masturbation – Page 2 – Contemplating the divine

Her object all sublime

And they say romance is dead.

Remarkably, it’s still valid in the UK even after Brexit, as that Convention is not an EU instrument – indeed it predates it, having come into existence in 1953. Not particularly amusing, sexy or femdommy but actually true (see – you get a lot of useful information from this blog, as well as useless nonsense). You might wonder, therefore, whether she actually has any legal justification to ban the invocation of the Convention in session – but I advise you to take that up with her.

They have a standard service charge of 175% for pay-piggies. But you should tip, too.

Many men’s misconceptions about lesbian sex actually have a biological basis: specifically, their brains are too small to understand it.

It’s good that she gets a chance to practice in a safe environment, where it really doesn’t matter if anything goes wrong.

Extra one that I’ll push out there while it’s still a bit topical:

Think of all the fun I’ve missed

Oh, you can wait, surely? So selfish…

Males often don’t listen properly to women. The best thing, I find, when discussing something important, is to concentrate 100% on listening, not speaking. That way, there’s less danger of a painful misunderstanding.

Accessorise!

I wouldn’t say ‘peaked’ exactly. It continued to rise for a bit, then fell off a cliff, so to speak.

Christmas Special tomorrow on Contemplating the Divine! What’s special about it? Oh, well – the captions are all about Christmas! Like this one, y’know… not that special, I suppose. But then who among us is, apart from the ladies obviously?

Contumelious captions

Older husbands might start to find it hard to bend down every morning (and evening, obviously) for the greeting, but there’s a simple solution, especially after retirement – just stay on hands and knees all day.

Mock away.

If you wiggle about, he’ll probably finish quite quickly.

They know all the tricks. Actually, occasionally the ‘clients’ aren’t faking and are genuinely unconscious, but then if they’re hung up and severely whipped, they can’t feel it and no harm done? Right? Well, OK, technically some harm maybe, but nothing to get bothered about.

Yup. I was asked the other day if I’m sexually experienced and – with all due modesty – I did have to say that I thought the stain on the floor in front of my computer table could speak for itself on that particular score! She looked suitably impressed.

Domestic goddesses

She didn’t actually write all of the lyrics herself of course, but she suggested the basic themes.

Don’t feel bad about the waste of electricity, though: no electricity used by a woman to shock a man is ever truly wasted.

And if you don’t like the red colour, the marks come in purple and black too as long as you go long enough.

The goddess on the left is the lovely Miss Zoe. The one on the right is not.

She was a spectacularly naughty schoolgirl, I’ve heard.

Well, my arm’s not tired either, so why shouldn’t I? Honestly, women say the strangest – ah, no, let me go, please Ma’am, don’t!

Maybe I’m just stupid

I thought we’d got it sorted. (NB: link is not femdom-related, unless you have the same sorts of fantasies about Louise Wener as I do).

Ah, those far off heterosexual days.

The game of ‘fetch’ is actually harder than it looks.

Once she’d explained her idea, they agreed that it was safe. Not consensual – obviously – and quite possibly not sane, but safe enough, probably, so they just decided to go for it.

He’s lucky. My
SO usually decides I’m too busy to take even 15 seconds out of my busy
schedule and of course I have to agree with her about that.

I think she’s right: she probably should have used a different bat. But those big heavy ones have their uses, too.