professional dominatrix – Contemplating the divine

You are the product

Except that today you’re not (unless your Mistress is putting you up for auction, obviously). Instead, it’s another collection of advertising-themed images.

Contemplating the Divine takes no responsibility for any painful, humiliating or soul-destroying consequences arising from attempting to use the products advertised here. Although any funny and embarassing stories are welcome, obviously.

No resemblance to advertising campaigns for actual products, especially soft drinks made by huge multinationals with well-staffed legal departments, is intended. C’mon, guys, can’t you take a joke? No? Oh well…

… and a bonus image. A different theme to the ones above, but I don’t have six like this, so might as well put it up here:

All for her

Women are more sensitive to other people’s pain than are men. It’s an empathy thing.

Nothing quite so off-putting in a shining session as catching sight of your own face. Bleagh!

There are many rules of client meetings but ‘she’s always right’ covers most of them.

Doesn’t seem fair, really, when my own ‘secret sauce’ is all bottled up.

Don’t worry: Mistress Elizabeth offered to repay the time. Let’s see… two minutes and her time’s worth… what, a million times yours? So that’s… let’s see… using all my fingers… carry the one… 3.8 years hard labour. Oh, might as well round it up to four. Let’s hope she’s a kind mistress.

To be fair, no Mistress I’ve ever visited has ever called me by my real name.

Whip smart

Just to cite one possibility, at random, among so many.

The Honourable Dogbreath-Twattington takes his role very seriously and never reaches a decision without careful thought about the possible consequences of getting it wrong.

Some prefer candles and soft music but they’ve discovered through much experimentation that this is what works for them.

He’ll thank her for it eventually, you’ll see.

Oh, I hate playing the ‘guess what I stepped in’ game. Surprisingly enough, for instance, beetles and slugs taste very similar, despite actually coming from entirely separate phylla of the animal kingdom.

Oooh kerosene play! Quite edgy if you currently have quite a lot of body hair, I understand.

Women’s men

It took a while for me to get used to our D/S dynamic in restaurants. I used to get embarassed at being so publicly submissive – even over what are actually practical and necessary things like, for example, my SO requesting that my food be given a quick whizz in the liquidiser so it can more easily pass through my feeding funnel. But you soon realise that the waitresses just don’t care: they’ve got jobs to do, after all.

I can do some quite spectacular things with it. Just not while having sex. Or at least, spectacular things have occasionally been done to it, by mischievous and highly creative people.

She has a keenly attuned sense of what your needs really are.

She’s got a little whip on which each of the thongs is studded with diamonds cut into sharp little points. Some might think that’s overdoing it, but she thinks it and the marks that it leaves are pretty and as long as she likes it, really who is to question her taste? Not me, certainly.

Form an orderly queue by the stage door…. Hey! I said an *orderly* queue! Look, if you can’t even follow simple instructions, she’s hardly likely to …

An unfair crack of the whip

More captioned images celebrating the delightful ways our superiors can be unreasonable and unfair.

Trying to top from the bottom again, were you? She’s wise to your little power-play.

Try thinking of her needs rather than your own, for a change.

If he correctly picks a yellow one he gets an orgasm. So there’s that to look forward to.

Just remember the two absolute rules: (1) never lie to Mistress and (2) Mistress is always right. As long as your answer conforms to both of those, you should be fine.

She likes it done just right. It never, ever is.

Oh dear. And the punishment was nearly done before that little act of defiance.

Lady Sophia Black, who I can tell you from personal and painful but wonderful experience did the ‘impossible to please’ thing better than any other domme I have ever known.

Unassertiveness training

Well, if she’s fine with it, I suppose you can just carry on twitching!

Not quite sure what she’s saying here… but just go along with it.

If all else fails ‘being male’ is usually a safe bet, although any dommes sessioning with me should be warned I barely qualify. Fortunately ‘being annoying’ works too.

Why would anyone want to be ‘liberated’ from… from… I mean, isn’t she? Don’t you think?

They’re betting on the outcome: loser’s slave gets a double beating. Which might not seem fair – seeing as the slave doesn’t actually get to position the ships or choose the locations of the salvos – but it’s not supposed to be.

Lovely Cruella shoot there, for once not in an abandoned industrial wasteland but instead an abandoned country house. If you haven’t checked Cruella lately, by the way, you should do: Andy has been fantastically active over the last few months. There must be a female standing over the lazy little sod with a whip because he’s put up lots of free and paid-for (PDFs of magazines) content. And you no longer need the bizarrely unobtainable ‘Cruella Card’ for the latter: just, y’know, money.

You could *try* pushing her boundaries – maybe she’ll crack eventually.

The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men – from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms.

Yes, it’s the day* to celebrate mothers. Loving, nurturing and kind to their offspring, brutally savage and eternally contemptuous of their sons-in-law. The latter relationship is more this blog’s focus, for obvious reasons.

Many subs who get off on the idea of punishment, not to mention being humiliated and treated with contempt, don’t realise how much more effectively those can be provided by a woman of more advanced years, who has had longer to hone her opinions and approach towards the male sex.

She has an excellent reason: she dislikes you intensely.

Oh don’t read things into the captions that aren’t there! Of course she didn’t murder him! He died of nervous exhaustion, poor chap.

Obviously you shouldn’t have to pay full session rates, just for cleaning out her Mum’s garage. Ask for a 40% discount, at least – and don’t settle for less than 5%.

It’s good that mothers and daughters phone each other so frequently.

Don’t worry, she’s not going to be a burden. In fact, she can help a lot with the housework: checking all the tasks have been done satisfactorily, drawing up schedules and providing advice and encouragement wherever needed.

* Some of you might be wondering why we’re doing this today, when everyone knows Mothers’ Day is in May? If so, it’s probably because you’re American and have forgotten there are what we call ‘other places’ in the world, and some of those don’t do things in the same way you do. Don’t worry, it’s an easy mistake to make, especially if you’re working with the disadvantage of only having a male brain. Try taking a trip somewhere ‘else’ to broaden your horizons – I hear the Gulf of Mexico is nice at this time of year.

That’s what she said

Don’t make her say it twice.

I’m sure Julie won’t mind at all but it’s always polite to ask.

My SO likes to play this game and would you believe it, I’ve lost 23 times in a row. What are the odds?* I would say I’m very unlucky but I’m so lucky to be married to such a wonderful lady, that would be churlish.

* Just over one in ten million. “Do the maths” – as a Governess I used to visit used to say – “then bend over the punishment bench so I can do the marking”.