Author: Servitor

Lachrymatrices



The annoying thing is, I only bought the car last week. But I guess I can do without it.  It’s essential to prioritise, when making important financial decisions.
She doesn’t mean the bondage. He likes the bondage.  It’s the things she can do to him because he is in bondage that he won’t like.

There used to be a brand of condoms that fitted me just perfectly, but the manufacturer decided to stop producing that particular size.  Not enough demand for it, apparently.  Over 20% of men are that size or less, but they make up only 0.3% of all sexual encounters, so… I can’t really blame them.

And she’ll decide whether you really really need it, or not.
My wife’s very sexually demanding too, but I don’t have too much difficulty keeping her satisfied: the local male escort agencies all give us loyalty discounts now and if I book in advance as well, I can get up to a 25% off the list price. Which is – just about – affordable on my salary, if I’m careful to economise on everything else.


Ladies in red


Men’s libbers are actually firmly opposed to being spanked.  Most men are, actually.  But they always end up thankful for it.





I once paid a prostitute to have sex with me – booked with a credit card.  But when I opened the door to her, she looked me up and down, dug around in her purse, handed me the same amount in cash and walked off.  Which could actually be quite handy some time, if I’m ever somewhere with no ATMs.
Never try puppy play alongside an actual dog.  They’re better at it. Much the same goes for sex and real men.  Don’t even try – you’ll just look foolish.  And you wouldn’t want that.

 

Except that she’s started by using social media to advertise, so her first clients are precisely likely to be your friends.  And your close family members.

She’s sneaked a tub of lube into the bottom of your tuck box.  You know: to make the first few days a bit easier.  She’s kind like that.


They think it odd and Sodom and Gomorrah-ble

Isn’t it delectable?

My SO can be scatterbrained like that.  Just last week was supposed to be my annual orgasm and the silly thing forgot it completely!  How we laughed when she realised the next day why I’d been looking so anxious. She still smiles when she thinks about it…
Abusive behaviour can develop slowly – or can be quite quick, starting almost as soon as one hands over the bag containing the champagne and the envelope with the tribute money. 


Tried it.  What now?  Hmm?
The rules can be quite strict.  I tried to change my name to my wife’s and they wouldn’t allow it. Isn’t that ridiculous – in this day and age?  Apparently “Mywifes” is not an officially recognised christian name.

 

Well, I hope she’s prepared to let him stay for the whole session, even if he did underpay.

Good morning




Good morning, darling!  Happy honeymoon!  Aww… you’re down on your knees, how sweet!  Are you going to give me a lovely little kiss?




Good morning, darling?  Now where are my morning kisses, hmm?








Well, you’re not going to be able to greet me properly from all the way up here, are you darling?  Down you go.




Just on the top of the stocking today, I think darling.  I’m still cross with you.




Hmm? No… no particular reason. I just thought it would be nice to have my morning kiss at the back for a change.






Kiss!








   

Come on, hurry up.  You’ve got chores.
Well, I’m not going to get up just for your convenience, am I darling?  Just kiss the knee – no: the ankle.
Kiss!


So, anyway, Karen had a headache and went home early, so I had both of them to myself and – hmm?  Noise, what noise?  Oh: it’s nothing, just my husband saying good morning.  Anyway, they had me kneel on all fours and…






Hurry up, darling.  There’s something I need to discuss with you.








No, I’m fed up with you slobbering all over my shoes.  You can kiss the floor.






And kiss the cane, too, to show me how grateful you are.

Kiss, then tell me how many you think you deserve today.

Hmm? Oh – good morning. Actually, it’s not morning but I suppose you weren’t to know that.  Anyway, I just thought I’d let you know that I’ll be away for a few weeks, so I’ll fill the food hopper and put your shock collar on automatic.  Oh – and it’s our anniversary on Tuesday – that’s the day after tomorrow. Your shock collar will be going on and off on all day, to make sure you don’t sleep. You’ve so much to be grateful for, I thought you wouldn’t want to miss a second of it.     







Subination and dommission





Time to put those bra-fastening skills to work!  You trained for years for this – don’t mess it up.







My SO likes card tricks. There’s this one she does where I pick a card and I get the number of strokes of the strap equal to the number on the card.  Then she picks a card and I get the number of strokes of the cane shown on the card.  Then it’s my pick again, and so on. It’s not such a great trick, but she always finds it amusing.











I find the gentle touch of the electrodes somehow quite reassuring and comforting.  It’s like – I don’t have to worry about making my own decisions, you know?  Plus, every second they’re not making me scream in pain is a bonus, so they make you appreciate the moment.












Big break, Pansykins!  Do this right, you might be promoted to skivvy.









Ah… they’re going to play at being sailors.


Financial liabilities


Oh hi, Mr Travers. Do come in.  This is Emilie Haskins – one of my colleagues
who works in fixed-income products.
Thanks for dropping by. 
Look: I’ve been thinking about our last consultation.  I’d like to apologise for…maybe over-reacting to some of the little jokes you made.  As you said: you’re from
an older generation and I expect ‘in your day’ it was perfectly normal to
compliment a woman on her legs.  Not your fault if you’re a ‘leg man’ is it?  As you said.  And as you also so rightly said, it was partly my own fault for wearing quite such a short skirt. 
Just so as long as you remember that I’m your independent
financial advisor, not a ‘lovely bit of skirt’ as you so… amusingly
described me, I don’t see why we shouldn’t continue to have a business
relationship.
All right then, Mr Travers, if you want to put it that way!  As well as a lovely bit of skirt.  Goodness, the jokes never stop with you, do they?  Such fun.  Anyway: to be a bit more serious, we’ve identified a customised financial product that
we think is just right for you!  Haven’t we, Em?  
If you’d like to come and sit down – I’m afraid there’s only one chair, but Emilie here can perch on the desk.  As long as you don’t mind her looming over you like that?   No?  Didn’t think you would. Right then.

Now: this financial product.  It does
take some active management, so you’d need to come and see me and Emilie about
it… ooh at least once a month.  Or we could even visit you at home, if that’s easier for you?  Would
that be OK? Great.
Do you want to hear more about it…? I’ve got a 37 page brochure
here, just erm… excuse me Em, would you mind shifting your legs?  Yes: here it is.  So, you could take it away if you like and…?  No?  You OK with just going ahead and signing?
Mr Travers?  Goodness, you were miles away there!  I was saying: shall we just sign?  Great. 
Right: sign there. 
And there.  Sorry, I’ll make some space here on the desk next to Emily’s legs so you can sign.  Just there. No: there, Mr
Travers.  You won’t sign in the right
place unless you look at it, will you? That’s it.  This one’s for the bank: initial every page
and sign at the bottom. Super.  That’s
right, just leave the bit saying ‘Beneficiary’ blank: we’ll fill that in.   
And there’s another… oh, Emilie’s sitting on
it!  Mind out Em!  There we are – if you could just…?
Yes, I suppose you had better sign it while it’s
still warm! I warned you he was a joker, didn’t I, Em?  Goodness, Em… you look like you’re about to burst with laughter right now – but you have to keep that under control, OK?  Like we discussed.  Until the business is all settled.
Don’t mind her, Mr Travers. She’s just got a very lively sense of humour – just like you!    Anyway: you sign there, look: below where it says ‘Waiver’.  And again, under where it says: ‘Power of attorney’.  Brilliant. 
Great.  Well… I think
we’re done.  Unless you have any more
savings you haven’t told me about?  Right
then.  Well, I think you’re all set for
the financial future you most certainly deserve, Mr Travers. 
Oh – that’s Em bursting out in giggles again! You’ve certainly put her in a good mood, Mr Travers!   And I’ve enjoyed our chat too: it’ll be an absolute pleasure to take care of all your money.
We’ll call you in a few days, to
explain a thing or two, once all the funds have been transferred, OK?
Bye now! 

Kept men

(we don’t talk about the discarded ones).



Another 2% fantasise desperately about it not happening, or at least not so often and not quite so hard.
Featuring the lovely and no-nonsense Miss Cassie Hunter, the Hunteress.
Right.  It’s about time all this nonsense stopped – I’m going to put my foot down. In fact, I’m going to stamp my foot – hard.  Several times.  And I’m going to to have a proper tantrum.  That should show her she can’t treat me like this.
Their faces usually fall again when she goes on to inform them that she will therefore proceed to the next thrashing, for the next item on her list.
I once asked my SO if she could feminise me, but she just laughed and said she’d love to, but I don’t have the IQ to make a convincing woman.
She cares a lot.



By the way, not ‘found femdom’ in any meaningful way, but over the break I’ve been watching episodes of 90s British sitcom Game On and perving ever so slightly to the lovely Samantha Janus and especially her relationship with the character Martin.  I watched it occasionally at the time it was broadcast and it’s as weird and spectacularly depressing as ever, as the basic set-up is that Matt – a neurotic, agoraphobic narcissist – rents out rooms in his flat to Martin (a wimp) and Mandy (a goddess!).  Martin is a virgin desperate for sex, while Mandy is frustrated with her life and hates herself for sleeping with so many men.  But (da-dum), the only men she absolutely will not have sex with are the other two characters.  With Matt, she refuses and pushes him away but with Martin it obviously never even occurs to her to have sex with him. There’s a lovely scene in this episode (intended to be the first ever, although they varied the order of broadcast), in which her latest boxer boyfriend takes up her whole bed, so she snuggles up with Martin, who lies there with an erection the whole desperate night.  Here, starting 16.22.  Ahhh…

So, yeah, not in any way femdom.  Except that Samantha Janus is quite literally a goddess and I for one intend to found a religion in her honour.

She is notionally Samantha Womack these days, but I’ll be hunting down Mr so-called Womack and forcing the blasphemer to change his name to Janus, as is only right and proper, so don’t worry about that.

New year, same old nonsense

Just, more of it than usual.

It’s not that special.  Chocolate log with a couple of profiteroles, basically.  I could do that. I don’t see why they need such a big carving knife for it, either.




There are few surer ways to keep the romance of marriage alive than doing your wife’s boyfriend’s laundry, and picking things up around his apartment.
And they say there are no jobs for men in the modern workplace!  There will always be shoes, I say and I don’t think we’re going to be seeing them cleaned over the Internet any time soon!
Probably.  Or some other reason.  Does it matter?

Don’t worry – they have a solar charger, so it’s very environmentally sound.  Anyway, no one could seriously consider it a ‘waste’ of electricity to shock a man’s testicles, could they?  It’s what electricity was invented for.



Mmm…. Sounds like there’s a heavy session in store!  And without even having to pay!  Well… not pay directly, anyway.
You can claim compensation from the airline, I expect.  Then get another one.  A nuisance but hardly the end of the world.  Except for him, obviously.

I’m hoping to develop a bead-sorting fetish.  Hasn’t happened yet, but there are many, many long nights ahead of me so there’s plenty of time.
I wish my wife would let me have a weekly allowance… imagine, money of my own to spend on whatever I want!  But she says I’m not ready for that kind of responsibility and she’s probably right.
Or maybe next year.

The delightful Mistress Eleise, the best view ever to appear through a periscope, here to round off this bumper holiday bonanza of… you can supply your own word beginning with b. 

And… just to finish off, a little found femdom starring the fabulous Emily Ratajkowski.
I recommend Mr Pinniped’s channel more generally, actually.

I hope all the female readers (OK, both the female readers) of this blog have a lovely 2019 and the rest of you have the miserable, soul-destroying time you so richly deserve and secretly crave.