Actually, I’ve got some quite good news for you. We’ve recently prosecuted a company
called A.G. Trading for fraud and as part of the settlement, they are paying
compensation to affected customers. You’re down as having purchased items
regularly from them over the last three years or so, and so you’re due for a
they operated lots of different front companies. Let’s see… you’ve made purchases from, erm…
“Mistress Alicia Amazon”, “Sheila’s Stinky Socks” and “Patricia the Piss
Queen”, is that right?
Williams, number 73 Park Road, Guildford”?
Credit card number 5847 624 – Oh, OK. So that is
but all in the category of ‘used and worn items’, you see, Mr Williams. Mostly lingerie, socks, shoes and boots –
that kind of thing. Tampons and sanitary
towels too, but I don’t see any purchases like that on your record.
mostly just wore the items themselves.
Some of them were shipped over from India – seems there’s quite a little
business going on pre-soiling items for masturbatory purposes out there.
There’s a whole village where it sounds like everyone’s walking around in
lingerie and high heels just to get the smells in. And I’m afraid the only person pissing in
Patricia’s panties was Mr Patel’s cousin Rajesh.
Mr Patel made over £20 million out of it, before we got involved – can
you believe that? All by exploiting
lonely, desperate sad little men.
here we can sort out your claim?
pissed in, a pair of scuffed trainers, two pairs of boots, eleven pairs of
socks, two bras and a sweat-stained top, is that right? For a total expenditure of £3,540.
three years. I don’t suppose you’d have kept them around all this time, would you? That would be –
items. Especially those you ordered
from, erm, ‘Patricia’. Our colleagues in
Health and Safety say they probably don’t meet EU hygiene standards.
Remain myself. Still, EU or no EU, it’s
probably not a good idea to keep that sort of thing around, Mr Williams. You might want to go for a health check.
it in and send it straight back and we’ll arrange for your compensation, as son
as we can.
on how much is recovered by the auditors.
Should be at least a third of what you paid, though – over £1000, I
expect! Quite a nice little windfall,
isn’t it? You could go out and treat
yourself to something nice, like…
Williams. I just… well, I just buy things for
my own use then I wash them or throw them away, you know?
That’s what most people do. Anyway, Trading Standards Officers aren’t allowed to conduct private business, so…
To be honest, you’re not the only person who’s asked since I started
Williams. Goodbye now!
That’s private. Goodbye, Mr Williams!