Slap me on the patio

I’ll take it now.  


There must be lots of things you can do to take your mind off sex.  Do some laundry maybe… or watch TV.  The women’s tennis final is on, I understand.  That should be exciting.  Or beach volleyball.  Anyway, it’s only for a few weeks, right?









My SO can be quite hard to please.  I found it a bit dispiriting at first but then I learned about this technique for lowering the expectations you set yourself?  So now I just aim for ‘Not totally furious with me’ and I hit that at least two days out of three, so that’s pretty good.

Unlike some human women, though, they won’t insist on going again while you’re still completely drained from the last time.


I took a personality test once.  Apparently I don’t have one.

Don’t worry, she’s obviously not going to drain you to an empty husk all in one go. Look at that figure – she probably limits herself to a couple of pints of blood a day.  You might even last a week.






0 thoughts on “Slap me on the patio”

  1. Be honest with me, you're imagining Jessica Alba kicking you in those heels, right?

  2. Absolutely love your latest "UFO" caption. God help me, but I think I would willingly condemn myself to 200 years of agony as an alien larval gestation host just for the brief experience of sliding my incubator stalk into the procreation pouch of one of the purple-haired sirens. Thank you, as ever, for all of your inventive, entertaining and stimulating captions. Tom.

  3. Yes, quite right of course, Ma'am, that's just always true… most days anyway. Doesn't everyone?

    Many thanks for stopping by to comment. I hope you use your superpowers for evil in a good way.

    S

  4. Goddess help you indeed. The procreation pouches secrete acid – did I mention that? But it's OK, because if the male involuntarily reacts by attempting to withdraw, there are these little claws that dig in to hold him in place as long as it takes for the larva to take an interest and wriggle inside the welcoming warn flesh. Sometimes it takes the little darlings hours.

    It's quite beautiful really. Sweet mystery of life.

    Anyway, I'll fire up the backyard radio telescope and let the cosmos know you're up for it, Tom. You never know – you might get lucky!

  5. Well, many would consider me evil for thinking men are below saving ­čśë

    If you need some… inspiration, feel free to shoot me an email.

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