plumbers – Contemplating the divine

So chic so fine you all look so divine

I do my best thinking in the corner. Sadly, it’s still not very good.

Reminds me of my SO, who has a real phobia about germs. If there are any streaks left in the toilet bowl, she calls me to lick them away immediately. Hygiene’s so important to good health, after all.

Apparently, many men find female sexual fantasy hard to accept – but as long as you’re tied tightly enough, you’ll accept whatever’s going on, I say.

Yeah, it’s weird: from a very early age I had no interest in playing with toy hammers or saws but show me a mop or a dishcloth and I’d be away. I used to play in the girls’ household corner at nursery school (kindergarten to you, most likely). Well… I used to clean up their mess after class, actually, but it was play for me.

Of course in reality she’s speaking in Czech and he ain’t from round there so I’m afraid he’s not getting much of this. He has picked up a few words already in his stay, but all he’s hearing is “—- flogging —- punishment —– ball-kicking —-“. Fortunately the OWK ladies have other ways of making themselves understood.

So if he’s already had gay sex eleven times, that implies a gay/straight ratio over the course of his life of… well: infinity.

Fun, fun, fun. In the sun, sun, sun.

After last Friday’s shivery Saturnalia, here are some sunny-themed captions to warm the hearts and bottoms of any males spending the long dark winter nights in an unheated kennel.

He could protest. After all, you need to be careful not to spend too much time in the sun, if you have sensitive skin. On the other hand, you really don’t want to piss these two girls off if you have sensitive skin, either, come to think of it.

Go on. What have you got to lose?

How about that? She noticed you!

If it stings him on the penis, it could swell up to three times its normal size. So, hey – six inches at last! There’s that to look forward to.

That’s actually not the worst of it. Just a few months ago, he congratulated the coffee boy at work for being the only person he knew who could make coffee the way he liked it, the way his wife did. Plus, he’s about to be drowned, of course. So it’s a bad day all round, really.

Not actually summer, but they are about to get nice and warm. Twice a day, on a regular cycle.

It’s a tonic for the troops!

And Charlie ain’t no Nazi
She likes to wear her leather boots
‘Cos it’s exciting for the veterans
And…

Women, eh? Sometimes there’s no pleasing them. You try to apologise, and they just run you over with a tank anyway. Still… I guess we wouldn’t have them any other way, eh chaps?

Cathie might need a new lawyer in her stable. She gets through slaves quite quickly – doesn’t look after them properly, truth be told.

She has a plan.

This is the delightfully delightful Miss Tiffany Naylor. ‘A dominatrix based in Milton Keynes.’ To be honest, for me that’s a hard limit right there. But it would be worth it, to meet her.

I suppose there’s little chance of either being a blow job? No? Worth asking…

I suppose any Radio 4 listeners amongst you will want to point ou that I got the apostrophe in the wrong place. Radio 4 listeners are like that.

The rest of you have no fucking idea what I’m talking about, have you? I don’t know myself sometimes, to be honest.

Married, with consequences

Married couples should talk about their finances. Too few do – but it can save a lot of pain later on.

Than you Susan. (braces)

I hope she doesn’t give in to peer pressure. When she decides to have you castrated it should be because that’s what she wants to do. No other considerations should come into it.

Nasty man with big smelly feet. Really smelly feet. I can’t understand what she sees in him.

Those surveys… I think all they do is make women feel unsatisfied. And I should know.