Mr Carter?
Oh – you prefer “Billie”? OK – hi Billie.
I don’t know if you remember me? I’m your anaesthetist.
Anaesthetist. Do you know what an anaesthetist is?
No? Well – do you remember before you went to sleep? You were on a trolley, and you went off to surgery? Big room… lots of medical equipment?
That’s right! I’m the one who talked to you just before you went to sleep!
‘The pretty one’? Oh, am I? That’s a nice thing to say!
Well, anyway, I just wanted to be the first to let you know, that there was a little bit of a problem, while you were asleep. I did a silly thing. I might have given you just a bit too much gas. And of the wrong sort. So –
No, not like the gas they put in balloons. Well, maybe a bit like that, but –
No, you’re not going to blow up like a balloon. These were gases that affect your brain.
Brain.
Yes, you do have a brain. Everyone has a brain. It’s where you do your thinking!
Are you? Thinking about me, and how pretty I am? What – right now? How sweet. But don’t touch yourself down there, Billie, OK? It’s not nice.
Anyway, you see, I gave you a bit too much of some of the gas. And it’s made your brain go a bit funny. You’re going to find thinking a bit harder from now on, that’s all.
Well, yes, I suppose it is still easy to think about how pretty I am. Aren’t you sweet? But do you remember what we said about not touching yourself down there? Right.
Look, anyway, I’ve got a piece of paper here, you see? It says ‘waiver’ on the top?
No, it’s not for waving. It’s for signing. You see? There – where it says ‘William Carter’. That’s where you sign your name.
Yes, I know you can’t remember how to sign. But if you take the pen – no, other way round, that’s right – and then put the pointy end onto the paper, there might be some residual autonomic motor functions, that –
Well, never mind what all that means, Billie, just SIGN THE FUCKING DOCUMENT!
That’s good. Very good. Oh thank God for that.
Oh – don’t cry. I’m sorry I got cross, OK?
Let me just put this document somewhere very safe.
Listen, Billie, I think it’s probably best if you don’t go home on your own, OK?
Really? Oh. It’s worse than I thought. Yes, well if you can’t remember where it is, I suppose it’s even more important that you go and live somewhere else.
I was thinking… would you like to come and live with me? And my friend Julie. You could help clean up around the apartment, and maybe –
Is she as pretty as me? Well, I suppose she is. She’s quite a lot taller than me… and very strong. But she doesn’t like men very much, so perhaps at first you should be a bit careful around her.
Billie! What did we say about touching yourself down there? If you do that again, I’ll be really cross, and I’ll…um…
What’s that? Don’t mumble!
‘Smack your bottom’? Well, yes, I probably will smack your bottom. So don’t do it, OK? Or I’ll smack your bottom. Really hard.
I think I’m going to get something to stop you touching it, unless I say so, all right? That’ll help a bit with Julie, too.
So – do you want to come and live with me and Julie? That’s great. In that case, you just need to sign another document –
– here –
oh clever you! You remembered to use the pointy end!
I think you’ll be very happy living with us. As long as you do everything you’re told, OK? Or else, I’ll have to –
– that’s right! Smack your bottom! And –
err…, no Julie probably won’t smack your bottom. Well, I dunno, she might. But she’d probably do something much worse. Really, you do not want to annoy Julie. OK? She can get very cross, and I think she might hurt you if she does.
And Julie might be annoyed at first about you coming to live with us. But I’ll talk to her about it, OK? It was my fault you got so much of the gas that stops you thinking, so I thought I should take responsibility. And if you stay in my apartment all the time, maybe no one will ask any questions about you either. I think Julie will understand.
Hmm? Well, I’m not surprised you don’t understand. Not after that dose. It’s surprising you have any functioning brain cells left. (Sigh) Well, don’t worry. I’m going to be doing all your thinking for you from now, OK? You just have to do everything I say.
Right, come on then. I think we can just go right away – my car’s in the parking lot downstairs.
No, you don’t need any special clothes. Your gown’s fine.
Oh yes, don’t worry about that. I’ll say goodbye to the nurses for you, OK? Actually, it’s a bit of a secret you’re coming to live with me! Isn’t that exciting? Can you keep a secret? Great. Well, just don’t say anything to anyone on the way out, OK?
Then once you’re in my apartment, I’ll make sure you can’t accidentally wander off and get lost, OK?
I don’t know – some sort of leash, I expect.
Come on.
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| Welcome home, Billie |
