heart-stopping beauty – Page 12 – Contemplating the divine

…aaaand you think I’m sexy…

It seems that Google has changed its image search alogorithm, so it doesn’t show pornographic pictures in response to most searches. Unless there’s a clear request for porn.

But “Contemplating the Divine” brings up lots of my captions…

…which can only mean Google doesn’t think my blog’s sexy!

Waaaah!

(Hurt sniffle)

I shall carry on, regardless. As my SO likes to say, it’s a good thing I’m so stupid or I’d realise how unattractive I am.

Ms Haberman. Lexx. Try it if you haven’t.

It’s taken them almost four hours to get from her house in town. Hope he’s enjoying it.

Actually, the divorce was rather acrimonious. But I’m sure she won’t want to bring up all those old rows now. Not all at once.

Well, yes, I suppose she could shift it to another day, or quickly pull you off before you go out. But it’s just such a fuss, don’t you think? Easier all round just to leave it this month. I’m sure you won’t miss it – Marie’s a super cook!

It’s good when people can find personal satisfaction in their professional lives. In my job, for example, I’m completely useless and I’m always getting shouted at by people, some of whom are women. Makes it all worthwhile.

New Year resolutions

To mark the passing of the old year, and the beginning of the new, I decided to ask all of the ladies who regularly appear on Contemplating the Divine to share their New Year resolutions with our ‘readers’.

Most of them just told me to fuck off and die, of course, but here are the contributions from those who did not. Oh – and believe me, when these ladies resolve to do something, it does get done.

Apparently I’m going to have some New Year resolutions too, but She hasn’t told me what they are yet. Quite exciting!

,,,and last but always first in my heart…

In the bleak midwinter

It’s Christmas! Get on with your chores!

The divine Ms Haberman. Could you possibly want anything else for Christmas? Could you? Oh. Well, you can’t.

Not that “we” get much say in the matter.

OK, rather a bleak caption for Christmas I suppose… but remember – it’s Christmas for him, too. He just doesn’t know it.

You’ll have to apologise to your wife when you next see her, for suspecting her of such an evil plan. Maybe in sign language.

I have no idea who that is, but I hate him with a burning passionate envy that I can barely express. Ahem.

The Rights of Man

They’re somewhat limited, around here, you’ll find. But we like it that way.

Well, you’ll find anyway, as they’re due round for a drink later.

Hmmm. Looks to me like one person’s doing all the work in this relationship.

And she’s got plenty of time to think of some too – she’s not due back until Tuesday.

Should never have lent her that copy of 50 Shades…

Maybe she can share her literary passions with him when they’re married.

I will feel a glow just thinking of you…

…and the way it felt, last night. Thank you, Ma’am.

You might want to refer back to my series: Seven secrets of a happy marriage. Urgently.

Men, eh? Only interested in one thing, and – excuse me? Down here? There’s a caption too, and I.. Hello? Oh never mind, I know when there’s something more interesting to look at.

I’m not one of those men who won’t cry in front of women. Just the opposite, actually.

Woah! Might be time for a safeword, there.

If you have any comments on this captioned image, I’ll be in the homeless refuge round the corner, OK?

You can’t always get what you want

But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

It’s silly to worry about whether you’ll stretch enough. Look – that thing’s made of solid plastic, and it’ll have all her strength behind it. Something’s going to give, so just relax.

Sometimes it’s good to go out with your co-workers for a real heart-to-heart. And sometimes it isn’t.

Don’t worry – she’ll explain why at great length.

Schoolboy sessions! My favourite. We’re going to be covering irregular verbs of the fourth declension over the next seven sessions, apparently. Pretty exciting, huh?

Or if you stray outside the permitted boundaries, of course.

Take my hand, take my whole life too

…because who cares what ‘wise men say’ anyway?

You’ll have to ask them when you next see them. Of course, that’ll have to be when you’re no longer grounded.

What’s the worst that can happen?

They don’t know yet, anyway.

Relax! She’s a professional, OK?

Whimper.

and yes I said yes I will Yes.

Todays theme is love.

But then, it always is.

Enjoy.

That was kind, don’t you think? Changing her plans like that, just for you.

Spent my life explorin the subtle whorin

The customer is always right.

Number 17.

Soft power… stronger than diamond.

Restraining orders

Yes please. Those.

These too:

The leash is invisible, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one there.

Rather a thoughtless gift, as she can’t drive, don’t you think? I expect he’ll be punished for that. When she can be bothered.

Pain-killers don’t work, anyway. I was taking some, for a minor condition, but when I went to visit my Significant Other the nipple clamps still hurt like hell. I’m thinking of complaining to the Adertising Standards Authority.

I cant remmebre what this femdom caption was about

Yes, being caged up for that long is pretty scary. But not as scary as Lucy.

That would be really helpful, actually. I find that almost every day, there are some moments when I catch myself not thinking about Anne. Of course, it doesn’t happen often, but it’s still a bit worrying.

Lessons in love

….with punishments if you fail any of the tests.

Now it’s getting towards summer, the days are just right. A little chilly perhaps, but as the sunlight stretches out into the evening, a day trotting through the hills just seems to last forever. Don’t you think?

There comes a point at which humiliation and degradation just don’t work any more.

She loves to bind him tightly in desperately uncomfortable positions, so he can gasp out the scientific names of the each of the muscles that she has placed under agonising strain.

I think therefore I serve.

That was a bit of luck, wasn’t it?