Category: humour(?)

So a domme, her gimp and her money pig walk into a bar…




Yeah, I wanna report a 
missing sub.

You know – submissive? 
Like a slave?

Well of course consensual. 
Actually he begged.

OK, so he went missing this morning.  We kind of left him in the forest and then we
couldn’t find him, so – 

Yeah, sure we looked. Five minutes at least.  Maybe longer.

You need a description?  Right.

OK, so he’s about fifty years old, naked, shackled at hands
and ankles, with his cock locked in a spiked tube.  Er… recently lost a lot of weight, so his
skin kinda hangs off him in wrinkles, his back and ass are covered in whip
marks, he has cigarette burns all over his thighs and his mouth is forced wide open
with a serrated spreader gag, with a tongue clamp attached.  But he can
make a few sounds, and he answers to the name of 
– 

What?  Did you say
‘Lucky’?  Why would he answer to the name
‘Lucky’?
Well, why would you think I was going to say that? That’s not his name.  I was gonna tell you his name.

An old joke?  Is it? Oh, OK.  I guess.  I don’t
really get jokes, actually.  Never
had much of a sense of humour.  Just ask anyone… especially my subs.  
Yeah, no problem.  Answers
to the name of ‘Useless Fucktard’ anyway.

Sure.  OK, I’ll give
you my number and let me know if you find him, OK?  No, I don’t want regular updates. If you find
him, great, but if you don’t it’s no big deal.

OK, thanks.  Bye!

The photo that makes this otherwise pointless story, errr, pointful, is of course from American Mean Girls (they seem to have expanded out from Miami).  As I’ve said before, the ‘bratty’ teenage humiliatrix thing usually doesn’t do it for me, but maybe that’s because it’s normally done very badly.  I think this site is really very good indeed and it definitely does do it for me, so I recommend a visit.

Effortless superiority

Oh well. Being beaten by Simon’s no fun, but there’ll be other guests who want a go too, so…
It’s good when fetishes are complementary* like that.  A friend of mine went on a date with a girl he really fancied, who turned out to have a castration fetish – and that just wasn’t his thing at all. So he hasn’t dated her since.  Or anyone, come to think of it.   Sad, really.
Of course, it’s not just about penis length.  Girth matters too.
Crush fetish again!
Oh.  OK.  (Damn!)





* Now come on, EditorDomme!  Is there another fetish blog anywhere on the Internet that knows the difference between complementary and complimentary?  As you know I take (and ocasionally receive) a lot of pains over my grammar.  I could of just written any old rubbish, but I choose my words with care.




Note: due to technical incompetence out of my control, I don’t have a good record of which captions I posted between July and October this year (and I am not looking through all the blog posts to check…).  So any males reading this who see a caption they’ve seen here before can do some work, for once in their lazy, feckless lives, and let me know in the comments.

Subjugated

Ah… reminds me of my collaring ceremony.  It happened right here, actually, not three feet away from where I am crouching right now.
I’m very aware of sexism in the workplace, being one of the more inferior members of the inferior gender.
I don’t understand men who send women pictures of their penises.  I mean, it’s just asking for trouble.  Like waving a raw steak in front of a hungry leopard.
On the plus side, his steel tube is a lot bigger than mine or yours.
You say “Yes, please”.


Hyperaggressive femininity

Sometimes, it’s not the joke but how you tell it.  I can always get my SO to laugh in session by telling a long joke, as long as I’m screaming and pleading hysterically for mercy as I try to get the words out.

Sorry about the joke, by the way.  Works better with nuns… one of the few things that does.

 

Oh well.  Potentially there’s reincarnation to look forward to, I guess.

 

Typical woman.  Why not just discuss it straight away?  So much more efficient.

 

That’s not strictly accurate.  He actually can complain.  As much as he likes really.

 

Reminds me of the way my SO ‘helps’ me with the housework sometimes,

Advice to a novice sissy maid

It’s been ages since we had any posts with Servitor’s tips for novice subs. So long, in fact, that many of you probably have no idea what I’m even talking about, in which case you should educate yourselves by clicking here and also here.  How can you expect to enjoy this blog if you haven’t done all the reading, hmm?


I am of course more experienced at visiting professional dominatrices than ever now.  In fact, I understand there are even forums on the Internet where dommes can share my mobile number and email, to put me on a ‘don’t call’ blacklist.  Ah… they love to play hard to get, the cunning little minxes!  But I have my ways of oozing past their defences.


But it’s not all about my pleasure, and I like to share the wisdom, so here once again are some top tips for a novice submissive. This time, it’s a sissy maid special!  If you’re planning to book a sissy maid session, make sure you read all of these first, OK?  You might even find it helpful to write each out 200 times.  You naughty girl.  Oooh!


That was very British.  I’m sure American and other readers can supply appropriate geographic equivalents of the East End and industrial North, if need be.  Brooklyn, maybe?  ‘Chavvy’ translates more or less to ‘trailer trash’.




Oh – and an extra tip?  If you’re permitted to reach orgasm at
the end of your maid’s session and you make a mess, don’t worry.  She understands that you won’t feel like doing any more cleaning, once
you’re no longer feeling sexy.  She’ll clean it up after you’re
gone.

IMPORTANT advice warning!
The information on this blog is of a general nature.
It does not take your specific needs or circumstances into
consideration, so you should look at your own financial position, pain threshold and courage before acting upon any of the advice presented here.  Contemplating the Divine is not responsible for any injury or loss of life and property resulting from any such action.  Sissy maids should always bear in mind that stocks are inherently risky, and that hours spent locked into one can result in severe discomfort.

It is to laugh

As you know, this blog occasionally takes a light-hearted approach to our beloved theme of femdom, gently poking fun at some of its clichés and foibles.  And of course, the blog also deals with topics such as testicle-crushing, burial alive, betrayal, murder, blackmail, torture and forced lobotomies – but always with a tongue firmly in someone’s cheek.  In almost precisely the words of the late, great Bob Monkhouse: “People laughed
when I told them I was planning to publish a humorous femdom blog. They’re not laughing
now.”


I know of three other blogs that also poke fun in an affectionate way at our shared obsession, so here are some links in case any of you haven’t come across them yet:


Editor Domme has a particular focus on femdom captions, handing out merciless correction to those which transgress the rules of grammar, abuse homonyms or lack any basic coherence.  The wise Editrix keeps all us captioners on our toes, as awfull punishments await those she catches.*

Much like mine, the Tiresome Sex Tropes blog consists almost entirely of overused, tired femdom stereotypes.  Unlike mine, it takes issue with them, rather than merely doing them to death.  After all, do we really want to spend all our time looking at pictures of young beautiful women wearing leather, latex or starched white blouses, captioned to be saying menacing things?  Hmm? I mean, doesn’t that get boring after a while?  Wouldn’t we rather look at… I dunno, scenic shots of colourful markets in developing countries?  Anyway, I am proud to have been sufficiently tiresome to feature twice already on the TST blog (and I’m only getting started).


Finally, Poorly Dressed Dominatrix is a blog featuring images of… oh, just try to guess.  Perhaps a little crueller than the others**, but I think the mocking is gently affectionate. Plus, the majority of images it features look more like general glamour models who have put on a corset (on one memorable occasion, upside-down), picked up a whip and tried to look fierce for the camera***, rather than real pro-dommes who, after all, are doing their best to provide an essential service in often difficult circumstances – and always look perfect.  It hasn’t been updated for a couple of months, so perhaps there’s no more bad fetish fashion around any more. Job done?


I think all three blogs are great and I check on them regularly.

Right.  Now, if you’ve visited all three, I expect you’re ready for some images of immaculately dressed dominatrices, each image accompanied by a witty caption expressing an entirely original femdom notion in perfect English.  

Sadly, I only have these to offer:










* Splendidly, the existence of the Editor Domme blog means that from now on I can always claim that any spelling or grammatical error committed here is a deliberate attempt to attract the wrath of the stern Editrix.  And those committed before her blog even started, erm, were probably just deliberately anticipating such fun!


** Editor Domme is of course occasionally quite cruel to caption writers.  But that’s just fine.  Ma’am.


*** I’ll confess I do actually quite like this look.  As long as they don’t try to do that thing of looking fierce by drawing back their lips to snarl at the camera.  Particularly if they try to hold that expression for the entire shoot.  Darlings: you’re lovely, but that’s not the way to look scary.

Adult content warning

Persons proceeding past this point will encounter no genuinely adult content whatsoever, merely juvenile humour and sexual innuendo written by someone with the emotional intelligence of a teenager. You have been warned.

Let’s hope he enjoyed wishes 1 and 2.


Not very politically correct. Perhaps I need to be politically corrected.

Don’t worry, she’ll give him a 10% discount for all those extra hours.

These gender roles are essentially all social constructs anyway.  Why should we have to conform to a role because of what sex we are?  What if I choose not to do the housework, hmm? Well… I get tied across a chair and thrashed, obviously. But I could if I wanted to.. and didn’t mind the beating. That’s the point.






Self-harming is such a waste.  When there are people out there who’d love to do it for you.

More advice to a novice sub – jargon busting

No, not ball busting.  Jargon busting!  As an experienced visitor of pro-dommes I am always happy to share my wisdom with nervous young subs seeking their first taste of the forbidden fruit that is a femdom session.  So I wrote two posts a while ago, trying to provide some of the most important tips. They went down very well, with several readers contacting me to let me know that they had tried my suggestions and survived. 

But, you know, there’s a lot more as well. Like any specialised subject, the world of BDSM is rife with its own phrases and acronyms and they can leave novices hopelessly confused. So here is Servitor’s jargon buster – all those puzzling terms explained. 

Write to me in the comments and let me know how you get on, newbies!

MILF. This is an acronym for “Mistress I’ve Lately Found”, so it’s a perfect way to address any new domme you approach.  It can be particularly effective with more mature ladies, though, as they are less familiar with the Internet, so these acronyms are fresher to them.
Scat. This is a form of puppy play.  The puppy should lie on his back, paws waggling in happy adoration of his goddess.  She will stand menacingly over him for a while, then later order him to ‘scat!’ – meaning go away.  You don’t even need to arrange this in advance – just lie there, look up at her with those big puppy eyes, and say “Scat please, Mistress!”.  She’ll know what to do.  Some dommes like to put newspaper down before a scat session, or even plastic sheeting, to make the puppy play more realistic – but don’t take this as a licence to do anything disgusting! 
I am afraid that I am not allowed to post upskirt pictures on this blog (because I am not allowed to look at them), so I can’t show the actual scat moment.  But I think it’s clear that it’ll be arriving soon, in this session!  Mmmm.  Puppy play is so cute.
Humbler.  This is a complex and subtle form of psychological BDSM, in which the sub is given a small token of his Mistress’s regard – used panties, quite often – and left
alone to contemplate them and his relationship to Her, for a few hours before a
session.  Even the strictest Mistresses will usually allow unlimited masturbation during this time, as the point is to arrive at the session sexually relaxed, to spend it in peaceful adoration.  Mistresses enjoy these quieter sessions occasionally, so don’t be afraid to ask to arrive early – or even the night before – to be put in a humbler.
Asking for an overnight humbler experience before tomorrow’s session.  She’s just warning him that his balls might be quite sore in the morning.  Obviously an experienced mistress who knows just many times he’s likely to bring himself to orgasm!
Forced bi.  A double-domme session, in which one of the ladies only arrives after the sub is placed in strict bondage.
This boy’s particularly lucky, because his Mistress not only agreed to arrange a forced bi session, she even asked him if he was up for a blow job!  I mean, duh – who isn’t, eh?!  Let’s hope her friend is pretty.
Sound.  Many subs prefer their sessions to be carried out in total silence, so if you don’t want this ask your domme whether she does ‘sounds’.
This sub asked for a double-domme medical session with lot of ‘sounds’. Just the thing for those who prefer their BDSM to be gently psychologically menacing rather than truly painful.  After all, sounds can’t really hurt you. Sticks and stones, and all that…
Bitch play.  Almost all dommes like to finish a puppy play session by making love – doggie style! When you’re ready for this, show you want her to switch into the animal role by calling her a ‘bitch’ – or, if you think she might not realise you’re ready for sex, ‘fucking bitch’ just so she knows what’s expected of her.
You know what you want.  She wants it too – but you have to ask!
Judicial caning.  This is the CP session to go for if you are new and nervous. Many men actually have little idea of their real tolerance for pain, so if you ask for a ‘judicial session’, she will carefully (‘judiciously’ – you see?) monitor how much she is inflicting and will stop when you’ve had enough, so no safeword is required.
Remember, the world of BDSM is really quite playful.  You’d be surprised how many of the fiercest disciplinarians will accede to a humble request for the caning to be applied ‘judicial’ style, especially if you show them how much you trust them by requesting restraints and a gag.

Non-commercial break

As I am sure many of you already know, Google enforces a rule that its blogs tagged as adult content cannot advertise, take paid links and so on.  I suppose some bloggers might find this unfair, but actually I quite like it. 

In today’s hyper-commercialised world, in which we are bombarded with advertisements from all sides and every other scene in a movie seems to feature a corporate logo prominently displayed in every shot, it’s good to have a little space where the content is all that there is.

Long may it last, I say.

Anyway, here are today’s captioned images.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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