feet – Page 5 – Contemplating the divine

Brutal loving care

Famk ‘ooo, Muhphtuph

You have something you’d rather spend your money on?

What a depressing caption. Sorry about that. Let’s move on.

That’s better.

She’s a stern advocate of social justice. Delivered by Predator drone, if need be.

Tender loving care

Time to celebrate those heroines of the medical profession. Where would we be without them? Still experiencing unwanted erections in many cases, I expect.

And let’s face it, if you’re honest with yourself you probably wouldn’t be due a lot of financial compensation anyway, would you?

Men just aren’t suited to this sort of thing. Too squeamish. But do the best you can. I’m sure you don’t want to disappoint her.

She’s got a really effective treatment for that.

She’ll need a complete history listing all your sexual partners as well, but that should be very quick, no?

That tiresome bureaucracy.

At the hairdressers

Hi honey!

What? Oh, my poor embarrassed baby! You haven’t been worrying about that all day,
have you, honey?

Listen – if that’s what makes you feel sexy, it’s fine with
me, OK? But I just need you to wash the trainers
out each time you do it, before I use them again, that’s all.

Oh, really? Well, honey, you know
I run every day, so I guess they’ll get stinky again pretty quickly, won’t they?

Not stinky enough? Awww… I’m sorry honey. But you know, it’s not nice for me when I want to go for a run, if you’ve spurted all over the inside, see, and –

Oh – hey! I just had
a brilliant idea. Why don’t we keep an
old pair of my trainers for you to come in?
You could sniff the pair I’m using as much as you like, but then when you jerk off you’d do it into one of the old ones. Then I
wouldn’t have to worry about finding my new trainers all sticky!

Yeah? That works?

Oh – if I force you, huh? Honey, you’re really pretty kinky aren’t you! Sure – I can force you. I’ll tie your hands behind your back and force your face down onto my stinky trainers with my foot – how about that?

Yeah – I thought you’d like that. Or I could tie you to the bed and leave one over your face all night. Yeah, you betta believe it. All night, honey. Not in my bed, obviously. I’m not sleeping with a smelly old trainer in the bed. But I can put you in the guest bedroom.

What’ll I do? Oh, I’ll be OK. No, really. It’s OK honey.
I mean, it’s not like our sex life was great anyway and – oh, I’m not
blaming you, honey! It’s not your fault
you’re so small. But I think we’ll both
be happier if you don’t have to try to please me in bed any more. I was thinking anyway of telling you not to bother – I mean, it just makes you all embarrassed and ashamed, and it does nothing for me so –

Hmm? No honey, that’s
just Mario talking. I’m at the
hairdressers.

Not these, honey. These are mine, OK?

Well of course he heard, honey, but don’t be silly about it.
Mario wouldn’t say a thing.
Hairdressers know how to keep secrets – don’t you Mario? Anyway, I told him weeks ago about our wedding
night, so he already knows half the story.

Well sure, honey. About all the condoms being too big to stay on and how you had to ask at the hotel reception for extra small and all that. He was really sympathetic, even though he’s never had the problem himself. Just the opposite, actually.

What? Oh, I didn’t mean anything by that, honey. Just talking nonsense. I do when I’m at the hairdresser’s. Listen, anyway, we need to get my trainers cleaned up. If you won’t wash them, then I guess you’re going to have to lick it out, aren’t you? Yes, now, honey. You got them there? OK, well you’re going to have to put the phone down to get your face right in there and lick it all out, OK?

Oh – hang on! Before you hang off, my old trainers are in the closet by the kitchen door, OK? Those are what you use for playing with yourself, honey, not the new ones! I mean it!

That’s right. OK, honey, have a good time. I’ll be back quite late – maybe not until nine or so. I’m having some complicated hair treatments today. I expect you’ll find something to amuse yourself with until I’m back. Won’t you?

Bye!

See honey? This is where you’ll be making love from now on. You’ll always have a choice between two sexy lovers who’ll never tell you you’re too small, and they don’t mind how quickly you come! Do you wanna give them names? I think you should give them names.

Awe and shock

They operate a performance management system of penalties and rewards. If you perform badly, you’re punished severely. If you perform well, you’re punished a bit less severely. Probably.

Actually, I have a chapter about dealing with this sort of rejection in my new self-help book, called She’s just not that into you – because you’re a sad little weirdo with a tiny cock.