

Oh that coy, come-hither look! And those froggy eyes.

This particular kink is neither sane nor safe. Makes a nice arty picture, though.

As it happens, the client’s specific fetish in this one was being told to fuck off and make coffee, so it is actually a Rule 18.

What are the rules of this game again? Very different from the sort of hockey I played at school, anyway, which involved a ball, curvey-ended sticks and lots of fantasising about sporty girls with strong thighs charging around the playing field wearing gymslips (sadly in short supply at my boys-only school). Although in January and February, the playing surface was quite similar to the one in the image above, because our playing fields flooded, then froze. As did we… made me the man I am today, y’know.

Oh… This Kink Is Definitely Not My Kink. If it happens to be yours… well, you’re the luckiest person on the Internet today, then, aren’t you?

She looks pretty wascally to me.

She doesn’t want your pathetic, wilting, stale little cup-cake, loser. She wants the firm, sweet and satisfying cup-cakes those guys have to offer. Possibly all three of them, at the same time.

Of course she has. She’s a professional.

Advice to a novice domme: no. Just no. Especially not in those heels.

Delightfully despotic

Better do as she says. But with dignity, right? Always with dignity.

For those of you objecting that getting an erection is a natural reaction to the situation, merely an expression of sexual desire, should realise that exactly the same argument applies to her giving you powerful electric shocks.

She needn’t hurry. This isn’t going to be over any time soon. Not ever, actually.

She’s not saying it’s a hard limit, mind.

Maybe since she broke her side of the bargain, you should ask for all the presents back? It’s only fair. Admittedly, fairness has never really been big in this relationship.