November 2011 – Contemplating the divine

Wow, it just kept getting bigger…and longer…

So…this started out as a caption. But somehow it grew and grew.

Lines of responsibility

Unsatisfied with your performance, by the look of it

“I know you’ve been on management training courses before, Mr Halford, but I’m confident you’ll see a real difference to your performance after this one. It’s a completely new management training technique.

Now I’ve written a sentence down here: “Every day, I must strive to do my very best at work, carrying out the instructions of my boss to the best of my ability, giving her no cause to complain of laziness, rudeness or disobedience on my part.”

Isn’t that a motivational sentence? Imagine how you could succeed if you have that running through your head every minute of the day!

Now here’s what we do. There’s a pile of paper on your desk, there. Now I want you to take the pencil and write the number “one” then write out the sentence.

Shall I read it again for you?

“Every day, I must strive to do my very best at work, carrying out the instructions of my boss to the best of my ability, giving her no cause to complain of laziness, rudeness or disobedience on my part.”

Good. Now write the number “two” and do it again.

OK. Now do you see what we’re doing? Yes, that’s right. Now you’re going to keep going until you’ve reached number 200, OK? And I want you to do it all in one go, so no getting up from the desk, no speaking at all. If you make a mistake in writing out the line, I want you to draw a neat line through it and write it again. If you have to make more than three crossings-out on any one page, throw that page away and start it again. Off you go.

No, I said no talking please, Mr Halford. That’s quite important for the exercise to work. When you’ve finished, or if your pencil breaks, I want you just to raise your hand and sit quietly.

Two hours later

Finished? Excellent. Well, you can get up and bring me your papers.

Now while I’m looking through it, we’re going to try an exercise in mental visualisation. I want you to stand over there in the corner, facing the wall. No, a little closer. Your nose should be nearly touching. That’s right. Now put your hands on your head. I want you to visualise the sentence in your mind, as you remain in that position until I tell you to stop. See if you can see it floating in space on the blank wall in front of you. If I leave the room, you should remain in that position.

An hour later

Right, Mr Halford. I think we’re making excellent progress. Come and stand over here. You can keep your hands on your head. Now I counted nine crossings-out in your written work, and I see you discarded one page, so I suppose that’s another four, making 13 errors in all. And you also spoke when I’d instructed you to remain silent, so let’s call that another 10, making 23 in all. I’m going to round that up to 24.

Now we come to the really innovative part of this training. It’s a completely new approach to motivational training. I am going to make you feel very sorry for each and every one of those 24 errors. Can you guess how?

No, it’s not that. Not even close. Go to that drawer over there and bring me what’s inside it. Yes, that. Do you know what that is? No, it’s nothing to do with cooking. It’s a motivational instruction tool. I’ll show you how it works…

Plenty of motivation here

Half an hour later still

Right, Mr Halford, I think we’re done here for the day. You might want to tuck your shirt a bit more neatly back into your trousers before you go back to your office. That’s better.

Did you find that motivational? Yes, it is rather isn’t it? It’s simple, but amazingly effective.

But it only works if you keep it up. Now the great thing about this technique is you don’t have to be an expert trainer to do it. I’ve got a name here – Janine O’Brien? – oh, she’s your secretary? Right. Super.

No, no, she’s not going on a course like this Mr Halford! This is only for senior managers. No, Janine is booked on a motivational instructor training course this week. So she’ll be able to deliver the weekly modules of your training programme. Isn’t that great? It’s best to agree a single time – Thursday at 6pm or suchlike – and just stick to it. She’ll be tracking your performance at work too.

Oh, don’t look so worried, I’m sure she’ll pick it up in no time. She’ll be watching the video of today’s session, at the start of her course, so she’ll know exactly what to expect. We usually find that secretaries love taking on these additional tasks, and really put everything they’ve got into it. Anyway, she’ll send me weekly reports.

Janine. Isn’t she sweet?

Then you’ll come back here from time to time for a refresher course. And there are quite a few other things we haven’t tried too.”

Feeling her pain

Oh, you will.

He should be more sensitive. Fortunately, parts of him are, so she can start working on those.

It can’t be for clothes, because she buys them for you. And you’re not allowed alcohol or cigarettes.

She calls it “head-spanking”. Isn’t that cute?

Of course, it’s just possible they’ll take a bit longer than an hour. So – best to stop all that frantic banging and wriggling about.

Won’t your wife be pleased when you get home and show her?

Influencing skills

These ladies have them.

Oooh! Oooh! I don’t have a foot fetish either Ma’am! Oh dear, Pleeeease don’t make me lick your dirty feet clean Ma’am!

Still, he’s lucky to be inside in weather like this. Best half-hour of the day.

Hmmm. How are we going to resolve this?

And don’t think she’s impressed when you buy the extra-large condoms, either. She knows they’re not for you.

You’ve made her very happy today.

The importance of terror in a healthy relationship

Often undervalued, don’t you think? It’s the chill of fear striking deep into my stomach, as I watch the minute hand creep closer to the appointed hour, the hesitancy with which I approach the door and the tremble in my hand as I reach out for the doorbell that – for me – makes it more than just another way of getting bruises.

Ahem.

Next!

Don’t be fooled by that severe exterior. She’s actually a very kind person. Why did you know, she gives 20% of all your money to animal charities?

Of course, she’ll need training. The Headmistress reckons that Mr Jones, the maths teacher, might be available to assist.

Apparently, the new one has voice recognition. You have to train it to recognise your voice, though. So you say “Clean the floor.” If it doesn’t do it – press the red button to zap its balls. Then repeat the command. It’s quite uncanny how accurate and responsive it can become.

That Raoul has always had a wicked sense of humour. Remember that time he told her you’d called her a bitch?

What a lucky man you are that someone so attractive takes the trouble to despise you.

Should men have the vote?

Not such an obvious question as you might imagine. Yes, on the one hand, obviously women should make all the decisions. But in our present, highly imperfect society, dominant wives effectively get two votes and owners of stables of slaves get a whole bunch.

I’m actually really interested in politics, myself. I like to watch all the debates, and sort out the issues in my mind, as it helps me guess which party my Significant Other is likely to tell me to vote for.

Here we go again – femdom captions all right for you? Lovely.

Last fancy dress party, she wore her leather outfit and you wore that little maid dress. The time before she went as a strict schoolteacher and you as a schoolboy. It’s just as well your parents don’t know anything about this stuff, or they might begin to see a pattern and stop inviting you.

Femdom wife appreciates it when you fuck off and leave her alone

As you’ve probably discovered by now, the world is full of beautiful women who really want you to fuck off. I find that usually I know that without them even needing to tell me any more. It’s a Mars/Venus thing, really.

I think the club has a special lapel-pin you can wear.

She probably won’t actually tell him, in order to avoid panic. If he needs to know, he’ll know.

Isn’t she pretty? Don’t pictures like this make you feel you don’t deserve even to be scraped off the sole of her shoe?

Another rather unimaginative headline featuring femdom captions

With a big hello to search engines from all over.

Now, after a headline like that, I suppose there had better be some captioned images of female domination, hadn’t there?

But also more enjoyable for her. There’s always an upside.

So with this one I – ow! – excuse me, I was just – OOH! – I’m sorry, I really…ohhhh that hurts!…need to move on to the next. No caption here.

OW! No better!

Right. Think calm thoughts. It’s funny – we give our cat the stuff in tins as a treat, and the dry biscuity stuff for normal food. So when my wife makes me eat the contents of one of the tins, I guess both me and the cat are unhappy about it.

Isn’t it an awful feeling? When you just know you’re going to have an argument. But all arguments end, you know that too. And you’ll be a better husband for it, after all.

Service

No means no

Something too few men understand. When a woman says no, that’s just what she means. No you can’t stay out late. No you’re going to stay down there until I come. No, not after your behaviour this month. No, you signed the contract and that’s that. That sort of thing. Get used to it.

For some reason, that particular paddle is called “Angela”. She might call you at work, to let you know that Angela’s going to be coming around that evening, that kind of thing.

You can lead a slave to Mistress but you can't errr

It’s nice to know there’s someone to pop in to feed them, if need be, so you don’t need to leave them any use of their hands when you’re away for a week or two.

You’re allowed to discharge yourself, you know. You just need to fill out a form. You have to ask her for one. And a pen.

It was such a relief to their mother, whose arm used to get quite tired in the first days of their marriage.

It’s a bit like being a kid again, isn’t it? Those feelings of longing and anticipation for months before…and then it’s not exactly what you wanted, or it just doesn’t turn out as expected? Still, being able to deal with these feelings is what makes us grown-ups, right?

Blessed art thou among women

There seems to be a discontinued Christian blog, that had the same name as this one. I occasionally like to run headlines like that, to make a few minds explode.

Rather naughty, I know. Fortunately, it seems I’ll be getting a beating quite soon, so there will be penance.

More sinful pictures below:

Bet you’re glad you didn’t look at their bottoms, aren’t you? Oh. Oh dear.

Actually, the way the ones who are already thin react to the starvation diet can be even funnier.

Come on – don’t be such a baby! It’s not as if she hasn’t whipped you before!

My favourite place.

Another little service you can do for her.