beatings – Page 3 – Contemplating the divine

Ladies First

It is. We so easily lose sight of what’s really important in this world.

Ah… the Police. They never do anything, do they? You know, a few weeks ago I filed a detailed report about how I had been kidnapped by five young blonde lesbians and they put a collar and chain on me, then dressed me in a frilly maid’s dress and made me lick their boots clean, while they kissed and cuddled each other wearing various latex and leather outfits – and do you know what? The Police said they thought I’d made it all up!

No rush. You’re not going anywhere.

Many men who’ve been on the course say it was a life-changing, eye-opening experience. They’re all very, very grateful.

Not too much, mind. Don’t want to make it too easy.

And make her some great Princess, six feet high!

Grand, epic, homicidal.

Armpit Fetishist Monthly is just another example of the decline of traditional media, another fine publication swept away by the Internet. I recall their cookery page with particular affection.

…and by the way, I have posted this before even with the same comment, but… Oh. My. Goddess. I have to see this movie!

My office established a system of disciplinary procedures for inappropriate sexual activity. Which to my mind is just having your cake and eating it too… or would be, were I allowed cake.

I’m thinking of paella – perhaps a nice Rioja to go with it? And maybe Roger might like to try bastinado, in keeping with the Spanish theme.

With luck, she’ll take up chewing gum obsessively.

Love hurts and so does she.

By the way, this lady is going to feature here rather a lot from now on. Unless she takes out an injunction or something (don’t you hate it when women do that?). Nata!

You make a grown man cry

Don’t worry: Janine would never let you be eaten by some cat on the street. She has her own cat whom she loves dearly.

You can buy her gifts too. Lots of them, to make sure there are at least a few she’ll like.

This is the wonderful, clever and creative Lady Sophia Black, who has occasionally had the bad luck to encounter Servitor in person, but managed to come out smiling an evil smile the other side. She is – needless to say – not at all like the personality depicted in the caption.

It’s going to be kind of like the Revenant but without clothes. Or the bear. And shorter.

I read a men’s lib magazine once when I was a teeanger – it was being passed around the boys at school, you know. I didn’t understand much of it, but it suggested that readers try to discuss some of the ideas in it with the women in their lives, so I asked one of my sisters and she explained it to me at length.

That’s the trouble with marriage problems – one day you think everything’s fine, that you’re in love and nothing can ever disturb that: then before you know it you’re hanging naked on a meat hook about to be castrated. You woinder where it went wrong, you know? The important thing to remember is that it’s all your fault.

My company was charming

Well, what am I supposed to do with the other 38 seconds, then?

Thank goodness she’s looking out for me.

Don’t try to argue or plead your way out of it – it’s one of those Mars/Venus things, you know? She’s got some emotional issues that need to be worked out and until Gerald arrives, you’re the only one she can turn to.

In the femdom community, athlete’s foot is considered an STD.

You’ll notice she hasn’t put the surfboard on the fire yet. Another Mars/Venus moment, yeah? Any ideas why ? Hmm? No? Sigh…because she’s waiting to see if you’ll do it yourself without being specifically asked, you unfeeling brute. Obviously, this relationship is going to need a lot of work.

Confidently supreme

She doesn’t like ‘torturess’ either. It’s sexist. Like a woman can’t torture people just as well as a man, you know? Better, even. So don’t call her that. Call her… oh I don’t know. Something respectful, I’d suggest. Very respectful.

‘You’re a taxi!’ It’s an old joke, but I like to make my date laugh. Often, the evening together ends with her leaving my apartment almost hysterical with laughter. In fact, I bumped into an old flame the other day and she started giggling as soon as she saw me.

No problem. That’s what Kenny is here for. He pays handsomely for the privilege, after all.

I wouldn’t mind, but I read that book before, counting ‘the’ for another Mistress.

This is the wonderful Lady Sophia Black, who is if anything even more wonderful in person than Her online persona (which is very, very wonderful indeed).

Hmmm. She seems to have mostly disapppeared from the Internet. Now that is a loss.

Choking on someone else’s vomit? Unpleasant but, well, you know, Her kink is not your kink. Or anyone’s.

Mistress Cassie Hunter, the Hunteress, who seems not to have retired after all. So that’s a bit better.

The whole principle of arguing with women is intrinsically wrong

I’m not claiming the link is really on topic but (a) I like Simon Pegg (b) I like Sally Phillips too – rather a lot (c) she does say that and she topples him too… After that, it’s less interesting.

Meanwhile, more of this:

She’s right. You can have a lot more sex in a chastity belt than without one, oddly enough, especially if you’re taken to the right clubs.

Of course Suzie won’t mind at all, but it’s kind of her to ask. Consent – it’s the foundation of BDSM.

I must say, I find all these lovers’ pet names a bit embarassing, don’t you? Goodness, if I were Brad I’d be cringing with humiliation right now.

I mean, obviously, the two of you can always use a gag when you play, but I’ve always thought that really spoils the sensation for the woman. A muffled ‘mmmpph’ can be cute enough, but sometimes what she really needs is a good, sustained session of agonised, terrified screaming. Yum.

Actually, he is still experiencing a paid-for abduction fantasy. Only difference being: it’s hers.

Six of the best

A good caning never hurt anyone, right?

Oh, hang on…

I think I’m pretty strongly oriented towards serving Mistress Eleise already.

What to do… what to do.

Ermm… oh, you know. Nothing really. Just one of those things. Forget I said anything. Please?

You should stand up for your rights. When you’ve finished bending over for the cane, obviously.

I hope she doesn’t mind frantic tugging at the bonds, and pitiful pleading, mixed in with the screaming.

She’ll probably be able to empathise more with your pain, now. Probably

Fun, fun, fun. In the sun, sun, sun.

After last Friday’s shivery Saturnalia, here are some sunny-themed captions to warm the hearts and bottoms of any males spending the long dark winter nights in an unheated kennel.

He could protest. After all, you need to be careful not to spend too much time in the sun, if you have sensitive skin. On the other hand, you really don’t want to piss these two girls off if you have sensitive skin, either, come to think of it.

Go on. What have you got to lose?

How about that? She noticed you!

If it stings him on the penis, it could swell up to three times its normal size. So, hey – six inches at last! There’s that to look forward to.

That’s actually not the worst of it. Just a few months ago, he congratulated the coffee boy at work for being the only person he knew who could make coffee the way he liked it, the way his wife did. Plus, he’s about to be drowned, of course. So it’s a bad day all round, really.

Not actually summer, but they are about to get nice and warm. Twice a day, on a regular cycle.

Sexual repression

I have my testosterone levels checked twice a year. They’ve never found any yet, but you can’t be too careful about these things.

I’m delighted to say my SO reaches orgasm every time she has sex. I can usually hear it even from my cage down in the cellar.

Who said she was pissed off? A bit disrespectful, if you ask me. I reckon Dave should report him for that.

Don’t worry, it won’t kill you. Not at only two a day.

I’m tempted to say somethng about ‘hanging around’ but I don’t want to beaten up by irate readers… oh hang on, yes I do.

Simple instructions

Of course, if you’re fetish happens to be ‘working all the hours there are in a mindnumbingly dull office job to earn money for her to spend on male prostitutes’ then you’ve really hit the jackpot here.

There are painful side effects if you take less than the recommended dose, by the way.

There were actually supposed to be a lot more men there, but Clara messed up the email invitation. If you think you’re uncomfortable, just imagine how she‘s feeling right now!

Oh. OK, then.

Hmm. I wonder what she’s planning to keep in there, then, if not you?