Category: humour(?)

The other side of BDSM

As the intro to this blog says, we don’t generally feature a lot of material here that will be of interest to the dominant male.  About a year ago, I ran an experimental ‘female submissive’ post, but it didn’t really take.  However, that’s not to say that Contemplating the Divine doesn’t recognise that there’s a whole side of BDSM almost uncovered here – the viewpoint of the male dom.

Sometimes it seems almost as though maledom and femdom are two separate worlds but there are many who are prepared to reach out across the divide and today we’ll be celebrating “We love our Maledom allies” day – featuring short introductions and profiles to some of the dominant men who’ve been prepared to learn a bit more about the femdom scene.  Maybe we’ll learn a bit more about what gets a bear or a bull’s rocks off as we do, eh?

So here we go.


First up, we have Master Eric, here!  Master Eric likes dressing in leather, considers himself a ‘bear’ and is very much into the whole Daddy/daughter scene.  Master Eric first got interested in femdom when he was picked up in a leather bar by two lovely ladies who told him they needed punishing for their uncontrollable lesbian lusts and he’s been with them ever since.

Say hello, Master Eric! 

OK, he’s a little shy.  Anyway, Master Eric’s favourite things are blowjobs and redheads in tight bondage and I’m told your least favourite things are hot-waxing and ironing, is that right Eric?

What’s that?  You actually love your hairless body and you’re grateful to Miss Erica and Miss Cindy for allowing you to do their ironing?  Oh, OK.  I must have been misinformed.  Great to meet you, anyway, Master Eric! 

Can you give us a curtsey, Master Eric?



Next up we have Sir Rodney.  Sir Rodney still goes along to those BDSM clubs where he used to hang out before he started to get interested in the femdom lifestyle.  He even spends a lot of time with some of his old dom friends when he does, although he likes to remain anonymous behind the gimp mask you can see him in below.  Unlike many doms, Sir Rodney says he really hates blow jobs!  See – and you thought all male doms were much the same.  Anyway, do say hello if you ever come across him.


Sir Rodney, the gallant knight, all suited up and ready to do his duty!



Now our third dominant guest is someone you might have heard of: ‘The Mountain Man’?  Mountain Man illustrates a little-remarked feature of the maledom lifestyle: without a woman’s touch, the lifestyle can get a bit unhealthy.  Mountain Man here used to eat nothing but steaks – as rare as he could get it – and let’s face it, that’s not going to give you the roughage you need as you get older.  But nowadays Mountain Man eats a vegetarian diet.  What’s that you’re eating Mountain Man?  Diced carrot with mashed turnip?  Mmmm.  Sounds good.  And stewed prune to follow too?  You’re a lucky guy, Mountain Man, you know that?


Mountain Man’s vegetarian diet helps keep his bowel movements regular and healthy, as do the twice-daily enemas.








Now our next guest has only recently started to get into the femdom scene – just two days ago, I believe.  Meet Headmaster George.  Headmaster George thinks nothing of taking an adult schoolgirl and bending her over his desk for six of the best with his cane.  A good swishing never did anyone any harm, eh Headmaster George?  Headmaster George?  


Obviously got something else on his mind.  He is just about to go off for yet another school roleplay session, after all.  Must be quite a treat, after all those years trying to find women desperate enough for cash to help satisfy his unpleasant urges.


Headmaster
George’s education in femdom is just beginning – but already he’s
learnt that there’s more than one way schoolgirls can be naughty, and
despite his many years of experience, I think he’s finding out new
things about the strap, the cane and the tawse as well.  That’s just the
spirit of independent inquiry – backed up by rote learning, obviously –
that this blog post is all about.  


Well done Headmaster George!


Headmaster George is curently in detention. Probably quite a long detention – but that’s OK, plenty of his former ‘schoolgirl’ playmates to keep him busy.


And finally, we have Derek!  Well, this lady below does, anyway.  Derek’s never been to a BDSM club, never smacked a girl’s bottom in his life.  Have you, Derek?  But his mother found a little stash of magazines full of bound-up bondage beauties and realised that this was something she didn’t know so much about but that her sister Agatha, who used to teach at a reformatory school, probably would.  Anyway, to cut a long story short, Agatha agreed to take over his upbringing and he’s been with her ever since.  Maybe one day he’ll get a chance to live his dreams of having a young woman helplessly bound at his disposal.  He’ll have to see what Agatha’s young friend Clarissa thinks, that’s all.  She’s going to marry him – but it’s a secret, OK?  They thought it would be more fun for him if the wedding came as a surprise.

Derek has a lovely cooling dip on a hot summer’s day. He also takes lovely cooling dips on cold winter days, but fortunately his Aunt Agatha knows lots of ways of warming him up.

And that’s that!  See – those big dominant males weren’t as macho and hardcore as we all thought, eh?  And it just goes to show how tolerant and welcoming the world of femdom truly is. And if any maledoms are reading this – why not give it a go? What’s the worst that could happen, after all?

There you go. Back to normal service – oh, when April’s properly under way I expect.  If for some reason there are no more blog posts it’s probably because I have gone off to invade Norway.  Do Norwegian soldiers ever abuse prisoners of war? Goodness, I hope so.

Suitable treatment

Ah… the second childhood. I’m looking forward to that.

(sorry)

Therapy can be painful.

Quite a therapeutic theme today.  Using boys for anger management makes a lot of sense: it can work off a lot of tension and no one who matters gets hurt.

Little does she know I’m a humiliation freak as well as a service-oriented submissive, so being despised is just all part of the fun!



Hmmm… just noticed that my favourite Tumblr cuandolasmujeresmanden has just disappeared.  Damn! I know there’s about a billion femdom image reposting Tumblrs but cuando somehow just managed precisely to match my own perverted tastes .  And only posted high quality pictures too.  First ‘Femdom Times’ goes into hibernation for ever and now this.  Does Tumblr close down ‘adult’ blogs?  I must say, I can’t quite see the point, given that there’d still be 999,999,999 of them left.

Grrrr….   If anyone has a particular recommendation feel free to share it in the comments.  No blogs with nekkid women, granny porn or really icky things being done to men’s genitals and shown in close-up please.  Just good healthy bondage and discipline.  And humiliation, contempt and cruelty.

So a domme, her gimp and her money pig walk into a bar…




Yeah, I wanna report a 
missing sub.

You know – submissive? 
Like a slave?

Well of course consensual. 
Actually he begged.

OK, so he went missing this morning.  We kind of left him in the forest and then we
couldn’t find him, so – 

Yeah, sure we looked. Five minutes at least.  Maybe longer.

You need a description?  Right.

OK, so he’s about fifty years old, naked, shackled at hands
and ankles, with his cock locked in a spiked tube.  Er… recently lost a lot of weight, so his
skin kinda hangs off him in wrinkles, his back and ass are covered in whip
marks, he has cigarette burns all over his thighs and his mouth is forced wide open
with a serrated spreader gag, with a tongue clamp attached.  But he can
make a few sounds, and he answers to the name of 
– 

What?  Did you say
‘Lucky’?  Why would he answer to the name
‘Lucky’?
Well, why would you think I was going to say that? That’s not his name.  I was gonna tell you his name.

An old joke?  Is it? Oh, OK.  I guess.  I don’t
really get jokes, actually.  Never
had much of a sense of humour.  Just ask anyone… especially my subs.  
Yeah, no problem.  Answers
to the name of ‘Useless Fucktard’ anyway.

Sure.  OK, I’ll give
you my number and let me know if you find him, OK?  No, I don’t want regular updates. If you find
him, great, but if you don’t it’s no big deal.

OK, thanks.  Bye!

The photo that makes this otherwise pointless story, errr, pointful, is of course from American Mean Girls (they seem to have expanded out from Miami).  As I’ve said before, the ‘bratty’ teenage humiliatrix thing usually doesn’t do it for me, but maybe that’s because it’s normally done very badly.  I think this site is really very good indeed and it definitely does do it for me, so I recommend a visit.

Effortless superiority

Oh well. Being beaten by Simon’s no fun, but there’ll be other guests who want a go too, so…
It’s good when fetishes are complementary* like that.  A friend of mine went on a date with a girl he really fancied, who turned out to have a castration fetish – and that just wasn’t his thing at all. So he hasn’t dated her since.  Or anyone, come to think of it.   Sad, really.
Of course, it’s not just about penis length.  Girth matters too.
Crush fetish again!
Oh.  OK.  (Damn!)





* Now come on, EditorDomme!  Is there another fetish blog anywhere on the Internet that knows the difference between complementary and complimentary?  As you know I take (and ocasionally receive) a lot of pains over my grammar.  I could of just written any old rubbish, but I choose my words with care.




Note: due to technical incompetence out of my control, I don’t have a good record of which captions I posted between July and October this year (and I am not looking through all the blog posts to check…).  So any males reading this who see a caption they’ve seen here before can do some work, for once in their lazy, feckless lives, and let me know in the comments.

Subjugated

Ah… reminds me of my collaring ceremony.  It happened right here, actually, not three feet away from where I am crouching right now.
I’m very aware of sexism in the workplace, being one of the more inferior members of the inferior gender.
I don’t understand men who send women pictures of their penises.  I mean, it’s just asking for trouble.  Like waving a raw steak in front of a hungry leopard.
On the plus side, his steel tube is a lot bigger than mine or yours.
You say “Yes, please”.


Hyperaggressive femininity

Sometimes, it’s not the joke but how you tell it.  I can always get my SO to laugh in session by telling a long joke, as long as I’m screaming and pleading hysterically for mercy as I try to get the words out.

Sorry about the joke, by the way.  Works better with nuns… one of the few things that does.

 

Oh well.  Potentially there’s reincarnation to look forward to, I guess.

 

Typical woman.  Why not just discuss it straight away?  So much more efficient.

 

That’s not strictly accurate.  He actually can complain.  As much as he likes really.

 

Reminds me of the way my SO ‘helps’ me with the housework sometimes,

Advice to a novice sissy maid

It’s been ages since we had any posts with Servitor’s tips for novice subs. So long, in fact, that many of you probably have no idea what I’m even talking about, in which case you should educate yourselves by clicking here and also here.  How can you expect to enjoy this blog if you haven’t done all the reading, hmm?


I am of course more experienced at visiting professional dominatrices than ever now.  In fact, I understand there are even forums on the Internet where dommes can share my mobile number and email, to put me on a ‘don’t call’ blacklist.  Ah… they love to play hard to get, the cunning little minxes!  But I have my ways of oozing past their defences.


But it’s not all about my pleasure, and I like to share the wisdom, so here once again are some top tips for a novice submissive. This time, it’s a sissy maid special!  If you’re planning to book a sissy maid session, make sure you read all of these first, OK?  You might even find it helpful to write each out 200 times.  You naughty girl.  Oooh!


That was very British.  I’m sure American and other readers can supply appropriate geographic equivalents of the East End and industrial North, if need be.  Brooklyn, maybe?  ‘Chavvy’ translates more or less to ‘trailer trash’.




Oh – and an extra tip?  If you’re permitted to reach orgasm at
the end of your maid’s session and you make a mess, don’t worry.  She understands that you won’t feel like doing any more cleaning, once
you’re no longer feeling sexy.  She’ll clean it up after you’re
gone.

IMPORTANT advice warning!
The information on this blog is of a general nature.
It does not take your specific needs or circumstances into
consideration, so you should look at your own financial position, pain threshold and courage before acting upon any of the advice presented here.  Contemplating the Divine is not responsible for any injury or loss of life and property resulting from any such action.  Sissy maids should always bear in mind that stocks are inherently risky, and that hours spent locked into one can result in severe discomfort.

It is to laugh

As you know, this blog occasionally takes a light-hearted approach to our beloved theme of femdom, gently poking fun at some of its clichés and foibles.  And of course, the blog also deals with topics such as testicle-crushing, burial alive, betrayal, murder, blackmail, torture and forced lobotomies – but always with a tongue firmly in someone’s cheek.  In almost precisely the words of the late, great Bob Monkhouse: “People laughed
when I told them I was planning to publish a humorous femdom blog. They’re not laughing
now.”


I know of three other blogs that also poke fun in an affectionate way at our shared obsession, so here are some links in case any of you haven’t come across them yet:


Editor Domme has a particular focus on femdom captions, handing out merciless correction to those which transgress the rules of grammar, abuse homonyms or lack any basic coherence.  The wise Editrix keeps all us captioners on our toes, as awfull punishments await those she catches.*

Much like mine, the Tiresome Sex Tropes blog consists almost entirely of overused, tired femdom stereotypes.  Unlike mine, it takes issue with them, rather than merely doing them to death.  After all, do we really want to spend all our time looking at pictures of young beautiful women wearing leather, latex or starched white blouses, captioned to be saying menacing things?  Hmm? I mean, doesn’t that get boring after a while?  Wouldn’t we rather look at… I dunno, scenic shots of colourful markets in developing countries?  Anyway, I am proud to have been sufficiently tiresome to feature twice already on the TST blog (and I’m only getting started).


Finally, Poorly Dressed Dominatrix is a blog featuring images of… oh, just try to guess.  Perhaps a little crueller than the others**, but I think the mocking is gently affectionate. Plus, the majority of images it features look more like general glamour models who have put on a corset (on one memorable occasion, upside-down), picked up a whip and tried to look fierce for the camera***, rather than real pro-dommes who, after all, are doing their best to provide an essential service in often difficult circumstances – and always look perfect.  It hasn’t been updated for a couple of months, so perhaps there’s no more bad fetish fashion around any more. Job done?


I think all three blogs are great and I check on them regularly.

Right.  Now, if you’ve visited all three, I expect you’re ready for some images of immaculately dressed dominatrices, each image accompanied by a witty caption expressing an entirely original femdom notion in perfect English.  

Sadly, I only have these to offer:










* Splendidly, the existence of the Editor Domme blog means that from now on I can always claim that any spelling or grammatical error committed here is a deliberate attempt to attract the wrath of the stern Editrix.  And those committed before her blog even started, erm, were probably just deliberately anticipating such fun!


** Editor Domme is of course occasionally quite cruel to caption writers.  But that’s just fine.  Ma’am.


*** I’ll confess I do actually quite like this look.  As long as they don’t try to do that thing of looking fierce by drawing back their lips to snarl at the camera.  Particularly if they try to hold that expression for the entire shoot.  Darlings: you’re lovely, but that’s not the way to look scary.

Adult content warning

Persons proceeding past this point will encounter no genuinely adult content whatsoever, merely juvenile humour and sexual innuendo written by someone with the emotional intelligence of a teenager. You have been warned.

Let’s hope he enjoyed wishes 1 and 2.


Not very politically correct. Perhaps I need to be politically corrected.

Don’t worry, she’ll give him a 10% discount for all those extra hours.

These gender roles are essentially all social constructs anyway.  Why should we have to conform to a role because of what sex we are?  What if I choose not to do the housework, hmm? Well… I get tied across a chair and thrashed, obviously. But I could if I wanted to.. and didn’t mind the beating. That’s the point.






Self-harming is such a waste.  When there are people out there who’d love to do it for you.