girls with guns – Page 3 – Contemplating the divine

You’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties

Happy relationships are all about boundaries. Many newly-married men get a bit silly about not being able to lead the batchelor life any more, but are you really any ‘less free’ just because from now on you can’t do or say anything your wife disapproves of? It’s just a different way of life, that’s all.

Rubbing up against a tree? Sounds a bit kinky.

She seems nice.

Yes, let’s.

What a lovely film that was. Especially the bath scene…

Tears before, during and after bedtime

It’s actually quite high in calories, but don’t worry about that because you’re unlikely to be able to keep much of it down.

Thank goodness for that. I think you can just leave the case in her capable hands.

I dunno – I find shops vary in the degree to which they are kink-friendly. Once I was sent to find some gear for an adult baby session and for some reason the staff in the ‘early years’ shop got all weird about it when I started asking about how strong their leather reins sets were, and whether the cots could be fitted with padlocks. But then on another occasion, I had to buy a hairbrush and the shop assistant in the department store I went to was delighted to help me try every one of them out. Said it was something she wished she could do to more customers. So you never know.

Silly boys. Reinforced seat trousers do little good when they’re around your ankles, anyway.

Male brains don’t multi-task. Mine barely tasks at all, to be honest. Now then: I was writing a caption..?

Captivating ladies

Actually, unlike many men with small penises, I don’t obsess about it and feel inadequate and ashamed about its size. My feelings of inadequacy and shame are much more broadly-based than that.

It’s just to redress the balance. Men are no good at empathy. Not like women: my SO always knows when I’m hurting badly, no matter how much I try to conceal it.

It’s much shorter than my punishment song – which has seventeen verses. Even though I’ve never considered myself a good singer, my SO usually enjoys it so much she ‘asks’ for an encore. Sometimes two.

Lucky bastard – he’s going to be experiencing his top sexual fantasy for the rest of his life.

The gentlemen in the picture likes to claim he is ‘very experienced in BDSM’ but actually, he’s about to discover there’s a lot more to it than he had ever imagined.

Lovingly brutal

My SO has some lovely heavy rubber gimp outfits she likes me to wear. But for some reason only in summer. This time of year I’m not allowed to wear them. Or indeed any clothing at all. (I don’t count anything made of metal as clothing).

On the other hand, he does have to pay for it. A sissy slave doesn’t, which is just as well as they’re rarely allowed much pocket money.

She’s Head of the family now that her mother has passed away, of course. I mean, her father’s still around, I think, but no one ever paid much attention to him anyway.

This is the magnificent Goddess Sophia, on whose dungeon floor I have occasionally had the honour to be an unsightly smudge.

I think it’s all a bit unfair, really. I mean the hunters have trucks, high-powered rifles and female brains.

I think she wants creative control. And the biggest trailer on the set, with a soundproofed playroom too, obviously.

They did their duty

More dispatches from our heroines, the veterans of World War M. Those mutts have a lot to answer for. Never forget, never forgive.

And just for the history buffs, here’s a short exerpt from an interview recorded about two years before the War broke out. Who would ever have thought we would have cause to be grateful to Chinese hackers? Goddess only knows how the war would have gone had the mutts had an air force.

A pretty face may be enough to catch a man, but it takes character and good nature to hold him.

The title quote, of course, is from Sir Thomas More’s Utopia. But you knew that, right? You’re an educated, sophisticated man of the world, who knows that the capital of Gabon is Libreville, can calculate complex sums quickly and accurately and understands the main principles of the annealing process in glass manufacture. You just pretend to be an ignorant schoolboy who doesn’t even know that the capital of Australia is Sydney.*

Apparently, I have ‘kick-me testicles’. I never even knew that was a thing, but there you go.

Actually, I get quite a lot of normal healthy sex in my current relationship – maybe a bit rough, but really just your basic penetrative sex, fellatio… that kind of thing. Several of Her favourite boyfriends are bisexual, so I get a lot of action. I have to say, I prefer perversion, on balance.

And ‘cum-bucket’ isn’t even a word, so in a sense the question of spelling doesn’t even arise.

Her bedroom wall is covered with hunting trophies.

It is, right? I mean, better than nothing. You’re enjoying yourself, yeah? I’m afraid this is the last caption today, so you’d better finish now.. that’s right. Up and down, up and down. Tugtugtug? A bit more – there! Excellent. And… just get the last out, there… great. See you on Friday!

* Yes, I know. It’s a joke. If you don’t get it, maybe it’s my fault for being too obscure. Or if you’re a humiliation slut**, maybe it’s your fault for being such a moron, hmm? Too stupid to actually wank and think at the same time, are we? Gosh… a small cock and a tiny intellect – didn’t exactly win the first prize in life, did you? Try one of those blogs featured on Tiresome Tropes, instead, lamebrain, maybe it’s more your level.

** If you’re not a humiliation slut, I don’t recommend reading the rest of the comment above.

It gives me a sense of enormous well-being

Know what I mean? Warning: vanilla video after link that has nothing to do with femdom and is thoroughly safe for work. Do not click if that sort of thing offends you.

And they say sex offenders have nothing to contribute to society!

… and don’t even think about the matinee on Saturday…

It’s particularly cheap for fit young men, if they let her do it without any anaesthetic.

When I was a teenager I used to have this dread that girls would be turned off by my very small penis and would refuse to have sex with me. Silly really, now I look back on it. The very first girl I ever went out with explained that penis size is just irrelevant – for someone with a face as ugly as mine and such an tedious personality. So that was a relief.

It’s completely irrational to be scared of spiders. Spiders can’t really hurt you*. Girls, yes: they can hurt you**. Be scared of girls. But not spiders.

* Except in Australia
** Especially in Australia.

Drama. Queens.

Squeak!

I once asked my SO for a public humiliation session. So She made me start a blog in which I had to publish all my sick, dark and bleak fantasies from my miserable life. It’s going quite well.

You could try telling her that your ‘trophy’ is barely worth collecting.

They’re going to be discussing mens’ rights quite extensively, I understand.

Don’t worry – they’re not going to throw them all at your face. Pretty soon, they’ll move on to other parts of your body.

The strength of a woman

You know, I’ve forgotten what I was going to ask about now. Often happens. Oh well.

Remarkably, with that sniper rifle she can give herself an orgasm with an man who is anything up to a kilometre away.

Medical opinion is divided on the advisability of gagging castration patients during their operations. On the one hand, there are those who say it’s best to shut the bastards up; but on the other, there are surgeons who get off on the screaming. The debate continues, in the medical journals.