May 2019 – Contemplating the divine

Sexual veneration

I have quite a few tattoos – my SO says it gives her a feeling of ownership. Mostly shopping lists or phone numbers.

Still, she’s wearing a proper medical outfit, so you know you’re safe in professional hands.

Poor Andy. Bet he felt humiliated!

I’m quite good at scrabble. I’m rubbish at blow jobs, though… everyone says so.

Looks like someone has forgotten the virtues of kindness! Honestly, saying such hurtful about Felicity; it’s hardly in the spirit of charity and forgiveness that the Order prescribes, is it?

The angel at my side…

…. she gives me good advice.

Actually, the idea that men can’t multi-task is a complete myth. Men who think they can’t just need to meet a woman with the right attitude. It’s just laziness.

Don’t worry… they don’t tug hard. She does, but that’ll be the scrotal clip, not the nipple… so not so bad.

Life as a conversation piece.

Oh well. It’s better than coming back down to ‘discuss’ it while they’re still here. I hate that.

Decisions, decisions. Thank goodness I never have to make any.

You make a grown man cry

Don’t worry: Janine would never let you be eaten by some cat on the street. She has her own cat whom she loves dearly.

You can buy her gifts too. Lots of them, to make sure there are at least a few she’ll like.

This is the wonderful, clever and creative Lady Sophia Black, who has occasionally had the bad luck to encounter Servitor in person, but managed to come out smiling an evil smile the other side. She is – needless to say – not at all like the personality depicted in the caption.

It’s going to be kind of like the Revenant but without clothes. Or the bear. And shorter.

I read a men’s lib magazine once when I was a teeanger – it was being passed around the boys at school, you know. I didn’t understand much of it, but it suggested that readers try to discuss some of the ideas in it with the women in their lives, so I asked one of my sisters and she explained it to me at length.

That’s the trouble with marriage problems – one day you think everything’s fine, that you’re in love and nothing can ever disturb that: then before you know it you’re hanging naked on a meat hook about to be castrated. You woinder where it went wrong, you know? The important thing to remember is that it’s all your fault.

Seductive logic

I understand they have some extra toppings to add, too.

Seems only fair. He was up half the night, poor chap.

Knew I should have gone with the gift card.

I went to see the St Trinians movie as soon as it came out, but I was a bit disappointed that I was the only one who’d bothered to dress up for it.

Thanks for coming.

Marriage service

The marriage is still going to be based on respect – a lot of respect. It’s just not going to be mutual.

It’s actually quite enlightening, being lent out to former, vanilla, girlfriends. There’s all sorts of things you discover you did, or said, during the relationship that you’ve long since forgotten but they’re eager to discuss.

Of course, she can’t expect perfection, and she doesn’t. She just requires it, that’s all.

The other lady has the rings ready – and he’s already been pierced, so they can just be welded on.

I was still being spanked by my mother at home when I met my first girlfriend, actually. She was one of my sister’s friends who’d come round to do some homework, and she came downstairs to find out what all the noise was about.

Penalty and repentance

They are – and not just the food. The sex will be longer, more satisfying and 100% female, too.

You get a special decoration too. Not a medal. Just… decoration.

Sometimes a question isn’t really a question.

It’s always difficult arriving as a substitute teacher, in the middle of the school year. But just do your best. Maybe Mr Harris will turn up again – he must be somewhere, after all.

Perpetuity is quite a long time. It might feel even longer.

I’m just wild about Harry

No, not Archie’s dad. Her. I always have been. Rapture!

But no captioned images of the divine Mistress Deborah, I am afraid, as the available ones tend to be fuzzy vid-caps. Just the usual sort of thing, you know.

But only if you want to, obviously.

The anaestheologist is very skilled in pain management, so there’s no need to worry.

And don’t imagine there’ll be any ankles nakedly on display or anything lewd of that nature!

She’s got some suitable things for you to wear too.

They’re also going to have a little practice the day before, to make sure everything goes smoothly on the big day. Just on a bit of you that no one will notice.

Libidon’t

Actually, I often find myself lying awake at night thinking about some tiny little thing or other.

Sounds ideal. If you’re wondering how occasional the kinky sex is planned to be, the answer is that it depends very much on the other stuff.

How does she know I’m creepy? I haven’t even said anything creepy yet.

My SO’s boyfriend is quite broadminded and doesn’t object to her having a submissive as such – apparently it’s just me he can’t stand.

Yes. Much better not to know.

…and as a special extra treat, and at the possible cost of infecting my computer with every virus from here to Sunday, as I looked for video-editing software, here is an animated GIF…

Woooo!

Well, I’m impressed. I mean by the way I was able to add the captions. I don’t mean by her. She is – obviously – truly… deeply impressive.

The truth hurts

…but I have found that lying hurts even more.

I suppose it can’t hurt to try.

Don’t worry – it’s not the end of the discussion. There’ll be plenty of time for more apologies.

Actually, I had a bad experience just like this one. I thought I’d met the dominant woman of my dreams, but actually all she wanted was unpaid labour in her garden and it never really developed beyond that to a proper FLR, so after seventeen years I gave up on it. She still calls occasionally… and of course I don’t mind popping round for a few hours or days when she does, but I think we both realise the spark was never there.

They originally had proper school lessons but there’s not really much point teaching anything to boys who are only going to leave the school in a hearse, so most schoolwork consists of writing lines.

Not a problem I’ve ever had, I’ll admit.

A very little bit o’politics

No, don’t get your hopes up, it’s not a post of President Hathaway captions. I know you like them, but I don’t have any right now, OK?

In fact, it’s not a proper post at all, but there’ll be one on Friday, same as usual so don’t worry about that.

No, it’s just a political observation. You probably know that Gavin Williamson, MP, was sacked from the British cabinet early this week for leaking confidential Cabinet minutes about the involvement of Huawei in building the UK 5G mobile network, right?

Right?

Course you do. You’re a knowledgeable man of the world, keen to keep up with the cut and thrust of contemporary events – not just a porn seeker sitting there with his trousers around his ankles, right?

Yeah, thought so.

ANY-way, if you know that, do you also know that his replacement as Minister of Defence is Penny Mordaunt? Penny Mordaunt MP. Heard of her?

Here she is.

This lady is now in charge of aircraft carriers, tank brigades and the Trident strategic nuclear missile system, along with various other implements of violence that readers of this blog might like to imagine her wielding.

OK: so far, so Tory Lady. But did you also know that Ms Mordaunt is a Navy reservist and is in fact named after the Leander-class Frigate HMS Penelope? No, really, she is. Which in a peculiar twist of fate has now been sold to the Argentinean navy, so maybe Madame Mordaunt will get a chance to sink it some day.

Here she is again.

Hmm. I must say, feeling sexual attraction toward Tory cabinet ministers is a novel experience for me, but I can tell you there is certainly some kind of patriotic pride swelling up in me, right now.

Because… because, right, even if you knew all of the above then it’s quite likely you still didn’t know that Mistress Mordaunt once made a speech about chicken welfare in the British Parliament, which turned out to be her paying off a dare or penalty or something set her by other Navy officers, in which she had to mention each of their names and also get the word ‘cock’ into her House of Commons speech as many times as possible.

Labour MP Kate Hoey accused her of trivialising Parliament. I, on the other hand, fell madly, deeply and apolitically in love at once. So Labour MP Kate Hoey will not be featuring on this blog, no doubt much to her disappointment, but here is yet another picture of our new Minister for Defence against the ~~Dark Arts~~ Russians (sorry Alex), Mistress Penelope. This is from earlier today. She’s off to take power…

Phew.

Oh, and as you’ve done me the courtesy of reading this far, here is a caption that I did years ago and have posted before… but I was reminded of it and I’ve always liked it.

Anyway, that’s it. Proper post tomorrow. Off you go, now.