Special delivery

 
Yes, it’s from Harold. Listen to this, Marion:
My dearest Bess.  I write these words in haste.  I hope you are well and have not been too worried
by
my unexpected absence.  If you are reading this missive then I have the joy to announce that our enforced separation can at last be ended.
You see, my love, there has been the most monstrous misunderstanding.  The uncle of yours, to whom you suggested I apply for a position, appears to have been under the impression that I was a potential pupil for a school of which he acts as governor.  I  am not aware of the precise location, but somewhere on a bleak moor in Derbyshire, I am enrolled in a boys’ boarding school! 
In vain, I have pointed out that I am no schoolboy, but an independent gentleman of 25 years, recently contracted in the blissful state of wedlock with a beautiful young lady. Yet the school , it seems, caters to delinquent young men and the headmaster appears to assume that I am one such.  I have ceased to protest for fear of his cane, which he and the staff use viciously to deal with any minor infraction or even annoyance.  Most of my ‘class’ appear to be well into the age of majority, and have advised me to ‘buckle down and take it’, so beaten into submission are their poor spirits.
My own spirit is flagging somewhat, I will admit, under the oppression I suffer daily.  As you know, dearest Bess,
since I recall you remarking on it with a smile when I mentioned the fact, my own school had a more progressive outlook and so the canings, cold showers and country runs are taking a terrible toll on my physique, not to mention my mental state, which alternates between terror of a forthcoming thrashing and tedium as I complete the mindless rote-learning tasks that pass for instruction in this benighted institution.  I have been here not more than three weeks, yet already I have written over five thousand lines!  Yes, my dearest, lines: it apears modern educational theories have yet to reach whatever godforsaken corner of Northern England holds me captive.
Furthermore, several of the tutors take… liberties with the ‘boys’ that I will not commit to paper for fear of being prosecuted for penning an obscene publication – and are in so sense fit to mention to a young lady, even one with
such enlightened ideas as I was pleased if somewhat shocked to experience on our wedding night.  
I am handing this missive to a groundsman, to whom I have entrusted the last of my secreted funds. I can only
hope and pray you see it and intervene with your uncle before the end of the week, when I have been promised the thrashing of a lifetime.
I kiss the air and pray for your well-being, my love, my only dearest. 

Your ever-faithful
Harold.
Goodness. Marion, my darling, will you bring me paper and pen?  I need to write to my uncle.  Is the boy who delivered this still waiting downstairs?
Excellent.  Give him some supper.  Tell him I want him personally to deliver my letter to Uncle Frederick, will you?  I’m sure Uncle Fred will enjoy dealing with him himself.  Honestly: taking money from pupils to deliver letters.  You can’t trust anyone these days. 
Oh – and that reminds me: we need to pay Harold’s school-fees for the rest of the year.  Apparently after this first year, we can set up a trust which pays the fees in perpetuity, so we don’t need to be bothered with it again.
But we can sort that out tomorrow.  Run my bath, will you Marion dearest?  And get in: I’ll join you there when I’m done with this.

Financial liabilities


Oh hi, Mr Travers. Do come in.  This is Emilie Haskins – one of my colleagues
who works in fixed-income products.
Thanks for dropping by. 
Look: I’ve been thinking about our last consultation.  I’d like to apologise for…maybe over-reacting to some of the little jokes you made.  As you said: you’re from
an older generation and I expect ‘in your day’ it was perfectly normal to
compliment a woman on her legs.  Not your fault if you’re a ‘leg man’ is it?  As you said.  And as you also so rightly said, it was partly my own fault for wearing quite such a short skirt. 
Just so as long as you remember that I’m your independent
financial advisor, not a ‘lovely bit of skirt’ as you so… amusingly
described me, I don’t see why we shouldn’t continue to have a business
relationship.
All right then, Mr Travers, if you want to put it that way!  As well as a lovely bit of skirt.  Goodness, the jokes never stop with you, do they?  Such fun.  Anyway: to be a bit more serious, we’ve identified a customised financial product that
we think is just right for you!  Haven’t we, Em?  
If you’d like to come and sit down – I’m afraid there’s only one chair, but Emilie here can perch on the desk.  As long as you don’t mind her looming over you like that?   No?  Didn’t think you would. Right then.

Now: this financial product.  It does
take some active management, so you’d need to come and see me and Emilie about
it… ooh at least once a month.  Or we could even visit you at home, if that’s easier for you?  Would
that be OK? Great.
Do you want to hear more about it…? I’ve got a 37 page brochure
here, just erm… excuse me Em, would you mind shifting your legs?  Yes: here it is.  So, you could take it away if you like and…?  No?  You OK with just going ahead and signing?
Mr Travers?  Goodness, you were miles away there!  I was saying: shall we just sign?  Great. 
Right: sign there. 
And there.  Sorry, I’ll make some space here on the desk next to Emily’s legs so you can sign.  Just there. No: there, Mr
Travers.  You won’t sign in the right
place unless you look at it, will you? That’s it.  This one’s for the bank: initial every page
and sign at the bottom. Super.  That’s
right, just leave the bit saying ‘Beneficiary’ blank: we’ll fill that in.   
And there’s another… oh, Emilie’s sitting on
it!  Mind out Em!  There we are – if you could just…?
Yes, I suppose you had better sign it while it’s
still warm! I warned you he was a joker, didn’t I, Em?  Goodness, Em… you look like you’re about to burst with laughter right now – but you have to keep that under control, OK?  Like we discussed.  Until the business is all settled.
Don’t mind her, Mr Travers. She’s just got a very lively sense of humour – just like you!    Anyway: you sign there, look: below where it says ‘Waiver’.  And again, under where it says: ‘Power of attorney’.  Brilliant. 
Great.  Well… I think
we’re done.  Unless you have any more
savings you haven’t told me about?  Right
then.  Well, I think you’re all set for
the financial future you most certainly deserve, Mr Travers. 
Oh – that’s Em bursting out in giggles again! You’ve certainly put her in a good mood, Mr Travers!   And I’ve enjoyed our chat too: it’ll be an absolute pleasure to take care of all your money.
We’ll call you in a few days, to
explain a thing or two, once all the funds have been transferred, OK?
Bye now! 

Reunion







Oh my god.  Oh my god
– little Bobby Jenkins, as I live and breathe! 
“Sinatra55” is Bobby Jenkins!  Wow.  Who’d have guessed!
Well, “Sinatra55”,as you can see: “Sultry Suzie” from Elegant Escorts is
none other than Clarice Hoskins. From class of 2012. Surprise!  How about that, huh? 
Wow.  Just wow.  After all these years.
Hey, I guess I
haven’t seen you since that night I met you outside the cinema, huh?  And listen, I’ve thought about that night a
lot, OK? That letter you pressed into my hand? 
I’m sorry I didn’t reply, but I did read it.  I read it a few times, actually, and I tried
to write a reply – oh, must have been 15… 20 times? But I just couldn’t find
the words – you were the first boy who ever told me he loved me, you know?  And there’ve only been one or two since –
none of them wrote me a letter like that. 
Beautiful.  And I wanted to tell
you how good it made me feel but also somehow tell you you just weren’t my
type, not in that way, and when I thought about how you’d feel when you read that
I’d just start crying, so… I could never finish the reply.  You know how teenagers are.
Yeah.  I guess we all have to grow up, huh?
The escort thing?  Oh
yeah, been doing that a few years now.  I
mostly just keep it to oral, you know, like you booked? But once you’re with a
client, you pretty much have to do what they want, so I’ve done a few
things.  But I don’t mind.
Look, I’ve got to keep 20% back for the agency, OK? But I
can just refund the rest of your fee.  No
problem.  It happens from time to
time.  Maybe we could just go for a drink
– I mean, we’ve got a couple of hours.
What do you mean why do you get a refund?  You get a refund because we’re not going
to fuck, Bobby, yeah?  If I know one thing,
it’s that the Bobby Jenkins who wrote Clarice that beautiful letter wouldn’t
want to pay her to kneel down in front of him for a meaningless, anonymous blow
job.  So – no problem. The agency will
just credit your card.  They won’t ask any questions.
No, really.  It’s sweet of you, but I don’t really need the money just now. I’ve had a busy week already – I only toook this on because one of the other girls had to go visit her Mom. You keep your money – buy yourself something special, OK?
No. I wouldn’t hear of it.  There – I’ve texted the agency to do the refund.  End of discussion. 
So – how about you, huh? What are you doing with
yourself?  Guess you must be doing pretty
well to afford someone like me, huh? 
What is it – hedge fund? You were always good at math.

Street vendor

Just a quickie…

You want what, sweetheart?  ‘Humiliation’?

Yeah… look, I don’t really do the freak
stuff, you know?  I mean… I’m still young
and attractive… got lovely big tits, arse, yeah?  I generally go with men who actually get
turned on by an attractive female body: I take my clothes off, they get hard,
we fuck and that’s it.

Trouble with a humiliation scene, is I
never know when I take my bra off whether you’re going to want to kiss my tits
or put it on yourself, you know?  And if I take my
knickers off you’d probably rather
handwash them than fuck me, wouldn’t you?
There was a girl round here used to cater to perves like you, you know.  She didn’t like them either, but she had these… like, cold sores? So normal blokes didn’t much want to fuck her. She used to make her customers kiss her sores – said they couldn’t get enough of it. Horrible.
I mean, you must get diseases, right?  I expect you like kissing and licking shoes, yeah?  You’d like to get down on your knees and lick away at the lovely red leather on these, wouldn’t you?  Even though I’m out here on the street wearing them all evening. There’s probably not an inch of this pavement that hasn’t been pissed on by some beered-up bloke going home from the pub: you know that, right?  It’s not like I step in puddles of the stuff but would you really lick the soles of these?  Even if they, like, stank of piss?  Fucking hell, you would, wouldn’t you?

Look, darling, you know, two blocks down is where the
really old tarts hang out.  You go down
there and they’ll humiliate you all right – you can empty your wallet for some
sixty year-old alcoholic with severe halitosis, you know? Cos I’m not going to get any real customers who want an actual woman to fuck, while you’re standing here touching yourself like that.  
Yeah – don’t think I didn’t notice.

Oh god – you’ve got a stiffie,
haven’t you? Is that just from talking to me like this, you pathetic loser?  Jesus fucking Christ that’s sad.  How do blokes like you get so
fucked up anyway?  Did you, like, get
caught masturbating in your mum’s knickers or something? And then get hard when
she spanked you over her lap? Or maybe it’s some sort of repressed homosexual thing.

Do you know what street girls like me
call sad old gits like you? We –

Oh? Oh fuck! Are you coming in your
trousers?  Oh, you filthy fucking… is that just from talking to me?  That has got to be the saddest thing I’ve ever
seen… I think I’m going to have to offer a free fuck to the next real man who
goes past, just to get that out of my mind.

Yeah…

All done? 
Great.
Do you want a tissue?  No?  Sure – cos there’s a bit of a stain?  So if you’re going back to work, I’d… No?  Done for the week?  Oh – lucky you!  Weekend starts here, eh?
All right, sweetheart. 
Take care now, OK?  See you next week.

In the morning…

…when the madness has faded.

Oh, yeah, it was good, thanks.  Well, it was kind-of good, but it was kind-of
weird, too.
See, I picked up these two German guys – at Anaconda, you
know, that new bar by the river?  Anyway,
Kurt and Walter, they were and we got talking and one thing led to another, and
I asked them if they wanted a fuck and so off we went.
And I thought they’d take turns, but they wanted to do me
together – one at the front, one at the back, you know?  And they both had lovely big cocks, and they
were quite tall, so I’m actually impaled there, really, with my feet off the
ground with all my weight pushing them all the way into me, so that was great.
But I couldn’t really move, so I’m thinking ‘now what?’ and then they both just
start thrusting, using their knees to jiggle me up and down.  They both had really strong thighs –
cyclists, I think.
Anyway, I’m just gasping away as all this is going on, and
then I realise they’re talking away to one another while they fuck.  I don’t know what they were saying but they
were just looking straight at each other and chatting away, and when I tried to
kiss one of them he kind of brushed me away so he could keep on talking to his
friend.
And that’s when I realised, they weren’t really fucking me –
they were fucking each other!  A bit like
when I realised on our wedding night that you were more interested in my panties
than in what was inside them.  Remember?
Well… more fun than that, obviously.  But
it was a bit humiliating actually – I guess they couldn’t admit to themselves
that they were gay, so they just had to use a girl like a… like a plug adaptor
or something.
They took me from both ends after that, with me down on all
fours, and then I really felt like a piece of meat.  Hi guys – I’m Julie, I’ll be the tube
connecting your cocks tonight!  Enjoy.
Anyway, they’re leaving for Germany this afternoon, so I
suppose that’s that.   
It’s a bit sad,
really, don’t you think?  That they fancy
each other so much but they have to fuck girls all the time to express it?  It is a bit like you and the panties, isn’t
it?  Only less pathetic.    

Oh, that reminds me, actually – can we move your unlocked night to Wednesday next week?


Reality show





What am I wearing? 
You want to know what I’m wearing you fucking pervert?

OK, I’m wearing a check shirt and a pair of loose
jeans.  What?  No, I’m not going to tell you what underwear,
asswipe.  But it’s functional: cotton,
you know.
 
What, you thought I’d put on something sexy just to do this
phone sex call?  Fuck you!

Oh, I see, you want me to lie?  You want me to tell you I’m just lounging
here in some kind of fetish fantasy garb, hmm…? 
Leather bra… big thigh-high boots for you to lick, maybe?  You’d like that, huh?

Not going to happen, loser. 
You’re paying to jerk off, you’re gonna jerk off to me just as I
am.  Jeans, check shirt… no make-up.  And I’m sitting on a bus, I’m going grocery
shopping.  I need to stock up on tampons, cos it’s my period and I’m almost out?  And you have… oh I dunno, like
two minutes before it’s my stop and I end the call, so if you’re gonna jerk off
do it now, asshole.

Hmm?  Yeah, the bus is
pretty crowded.  You tugging?  Up-down-up-down-updownupodownup…

Hurry up, just pulling out from the stop before the mall.

Updownupdowntugtugtugtugtugtugtugtugtug?  Oh. 

There.  Was that
special for you, hun?  Hope so, cos it’s
all you’re ever going to get.

Oh, and tribute’s going up by another 40% next month,
creep.  And tell that fucking bank of
yours if they’re a day late again, you’re gonna have to go three months without
hearing your Goddess’s voice, yeah?

Yeah, I know you worship me, creep.  That’s because I’m female and talk to you
occasionally.  Don’t forget – 40%.   
Now fuck off.
“Hmm?  Yeah, sure I’m wearing gloves and boots. It’s cold here in Buffalo, moron.”
The lovely lady featured in this story is Goddess Rodea, of the American Mean Girls (they seem to have branched out beyond Miami and might even have rebranded again), who really do just sit around in sexy lingerie all day,  doing unpleasant things to males.  But this caller doesn’t need to know that and I won’t tell him if you don’t, OK?

Safer space




OK, so Ken’s question actually gives me a good opportunity
to show you how the new anti-sexist speech code will work in practice.  See, Ken’s worried that his free speech
rights will be infringed by our new policies against sexist speech. 
And he’s wrong about that, obviously, but it’s OK for him to express
those concerns.

But what about the way he expressed those concerns,
hmm?  Was he in breach of the policy?  Well, yes, he was. In several ways.  So how could he have expressed his concerns in a way that doesn’t involve any kind of sexist behaviour, hmm? Anyone?

No David – women speak first – remember?  I know I said ‘anyone’ but you need to wait
at least 30 seconds before attempting to speak to see if any of the women want
to say something first, yeah?  We
practiced that before.  So… Ken’s
question.  What should have have done differently?

Phoebe?  That’s right!  He didn’t put his hand up, did he?  He just started speaking without female
permission.  So that’s a violation right
there.  Very good.

What about the opinion he expressed?  What did he do there that could have been
better?

That’s right, Kate. He disagreed with me.  It’s a very common male habit, isn’t it? I guess all the women here could tell stories of men just straight-up disagreeing with them like that.  Exactly what the speech code is supposed to stop.  But it’s so easy to avoid!  There are just so many ways Ken could have expressed his concerns, there,
without disagreeing with something a woman just said.   
He could have thanked me and said how much he
agreed with the policy of ending sexist speech, and could I explain a bit more
clearly how this does not infringe his constitutional rights.  Or… he could have asked for more advice on how he should express himself, or he could have sought to discover some boundaries, hmmm?  Could have asked me what I would like the limits of his free speech to be, yeah?  Any of those would have been OK.

Anything else?

How did he address me?  Was it respectful?

Well… yes, Kate, he did say “Ma’am”.  But he hesitated a bit, didn’t he?  And that sounded just a little
disrespectful?  So… maybe OK, to be a bit slow with the “Ma’am” in some circumstances,
sure.  As long as it’s there.  But given the context: he spoke without permission, he also disagreed with me… his hesitation before calling me “Ma’am” was almost like a direct challenge to my authority, wasn’t it? So, yeah,
that’s another violation.  
So there’s three distinct violations of the code, which is actualy enough to raise some red flags for action.  So I could just call up the app – any time up to three months from the date of the violation, so if you want time to think about it, that’s OK – then I’d double-click on Ken and put the report into the system for disciplinary measures to be taken.
He wouldn’t lose his job, of course, not for only three violations.  But he’d lose pay and he’d be placed on the watch list, to undergo some more direct training.  There’s an external weekend that he’d find very effective.

Ken?  Oh –  putting your
hand up, I see!  So much better.  But I don’t want to hear you just now. Does any other woman want to hear what Ken has to say? No? OK, so put
it down again.  That’s right.

Now… we’re going to roleplay a typical office situation…  You’re all a team discussing a new project, OK? You’ve each got envelopes describing your role and the team objectives.  You’re going to need to plan the research and implentation phases, big marketing push to a female-oriented clientele, yeah? You’re going to need tech skills, marketing savvy and a LOT of cups of coffee, OK? Let’s see how you handle it – using the speech codes, the way we practiced.

Missives

Dear Miss Cavendish

As instructed, I am writing to
express my deepest gratitude for the beating you were kind enough to bestow on
me last Saturday.  As you know, for some
time now I have been experiencing feelings of rebellion at our ‘little
arrangement’ and petulance at the constraints you so wisely impose on me.

The caning I received at your
hands opened my eyes to the ingratitude of this attitude on my part, compelling
me to re-examine my behaviour and see it for what it is: the result of my
undisciplined childhood, that you are now taking such effective measures to
remedy.  I have been lucky indeed to
have made your acquaintance, even so late in life. 
Had it not been for a chance encounter, I might never have experienced
the cane across my backside.  It is hard to recall how it was not to know the pain of being thrashed with your cane, now that it looms so large in my life: constantly present in my thoughts as I try to follow your precepts in all that I do.

I hope that you were not
disturbed by my snivelling and pleading during the administration of this most
necessary exercise.  I further hope, more
wholeheartedly than I can express in this short missive, that such floggings
will not be necessary in the future. 
However, should the need arise, I am confident your strong right arm
will once again provide the correction I require and will undoubtedly richly deserve.

If (unlike my previous effort)
this thank-you letter meets with your approval, I very much hope that I will be
allowed the educative experience of copying it out a further 99 times.  It has, as you will observe, met and indeed
exceeded the required length of 300 words and I believe there are no spelling
mistakes this time.

Your obedient and thankful pupil

Martin

 ———————————————————————————————-


Dear Sarah

You will perhaps not recall me
by name, but if I mention a disastrous dinner at the St George Hotel in 2011, followed
by a particularly cringeworthy experience back at your apartment, perhaps the
occasion we met will be called to mind.

In the years after our
catastrophic ‘date’ I have had the good fortune to meet a woman who knows
exactly how perverts like me should be treated. 
On our wedding night, I made an attempt to be ‘a man’ and – you will be
unsurprised to hear from your own experience – failed utterly.  That was the last time I attempted sexual
intercourse with a woman, as my wife decided that such activities should stop
then and there.  The next morning – the
first of our married life – she purchased a steel tube and you will no doubt be
relieved to hear that my penis has penetrated nothing else since that
date.  I will spare you the gory details,
but some minor piercings have now ensured that no lock or key is required to
keep the device in place, so the women of this world are finally safe.

After six years of tolerating
me, my wife finally decided to divorce me and marry one of her many lovers, so
naturally a divorce settlement needed to be drawn up, which brings me finally
to my purpose in getting in touch again, after all these years.  My wife – soon to be ex-wife – does not need
my earnings, because the man she will be marrying is far richer than I, as well
as being more manly, witty and attractive. 
However, it has been some years since I had any real financial
independence, so new arrangements must be made to ensure I have no spare funds
to abuse.  My wife has therefore decided
that I should write to all the women with whom I ever attempted sexual
relations of any kind: firstly, to apologise and secondly to offer some financial
compensation.  There are, luckily, not
many.  Apart from my wife herself, I have
attempted penetrative sex with just three women, and achieved a sexual climax
in the vicinity of a further five, one of whom is unknown to me as she was
merely a fellow-traveller on the bus one day. 
The former – including yourself – are each to be offered 20% of my
post-tax income in perpetuity, the latter 5%. 
The 5% owed to the untraceable lady will be donated instead to a charity
supporting female participation in politics.

Rest assured that no further
contact with me (even by correspondence) will be required on your part, should
you choose to take up the offer.  My wife
has appointed a firm of (women) solicitors who will make all the arrangements
and will themselves receive a further 5%. 
As my wife has pointed out, I am lucky indeed not to have experienced
more sexual encounters, or I would not retain even the 10% of my post-tax
income that I will keep under this arrangement. 
Fortunately, my needs are very modest. 
If, however, you would regard even receiving a monthly transfer from me
as being too unpleasant a reminder of my physical existence, then I would be
most grateful if you could nominate a charity to receive your 20% (or, if you
prefer, specify that the sum be burnt by me in cash each month, under the
solicitors’ supervision).

Please rest assured as well
that I have passed this letter to the solicitors to address and send. I do not
know your address.  Furthermore, the solicitors can monitor my location using a chip implated under my skin and the geographical range of my movements is very tightly restricted. 

Finally, whatever your decision
regarding restitution, please allow me to extend my deepest, deepest apologies
for my sexual advances towards you that night, and for the pathetic performance
when I attempted to follow through on them. 
I hope that you have gone on to experience a rich and satisfying sex
life, as I now appreciate very well that most other men are vastly more
proficient in these matters, as well of course as being more personally
attractive. I hope you can at least take some comfort from the misery that I
have experienced in being forced to write this letter, and at the prospect I face so deservedly, of a
life of desperate poverty and toil without respite.

I am so very sorry.

Yours sincerely

Alan Harcourt (né Raeburn)

 ———————————————————————————————-

To the pretty nurses at St
Bathory hospital

Dear nurses.  I hope you are all very well.  If you are not, maybe a hospital is the best place to be!  Because if you get sick in
hospital, you will get better quickly.

My Mummy, who is not really my
Mummy but I call her Mummy, has told me to write a thank-you note now I am
back from hospital, so here it is.  You
were all very kind and nice to me after my operation, and the food was lovely
and I liked the way the bed went up and down when the buttons were pressed.

Mummy tells me I was very
grumpy before the operation but I don’t remember that.  She said those straps on the bed were to hold my arms and legs still and stop me running away because I was so cross because I didn’t want the operation.  She said I made a big fuss and shouted about
what an important and rich man I was, and how you couldn’t do this to me.  Fortunately, there were no other patients on
my ward, but she says I was very rude to you nurses and called you rude names
and said lots of rude words.  When I
asked her what words she laughed and would not tell me, so they must have been
very bad.

Mummy says that the reason I
was so cross was there was something wrong with my brain.  There was too much ego and IQ in there.  I asked her what those things are and she laughed
again and said it doesn’t matter, the important thing is that I have a lot less
of both of them now, because the doctors took out some bits of my brain.

I knew I must have done
something naughty, because you all spanked me before I left hospital.  Nurses are strong, probably because you lift
heavy things all day.  Mummy spanks hard
but you spank harder.  The nurse with the
brown skin spanked me hardest of all. 
Mummy says that’s because I said racist things to her before the
operation and I don’t know what that means but I hope it has been spanked out
of me and I am forgiven.

I hope the nurse with blonde
hair reads this.  I liked her very much
but I want to say sorry for how my willy got all stiff whenever she tried to
help me do a wee-wee.  Sorry.  I don’t know why
it did that, but it does it whenever I think of her.  Mummy says I might need another operation to
sort that out, so perhaps I will see you all in hospital again!

Mummy says my name is Sir James
Edmonton but that seems like too much name, so I am just Jimmy now.

Love from Jimmy, age 57

xxxx (and xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx to
the nurse with blonde hair!)

Curled up with a good book

My weekend newspaper’s book review section always includes a roundup of the top five
bestsellers in some literary genre: science fiction, historical novels, that
kind of thing.  This week, they’re focusing on castration lit.  I was
heartened to see that this popular genre is breaking out into the mainstream at
last, so I thought I’d ignore the law on copyright and share the piece with
you.


I expect these
are all available on Amazon, somewhere.  Incidentally, isn’t that a great
name for a company? 

Bestsellers monthly: Cast-lit

This month, our bestsellers feature reports on the castration literature phenomenon that swept the
English-speaking world in 2016 and shows no sign of abating as 2017 draws towards its close.  Here are the top five on this month’s
chopping block!



Find Out What you Mean to Me

Susan’s unhappy marriage turns into what seems likely to be
a still more unhappy divorce – until Susan has a brilliant idea to turn her
life around!  Her husband Oliver is a deeply
dislikable character whose inevitable end on the cutting table we anticipate
with growing pleasure – and we are not disappointed.  In the run up to this satisfying denouement,
however, Susan must first learn about the tools of her trade – and there are newspaper
boys, divorce lawyers and an unfortunate Anglican vicar along the way, to give
her the opportunity.  Strictly by the
numbers but if you enjoy scenes of men in agony, pleading in terror to avoid
their richly-deserved fates – and who doesn’t? – this one is for you. 

Rising cast-lit star Liz Folgate, author of Find Out What you Mean to Me.



Scream Louder for Me: the Chronicles of Cutting, vol 5.

Patricia Layton knows what her readers like and reliably
delivers it to them in a fifth volume of her popular series.  Literary critics affect to despise her
contrived plots and weak characterisation, but no one writes a torture scene
like Layton. Every male character we meet is going to end up strapped to a
wooden block awaiting his fate in terror before too long anyway, so do we
really care much about their motivations? 
More than 200 million sales worldwide says that most of us don’t.

The queen of scream herself, Patricia Layton. Not a believer in cruelty-free fashion!



Sins of Omission

Many would not consider this debut novel to be ‘cast lit’ at
all. Julie Melfoy builds her world slowly and with care, inviting the reader
fully to enter it – and readers seeking a slash and scream experience should look
elsewhere, as no cutting occurs at all in the first two-thirds of the
book.  John Laurie, the main male character,
is far from the arrogant obnoxious stereotypical man providing the meat in a
typical cast-lit story and Rosie Vinners, his childhood sweetheart, no sadistic
torturess. Yet their relationship seems always fated to end up with him on the
cutting board and the path they take there is richly satisfying.  For readers who want literary ‘meat’ as well
as the more ordinary kind, when reading about castration, this book is strongly
recommended.

Can men and women ever resolve their differences without resorting to castration?  Sins of Omission explores this dilemma with flair and sensitivity.  The movie adaptation, pictured above, is eagerly awaited for 2018.



Pride and Penectomy

Olivia Rawston’s tongue is always firmly in her cheek in
this witty homage to Austen.  Will Mr
Darcy manage to save his family jewels? 
Of course not.  Austen-lovers will
adore Rawston’s wry and wickedly sadistic take on a classic, others will just
enjoy the inventive use of agricultural tools as Elizabeth and her sisters turn
the tables on their pompous suitors.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good set of genitals must be in want of a gelding knife.




Endgame

Dark and complex, this novel turns the established cast-lit
plot on its head. The screaming never lets up, but this is no mere orgy of pain.  Instead of meeting a sequence of unpleasant men who will
inevitably receive their just desserts, we are introduced to each character when he is already on the
cutting-table and we learn his story through his desperate confessions. Initially, our sympathies are –
for once – with the men, who seem to be the innocent victims, but the truth is
slowly and oh-so-painfully extracted from them and we come to appreciate and
admire the wielder of the red-hot pincers. 
Her story is told only at second hand, through the agonised pleading of the men who have wronged her – but what a tale it is.  Be warned: this novel will make you think, it
will make you weep and it may well change your life.  Shortlisted for the Booker Prize.


 

All of Endgame takes place in a single room but somehow the novel avoids any feelings of claustophobia. Instead, in its life-affirming conclusion, true freedom is found within the bare stone walls of a torture cell.

   

The Princess and the penis


Once upon a time there was a Prince who was handsome, witty,
kind and clever. He was heir to a prosperous Kingdom, where the people were
happy and peaceful.  The King and Queen
owned many palaces, all of them gleaming with marble, with cellars full
of gold and silver, with jewels beyond count. Truly, the Prince was the
luckiest man alive except for one thing: he had a laughably small penis.
When he was born, the court physician had
noticed how tiny the royal todger appeared to be even for a baby.  But he reassured the King and Queen that all
would be well, when the Prince hit puberty. 
Yet puberty came and went, and by the time he was 20, the Prince still
had a cock little larger than he had when he was a baby, although now it stood
up stiffly like a drawing pin whenever the Prince got excited – which was often.
The heir to a Kingdom needs an heir of his own, so the King
and Queen were anxious to marry their only son off as early as possible.  Beautiful princesses came from lands far and
near, but all had heard about the Prince’s little problem and all wanted to see
it before becoming betrothed.  Soon
enough, peals of girlish royal laughter would ring out through the palace, and
the courtiers would hang their heads in despair, as yet another royal carriage
rattled hastily away out of the palace gates, bearing a still-giggly princess
in the back.

They say it is a rare man who can always make a woman laugh. The Prince was such a man.

What were they to do? 
As word spread of the Prince’s embarrassing condition, the Kingdom
became known as ‘the Kingdom of the Prince with the laughably small penis’.  From the lowliest beggar to the mightiest
baron, all of the real men in the Kingdom, sporting perfectly adequate tackle,
found that they were thought by foreigners to have nothing worth speaking of
between their legs – and the women of the Kingdom had to fend off foreign men
eager to give them the pork stuffing that they were assumed to be lacking.
But the years went by, and the King and Queen despaired of
ever finding a beautiful Princess to whom they could wed their darling son,
with his dainty dangling ding-dong.
Then one day, a carriage drew up in the courtyard with a
clattering and a rattling that roused the whole palace. This was unusual in
itself, since it had been years since any princesses visited.  More unusual still, the driver and footmen –
footpeople – on the carriage were all women. 
Usually, princesses were accompanied by handsome young men, who would
sit making gestures towards their ample, bulging trouser treasure, while the Princess
was inside trying to control her laughter. Yet this carriage was accompanied
only by tall, rather serious-looking women.

One got down and opened the door, shouting out “Her Highness
the Crown Princess of Femlandia!”.  And
down from the carriage emerged a young lady of rare beauty and still rarer
richness of garment, whose countenance was sterner still than those of her
minionettes.  She looked around her, with
a bored and faintly contemptuous expression.
“Where’s little dick, then?” she enquired of no one in
particular.
“Erm… our son prefers to go by his given name of Richard”
puffed the King, who had come running out of the palace to greet his guest.
“Where’s little dick Richard, then?” the Princess asked,
fixing his watery blue eyes with a level stare from her pools of steel grey.
“Er… well, there…” the King began, pointing feebly towards
the South Eastern tower of the palace, but the Princess and several of her
entourage had already swept off and were entering the building.
In his room, Prince Richard was sitting quietly in the
gloom, feeling sad and useless, as he often did.  Had it been 700 years later, he would
probably have been wanking around to no purpose on the Internet, but in those
benighted days there was nothing better to do when wasting time than watch the
dust-motes dancing in sunbeams, so this was what he was doing.
There was a peremptory knock and the Princess swept in,
accompanied by two tall blonde courtiers, dressed in military regalia and
sporting swords.
“Who… who are you?” stammered Prince Richard, which was odd
because he had not previously had a speech impediment of any kind.
“Princess Valerie of Femlandia” came the curt response.
“Here to inspect the goods.  Trousers
down.”
“Er… Princess, you realise… of course… that I don’t really
have much to – “ began Richard, wondering where on earth that stammer had come
from.
“Not something that really bothers me, to be honest”, the Princess
replied, smiling slightly at one of the female soldiers at her side, who
blushed and returned the smile more fully.
“But it’s as well to see what I’m getting. Trousers down –
or my guards here will take them down for you.”
The Prince reluctantly did as he was bidden, and stood
there, his legs illuminated by a sunbeam. There was silence in the room, which
was eventually broken by the Princess.
“And the pants”, she snapped.  “Obviously. 
Moron.”
The Prince hurriedly lowered his pants as well.
As it was dark in the room all three women leant forward for
a closer look and at almost exactly the same time, both of the female soldiers
burst out laughing.
“Oh shush!” the Princess tutted, but smiled herself and was
obviously not really cross with the two blonde warriors, who stifled their
giggles and brought themselves to a semblance of attention.
“Better” nodded the Princess, patting one of them gently on
the bottom, and stepped forward, bringing out a magnifying glass that she had
thoughtfully provided for herself, and examined the matter at hand more
closely.
“Hmmm” she said, then spoke no more for several
minutes. 
She reached out and roughly grabbed the Prince’s hair, jerking
his head forward so that he was staring directly at her milky and ample (but
not excessive) bosom.  Then she let go,
and continued her magnified examination. 
The Princely prick had become erect and had doubled in size to almost
nothing at all.
“Hmmm” she said again and then sighed.
“Pretty much as expected, I suppose.”
“But… but you’re not laughing?” prompted the Prince.
Princess Valerie shook her head decisively.
“Don’t have much of a sense of humour, really.  Everyone says so.  Especially where men are concerned” and an
expression of contempt came over her face, and her hand involuntarily jerked
slightly, as if flicking a conductor’s baton, or perhaps a riding whip.
She clasped both hands behind her back and stared straight
into the Prince’s face.
“Would you like it to be… bigger?  To feel like there’s more down there?”
“Oh… oh yes, Princess”, stammered the Prince wondering if he
had somehow been cursed to repeat the first word of every sentence he spoke for
the rest of his life.
The Princess smiled a mirthless smile. 
“I can fix things so you have more down there than you even
want. That you’ll be wishing for it to be smaller… would you like me to do that?”
“Oh, oh yes please Princess Valerie”, the Prince replied.  “I’d like that more than anything in the
world. I’d do anything.”
“Good” the Princess, said. 
“Marry me.”
“According to the traditional customs of Femlandia, obviously”
she added.
“The, erm.. traditional customs of Femlandia?” the Prince
quavered. “I’ve heard those are, well, that they’re… rather strict.  To men, anyway.”
“Strict enough.” nodded the Princess.  “Men deserve it, I find.  Look: do you want an inconveniently large
cock or not?  Also – and I might not have
mentioned this – when we rule here together, your penis will be the largest in
the palace.  Would you like that, too?”
“Yes – oh yes, Princess, please” implored the Prince.  “Are you going to going to perform a magic
spell?”
“It’s more in the nature of a magical ring” replied the Princess,
holding her hand out for a shiny metal object that one of her guards handed
her.
“Legs apart”
She busied herself with the device, while the Prince gasped
at the touch of cold metal and instantly felt his prick soften back to its
previous (almost microscopic) size.
“Is it a magical ring from your own country of Femlandia?”,
he enquired, trying not to wince as he felt sharp pains and a weight as from a
thick band of iron tugging at his nonentity.
“Not exactly”, the Princess replied, working away with an
allen key (she was a well-equipped Princess, as befitted someone who was the
tyrannical honorary leader of the boy scouts movement of Femlandia). “You might
say it’s from the far-off fabled land of Hind. 
It’s called a Kali’s Teeth bracelet. 
There – it’s done.”
She stood back up and gazed down at her handiwork. The Prince’s
little disappointment was almost entirely invisible for real this time, swathed
as it was in a thick band of iron, studded with… well, studs.  The weight of it pulled down uncomfortably,
but it was not as uncomfortable as the sharp pins digging into the tender
flesh.
“Errr” the price started, but his hair was grabbed roughly
once more and his face jerked forwards, this time actually being pressed down
into the Princess’s own warm, soft bosom. 
One of the guards looked slightly offended, but stared straight ahead.
Inevitably things started to grow as the Prince felt a surge
of excitement and then – a sharp, stabbing pain in his tenderest parts!  And another! 
And another! As the Princess rubbed his face across her bosom, his nose
pressing down deep into her cleavage, the Prince felt as if every nerve in his
stiffening member was screaming the same song of agony.
A shriek came out of his mouth and he collapsed to the
floor.
“Make it stop!  Oh
please, please make it stop!” he gasped,
The Princess kneeled down beside him.
“It’ll stop when you’re smaller again” she murmured.
“Oh!” moaned the Prince, in torment “Oh how I wish my penis
were smaller””
“It will be,” nodded the Princess, standing back up.

A few minutes later the Prince stood before her again,
panting slightly and brushing the tears from his cheeks.
“See?” the Princess enquired, brightly.  “You wished for it to be smaller.”
“Well, in a manner of speaking” the Prince grumbled, feeling
that something was not quite right.
“So now you marry me” added the Princess.
The Prince drew himself up to his full height and spoke with
as much dignity as is possible, with a tear-stained face and a heavy spiked
ring fastened to your genitals.
“Certainly not.” he sniffed. “It was a trick.”
The Princess sighed and nodded to one of her guards, who
saluted and left the chamber, closing the door behind her.  The tall blonde soldier stood outside for
fifteen minutes, as various strange sounds – thuds, and cracks and moans and
cries – emanated from within, but stood fast, preventing any of the curious
courtiers from gaining access to find out what was going on.
Eventually the door was flung open and the second guard
announced “Her Royal Highness the Crown Princess of Femlandia and her Prince
Consort-to-be”
Out strode Princess Valerie, accompanied by a shuffling,
shambling Prince Richard.
The King and Queen looked up in shock from the bottom of the
steps.
“Betrothed.” Princess Valerie informed them, smugly.
“According to the traditional customs of Femlandia”
“I can see that” muttered the King, as the Prince raised his
head slightly to expose a heavy iron collar, with a chain sneaking off towards
the Princess’s left hand. “I’ve heard about those traditions of yours.”
“Richard!” the Queen called up sharply.  “Do you consent to this?”
The Prince consort-to-be glanced at his fiancée, who nodded
imperceptibly.
“Yes mama”, he replied, dejectedly.  “I made a deal.  She… did something that made me, well, made
me uncomfortably large. You know.  Down there.
“I can see that,
too!” exclaimed the King, as a heavy cylindrical object distorted the line of
the Prince’s trousers. “Wow!”
“Well, my boy, we must begin the celebrations
immediately!  Let the word go out to all
four quarters of the Kingdom that the lovely Princess, er… the lovely Princess..?”
But the lovely Princess and her followers – a word that now
includes young Richard – were heading to her coach.  The Princess climbed straight in, leaving
Richard to be secured to the side by his collar.
“Goodbye dearest mother-to-be!” she called out. “And you,
too”, she added with a look of disgust at the King.
“But, but… you will return, will you not?” the King gasped.
“Of course!” she called out, drawing her head back inside
the coach and giving the signal to move off. 
The horses started to turn the carriage around, and Richard jogged
around with it.
“But when?” both
parents wailed, at exactly the same time.
“When you’re DEAD, obviously!” came the cry from within, and
the whips cracked over the horses (accidentally catching Richard a nasty cut
across the shoulder) and the carriage lurched out of the courtyard, the heir to
the Kingdom desperately galloping alongside.

….
Several years passed. The King and Queen grew old before their
time, worn down by the cares their inadequately-equipped son had brought
them.  Rich men, well aware of what
Femlandian rule would bring, paid for the finest medical experts to come and
treat them, but in a few years the Queen had died of sorrow and the King was on
his deathbed.
Some attempts had been made to prepare the Kingdom for
Femlandian rule. There was a woman prime minister (but she wasn’t very good,
being neither strong nor stable) and many businesses had been made over to
female ownership. In schools, girls were educated in sciences and business,
while boys were taught needlework, cooking and how to simper attractively. 
Nonetheless, all men knew that the rule of Empress Valerie
the Vicious and Cruel of Femlandia would bring an end to the fair and happy
land they had known all their lives.  The
stories coming out of the Empire were too alarming not to take seriously, and
after all, men told one another, any empress who chose for herself the moniker ‘the vicious and cruel’ was probably no
pussycat.
But despite the best efforts of his physicians, the King
wasted and died. And a few days later, the armies of Femlandia invaded,
receiving the surrender of the local militia forces with little mercy, much
brutality and a moderate amount of violent sexual abuse.
The same carriage swept back into the same courtyard, now
decorated with the brutal red, white and black symbol of Her Imperial Highness,
Empress Valerie the Vicious and Cruel, Oppressor of the Western Isles, Scourge
of the Northern Wastes and Terror of the Eastern Deserts, to give her her full
title.  And trotting along at the side of
the carriage, the Prince Consort: older, considerably more scarred and with Her Imperial sigil burned proudly into his flesh – but still recognisably Prince
Richard.

Branding can be tricky but even an Empress will always prefer to do it herself, for that personal touch.
The Empress descended again and gazed around her with fierce
joy.
“I made you one other promise, maggot!” she called to her
long-suffering (oh, but she’d barely started) husband.  “Do you recall?”
He looked confused, and shook his head sorrowfully.
Empress Valerie laughed.
Do you recall her
promise, reader? Not merely that he would have a penis that was uncomfortably
large. That he acquired the very day he met his wife-to-be, and had
still, as the bracelet of the Goddess Kali had not left his flesh since that
fateful day.
No, the Princess had
also promised that when she and her blushing bridegroom finally reigned
together (in a manner of speaking) that he would have the largest penis in the
palace.  Do you remember that now,
dear reader? Because there will be a test. 
And consequences.
And the Empress, as she now was, always kept her
promises.  When she wanted to, anyway.
“Lock the palace gates” the Empress called.  “And summon the Imperial Gelding Squadron”.
She looked around the courtyard, at the men standing, or kneeling… mute, anxious, frightened.  She smiled, in satisfaction.
“They have work to do.”
And they all lived happi… well, not all of them, obviously,
but some of them were happy, I
suppose, some of the women anyway, and, look, She certainly lived very, very Happily Ever After, OK?  And that is what matters.
The End.

It’s ages since I wrote a story this long.  I don’t know if it’s just age or the Internet destroying attention span but I used to write lots of stories.  I find that I can only sustain interest for bite-sized captions and vignettes, these days.  Where was I… attention span… oh yes!  So anyway, writing stories is actually how I started.  My very first ever visit to a domme (was wonderful, utterly wonderful) and at the end of it, She commanded me to write up my session to publish on Her web site.  I did and She did and it’s still there, and I took to writing more things for her and Her friend.  Usually stories about them.
 Some of these old stories can be found by clicking on ‘Mistress Valerie’ in the word cloud there (although the first one that comes up, abput Christmas, doesn’t really work, I think).  They concern Mistress ‘Valerie’ and Her friend ‘Sandra’ , which are not quite their real names.  But Mistress Herself has now semi-retired, or at any rate developed a vanilla business so She wants a low web profile.


This isn’t a Valerie and Sandra story, but the Empress’s personality has a bit of ‘Valerie’ so I gave Her that name for old-times sake. If you want to read another fairy tale, that is a much closer description of the two ladies, try this.  That’s one of my all-time favourites, the others being this and this.
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