paddle – Page 6 – Contemplating the divine

Through the window

Oh, hi Mr Travis!

Are you leaning out just to say hi to me, or are you –

Oh dear. Again? Oh poor you. I think it’s awful the way she makes you bend over the window sill like that when she’s going to beat you. It must be so humiliating! I guess that’s part of the punishment, huh?

So what did you do this time?

Did you? Oh. We girls are quite particular about the way we have our dresses ironed. Ask your lodger next time – I might be able to give you some advice. Pleats are hard, though.

So is it the paddle again? I had a friend who used to get the paddle from his dad when I was a kid. He used to say it hurt like hell. One day his dad caught him saying that and paddled him double for profanity. Kinda fair, I guess.

No? Oh. I thought you got the paddle. What are you getting then?

A what? A “quirt”? What’s that?*

Oh. You mean, kind of like a whip? Oh boy, that sounds pretty rough. You get that just for messing up the ironing? Gee, you get whipped just for pleats not being straight. Your wife is kinda strict, huh?

Second time? Oh, OK. I guess you got the paddle last time, huh? Well, didn’t that make you kinda take extra care, this time, – and –

Yeah. Well, pleats are hard.

OK. Well anyway, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. I mean – I guess you’ll feel uncomfortable enough pretty soon! I’ll just swing here for a bit. I’ll try not to look at you, when –

Oh, hi Mrs Travis! How are you?

Yeah, pretty good. Isn’t it great that the sun’s out again? I could just be out here all day.

Hmmm? No, no he hasn’t been round with the lawnmower for a while. Well… yeah, he did say he would. But it’s OK. I quite like the grass this long. Any time’s fine.

No really, I don’t mind! I’m sure he had other things to do and – well, all right. I guess he’s your husband, huh?

Oh – and if he’s coming round anyway? Do you think he could cut back some of the bushes, going back to the garden house? Only they’re growing over the side and it’s… Well, I guess I could just ask him. But I thought I’d check with you first, because – oh wow, is that the ‘quirt’? Boy, I’m glad that’s not for me. Wow, that’s pretty serious, huh? What’s it like when it –

OH!

Oh my god! Did you just – ? Wow, that was a real crack, like a – oh my god. Are you sure he’s OK? He looks kinda – oh are you gonna do it agai – Oh MY GOD!

(Hurriedly) OK, well, I can see you guys want to get on with it so – OH! Wow! Three. That must really hurt! – yeah, I’ll just… actually, I left my book inside. See you!

The end

* this:

A snivelling little rat-faced git

That’s me! This phrase is what Google suggests when you start with ‘Snivelling little’. I was expecting ‘worm’, but then maybe the kinds of videos we watch (you and me, you know) are a bit of a minority taste…

There are also the Snivelling Shits, a punk band from the ’70s and their single ‘I can’t come’. I won’t include the usual YouTube link, because the song is terrible.

Heh – there’s some weird stuff on the Internet, isn’t there? Right then, on we go with the usual fare of mildly pornographic pictures of ladies looking stern, on which I’ve put down some of my sex fantasies. Enjoy.

OWK cricket completely lost on many readers

And nor do most of you, because according to the stats, you’re mostly Americans. It’s a bit like saying “home run”…or whatever it is you say. You know – when there’s a home run.

Actually, these days you can just book over the Internet. Much easier.

The future belongs to Tracy…and so, in time, will Roger.

Oh…wouldn’t that be just awful?

I wish I’d been there when my wife lost her virginity. It was on our wedding night, but she’d sent me out for more champagne.

But I am a worm, and no man; a reproach of men, and despised of the people.

Nothing so pervy as the Bible, is there?

On we go, mustn’t dawdle, only 2 more wanking days before Christmas.

We really need to fundamentally rethink our vision of society, to tackle climate change. Having lots of beautiful dommes around wearing leather would be a really good start, IMWO*.

Later he discovered that he could tell the difference between wines, as long as they were first passed through Anna. But by then, his career had moved on.

Don’t worry. If you didn’t look, you have nothing to be terrified about.

Evil twisted former secretary fantasy stuff

Well that’s a relief. The rumour around the office was that the woman doing these evaluations was a real man-hater who took pleasure in humiliating male staff.

Times are hard, you need the money and she hates the taste of semen. It’s perfect.

*IMWO = In My Worthless Opinion. I’m trying to start a meme, here.

No means no

Something too few men understand. When a woman says no, that’s just what she means. No you can’t stay out late. No you’re going to stay down there until I come. No, not after your behaviour this month. No, you signed the contract and that’s that. That sort of thing. Get used to it.

For some reason, that particular paddle is called “Angela”. She might call you at work, to let you know that Angela’s going to be coming around that evening, that kind of thing.

You can lead a slave to Mistress but you can't errr

It’s nice to know there’s someone to pop in to feed them, if need be, so you don’t need to leave them any use of their hands when you’re away for a week or two.

You’re allowed to discharge yourself, you know. You just need to fill out a form. You have to ask her for one. And a pen.

It was such a relief to their mother, whose arm used to get quite tired in the first days of their marriage.

It’s a bit like being a kid again, isn’t it? Those feelings of longing and anticipation for months before…and then it’s not exactly what you wanted, or it just doesn’t turn out as expected? Still, being able to deal with these feelings is what makes us grown-ups, right?