wife – Page 4 – Contemplating the divine

I stand to be corrected

… or I bend over, or I just wriggle slightly in the bonds, making little mmphing pleading sounds.

There are no ‘behavioural problems’, only behavioural opportunities, my SO always says. And I agree with her.

What many men who dabble in men’s lib don’t get is how profoundly offensive it is to women, to suggest that the sexes are equal. I mean, how do you think she’d feel, to be told she’s no better than… well… you?

Hypothermia play! Mmmm….

Actually, I’m more of a leg man. So, with a bit of luck…. oh dear.

Customs change – what was acceptable in times gone by is profoundly offensive nowadays. I went to a stage show the other night which featured an on-stage spanking and I just cringed. I wasn’t even in the front row either – how come I always get picked?

I can still hear you saying

… you would never break the chain.

Oh, not again…

Do you know, I think I might be so full after all that, I don’t think I could face a dessert? But fortunately, no one cares what I think.

I’ve suffered from a few sexual complaints in my time.

Well, it’s hardly my fault. I mean – I just glanced at her. For two seconds – three, tops!

It’s tough, being a responsible adult. So I’ve heard.

Household rulers

I’m normally done in 15 seconds anyway, actually.

Some evenings she likes just to chain him to the cold cellar floor, come upstairs, grab a bottle of Chardonnay and a box of tisues and settle down to a good rom-com on TV.

As long as the first ring goes on OK, erections shouldn’t be a problem.

That is the deal. I have yet to discover when, if ever, is ‘off shift’.

I seem to spend my whole life charging devices – if it’s not the shock collar, it’s the phone, and all her vibrators need constantly to be fully charged too… modern world, I suppose.

Libidon’t

Actually, I often find myself lying awake at night thinking about some tiny little thing or other.

Sounds ideal. If you’re wondering how occasional the kinky sex is planned to be, the answer is that it depends very much on the other stuff.

How does she know I’m creepy? I haven’t even said anything creepy yet.

My SO’s boyfriend is quite broadminded and doesn’t object to her having a submissive as such – apparently it’s just me he can’t stand.

Yes. Much better not to know.

…and as a special extra treat, and at the possible cost of infecting my computer with every virus from here to Sunday, as I looked for video-editing software, here is an animated GIF…

Woooo!

Well, I’m impressed. I mean by the way I was able to add the captions. I don’t mean by her. She is – obviously – truly… deeply impressive.

Kept men

(we don’t talk about the discarded ones).

Another 2% fantasise desperately about it not happening, or at least not so often and not quite so hard.

Featuring the lovely and no-nonsense Miss Cassie Hunter, the Hunteress.

Right. It’s about time all this nonsense stopped – I’m going to put my foot down. In fact, I’m going to stamp my foot – hard. Several times. And I’m going to to have a proper tantrum. That should show her she can’t treat me like this.

Their faces usually fall again when she goes on to inform them that she will therefore proceed to the next thrashing, for the next item on her list.

I once asked my SO if she could feminise me, but she just laughed and said she’d love to, but I don’t have the IQ to make a convincing woman.

She cares a lot.

By the way, not ‘found femdom’ in any meaningful way, but over the break I’ve been watching episodes of 90s British sitcom Game On and perving ever so slightly to the lovely Samantha Janus and especially her relationship with the character Martin. I watched it occasionally at the time it was broadcast and it’s as weird and spectacularly depressing as ever, as the basic set-up is that Matt – a neurotic, agoraphobic narcissist – rents out rooms in his flat to Martin (a wimp) and Mandy (a goddess!). Martin is a virgin desperate for sex, while Mandy is frustrated with her life and hates herself for sleeping with so many men. But (da-dum), the only men she absolutely will not have sex with are the other two characters. With Matt, she refuses and pushes him away but with Martin it obviously never even occurs to her to have sex with him. There’s a lovely scene in this episode (intended to be the first ever, although they varied the order of broadcast), in which her latest boxer boyfriend takes up her whole bed, so she snuggles up with Martin, who lies there with an erection the whole desperate night. Here, starting 16.22. Ahhh…

So, yeah, not in any way femdom. Except that Samantha Janus is quite literally a goddess and I for one intend to found a religion in her honour.

She is notionally Samantha Womack these days, but I’ll be hunting down Mr so-called Womack and forcing the blasphemer to change his name to Janus, as is only right and proper, so don’t worry about that.

Hurtful thoughts

I think writing lines is a ridiculous and pointless, tedious activity and there are few things I hate doing more than writing lines for hours at her command. I told her that just the other day. 500 times, in fact.

I did an interview once. Check it out if you want to find out about the real Servitor, behind the leather mask. Don’t read it if the thought of knowing the real Servitor makes you nauseous.

Ooh – looks like there might be a consciousness-raising session coming on!

There wasn’t much to begin with.

I often have ‘plenty to complain about’. Regretably, I’m not allowed so it all goes to waste.

The strength of a woman

You know, I’ve forgotten what I was going to ask about now. Often happens. Oh well.

Remarkably, with that sniper rifle she can give herself an orgasm with an man who is anything up to a kilometre away.

Medical opinion is divided on the advisability of gagging castration patients during their operations. On the one hand, there are those who say it’s best to shut the bastards up; but on the other, there are surgeons who get off on the screaming. The debate continues, in the medical journals.

First dates can often be a bit embarassing… just go with it.

Busy busy.

Domesticated bliss

Oh… now there was a reason. What on earth was it? Ermmm… let me think.

It’s her next project for the garden, after the sun deck is all done.

They say that dieting requires self-discipline, but I’ve never found I needed any.

Oh, humour her. Women can be silly about these things. An occasional waterboarding is a small price to pay for a harmonious mariage, hmm?

Nothing. Yet.

The other was me and I’m a boy

Never quite sure what The Who were complaining about in that song. Looks to me like an idyllic childhood.

You can earn free hair grips and stuff when you spend money too – pretty cool, huh?

She tries so hard… but usually fails.

That’s a bit unfair. I once told my SO that I could do any job a woman can do, so she arranged an internshp at a brothel, giving blow-jobs to oil rig workers on shore leave. To be honest, I wasn’t quite as good at it as the girls but I had plenty of clients once they priced me at a 95% discount.

Yeah, how about it Dave? Equal pay for equal work. Stand up for yourself and be a man, for once. Or ‘you go, girl!’. Whatever.

Our pillory’s my special place. I can spend hours at a time in there, not really doing anything in particular, you know?

Spousework

Very sensible of her to discuss it straight away, so they can sort whatever it is out and get on with their marriage.

I suppose it’s good that she’s finally getting more use out of them. Normally, she puts them on once a month at most and even then she only uses one finger and a thumb of the left glove.

Nothing humiliating there… move on.

Oh, Susan will blame him. She needn’t worry about that. He should, though.

Mind what? Why can’t the ladies featured on this blog just say what they mean? It’s maddening, it really is.