lady in red – Contemplating the divine

She’s got it

And she’s quite prepared to use it, so stop arguing and bend over.

There’s obviously no inherent contradiction in describing something as both ‘a traditional costume’ and ‘a spanking dress’. Just ask the ladies or – when they’ve finished standing in the corner – the men of the Czech Republic.

It’s shocking the state some of these railway station toilets get into. Thank goodness there are public-spirited people like her prepared to step up and do something about it.

At least she mentioned it, first. It’s actually quite offensive, the way so many women consider castrated males’ bodies almost to be public property – just reaching out for a little pat without asking permission.

Ironically enough, those discussions tend to be anything but ‘instant’, often going on for hours.

See, that’s a Mars/Venus thing right there. The male naturally focuses on the physical cause of his pain but the woman looks beyond these trivial mechanical explanations for the underlying *psychological* reason. Like during a beating: it’s not the whip she’s cracking across your back that’s hurting you, it’s your own behaviour.

I have follow-up questions… Let’s hope she doesn’t consider them impertinent – oh, who am I kidding? Let’s hope she does.

Pointing turns

Yup, those. Number forty in an occasional… forty? Forty?? Bloody hell, how long have I been doing this blog?

Regular ‘readers’ of this blog who actually bother to look at the words, instead of just beating off to the pictures of pretty ladies looking stern, will realise that much of its ‘humour’ is inspired by the style of Gary Larson’s cartoon The Far Side.

Where ‘inspired’ in this context means “a pathetic and embarassing attempt to publish femdom porn in a manner that is spuriously justified”

This week’s ‘special’ (no, not your monthly ‘special’, you have to ask Mistress for that) is a collection of captions that are particularly ~~blatant rip-offs of~~ close homages to that style. Without, obviously, either (a) infringing anyone’s intellectual property rights or (b) being funny.

Enjoy. Or don’t. I get paid just as much either way.

Foolish things

As often as she likes, obviously. Which is quite often.

Perhaps her mistress will come to see the advantages in having a male around. Maybe get one herself; I understand they’re very cheap to keep, they needn’t be irritating if they are permanently gagged and after all, she’s got a sub to make sure the nasty thing washes itself frequently.

It’s silly to complain about the taste: I mean, it’s not *her* fault the company that produces the shaving foam makes it so unpleasant, is it? Write them a letter if you’re so upset about it: I’m sure she’d buy you a stamp.

How could anyone be frightened of a sweet, harmless little creature like her?

It was a blonde joke, wasn’t it? ‘How many blonde nurses does it take to change an obnoxious man’s sexist attitudes’… was that it?

Seems a bit easier than the game of “Guess what implement’s next” that my SO likes to play with me strapped down over the whipping bench. I’m rubbish at it: I don’t think I’ve been right once in what must be over 20 tries, even though she gives me a choice between only two each time. No matter what I say, it’s always the other one. That’s odds of 2^20 against… over a million to one! Pretty unlucky… but as she likes to say, meeting her was such a lucky thing for me, I don’t deserve any more luck ever again, and of course I can’t argue with logic like that.

Owning him

When your Mistress is a perfect 10, it’s only fair that you have to be graded too.

And we don’t ‘bob’ so much as immerse and hold down.

Oh, if there is one Lady I’d love to see again, it is Lady Sophia Black. She lit our lives up like a, like a… hmm… comet? No, something brighter. Like a flamethrower, then retired too soon, too too soon.

She’s focused on what’s important in the relationship and you should be too.

That’s an interesting question – let me ask you one in return, preferably on my knees, with my paws up like a begging dog.

He has an excellent retirement plan and one day she might tell him what it is.

She also likes to play “this little piggie”, especially the bit about shrieking all the way home.

An unfair crack of the whip

It’s the best kind.

Oh, I don’t know. He looks enviably lucky to me.

She’s quite wrong about that: Mark will derive no sexual pleasure at all from spanking you. He’s actually rather gentle and vanilla when it comes to sex, despite his aggressive and violent persona.

I think it shows a lack of ambition on her part, assuming you’ve fucked up like that. My SO wants me to excel in my work, and is never satisfied with anything other than a perfect 10 on all my tasks. One day perhaps I’ll even manage it.

Their service takes care of the basic everyday money extraction aspects of findomme, leaving ladies to concentrate on what they’re really good at: spending it.

Oh well, as long as I’m not the only one dressed like that. Don’t you just hate it when you turn up to some event and you’re the only one naked except for your collar and leash? I know I do.

True love’s first slap

Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, a day when humiliation freaks worldwide will rush down to the letterbox in the morning, to revel deliciously in the proof that once again, not a single one of the three billion females in the world has the slightest romantic interest in any of us.

Actually, I did once receive a Valentine card, from this girl I really fancied at school and didn’t have the courage to tell of my feelings for her, but it turned out it she had sent it to the wrong address and it was intended for someone else. Goodness, how everyone laughed and laughed when that little mix-up was revealed in class, after I got down on my knees to confess my long-standing love for her. I hope she wasn’t too humiliated by her error being exposed so publicly, poor thing.

I do have a couple of Valentine-themed captions, as it happens, but not a
full set of five, so I thought I’d… what’s that, readers? You say you don’t
give a flying fuck whether I creatively theme the blog or not? That you
just want to masturbate to images of pretty ladies saying humiliating
or vaguely menacing things, so why don’t I shut the fuck up and get on
with it?

Oh. OK then.

You could cavil at the poor quality of the photo, but this is Mistress Ardenne so even a blurry photo is more beautiful than 99.999999999999% of things on the planet. Long retired, I’m sure, so don’t even ask, OK?

Wow. No time for second thoughts – let’s tie the knot!

My SO says the same: apparently it’s ‘easier’ to leave me locked up. Personally, I’ve never had any real difficulties masturbating (except when my penis is locked in a tube, or I’m in tight bondage or agonising pain, that is) so I don’t really see why that should be but I don’t doubt she’s right. For one thing ‘doubting she’s right’ is #255 on the list of forbidden activities, just 243 places below masturbation itself.

Selecting honesty level two would have got you “Oh… it’s all right, I suppose. A bit below average but I’ve seen worse.”

Funny how it still feels just like that very first date you went on together. Some relationships are like that, but it’s very rare.

When life gives you lemons…

…strap him down to a table, clip his eyelids open and squeeze the juice into them.

Too unpleasant for you? Then you definitely will not want to watch this clip of women (as the title indicates) brutally torturing men to death.

No, seriously, you won’t. That clip is not some kind of happy S&M consensual game, nor are the terrified victims saved at the last minute from the evil torturers (don’t you hate it when that happens in mainstream movies?). It is possibly the most unpleasant, brutal mainstream clip I have ever seen. Very nasty stuff.

I mean, who could possibly enjoy that sort of thing? You’d have to be a truly sick weirdo to get any kind of sexual pleasure from that. Simply horrible, it is. Vile.

Mmmm.

Anyway, on we go!

Some poor sod’s going to have to clean that up, you know.

‘Non-lethal’ is how I like my femdom play.

Yes, let’s hope Ellie doesn’t take it out on them. She’d got a terrible temper, you know.

The people have spoken… the ones wanking online, anyway, and that’s good enough for her.

Thank goodness none of that applies to any of us, eh readers? Imagine the (fully justified) self-loathing you’d have to feel to get off on something like this.

Blowing my mind, stealing my heart

Somebody help me ‘fore I fall apart.

Don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal to feel a little nervous.

Remarkably, I understand she got 100% in all her exams without even turning up. And now works in a profession where she earns more than £500/hour working from home. It just shows the value of adopting the right educational techniques.

Don’t get her wrong – she’d be perfectly happy to lace or unlace her own boots. But when there are men queuing up to pay for the privilege, why would she?

“…his eyes widened as she slowly, deliberately trailed her fingers all the way up his long… hard knitting needle, her fingertip lingering for a second at the top. “It’s a number 7” he blurted out awkwardly, feeling the need to respond in some way to this sudden intimate contact. “At least” she murmured in reply, nodding gently, thoughtfully. Then she made a decision and looked straight into his startled eyes. “I want you to make me something stylish but practical”, she breathed with an urgency that surprised even her. “I want you to make it now!”. She glanced into his knitting bag, where the multicoloured balls of wool nestled quietly, expectantly. A hint of a smile tugged at the corners of her lips, as she…”

The ‘arrogant dismissive domme’ thing comes naturally to some.

Category: lady in red