Category: humour(?)

Non-commercial break

As I am sure many of you already know, Google enforces a rule that its blogs tagged as adult content cannot advertise, take paid links and so on.  I suppose some bloggers might find this unfair, but actually I quite like it. 

In today’s hyper-commercialised world, in which we are bombarded with advertisements from all sides and every other scene in a movie seems to feature a corporate logo prominently displayed in every shot, it’s good to have a little space where the content is all that there is.

Long may it last, I say.

Anyway, here are today’s captioned images.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advice to a novice sub – Part 2

Many readers of this blog ask me questions, and not all of them are of the “Why don’t you just fuck off and die, Servitor?” form, either.  I know you regard me as a kind of wise old man of femdom, and after I published a blog post last year with a few choice tips for submissives less experienced than I am in visiting professional dominant ladies, the response was overwhelming and – in a few cases – not entirely contemptuous.

So, mindful of the fact that you don’t know my real name or address, and so you can’t sue me for any consequences, here is another batch of Servitor’s tips for any subs considering a visit to a pro-domme.

Any flavour except vanilla

… or raspberry ripple.  I really hate raspberry ripple.  


Goodness, I hope none of the dommes with whom I  have the honour of serving from time to time read this blog and find out my little secret.  They might force me to eat raspberry ripple ice cream in session.  How awful that would be!

Monthly renewal of chastity
‘We’ are indeed trying.  Fortunately, only one of ‘us’ has to succeed, doesn’t she?




CNFM shopping
You ever had one of those dreams?  When you’re naked, surrounded by a hundred jeering, mocking beautiful women?  And you can’t speak and you can’t seem to run, but then you have to do a little dance for them and… and then you wake up.  And realise it was only a dream?  Always such a fucking disappointment.



Femdom space programme
She’s been working too on a better recovery system.  Crashing into a net is fine but it’s just not very… fetish, you know?  So she’s been working on something involving combining an aircraft carrier’s ‘arrestor hook’ system, with various anal toys.  All top secret just now, I’m afraid, so I don’t know any more details than that.
This is the divine Mistress Ezada Sinn, if you didn’t know that already




Lovely Clara
Lucky George.  Sharp-eyed observers of more than one ‘scene’ might spot a reference here to an earlier post.

Boyfriends, eh? Always spoiling the fun! Why can’t she just do her own beating up? I’d go for that. I’d even pay.




Despised and rejected by women

…whenever I get the chance, but usually I have to pay for the privilege.  Ah well.

Mistress Eleise blonde joke
I like a domme with a sense of humour.  But actually, I’ve always been able to make girls laugh.  I remember my very first date – in school the next day, she and all her friends giggled whenever they saw me.  Just a knack.
 I try to identify and pay hommage to featured pro-dommes here, after downloading, lusting after and defacing their pictures.  But does anyone not know this is Mistress Eleise de Lacey already?  I mean, really?  Come on guys – do try to pay attention.
 
 

Superglue femdom
Dommes: don’t try this at home.  You can chip off the paintwork.  Do it at his place, instead.
 
 
 

More pig-sticking
Good luck, George.



Annabels will
I’ll bet she does.
This lady – Lady Annabelle – doesn’t feature here quite as much as Ms de Lacey.  But she’s very lovely too (and has a wonderful voice) and you can find more pics and video of her here, you lucky little perverts.
 
 
 
Castration fetish
Well, I think it’s disgusting.  Reading a squalid little porno blog like that.  Yuk.


Advice to a novice sub

As a well-respected member of the BDSM community, I am often asked questions by novices to the scene.  These are usually along the lines of “Why are your captions so fuckin’ lame, loser?”, but just occasionally someone requests my advice.  And of course, I am always happy to oblige. 

Naturally, all my experiences in the scene have involved paying pro-dommes – it’s not as if anyone’s going to spend much time in my sweaty presence unless they’re well compensated for it! But within this very limited sphere I have, I think, acquired some expertise – I might almost go so far as to say wisdom.  And I am very happy now to share some of these insights with you, my loyal readership.

So, without further wittering: some advice to a novice sub.  In the form of captions.  Obviously.





 


The ladies featuring so beautifully, and misleadingly, in this post were (from the top):

Divine Mistress Heather
A lovely lady from Schoolmistress Fantasy
Lady Sophia Black
Mistress Eleise de Lacey
Mistress Darla (now retired I understand, but here from The English Mansion)
Miss Jessica Wood (who – you can be quite sure – most definitely wood not!).

Servitor’s handy hints for safe bdsm play #182

This week’s handy hint: safewords!  After this picture!
 

 

Now, here’s someone who looks like he’s going to need a really good safeword.  Let’s see how he gets on, shall we?  We’ll check back on him at the end of the blog post.

 
 
Here we go with Servitor’s top ten words or phrases that are unsuitable to use as safewords:
 
10.  More please
 
9.  Eyjafjallajökull (unless you’re Icelandic, in which case Vanhankaupunginselkä will do just as well)
 
8.  I hardly felt that.
 
7.  That was great, Mistress.  Now I just need a blow job to finish me off!  I’ll pay you extra, if it’s a good one.
 
6.  (your bank account details)
 
(top 5 after the picture)
 
 

 

Listen: whatever safeword you choose, don’t be like this silly old fool and forget what it is, OK?  It might seem a bit of a chore to learn it carefully, but really, when you’re screaming the place down and begging for mercy for the last half hour of your session, you’ll wish you’d repeated it to yourself just once or twice more.  You know?

 
5. How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?  (but you have to pronounce it right)
 
4.  కష్టం నాకు విప్
 
3. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a
good fortune must be in want of a wife.  However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first
entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the
surrounding families, that he is considered as the rightful property of some one
or other of their daughters.
 
2. I think you should stop, you’re not doing it right.  My last domme was much better.
 
…number one after the picture (you’re getting the idea, right?)
 


Now here’s an interesting situation. Can there be any doubt that the only acceptable safeword for the bottom to choose here is “Ninety, thank You Mistress”?


 
…and the number one winner, with more than twice as many votes as the next most unsuitable is…
 
…wait for it…
 
 
1.  Bitch
 
 
 
There we are.  Just another handy hint from Servitor.  Annoying the hell out of dommes, so you don’t have to.  Testing No. 1 was pretty damn painful I can tell you, but it’s all part of the service.
 
Let’s see how our young test subject got on, shall we?  Did he choose a good safeword?
 

 


Oh dear. Better keep checking in with Servitor’s handy hints!

Oh – one last thing!  Remember, readers, never – ever – confuse anything you read on Contemplating the Divine with serious bdsm advice.  OK?  Play safely now! 

 
 

Forensic examination

 Ah, Mr Sandwick. How are you feeling?

Yes, well no bones were broken, fortunately.

It was a nasty crash, though. You had bruises all over.

Now – we’re going to need your help with something. The police need us to put together a full report on the injuries you sustained, so they can determine what happened in the crash. Obviously, your chin got that horrible gash as the dashboard crumpled upwards, and there are bruises around your shoulder, where you jarred against the seatbelt…

…but there’s some quite severe and sustained bruising on your buttocks that we’re trying to understand.

Any thoughts?

No, well I suppose you were losing consciousness at the time.  Not really fair to expect you to remember!  I just thought, maybe…

Only…it’s odd, because there are two quite distinct patterns of bruising, on your buttocks and upper thighs.  The majority of the bruises – and we think these were sustained first – are consistent with some sort of heavy, but soft and flexible object repeatedly impacting your buttocks horizontally. Like – I don’t know. Maybe like a leather or a rubber belt.  But probably heavier than a normal belt.  Was there anything like that in your car that could have caused your injuries?  Maybe a fan belt from the engine, next to the driver’s seat?  I mean, it seems unlikely it could whip about repeatedly like that, but…

No? No, well that’s what the police said too.  Very hard to understand.

And then there are some really nasty bruises from something long and straight and thin – six of them, almost perfectly evenly spaced across your buttocks, starting on the upper thighs and going up. Those look very sore. I expect you can still feel them when you sit down. Any thoughts how those might have happened?  It was probably after the first lot of bruises.  Oh – and we’re pretty sure your buttocks were probably stretched taut at the time of the impact.  As if you were doubled up… or bent over.

No? Well, it is a mystery, isn’t it?  We’ve been discussing it, here on the ward, and none of the doctors or nurses can make head or tail of it.  Everyone’s fascinated.  Quite the little medical mystery – just like a TV show!

Do try to remember, though, if you can.  We’ve been wondering if you might – perhaps – have been doing something before you got in the car, that caused you to sustain these bruises? Some kind of activity that might have involved the kind of repeated impacts that I just described?

No? Can’t think of anything at all?  Oh well.

Only the other car’s driver is disputing liability for all of the injuries, you see. So I expect you’ll be asked about it as a witness in the court case. In court.  Under oath.

What’s that? Oh good lord, no, you can’t just drop charges now, I’m afraid Mr Sandwick. The insurance companies are involved, and they’ll want to make sure they’ve got to the truth.

Anyway, I need to take some photos. If you could just pop your pyjama trousers down? That’s right. And if you wouldn’t mind – it’s better if you stretch a bit, so it’s easy to see everything. So if you could stand here – that’s right – and then bend over with your bottom up in the air. That’s right. Don’t worry about the pyjama bottoms, down there around your ankles is fine.
Ooops! Silly me – I forgot the camera. You just wait in that position. I won’t be a moment.  If anything jogs your memory about what might have happened, you will say, won’t you?  Only it’s probably better now, than in court.

How much happiness does a marriage need anyway?

Goodness me, it seems that twenty-one secrets of a happy marriage are still not enough for some of you!  Frankly, if your marriages are that unhappy, ladies, have you considered drowning the obnoxious little git? And men – well, you can just drown yourselves, can’t you?  Try not to make a mess.

Anyway, for those without access to conveniently uninhabited locations with deep water, here are yet another seven secrets for a happy marriage.



1.  If she wants to try something new in the bedroom, try to put up with it without complaining, even if it’s not really your thing.

 





2.  If you unexpectedly find a sex toy in her drawer, just put it back the way you found it and don’t mention it.  She’s probably waiting for the right time to introduce it into your lovemaking.





3.  If she’s really angry about something you’ve done, she probably won’t mention it immediately.  She’ll wait until she thinks the time and place are just right, so the two of you can discuss it properly.



4. Sometimes women won’t directly say what it is they really want to try in your lovemaking… but they’re sending out subliminal signals all the time, if you can only learn to tune into them!



5.  Many men dread those long moments of silence, when she’s really annoyed and you’re waiting for her to start talking about it.  But don’t.  That silence helps.  It gives you both the time to think about what’s happened – and what’s going to happen now.  And then in a few moments, you can both devote yourselves to trying to make your relationship work better.  And that’s something to look forward to.  Isn’t it?





6.  Too many men rush straight for the flower stall when they know they have an upset wife.  Sure, all girls like to receive flowers from time to time, but if it’s a substitute for understanding her anger, don’t expect your two dozen long-stemmed roses to solve the problem.  You’ll probably end up making things worse – especially for yourself.




7.  Mornings matter.  What’s the first thing you do together each day?  Think about how you can use it to tell your husband what you think of him, especially after a night of lovemaking.