absolutely no upskirt – Page 3 – Contemplating the divine

Mistress and Commander

Celebrating the more militaristic side of our little hobby. Destruction, brutality, war, death… it’s sad there are these things in our world, but there’s nothing wrong with having a little sexy fun with them, is there?

As a British citizen, I don’t actually carry ID, but I do have an ownership tattoo, so let’s hope that will suffice.

It
happens. You know, the ninth Women’s Gestapo regiment once managed to
lose an entire infantry divisions-worth of POWs. Careless, but war’s
messy, right?

Her way’s a lot quicker, too.

Obviously enough, a lovely image from the British Institution.
You know, there are lots of organisations called “The British
Institute” of this, that and the other. I hope they enjoy the
ocasional accidental surf to prison.

Don’t worry. You get at least four more opportunities for appeal. We are going to fight this!

The divine, lovely, commanding Mistress Eleise de Lacy is no longer associated with Femme Fatale films and is cross with them (but oh, it’s wonderful when Mistress Eleise is cross with you, as I can personally attest!). So I won’t be linking to them, for images featuring her. And the not-always-in-charge Miss Woods is here.

Right, like her name’s really Vinyl Queen, huh? Dommes, eh? Do they think the rules don’t apply to them?

I’m guessing that’s who it is, from a Google Image search. Do correct me if I’m wrong.

She is looking good, for beauty we will pay

In fact, some of us have to. Music is mostly unrelated.

Because he knows there are things much worse than a good hard kick to the balls.

The forceful, talented and literary Mistress Miranda, another lady who has had the misfortune to encounter Servitor in the quivering, unimpressive flesh.

It’s all very well to be carried away with love at first sight, but can you build a lasting relationship with a pair of sports shoes, when fashion in sneakers is so fickle?

OK, not the sexiest of topics. But if you don’t know, you can’t imagine. Really: if you’re a pain-slut you should be trying to develop a good set of them.

Punishment fits the crime… tightly and closely.

You replied “I do” and that was the occasion when a safeword might have been advisable instead. Too late now.

Respectful silence

…

Get ready… they’re rough.

It adds a bit of tension to an otherwise dull game.

Very wise.

Oooh.

Of course, there’s always a risk in catching up with old schoolfriends, that they’ll make you feel bad by being, like, waaay more successful. But really, when your future’s the butcher’s hook, there’s no point in drawing fine distinctions, I say.

We’re not worthy

Just never met the right girl, I guess. Hard to strike up a meaningful conversation in seven seconds or less.

Happy to be of service.

Shame she doesn’t get sexual pleasure out of the beatings. That’s two of you, then.

It’ s easy to get confused.

No comment.

Stop your sobbing

She’s very particular about the gardening – that’s why she has them whipped so often. She’s very particular about sex too, but then as her husband you know that already don’t you?

It must be very difficult for her, being trapped in a sexless marriage like that. Still, she could probably play around a bit. I mean, it’s only fair. And who knows – maybe one day they’ll find the key.

She did make a particular point of how cruel and heartless she was in the advert, to be fair.

Women, eh? There’s always one more thing, isn’t there?

Pesky Geneva Convention.

So bandwagon! Much out-of-date meme. Many comic sans (sorry Steve!).

Get a dose of her in jackboots and kilt

She’s the kind of a girl that makes the News of the World
Yes you could say she was attractively built.

(Pictures are unrelated. I just like the song and the idea of linking it to femdom.)

Yes, do try. Fortunately, I had a bit of an off day when writing these captions, so there are no sexy thoughts here. Carry on – it’s perfectly safe.

Of course, you can refuse if you like. But then she’ll stay cross. That’s really not good news.

Lexi Sindel… and some bloke dressed in pink.

Hmmm. Well, I’ll try anything once, you know?

Errr… two and a half? Two and three-quarters… thr… three?

Actually, this isn’t one of mine. It just arrived in my email inbox. I thought I’d share it.

I have to praise her

…like I should.

Don’t forget to scurry. Ball boys should definitely scurry.

Sergei I am not looking forward to.

But seeing as this is Mistress Absolute – the Mistress Absolute – I suspect that can only add to the value, among certain rare connoseurs conouiseirs conosewers, don’t you think?

Domina Liza. I’ll confesss, I don’t know the Lady in person, but I suspect that her attitude to such a request would be along these lines. This caption is intended to comment on the style of femdom photo that I mentally categorize as ‘tits out for the lads’ and try, virtuously, to avoid.

Awww… poor little thing.

Oh sweet misery of life at last I’ve found you

There now – you can’t say she didn’t consider it.

I believe she’s right.

It’s good to be special.

Oh well, as long as she doesn’t give a fuck, I suppose it’s all right.

Yes Ma’am.

Hot flushes

I’m feeling them more and more often.

Best not to rush into these discussions. Give everyone a chance to calm down, to reflect on what was said and maybe even come to regret it?

With dignity. Always with dignity.

Glad we cleared that up. I hate ambiguity. Fortunately, so does she.

He’ll apologise, too.

Don’t know. Don’t care.

Erectile disfunction

I got an email about dealing with erectile disfunction. I know they’re probably just spam, but I like to think the best of people, and I was willing to give it a go. At least it made a change from all those emails I get suggesting various ways of enhancing my penis size (sometimes I wish I’d never given my mother my email address, I really do).

Anyway, it said that lots of men experience periods of erectile disfunction, but if I wrote off describing the circumstances in which I…. err.. failed to rise to the occasion, as it were, world-famous doctors were waiting to advise me.

Well, as you can imagine, I was quite excited, and I wrote back at great length describing how I usually experience quite long periods of erectile disfunction shortly after annoying my Significant Other, for example by failing to iron her blouse properly, or over-cooking the pasta. But that I also find it difficult to achieve an erection when she’s just in a bad mood because she’s busy at work, or its her time of the month, or something like that. The email asked me to describe in detail the longest period of disfunction I’d had, so I sent them Time magazine’s review of the year for 2013.

And they never replied! I mean, can you believe it? I sent email after email, and eventually I just received an automatic response informing me that the server in Nigeria where they were based was blocking my address.

Isn’t the Internet a weird place, eh? Oh well. Here are some more pictures of pretty ladies looking threatening, so we can get sexually aroused by the thought of being punished and humiliated by them. Good wholesome stuff.

Beware of dominatrices with ‘strong views’

Now I believe this is Mistress Annabelle. But if it isn’t, perhaps she or the lady it happens to be could, err, correct me. Please?

I don’t know who he is, I’m afraid. Or if he’s available for sessions.

Domestic bliss.

You think?

This of course is the wonderful and creative (and scary!) Mistress Sidonia, of the English Mansion.

It’s ironic, really, as Alanis Morisette might say.

More from the English Mansion. And I think this is Mistress Jessica Wood.

Dear me, she seems a little fierce. Most young brides wait until after the wedding before giving their husbands their first proper birching. Still, maybe she’ll become more tolerant and forgiving of her husband’s faults when you’re married. Some brides do. Many don’t.