self-help – Contemplating the divine

Lap dogs to a slip of a girl

It’s funny: in a few weeks he’ll probably be complaining it’s too hot, staked out there on a lovely summer day with the honey and sweat running off his skin and the ants tickling his face.

I tried a self-help book once. Apparently my feelings of inadequacy aren’t real. Oh right – so what have I been paying all that tribute for, over the years, then? Silly book.

Good thing she decided not to wash her hair, as she hates saying no to people.

A survey of the male employees found 82% of them consider the new dress code unbearably humiliating. Management are working hard to think of something they can do to respond: 18% of males not feeling constantly mortified is simply unacceptable in a truly inclusive workplace.

Just don’t leave your used jodhpurs lying around.

When a boy loves a woman

He’d give up all his comforts and sleep out in the rain, if she said that’s the way it ought to be.

Free healthcare?

Perhaps you could charm her into giving you a free drink.

Any man complaining about how frustrated he feels in chastity is just missing the point. Still: the wives are involved now, so things should get back on track.

Music has charms. So does she.

No rush. He can stay like that for a long time. Let’s talk through those options.

Slap me on the patio

I’ll take it now.

There must be lots of things you can do to take your mind off sex. Do some laundry maybe… or watch TV. The women’s tennis final is on, I understand. That should be exciting. Or beach volleyball. Anyway, it’s only for a few weeks, right?

My SO can be quite hard to please. I found it a bit dispiriting at first but then I learned about this technique for lowering the expectations you set yourself? So now I just aim for ‘Not totally furious with me’ and I hit that at least two days out of three, so that’s pretty good.

Unlike some human women, though, they won’t insist on going again while you’re still completely drained from the last time.

I took a personality test once. Apparently I don’t have one.

Don’t worry, she’s obviously not going to drain you to an empty husk all in one go. Look at that figure – she probably limits herself to a couple of pints of blood a day. You might even last a week.

Multidisciplinary

Men and their gadgets. You can give him just as unpleasant a night with some good old-fashioned rope, a cold dripping shower and some nipple clamps. Why does everything have to be so hi tech?

Regular readers will have gathered by now that this is a very, very hard limit for me. I’m careful never to tell my SO, though, so it’s just a secret between you, dear Internet, and me.

Sounds like their sex life is about to improve. Well, hers is. His doesn’t sound like it’s worth keeping, really.

That is a lot simpler. Like her approach to marital arguments: also very simple indeed.

I am actually very sensitive to gender issues in the workplace. Painfully sensitive, even. When women are treated disrespectfully I feel physically bruised: sometimes immediately, sometimes a while later.

The ecstacy and the agony

And then level 8 again. And quite a lot more. It stops being surprising after a while, but she still has fun.

Which, in a sense, it is.

No pressure.

They don’t have many repeat clients, I understand.

“I’m OK, you’re a piece of shit?” “Men are from Mars, women are to be obeyed in all things?”

Some of them want to abuse you

…and the rest don’t really, but they’ll probably have a go if there’s nothing else to do.

Anyway, you need to go to bed early so you can get up in time to do all your chores, right?

If you survive the mixing process, you’ll be encased in concrete forever. What’s not to like?

Just routine. Nothing to worry about.

Actually, I had a similar experience a year or so ago. My doctor put me on a course of pain-killers, just before I was due to visit my Significant Other. A bit pointless, really.

It’s partly that he doesn’t see new people very often, of course.

The four stages

It is a well known fact that the development of any skill passes through four stages. Let me illustrate:

1. Unconscious incompetence

The individual does not understand or know how to do something and does not necessarily recognize the deficit.

They may deny the usefulness of the skill.

The individual must recognise their own incompetence, and the value of the new skill, before moving on to the next stage.

The length of time an individual spends in this stage depends on the strength of the stimulus to learn.

2. Conscious incompetence

Though the individual does not understand or know how to do something, he or she does recognize the deficit…

…as well as the value of a new skill in addressing the deficit

The making of mistakes can be integral to the learning process at this stage.

… and then apparently there’s another two stages, but I have never got beyond conscious incompetence. I’m really good at that, as regular readers of the blog will know.

Coming out

A lot of people live secret lives, hiding their true selves away, fearful of mocking and misunderstandings. I’ve certainly done that for decades – decades too long, I would say. Well, I’ve made a momentous decision for the new year. I’m going to speak in public about what I truly feel in private. I’m going to – not ‘admit’ because that implies wrongdoing – but celebrate my sexuality. I’m going to share this first with you – the loyal readers of this blog.

Out loud and out proud.

Here we go…

(deep breath)

I, Servitor, have a sexual fetish. I get sexually aroused by thoughts of sexually dominant women, controlling, punishing and humiliating me. I am, in short, a sexual ‘submissive’.

There. That feels so much better! No doubt I’ll lose many readers of this blog, shocked at the nature of these revelations – but it’s their loss and not mine. I’d like to thank those readers broadminded enough to keep on reading. You know my secret now – and that’s a sacred trust. I know I can rely on you, even though I have not the slightest idea who any of you are.

Actually, I thought for a moment they were the punishment gloves. Or the other punishment gloves.

It does seem rather odd that I (for example) am not allowed on the furniture but I do still get to choose the Government.

Puppy play! In my youth I liked puppy play. Sadly, now it’s ‘tired old dog being dragged around slowly on aching knees under threat of a whipping’ play.

Oh. I think I have a lot of bad habits that I might need some help with, you know.

You know, there’s really nothing like a chastity belt for putting ladies at their ease with you. It takes away all that nonsense about being male, or a potential sexual partner, and allows you to just be yourself.

Another 7 secrets of a happy marriage

How many secrets can there be, I wonder? And how secret are they if they’ve been published on the Internet?

Oh well. Anyway, here is another extract from my forthcoming self-help book Eat that worm! 21 great ways to do exactly as you’re told.

1. Put those arguments to good use.

Don’t kid yourself that you won’t have arguments – there’s never been a marriage without them. But when you do, use them to build a stronger marriage. All arguments get resolved eventually – and a wise couple will find a way of using that resolution to sort out a whole lot of things in their relationship.

2. Little kindnesses will be appreciated.

Take opportunities to show your partner you’re thinking of them. If you think he might be thirsty, how about bringing him a drink of water, for example?

3. Help motivate your partner.

If your partner’s trying to do something difficult – like sticking to an exercise programme or a diet – how about helping out? Remember, you’re not just individuals any more, you’re a team too, and it’s amazing what you can achieve together.

4. Let your partner think things through.

If you’ve had a disagreement, don’t always try to sort it out straight away. Give your partner some time to think about it alone – it might be just what he needs to see things from your point of view!

5. Let your partner experiment.

If your partner wants to try something new, don’t argue about it or get worried. Just go with the flow and see how it turns out. What’s the worst that can happen?

6. Learn what works.

The next time your partner does something you really like, try to think whether there was anything you’d done just before that might have helped motivation. Once you’ve found out what it is that makes your partner behave the way you want, you can start using it frequently.

7. Enjoy the journey.

It can be hard work making a marriage work. But try to have fun as you do it. The next time you’re about to put something right that’s gone wrong, just stop and think about what you’re doing. You’re building a relationship that lasts. So – how about smiling as you do it?

7 secrets of a happy marriage

An exclusive preview extract from Servitor’s forthcoming self-help book. It’s a work in progress. At this time, I haven’t decided on the title yet. Possibly The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective People. But I’m also considering something more whacky like Who moved my slave? or Women are from Heaven, men are from the pet shop.

Here are the main points of the chapter on marriage, anyway. Just seven rules (why’s it always seven?).

1. Listen.

Listen, listen, listen. Is it really so hard?

2. Don’t let resentments build up.

If your partner has done something wrong, let them know and discuss it straight away.

3. Respect your partner’s old friendships.

Marriage shouldn’t mean losing those other important relationships

4. Set aside some time every week just to talk.

Make sure it’s a time when neither of you are rushed, when you can just take as long as you need for your relationship.

5. Find some common interests.

Maybe an activity in which you can both take part, preferably outside the house.

6. Don’t be afraid to insist on being apart at times

It’s OK to close the door and have some space for yourself for a change.

7. Every day, do one thing to show your partner what you think of them.

Sure, talking’s important but sometimes your actions will show how much respect and love you have more eloquently than any words.

…and….because marriage isn’t all about rules (though my favoured type of marriage is mostly about rules), here’s an extra one:

8. Make sure you are confident of your partner’s fidelity.

Nothing destroys a marriage quicker than suspicion. Your partner loves you – so find ways to let him show you he is true.