toilet training – Page 3 – Contemplating the divine

Being the best she can make me

You know, there are whole ‘pick-up artist’ sites that are all about how to get women to take their panties off, but none of them have hit upon this very simple technique. It’s just about understanding her needs, really.

I would. I wonder what it would have felt like.

Going to be a long, hot summer.

More women suffer from having excessively deep vaginas than many men realise – almost everyone I’ve been on a date with has had that problem, remarkably.

It’s a form of ‘one woman one vote’ system.

Further details available here.

For who would bear the whips and scorns?

I once checked on a date-rating site after an evening with a very lovely lady and discovered she’d rated me lower than her vibrator. Which I wouldn’t mind so much, if that was the rating for sex but that was under ‘personality’.

She’s an expert negotiator.

Warning: the value of investment bankers can go down as well as up.

There’s also ‘maidspreading’. That’s when you stand with your legs held firmly apart with a spreader bar. It’s usually a precursor to something rather painful.

You’d think they’d have guessed from the spreader gag.

Menial: (adj), relating to men, e.g. ‘menial tasks’

A 2% productivity boost from employing an intern for nothing? I think the shareholders are going to like those numbers – so open wide and don’t spill a drop.

And then we’ll discuss office attire – she has some ideas for him on that.

Surprisingly, given the efforts they’ve put into his training, poochie does not always do exactly as he’s told.

Almost anything you like.

That’s actually a joke: no woman has ever fallen asleep while having sexual intercourse with me. There just isn’t time. Or opportunity.

Matronising attitudes

Well, all right. As long as I get to have my say on the subject.

That’s fair.

It’s so hard to choose sometimes, isn’t it? Hmm… would I rather have a cock in my mouth or a turd? It’s so hard being submissive – I’ll bet other sexual perversions don’t end up causing such dilemmas.

It’s actually doubly unfair to set particularly hard questions to boys, because we’re stupider.

Hope she reads the instructions. Apparently, if you exceed the recommended dose, it can cause quite a lot of discomfort. I mean, more than the intended discomfort, obviously.

That would be funny…

… if it weren’t so sad.

Actually, there’s a perfectly simple explanation. Just tell her you’re a pervert.

You can get quite sweaty dressed up like that. Hope the other guests have brought plenty of liquids.

Hee hee. Brad might think he’s her favourite lover, but she doesn’t put the spotty socks on for him, does she? I know where her true affections lie. Anyway, better get on with it, there’s ironing to do (yum!).

Very true. We each have our special skill. Mine is ‘incompetence’.

Blubbolow fllabbo ploh?

Fragile masculinity

…and that’s a precious thing, because – oops! Dropped it. Oh well. I never really used it anyway. I’ll fetch a dustpan and brush, shall I, Ma’am?

Now that sounds like a man who’s strong enough to say sorry.

We hold these truths to be self-evident. That all men are created feral.

Perhaps if you save up, you could buy her time for an evening or something. On your wedding anniversary, for example. That would be a nice gesture.

Divorce in haste, repent at leisure. The positive thing is that he’s actually still seeing quite a lot of his wife, which I think is very healthy.

It’s called ‘I dare you even to think about not telling the truth, you devious little brat.’

The imperative mood

“The imperative mood
(often referred to simply as a command) is used to express demands,
instructions or requests. We usually use the second person (plural or
singular) with an unspoken “you” for the subject.” sez Learnenglish. The ‘you’ is indeed unspoken, although sometimes She substitutes other words to refer to Her servitor.

The grammatically correct response to the imperative mood is the submissive mood.

Ludicrous, unrealistic fantasy. Who’d pay $2500 for a male?

What’s that? You’re guessing ‘mandatory gender sensitivity training’? Well, sure, maybe that too, that too.

I don’t see the point of these fancy electronic monitoring systems. A sturdy 20-foot length of chain has always done the trick in our (actually Her) household.

Here’s a clue: whoever it was lifted the seat. So it won’t be Raoul for a start: he never does,

Compliance training

He’ll do OK on personal appearance too. He looks like a cringing, terrified little worm, which is exactly how she likes it.

Don’t you just hate it when the dates of your personal appraisals at home and at work coincide?

Don’t worry, the HR people will deal with this sensitive matter appropriately, too. Perhaps you ought to drop round, thank them for resolving the matter so speedily? They’re the unsung heroines of the workplace, in my view.

Chemical castration – some say it’s a valid alternative to physical castration, but I say why not try both?

Don’t worry – I don’t mean actual ‘bears’! No bestiality in this blog, thank you very much! No, the caption is suggesting a scene in which this lady is renting out her – husband, boyfriend, stepfather, slave? – to anyone who calls and on this occasion it’s going to be a group of big, hypermasculine male hairy biker types. He is presumptively heterosexual by inclination, so the implication is that she is lying, exhibiting gratuitous cruelty to her insignificant other. OK? There – now you can enjoy the caption. Anyone confused by any of the captions in this blog is recommended to read the template post, available here.

Controlling passions

You can invest in ethical slaves too – taking the pay packets of men working in charity organisations and suchlike. The returns aren’t as high, obviously, but you know you’re doing good whenever you whip extra performance out of them, not just doing well.

Self-respect is a delusion to which males are often prone.

She’s going to want the mess cleaned up and taken away, too. Let’s hope she’s remembered to bring a little bag this time.

I’ve heard that a lot of great writers had a habit of getting up early and putting in a good solid four hours writing. Perhaps you could try that.

Probably facing rather a severe dressing down, by the look of it.

Power play

Ah… the abusive dommie-psycho-mommie scene. Part of every domme’s standard repertoire. And all you need to get started are some wire coathangers.

The previous guy found the smell a bit pungent too. In fact, he said it made him vomit, it was so bad. But I’m sure he was exaggerating.

Everyone knows women all love sitting around having their boots cleaned and then smeared with semen. It’s amazing dommes get away with charging their clients so much to let them do it, really.

Hee hee. I’ve actually let it drain to 90% but I’m going to tell her it’s fully charged, because 90% is still a green light! Pretty sneaky, huh? That’s at least 25 minutes less screaming in agony. Guess I’ll show her!

It won’t matter to anyone who matters, anyway.