Pretty mean

Pretty girls can be so mean,
don’t you think?

I knew this girl in high school,
for example. She was pretty and cute, and she hung out with all of the cool
kids. So of course, I was amazed when she asked me round to her place one day.
I suspected she just wanted help with her homework, you know, but I couldn’t
control my hopes that she might be sweet on me, and my heart was pounding out
of my chest when I rang her doorbell.

But wouldn’t you know it, as
soon as I was inside, she knocked me out and I woke up in a dark cellar, where
over the course of that week, she and her friends subjected me to the most
unspeakable tortures and sexual humiliations, then locked me in chastity and
condemned me to a lifetime of chained servitude as her male maid! Girls, eh?
True story.

Well, except the bit about being
in high school. I’m British. We don’t really have them.

But every word of the rest is
true. Honest.

Onwards…

Worship…devotional prayers…human sacrifice – whatever she wants, really.

Oh don’t be ridiculous.  Of course she’s not going to fry up his balls!  What a suggestion!  She’s going to lightly glaze them with cardamom-scented honey, and serve on a bed of sauteed mange-tout with polenta.

It’s generally not a good idea to let your manager and your dominatrix work together.  But once they do, the best thing to do is just to accept the situation.  After all, you have no choice.

Awww.  Isn’t that sweet, to think of your comfort like that?  That’s why you’re marrying her, right?

Therapy can help, too.  For example, I discovered that my fears of sexual inadequacy stem from being sexually inadequate.  I owe my therapist a great debt, which I’m paying off in monthly installments deducted directly from my salary.