heart-stopping beauty – Page 13 – Contemplating the divine

The terrible twos

This blog is two years old today!

Pretty exciting huh?

In fact, the blog got a little over-excited – as two year-olds will – wet itself, got a good spanking and then had to be sent to bed early. But still, quite an achievement, I think you’ll agree.

280 posts, about 1.5 million pageviews and still a completely pointless and frivolous waste of time! Perhaps we should all just get on with our chores instead, hmmm? Do something useful around here for a change.

Or not. Happy blogday, me.

I wish she’d make her mind up

You know, for years now my Significant Other has been telling me (and all of her friends, and my co-workers, and people who work in the shops locally and so on) that my cock’s too small.

But do you know what? Just the other day, she told me she’s decided it’s too big, and she’s arranged for something to be done about it!

Well, I had to laugh. Women, eh?

Femdom air stewardess gloves and an attitude

Nothing to worry about – the flight’s delayed by three hours, so there’s plenty of time.

Married life… it’s going to take some getting used to. Might as well start now.

Looks like she’s decided to work to save the marriage. That’s a relief.

Hmm. Another lady who seems to have made a big decision. Looks like important relationship milestones are a theme of today’s blog.

Worcester is pronounced “wooster”, in case you were wondering. And this is the most beautiful woman alive. Anything else I can help you with?

Hit me with your rhythm stick

Hit me slowly, hit me quick! Nothing to do with female domination, but still great.

The following items may have more to do with female domination.

Actually, many women find the sight of heavy whip marks on a man’s thighs rather exciting.

Very thoughtful.

That’s a relief. Because there are so many of hers you have to remember now, after all.

Fortunately, boys are out of season at the moment. At least, I think they are. Hang on, let’s check.

I find it’s easiest to carry one anyway, just in case it’s wanted.

What’s my fetish?

I have a wide range of sexual interests, as regular readers of this blog will know only too well. But like many bloggers in the femdom community, I am obsessed with precise definitions of terms, so I spend ages worrying about whether what I like is “really” a fetish, and discussing that obsessively in lengthy blog posts.

So – I found an online dictionary that said that something is a fetish for you, if you cannot become aroused, or achieve sexual release without it.

And that’s all I needed. I have a “Doing all my chores to her satisfaction, and not being too irritating” fetish. There’s probably a latin name for it.

Well I can’t tell you what it means. I’m not even allowed to think – let alone write – that word in English. Here, for goodness sake.

Don’t worry, you’ll find quite quickly that the pain in your knees will make you forget all about the taste in your mouth.

How embarrassing for her. I wonder what she’ll do?

It’s great when someone really enjoys their work.

Yes. Yes, that would be perfect.

…aaaand you think I’m sexy…

It seems that Google has changed its image search alogorithm, so it doesn’t show pornographic pictures in response to most searches. Unless there’s a clear request for porn.

But “Contemplating the Divine” brings up lots of my captions…

…which can only mean Google doesn’t think my blog’s sexy!

Waaaah!

(Hurt sniffle)

I shall carry on, regardless. As my SO likes to say, it’s a good thing I’m so stupid or I’d realise how unattractive I am.

Ms Haberman. Lexx. Try it if you haven’t.

It’s taken them almost four hours to get from her house in town. Hope he’s enjoying it.

Actually, the divorce was rather acrimonious. But I’m sure she won’t want to bring up all those old rows now. Not all at once.

Well, yes, I suppose she could shift it to another day, or quickly pull you off before you go out. But it’s just such a fuss, don’t you think? Easier all round just to leave it this month. I’m sure you won’t miss it – Marie’s a super cook!

It’s good when people can find personal satisfaction in their professional lives. In my job, for example, I’m completely useless and I’m always getting shouted at by people, some of whom are women. Makes it all worthwhile.

New Year resolutions

To mark the passing of the old year, and the beginning of the new, I decided to ask all of the ladies who regularly appear on Contemplating the Divine to share their New Year resolutions with our ‘readers’.

Most of them just told me to fuck off and die, of course, but here are the contributions from those who did not. Oh – and believe me, when these ladies resolve to do something, it does get done.

Apparently I’m going to have some New Year resolutions too, but She hasn’t told me what they are yet. Quite exciting!

,,,and last but always first in my heart…

In the bleak midwinter

It’s Christmas! Get on with your chores!

The divine Ms Haberman. Could you possibly want anything else for Christmas? Could you? Oh. Well, you can’t.

Not that “we” get much say in the matter.

OK, rather a bleak caption for Christmas I suppose… but remember – it’s Christmas for him, too. He just doesn’t know it.

You’ll have to apologise to your wife when you next see her, for suspecting her of such an evil plan. Maybe in sign language.

I have no idea who that is, but I hate him with a burning passionate envy that I can barely express. Ahem.

The Rights of Man

They’re somewhat limited, around here, you’ll find. But we like it that way.

Well, you’ll find anyway, as they’re due round for a drink later.

Hmmm. Looks to me like one person’s doing all the work in this relationship.

And she’s got plenty of time to think of some too – she’s not due back until Tuesday.

Should never have lent her that copy of 50 Shades…

Maybe she can share her literary passions with him when they’re married.

I will feel a glow just thinking of you…

…and the way it felt, last night. Thank you, Ma’am.

You might want to refer back to my series: Seven secrets of a happy marriage. Urgently.

Men, eh? Only interested in one thing, and – excuse me? Down here? There’s a caption too, and I.. Hello? Oh never mind, I know when there’s something more interesting to look at.

I’m not one of those men who won’t cry in front of women. Just the opposite, actually.

Woah! Might be time for a safeword, there.

If you have any comments on this captioned image, I’ll be in the homeless refuge round the corner, OK?

You can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

It’s silly to worry about whether you’ll stretch enough. Look – that thing’s made of solid plastic, and it’ll have all her strength behind it. Something’s going to give, so just relax.

Sometimes it’s good to go out with your co-workers for a real heart-to-heart. And sometimes it isn’t.

Don’t worry – she’ll explain why at great length.

Schoolboy sessions! My favourite. We’re going to be covering irregular verbs of the fourth declension over the next seven sessions, apparently. Pretty exciting, huh?

Or if you stray outside the permitted boundaries, of course.