Contemplating the divine

In the so-called ‘real world’ the new female PM of the United Kingdom is having a difficult start, having accidentally killed off a beloved monarch in her first week and then hurtling downhill from there. In a better-run parallel world, however, a newly-elected counterpart is getting on with some much-needed legislative reforms.  The email below reached me through a trans-dimensionoodly doohickey gizmo, so I thought I’d pass it on to you.

To: tjl@mmc.gov.fem
From: lhh@pmo.gov.fem
Subject: Draft Male Re-education legislation

 Security classification: confidential policydev. Female eyes only.

Hi Tilly

Just passing on some drafting points for the MRA your department is preparing.  The PM asked her comms team for some advice and they’ve come up with the following. Anything you don’t agree with, just brief your Minister and she can bring it up in Thursday’s Cabinet. PM still absolutely committed to this: it’s the centrepiece of her programme.  Mostly just some language
suggestions.

Main points from the comms girls:

1. They didn’t like the name.  Male Re-education Act.  Not sure why, maybe same idea as not liking ‘Re-education
   Camp’, see below.  But this is the name we’ve been using since the election campaign, so ignore this one.  Anyway, it is going to be educational.    Very!  😉 
2. Replace ‘sexist scum’ in Intro with ‘males with old-fashioned attitudes’.  And throughout.
3. Similarly, in the background section remove the word ‘moronic’ from the stuff about patriarchal oppression and they suggest using ‘a healing process’ instead of ‘retribution’. Shame to tone down what I thought was an excellent section but the important thing is to get the law passed.  Then we can say and do what we like.
   
4. In ‘Our proposals’ section use ‘meaningful exchange of views’ instead of ‘grinding the sexist opponents of female
   supremacy beneath our boots’.  I think I detect your Minister’s own hand (and boot!) in that one!  PM loved it, but probably has to go. 😊
5. ‘Re-education camps’.  This is the big one: comms team just went on and on about totalitarian imagery, blah blah fascism.  They suggested ‘Nurturing Centres’ – excuse me while I vomit!  So, maybe this is something to discuss.  A quick brainstorm round the girls in the PMO came up with ‘Sexism Retraining Facilities’ (but it sounds like we’re training them to be better at sexism, which is the opposite of the point!), ‘Male Re-orientation Facilities’ (I quite liked that) and ‘Male Betterment
   Centres’ (bleah but at least it’s not ‘nurturing’). Welcome suggestions!
6. Use ‘appropriate medical intervention’ for the c-word.  Actually, this is something you really should already have picked up on: a memo was sent around just after the election banning the word ‘c*str*tion’ or any direct synonyms in any official government
   communications.  (And on Twitter – maybe something you could remind your Minister about, hmmmm??  Again!??).
7. Some of the budget line items: ‘restraints’, ‘cattle prods’, ‘whips’ etc could all be consolidated into one line reading ‘educational equipment’; ‘enemas’ and ‘ice baths’ into ‘medical supplies’ etc.  Plus, see point 6 above concerning some of the medical supplies, OK?  You know the ones I mean.
   
8. NB: not a comms issue but just on the finances, the reviewers commented on how low the budget for inmate food is.  I had the same reaction: I divided the total by the expected number of inmates and I was a bit shocked.  Are you quite sure you can keep an adult male alive on this much?  I mean, we’re all in favour of saving taxpayers’ money, but we don’t want them dying of starvation.  Not many of them, anyway.  Just have another look.
9. On the other hand, the budget for guards’ uniforms is astronomical!  We want them to look smart but the girls at HM Treasury are going to push back on this.  I understand this is because you plan to use high-quality leather designs and I’m sure they’ll look fabulous – so just make sure they do, OK?  Goddess knows they should, for that kind of money!  PM is probably OK to sign off, but you might want to kit out a couple of guards in demonstration uniforms and send them across to No 10 for
   the PM to take a look.  I suggest younger guards, preferably blonde, and you might want to check they’re not entirely
   heterosexual too, if you know what I mean?  I think you do!  😜
   
10. Back to drafting points.  A few words the comms girls flagged for reconsideration: ‘insects’ (only problematic as used to refer to males, OK in the context of the inmates’ diets), use ‘benefiting’ not ‘suffering’ throughout, ‘developing practical work skills’ not ‘forced labour’ (and omit the reference there to nudity), ‘meditation posts’ for ‘pillories’, ‘step exercise’ not ‘treadmill’, ‘
    well-adjusted’ not ‘obedient’, ‘intensive care’ and ‘treatments’  not ‘torture’ – and actually, you can lose the entire section describing all the ‘treatments’ recalcitrant offenders can receive in what I’ll call the ‘intensive care’ facilities.  The section must have been fun to write and it was certainly fun to read (not sure I’ve ever been aroused by a legislative draft before 😏) but all of these ‘treatments’ you describe in such agonising (pun intended!) detail are authorised under the general language of Article 17(d) anyway, so no need to spell it all out. Any male who claims he didn’t realise the meaning of ‘any method the Warden (or any Guard to whom she deputises that decision) considers appropriate’ has only himself to blame when he’s strapped down
    shrieking to an ‘intensive care’ table for ‘treatments’ !
    
11. On the same theme, returning to the budget, have you considered saving 12% on the cost of the ‘intensive care centre’ in the camp (sorry!  old habits!) facility by leaving out the soundproofing? It’s already deep underground.  And if any faint sounds do get out, does anyone really mind?  Could be quite ‘educational’ for the other inmates, anyway, hearing a little of what happens if they misbehave.  Incidentally, I understand there will be a VIP viewing area in the first ‘facility’.  Looking forward to my invitation to the grand opening!
    
12.  Finally, just on how you describe the procedures for the release of rehabilitated prisoners… I’m really going to have to insist here. Cos the PM herself is a bit annoyed about this one, OK, Tilly? And you know how bad that can be.  Look: she loves your Minister’s commitment to female supremacy and there isn’t a hairs-breadth difference between them on policy matters. But she had to come down hard on this sort of language during the election campaign when your Minister let her enthusiasm run away with her and she’s disappointed to see the same language in this draft.  Once and for all: males on release are ‘Citizens Under Supervision of Responsible Females’ and when they pass from one RF to another a ‘Custodial Acceptance Fee’ is paid.
    They are not ‘slaves’ and they are certainly not ‘auctioned off to the highest bidder’.  For Goddess’ sake, can you just get
    your Minister to read the f***ing memo?
    

Sorry to come down so hard on that last point.  But the PM was quite insistent.  She was in a foul mood when she left the meeting but I think she took it out on her husband as usual, so the thunderclouds have now cleared and we can all breathe easily again here in the PMO!

More domestically, are you still on for lunch on Sunday? I thought I might tell Mike to prepare a roast – very traditional!  As is the new uniform I bought him, as you’ll see!  Let me know if you’re going to bring George but there should be enough scraps for both of them anyway.

Kiss kiss

Lindy

Rt. Hon. Linda Harcourt, GCMG

Special Political Advisor to the Prime Minister

Prime Minister’s Office

10 Downing St

 I’ll be sure to share any follow-ups with you, of course.  Thus far, I have only seen one email with no text except the words “No worries, Lindy: they do look fabulous 😍😍😍 !” and the attachment below.