It is to laugh

As you know, this blog occasionally takes a light-hearted approach to our beloved theme of femdom, gently poking fun at some of its clichés and foibles.  And of course, the blog also deals with topics such as testicle-crushing, burial alive, betrayal, murder, blackmail, torture and forced lobotomies – but always with a tongue firmly in someone’s cheek.  In almost precisely the words of the late, great Bob Monkhouse: “People laughed
when I told them I was planning to publish a humorous femdom blog. They’re not laughing
now.”



I know of three other blogs that also poke fun in an affectionate way at our shared obsession, so here are some links in case any of you haven’t come across them yet:


Editor Domme has a particular focus on femdom captions, handing out merciless correction to those which transgress the rules of grammar, abuse homonyms or lack any basic coherence.  The wise Editrix keeps all us captioners on our toes, as awfull punishments await those she catches.*

Much like mine, the Tiresome Sex Tropes blog consists almost entirely of overused, tired femdom stereotypes.  Unlike mine, it takes issue with them, rather than merely doing them to death.  After all, do we really want to spend all our time looking at pictures of young beautiful women wearing leather, latex or starched white blouses, captioned to be saying menacing things?  Hmm? I mean, doesn’t that get boring after a while?  Wouldn’t we rather look at… I dunno, scenic shots of colourful markets in developing countries?  Anyway, I am proud to have been sufficiently tiresome to feature twice already on the TST blog (and I’m only getting started).


Finally, Poorly Dressed Dominatrix is a blog featuring images of… oh, just try to guess.  Perhaps a little crueller than the others**, but I think the mocking is gently affectionate. Plus, the majority of images it features look more like general glamour models who have put on a corset (on one memorable occasion, upside-down), picked up a whip and tried to look fierce for the camera***, rather than real pro-dommes who, after all, are doing their best to provide an essential service in often difficult circumstances – and always look perfect.  It hasn’t been updated for a couple of months, so perhaps there’s no more bad fetish fashion around any more. Job done?


I think all three blogs are great and I check on them regularly.

Right.  Now, if you’ve visited all three, I expect you’re ready for some images of immaculately dressed dominatrices, each image accompanied by a witty caption expressing an entirely original femdom notion in perfect English.  

Sadly, I only have these to offer:










* Splendidly, the existence of the Editor Domme blog means that from now on I can always claim that any spelling or grammatical error committed here is a deliberate attempt to attract the wrath of the stern Editrix.  And those committed before her blog even started, erm, were probably just deliberately anticipating such fun!


** Editor Domme is of course occasionally quite cruel to caption writers.  But that’s just fine.  Ma’am.


*** I’ll confess I do actually quite like this look.  As long as they don’t try to do that thing of looking fierce by drawing back their lips to snarl at the camera.  Particularly if they try to hold that expression for the entire shoot.  Darlings: you’re lovely, but that’s not the way to look scary.

Adult content warning

Persons proceeding past this point will encounter no genuinely adult content whatsoever, merely juvenile humour and sexual innuendo written by someone with the emotional intelligence of a teenager. You have been warned.

Let’s hope he enjoyed wishes 1 and 2.


Not very politically correct. Perhaps I need to be politically corrected.

Don’t worry, she’ll give him a 10% discount for all those extra hours.

These gender roles are essentially all social constructs anyway.  Why should we have to conform to a role because of what sex we are?  What if I choose not to do the housework, hmm? Well… I get tied across a chair and thrashed, obviously. But I could if I wanted to.. and didn’t mind the beating. That’s the point.






Self-harming is such a waste.  When there are people out there who’d love to do it for you.

More advice to a novice sub – jargon busting

No, not ball busting.  Jargon busting!  As an experienced visitor of pro-dommes I am always happy to share my wisdom with nervous young subs seeking their first taste of the forbidden fruit that is a femdom session.  So I wrote two posts a while ago, trying to provide some of the most important tips. They went down very well, with several readers contacting me to let me know that they had tried my suggestions and survived. 

But, you know, there’s a lot more as well. Like any specialised subject, the world of BDSM is rife with its own phrases and acronyms and they can leave novices hopelessly confused. So here is Servitor’s jargon buster – all those puzzling terms explained. 

Write to me in the comments and let me know how you get on, newbies!

MILF. This is an acronym for “Mistress I’ve Lately Found”,
so it’s a perfect way to address any new domme you approach.  It can be particularly effective with more
mature ladies, though, as they are less familiar with the Internet, so these
acronyms are fresher to them.


Scat. This is a form of puppy play.  The puppy should lie on his back, paws
waggling in happy adoration of his goddess. 
She will stand menacingly over him for a while, then later order him to ‘scat!’
– meaning go away.  You don’t even need to arrange this in advance – just lie there, look up at her with those big puppy eyes, and say “Scat please, Mistress!”.  She’ll know what to do.
 Some dommes like to put newspaper down before a scat session, or even plastic sheeting, to make the puppy play more realistic – but don’t take this as a licence to do anything disgusting! 
I am afraid that I am not allowed to post upskirt pictures on this blog (because I am not allowed to look at them), so I can’t show the actual scat moment.  But I think it’s clear that it’ll be arriving soon, in this session!  Mmmm.  Puppy play is so cute.

Humbler.  This is a
complex and subtle form of psychological BDSM, in which the sub is given a
small token of his Mistress’s regard – used panties, quite often – and left
alone to contemplate them and his relationship to Her, for a few hours before a
session.  Even the strictest Mistresses
will usually allow unlimited masturbation during this time, as the point is to arrive
at the session sexually relaxed, to spend it in peaceful adoration.  Mistresses enjoy these quieter sessions
occasionally, so don’t be afraid to ask to arrive early – or even the night before
– to be put in a humbler.
Asking for an overnight humbler experience before tomorrow’s session.  She’s just warning him that his balls might be quite sore in the morning.  Obviously an experienced mistress who knows just many times he’s likely to bring himself to orgasm!

Forced bi.  A
double-domme session, in which one of the ladies only arrives after the sub is placed
in strict bondage.
This boy’s particularly lucky, because his Mistress not only agreed to arrange a forced bi session, she even asked him if he was up for a blow job!  I mean, duh – who isn’t, eh?!  Let’s hope her friend is pretty.


Sound.  Many subs
prefer their sessions to be carried out in total silence, so if you don’t want
this ask your domme whether she does ‘sounds’.
This sub asked for a double-domme medical session with lot of ‘sounds’. Just the thing for those who prefer their BDSM to be gently psychologically menacing rather than truly painful.  After all, sounds can’t really hurt you. Sticks and stones, and all that…


Bitch play.  Almost all dommes like to finish a puppy play session by making
love – doggie style! When you’re ready for this, show you want her to switch
into the animal role by calling her a ‘bitch’ – or, if you think
she might not realise you’re ready for sex, ‘fucking bitch’ just so she knows what’s expected of her.

You know what you want.  She wants it too – but you have to ask!

Judicial caning.  This
is the CP session to go for if you are new and nervous. Many men actually have
little idea of their real tolerance for pain, so if you ask for a ‘judicial
session’, she will carefully (‘judiciously’ – you see?) monitor how much she is inflicting
and will stop when you’ve had enough, so no safeword is required.



Remember, the world of BDSM is really quite playful.  You’d be surprised how many of the fiercest disciplinarians will accede to a humble request for the caning to be applied ‘judicial’ style, especially if you show them how much you trust them by requesting restraints and a gag.



Non-commercial break

As I am sure many of you already know, Google enforces a rule that its blogs tagged as adult content cannot advertise, take paid links and so on.  I suppose some bloggers might find this unfair, but actually I quite like it. 

In today’s hyper-commercialised world, in which we are bombarded with advertisements from all sides and every other scene in a movie seems to feature a corporate logo prominently displayed in every shot, it’s good to have a little space where the content is all that there is.

Long may it last, I say.

Anyway, here are today’s captioned images.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advice to a novice sub – Part 2

Many readers of this blog ask me questions, and not all of them are of the “Why don’t you just fuck off and die, Servitor?” form, either.  I know you regard me as a kind of wise old man of femdom, and after I published a blog post last year with a few choice tips for submissives less experienced than I am in visiting professional dominant ladies, the response was overwhelming and – in a few cases – not entirely contemptuous.

So, mindful of the fact that you don’t know my real name or address, and so you can’t sue me for any consequences, here is another batch of Servitor’s tips for any subs considering a visit to a pro-domme.



Any flavour except vanilla

… or raspberry ripple.  I really hate raspberry ripple.  


Goodness, I hope none of the dommes with whom I  have the honour of serving from time to time read this blog and find out my little secret.  They might force me to eat raspberry ripple ice cream in session.  How awful that would be!

Monthly renewal of chastity
‘We’ are indeed trying.  Fortunately, only one of ‘us’ has to succeed, doesn’t she?




CNFM shopping
You ever had one of those dreams?  When you’re naked, surrounded by a hundred jeering, mocking beautiful women?  And you can’t speak and you can’t seem to run, but then you have to do a little dance for them and… and then you wake up.  And realise it was only a dream?  Always such a fucking disappointment.



Femdom space programme
She’s been working too on a better recovery system.  Crashing into a net is fine but it’s just not very… fetish, you know?  So she’s been working on something involving combining an aircraft carrier’s ‘arrestor hook’ system, with various anal toys.  All top secret just now, I’m afraid, so I don’t know any more details than that.
This is the divine Mistress Ezada Sinn, if you didn’t know that already




Lovely Clara
Lucky George.  Sharp-eyed observers of more than one ‘scene’ might spot a reference here to an earlier post.

Boyfriends, eh? Always spoiling the fun! Why can’t she just do her own beating up? I’d go for that. I’d even pay.




Despised and rejected by women

…whenever I get the chance, but usually I have to pay for the privilege.  Ah well.

Mistress Eleise blonde joke
I like a domme with a sense of humour.  But actually, I’ve always been able to make girls laugh.  I remember my very first date – in school the next day, she and all her friends giggled whenever they saw me.  Just a knack.
 I try to identify and pay hommage to featured pro-dommes here, after downloading, lusting after and defacing their pictures.  But does anyone not know this is Mistress Eleise de Lacey already?  I mean, really?  Come on guys – do try to pay attention.
 
 

Superglue femdom
Dommes: don’t try this at home.  You can chip off the paintwork.  Do it at his place, instead.
 
 
 

More pig-sticking
Good luck, George.



Annabels will
I’ll bet she does.
This lady – Lady Annabelle – doesn’t feature here quite as much as Ms de Lacey.  But she’s very lovely too (and has a wonderful voice) and you can find more pics and video of her here, you lucky little perverts.
 
 
 
Castration fetish
Well, I think it’s disgusting.  Reading a squalid little porno blog like that.  Yuk.


Advice to a novice sub

As a well-respected member of the BDSM community, I am often asked questions by novices to the scene.  These are usually along the lines of “Why are your captions so fuckin’ lame, loser?”, but just occasionally someone requests my advice.  And of course, I am always happy to oblige. 

Naturally, all my experiences in the scene have involved paying pro-dommes – it’s not as if anyone’s going to spend much time in my sweaty presence unless they’re well compensated for it! But within this very limited sphere I have, I think, acquired some expertise – I might almost go so far as to say wisdom.  And I am very happy now to share some of these insights with you, my loyal readership.

So, without further wittering: some advice to a novice sub.  In the form of captions.  Obviously.





 



The ladies featuring so beautifully, and misleadingly, in this post were (from the top):

Divine Mistress Heather
A lovely lady from Schoolmistress Fantasy
Lady Sophia Black
Mistress Eleise de Lacey
Mistress Darla (now retired I understand, but here from The English Mansion)
Miss Jessica Wood (who – you can be quite sure – most definitely wood not!).

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