bit of politics – Contemplating the divine

Critical theory

This blog has often featured material about Female Supremacist thinking but has never really engaged with the literature of this important political movement. Of course, the more advanced texts are not for the mainly male readers of this blog – too many long words, for one thing and some of the concepts are too advanced for male brains and probably best left as a surprise for when the Femsuprem movement takes charge. However, today the blog will be educational so stand by your desk, hands out with palms up and try not to flinch. We present some key quotes from some of the classic works in the field, by the movement’s leading thinkers (plus two male allies, who obviously neither lead nor, in any meaningful sense, think, but their hearts and tongues are in the right place).

“I think ‘equality feminists’ don’t realise just how insulting it is to a Female Supremacist – as it ought to be to any woman – when they say we should be equal to men. You can consider yourself equal to a semi-evolved ape if you like, sister. I don’t.”

Eleise de Lacy, When Women Rule

“The greatest beneficiaries of a female supremacist society would be males themselves, relieved of the burden of taking decisions, to which they are so manifestly unsuited. They should thank us for taking that on – and I’m sure they will.”

Rachel McAdams, The Owner’s Manual: Female Supremacy in relationships and marriage

“Women will never be truly free until all men are enslaved.”

Madame Šárka, Loving and Fearing (translated from the Czech by otrokář_7)

“Scientific and economic progress will not cease in the Female Supremacist state. Female scientists will direct teams of male scientists who will work hard (if they know what is good for them) to produce innovations to benefit all womanity. Brutal, back-breaking manual labour will increasingly become unnecessary as machines can carry out the menial or most unpleasant work. Which will make it still more enjoyable to enslave males and force them to perform it.”

Sanna Marin, The Whip Hand: Economic policy and workplace relations in the Female Supremacist state

“Happy? Am I happy? Why would it matter to anyone whether I’m happy? It certainly doesn’t matter to me – only She matters.”

nd23 Permission to Speak

“Way back, before I even thought of myself as a feminist, let alone a female supremacist, I started keeping a ‘castration list’ of men who would be much improved by going under the knife. It was kind of a joke with myself… until one day I realised it wasn’t. Until one day I looked at the list, I saw how long it was, I thought about all the other women who must have castration lists of their own, real or virtual and… well, that was the day I became a female supremacist. And to anyone reading this who’s wondering if he’s on my list? If you think you might be then, yeah, you probably are. And we’ll be in power soon, boy.”

Megyn Kelley, In Four-inch Heels

“I often hear males who want to be allies ask me ‘what can I do to help the Femsuprem cause?’ I just reply ‘Do as you’re told, of course, moron.’ It is a stupid question. But men are stupid, never forget that.”

Eva Green, Patriarchs to Eunuchs: a practical programme for female supremacy (translated from the French by cafard)

“Like many female supremacists I have ambivalent feelings about male ‘submissives’. On the one hand, I find them contemptible – I have no desire to enslave a man who wants (or through sexual obsession believes himself to want) to be enslaved. On the other hand, they have their uses. One of them is typing these words as I dictate, while the other busies himself in my kitchen.”

Penny Mordaunt, In the Nanny State. Freedom and Responsibility in a Female Supremacist Britain

“Like most men, I was too stupid to realise my own inferiority. Unlike many, I was lucky enough to be taught that I was wrong. This is not my story, because my past, like my present, belongs to Her now. But She has allowed me to tell it.”

owned Sarahsboy, my place

“Sometimes women ask me how I can be so confident that men are inferior. I ask ‘Have you met one?’”

Annie Hathaway, Equality is not enough!

Corrigible

Maybe she needs to make them even more memorable.

I won’t give away the plot but when they turn the male over, there are footprints all over his back. Nothing unusual about that, obviously, but these footprints turn out to have been made by three different people, plus another male. Quite the mystery…

*Won*‘t she feel a fool when she finally takes that hood off him and sees that she’s got the wrong man! But that won’t be for a very long time yet, almost at the end of what she has planned for ‘Richard’. She’ll be ever so embarassed, the poor thing.

Oddly, I’ve tried ‘it’s not my fault I’m a man’ on my SO and it cuts no ice – as she likes to say, is there anyone else in our relationship to blame for that? And I’m compelled to admit she’s right.

A long time in politics

A week is a long time in politics, they say, which makes it a lot like predicament bondage.

I should apologise for any medical problems induced by the high prevalance of heart-stopping beauty in this post. But I won’t, because anyone collapsing in front of his screen, trousers around his ankles, probably deserved it, nasty little pervert.

These days with such a fragmented media landscape it’s very hard to determine what’s true and what isn’t. Quick pro-tip: if it’s on this blog, it probably isn’t. So don’t worry about that female supremacist conspiracy, OK? Just a femdomination sex fantasy thing, nothing to see.

There were several defining moments of her campaign, many of which went viral and some of which became among the highest-ever viewed clips on femdom porn sites, oddly enough. Still, all publicity is good publicity, right? It’s like spanking, in that respect.

Yada yada slavery, yada yada shock collars. That’s the tired old politics… time to move on, surely? And if those men’s rights activists can’t understand that for themselves maybe they just need a little help to see the bigger picture? Shouldn’t the government step in – or stride, in high-heeled boots – to provide that? Hey – I’m just asking questions here.

The First Gentleman should be a role model for all boys, so it’s important to check his behaviour whenever he falls short of that high standard – and her higher ones. So, really, it’s her duty. The interns… OK, that’s just a stress relief thing.

She won’t say branding’s painless because it isn’t. See how refreshing it is when political leaders don’t, like, lie all the time?

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve

Just a few extras to celebrate today’s events in the UK.* Which are a bit uninspiring but at least the leading candidates are under eighty years old and not from parties established to defend Vichy’s fascist sympathisers, so there’s that. I hope all male readers of this blog take sensible advice from someone of the more intelligent sex before voting, and indeed before doing anything else. If you don’t, how would you know whether she approves or not?

* Yes, yes, Americans, I know you declared your independence 248 years ago today making it a special day for you too. Well done you. You don’t have to keep going on about it, you know.

Maintaining standards

HM SCHOOLS INSPECTORATE

Provisional report – provided for information, HMG circulation only

School inspected: Mrs Thwackbottom’s Boarding School for Naughty Boys

Date of inspection: 3 March 2024

Categorisation:

Type: private, unregistered
Age range: 34 – 78
Fee band: Highest (NB, fees paid daily)
Single sex / co-educational: Unclear (see notes below)

Summary scores:

Educational excellence: 2/10
Quality of facilities: 4/10
Pastoral care 4/10
Discipline: 10+/10

Background

The Inspectorate was made aware of the existence of Mrs Thwackbottom’s Boarding School for Naughty Boys (hereafter BSNB) only late last year. The legal status of the school is unclear, as is therefore the Inspectorate’s responsibility for the establishment. This report should therefore be considered provisional.

The school is based in a large nineteenth century house, in the London suburb of Streatham. Unusually, it caters only to adult pupils, most of whom are occasional visitors rather than enrolled full-time. The youngest pupil of whom we are aware is 34 years old, the oldest 78. Although advertised as a boarding school, in fact pupils rarely stay for longer than one night, although ocasional ‘long weekends’ are organised, as well as an annual week-long ‘summer school’ for the most eager learners.

The establishment’s single sex status is equally ambiguous. All the pupils our inspectors encountered were male, although about one third of them were considered ‘special girls’ by the school and dressed accordingly. Mrs Smackbottom, the headmistress (who prefers that gender-specific term to our standard ‘Head’) told us that female pupils would be very welcome, but that few women seemed to experience a need for the specific educational services she and her staff provide. One of the younger teachers (female, like all of the teaching staff) does appear to be registered as an occasional pupil, confusingly, but only in one-to-one classes with the Headmistress and only outside regular school hours. This activity features in a part of the school’s web site that can only be accessed by paying a subscription. Other young women do occasionally arrive as pupils but only in a prefectorial capacity – acting, in effect, as classroom assistants – and it was unclear to us what learning goals they themselves were set, if any.

Overall, the school applies a mixed learning environment, in which classes of different abilities and different ages are often taught multiple subjects within a single lesson. Expectations of pupils are relentlessly high, in that approximately 90% of the written work, oral answers in class and test scores appeared to be considered to fall far short of the required standard, resulting in pupils being disciplined for unacceptable work. Similarly, school behavioural rules are exceptionally complicated and it is rare for a pupil to complete a day’s attendance without finding himself in breach of at least one rule. Furthermore, some rules are ‘unwritten’.

Despite this challengingly low level of compliance, student discipline is very high at BSNB, perhaps as a result of the Headmistress’s vigorous emphasis on this aspect of the educational experience. Although some pupils arrive at school seemingly determined to break rules or ‘cheek’ the teachers, the thoroughly strict application of the school’s unusual disciplinary regime seems to instill an increasing desire to avoid further punishment as the school day progresses. The approach to discipline is old-fashioned and can best be described as ‘brutal’. We note that most of the techniques used are not only obsolete in every other school the Inspectorate has evaluated but would be clearly illegal if applied to children. However, all of the pupils are over 18 and have consented in writing to (indeed, typically requested) this harsh regime.

Lesson observation

Our inspectors observed a lesson conducted by ‘Miss Taylor’ (real name: Stacey Lewis, aged 23, with no apparent teaching qualifications, whose normal occupation was later discovered to be ‘glamour model’). There were seven pupils in the class, including three ‘special girls’. The class began with roll-call and a unform inspection, which exemplified the extreme complexity of the school rules mentioned above and the punctiliousness with which the school staff apply them. No fewer than four of the pupils were found to have committed the infractions of the uniform code and although these seemed to our inspectors to be minor (one boy with a tie knot fractionally too wide, a ‘special girl’ wearing the wrong shade of knickers etc), they nonethless resulted in a punishment tawse being applied to the miscreants’ palms. One other pupil received a similar punishment for ‘looking at Miss Taylor funny’ during this procedure. This seemingly arbitrary and brutal start set the tone for the rest of the lesson.

The subject was initially mathematics, but bizarrely shifted to geography halfway through (before concluding with a multi-disciplinary written exercise). Our inspectors have serious concerns about Miss Taylor’s expertise in either subject. Several ‘sums’ written up on the board (a traditional chalk blackboard – the whiteboard revolution, let alone modern AV techniques, not having reached Mrs Thwackbottom’s establishment) were incorrect as, later, were some of the city locations, spellings and pronounciations when Miss Taylor switched to geography. Our inspectors also found that Miss Taylor could benefit from refreshing her class engagement techniques as, far from seeking to develop and encourage a questionning and self-learning environment, her approach was based almost entirely on rote learning and a binary ‘right or wrong’ attitude: for example putting up a ‘sum’, challenging a pupil instantly to solve it, then applying the leather tawse, a wooden classroom ruler or simply the palm of her hand in violent retribution, should the response not be satisfactory. This approach was rendered particularly inappropriate in light of her own errors: on several occasions, pupils were beaten for having given what were clearly the correct answers.

This did not go unnoticed by the pupils themselves. Any sceptical or doubting look was usually met with a slap to the face, Miss Taylor emphasising that she was the teacher, usually accompanying the slap with coarse swear words. One pupil made the grave mistake of taking her to task for her errors in mathematics. He (or she – this was a ‘special girl’ in a gymslip) did so very politely, indeed his demeanour could be described as ‘cringing’ and ‘servile’. It did him no good. Miss Taylor, perhaps due to her lack of training as a teacher, did not attempt to maintain her composure but instead assaulted the poor pupil violently with slaps and even kicks (he was kneeling before her), then dispatched him to the Headmistress’s office for a caning. When he returned he was made to kiss her shoes in apology, which our Inspectors considered a questionnable practice.

In the meantime, perhaps taking the criticism more to heart than she had been prepared to admit, Miss Taylor switched the lesson to geography. Alas, her competence in this discipline was still less. The pupils were forced to memorise lists of cities and their associated countries, in which Vienna was held to be in Germany, Damascus in ‘Damaria’ and Cape Town in ‘Argentina or that long thin one next to it – Chilly’. Perhaps wisely, none of the pupils raised any objections to this. Eventually, Miss Taylor appeared to tire of the class and set them written work, which consisted of copying out pages from a textbook – or rather, different textbooks, as the pupils were all given different books on entirely different subjects. During this time, Miss Taylor either sat at her desk staring at her phone, or ocasionally wandered the classroom, administering blows with various implements for bad handwriting, apparent ‘smiling’ or just ‘having a stupid haircut’. When the bell rang for the end of class, Miss Taylor collected the written work, tore it all up and threw the pieces on the floor, instructing one of the pupils to remain behind and tidy them up. The educational value of this written exercise was therefore not apparent.

As noted in the summary section, what Miss Taylor’s class lacked in subject matter or educational technique, it more than made up for in discipline. Indeed, our Inspectors estimated that no less than about 40% of the class time was taken up with disciplinary action against one pupil or another. Furthermore, while the tirades, scolding and inevitable beatings handed out by Miss Taylor were being conducted, all of the other pupils stopped work and wateched intently. Thus, there was little time available actually for learning, except the learning – of which Miss Taylor several times declared herself a firm devotee – that can be imparted with a tawse or other punishment implement. However, given the inaccurate information Miss Taylor provided in the more conventionally educational sections of the lesson, perhaps this was no loss.

Catering

The food available for pupils at lunch can best be desribed as ‘traditional’. A rather fatty and gristly stew, accompanied by lumpy mashed potatos and boiled cabbage. Regretably, the meal had been prepared too far ahead of time, despite the lunch break beginning precisely on schedule, so it had gone cold by the time the pupils (in some cases gingerly) sat down on the hard wooden bench at the dining table. However, all managed to eat up everything on their plate, as this is apparently a school rule, and one that was supervised quite closely by Mrs Thwackbottom herself.

One of our inspectors pointed out that the vegetables in the meal had been boiled almost to oblivion and questioned whether a cold salad or some such would be healthier, as it would retain vitamins. Mrs Thwackbottom laughed and assured her that pupils regularly ate uncooked food – raw vegetables and suchlike – so possibly lunch on the day we observed was atypical.

The teaching staff took a pizza delivery order for their own lunch.

Physical Education

In the afternoon, another young (female) teacher, Miss Rylands (whose qualifications the Inspectorate were unable later to verify, not least because each one of her online ventures requires a subscription to view and she states that even ‘direct messages’ over social media will not receive a response unless accompanied by gift cards), took a physical education lesson. Like so many educational facilities in these straitened times, the school lacks a dedicated gym but furniture in the main classroom was pushed to the sides, and a mat laid down, providing adequate space for some simple exercises.

The pupils then changed into ‘gym kit’ of various kinds, closely supervised by Miss Rylands, who seemed not to be familiar with D of E guidance on promoting self esteem in pupils’ bodily image, as her comments both on the unfitness of the bodies revealed during the changing (and afterwards, as most gym outfits were distinctly skimpy), as well as more general comments on physical appearance seemed ill-judged, if her intention was to promote body-positivity feelings. Miss Rylands seemed particularly to hold the view that a small penis is to be disparaged, frequently making comparisons to her apparently well-endowed boyfriend. We believe this does not confirm to best practice. We would also like to take this opportunity to express our regrets on behalf of the female inspector who laughed apparently in response to one of Miss Rylands’ comments: she has assured an internal investigation that she was merely thinking about a funny cat video she had viewed the evening before.

The PE itself consisted mainly of simple in-place exercises: press-ups, star jumps and the like. Unsuprisingly, given the vast age range of the pupils, the requirements were tailored to each individual pupil’s needs, which is commendable, although in every case, our inspectors felt that the targets being set were perhaps a little too stretching, leading pupils to fail with the inevitable consequence – this time from a traditional and flexible rubber gym shoe (or ‘plimsole’, as one of the older inspectors affectionately called it) wielded by Ms Rylands. Ms Rylands did occasionally seek to employ her disciplinary techniques in a positive manner, for example by applying an upward stroke to the thighs to assist a pupil doing star-jumps. However, on other occasions she deliberately hindered the pupils in their task. For example, she often placed her foot on the back of pupils doing press-ups (or stood in such a position that they could not avoid their faces coming into contact with her shoes on the down-stroke) and casually kicked, slapped and tickled the entire row of pupils attempting to stand on one leg, until all failed. While we regard this approach as commendably challenging, one of our inspectors felt that it was unduly discouraging and attempted gently to remonstrate with Miss Rylands, to which she responded with a phrase that we will not reprint here and must record as being thoroughly inappropriate in a classroom environment.

We also have to note that Miss Rylands smoked several cigarettes during this session, obviously against Departmental guidelines (albeit arguably legal, as the the school may count as a private facility) and particularly inappropriate in a physical education lesson. Despite apparently being a habitual smoker, Miss Rylands had neglected to bring an ashtray with her and once again, it was the pupils who had to deal with the consequences of this lapse.

After about 45 minutes, Miss Rylands started to dismiss the pupils, oldest first. Each was instructed to stand with hands on head and nose touching the wall, while the younger (or rather, less elderly) pupils continued the P.E. lesson. Finally, all the pupils were in this position and Miss Rylands simply left the room abruptly. It was not obvious to our inspectors whether the class was at an end or not (and they did not believe it fair to ask any of the pupils for advice, given the likely consequences for the latter of breaking silence), so after a few embarassed minutes they quietly left too, to rejoin the staff in the staffroom, where Ms Rylands appeared to be drinking a can of beer and smoking yet another cigarette – thankfully, this time flicking her ash into a proper receptacle.

Rather than disturb her – as she had taken such vigorous exception to the earlier advice she had been offered – our inspectors quietly tidied their notes, while (presumably) the pupils stood in silence, noses against the wall, for about a half hour, before being dismissed for showers (cold, supervised) and to change back into their uniforms.

We would recommend that Miss Ryland’s teaching qualifications be revoked, should she possess any. We discussed her case briefly with Mrs Thwackbottom, who merely described her as a ‘mean girl’ and a ‘Class A bitch’ (we regret having to reproduce this sexist slur) – but noted that she made quite a lot of money out of it, several of the school’s pupils apparently seeking her guidance on financial and other matters outside school hours. We did not press the matter further.

Pastoral care

The last item on the timetable for the day turned out to be another classroom exercise, but this time in social skills and sexual health. Mrs Thwackbottom conducted the class with the two other teachers and was able to unite these two apparently unrelated topics, by expounding her view that ‘respect for women’ was being undermined by excessive self-abuse (masturbation) by males in society.

She appeared to hold this view very strongly, along with some perhaps less justfiable concerns about the moral and physical harm potentially caused by excessive masturbation. She expounded very vigorously on these points both in general and with specific reference to the pupils in the class, each of whose sexual history, in turn, was exposed and mocked.

The inspectors therefore found it very surprising when, despite this clearly-expressed opposition to masturbation, Mrs Thwackbottom finished this lesson by insisting on the pupils masturbating to orgasm then and there. Furthermore, during this surprising turn of events, the two other teachers held and stroked one another in blatantly sexualised ways while mocking the masturbating pupils in front of them.

One positive result was that, for the first time in the entire school day, each of the pupils managed to achieve the objectives set for them, albeit after some time for the older members of class (and in one case considerable attention paid to Miss Rylands’ shoes). As each reached the stage of ejaculation, Mrs Thwackbottom and her colleagues expressed profound disgust and mockery but – again, uniquely in our observation of the school’s approach – failed then to take any consequential disciplinary action against what they appeared to consider a filthy sin (albeit one ordered my Mrs Thwackbottom herself). Indeed, it was against those pupils who were slower to reach orgasm that disciplinary measures were threatened, Mrs Thwackbottom repeatedly tapping her cane manacingly against her thigh, or flexing it as if in readiness to administer a beating – but, for once, not carrying out any such brutal action.

Regardless of any opinion they might hold about her view on masturbation itself, therefore, the inspectors felt that Mrs Thwackbottom could try to be more consistent in the way she expresses it in class. Numerous studies have shown the importance of consistency and clear messaging when it comes to communicating moral and social advice in particular, and although the pupils in Mrs Thwackbottom’s class may well have left it feeling satisfied, they must alkso surely have been left somewhat confused about her ambiguous attitude to self-stimulated sexual activity.

More generally, the class itself and the school day then broke up in somewhat ragged style and again the inspectors noticed an inconstency of approach. Despite her consistently rigorous and strict approach throughout the day, Mrs Thwackbottom took on a distinctly informal tone as the day ended, even hugging two of the pupils once they had changed out of uniform and were preparing to take their leave. At the same time, the two teachers who had been close to engaging in a lesbian tryst seemed to lose interest in one another and instead went around gathering up their belongings. Once the last pupil had left, Mrs Thwackbottom collated the fees (which, most unusually, seem to have been payable in cash on the day, each pupil handing over an envelope before registration) and handed some out to the other teachers who then departed. At this point, our inspectors, too, made their excuses and left.

Personal note: Chief Schools Inspector to Special Advisor to the Ministry of Education. Hi Julie. Bit of a strange one, as you can see! Legal seem fairly confident that this is not actually an ‘Educational Establishment’ within the meaning of the Act, so it need not fall within our purview and this report could simply be deleted and forgotten, along with all of the related files. On the other hand, one of our inspectors discovered that the Minister himself occasionally attends the establishment. I must confess myself surprised he can find the time in all his onerous public duties for such continuous education but Mrs Thwackbottom (apparently under the impression we were something to do with HM Tax Inspectorate) insisted he was a regular and we should discuss the matter with him. So we wondered if after all, it might be of interest to forward this to the Department and perhaps even circulate more widely?

What do you think? I really can’t decide, not least because of worries over the continuing uncertainty over our budget for the next two years and especially the crucial issue of senior staff salaries. I do hope a ministerial decision on that will be forthcoming soon… I’m afraid the Minister’s homework on this one is well and truly overdue. Mrs Thwackbottom would not approve, of that I’m quite sure!

All best wishes

Rachel

Mrs Thwackbottom. Although both she and – a fortiori – her more junior staff often sport distinctly atypical modes of dress on school premises, Mrs Thwackbottom does seem to have a sentimental attachment to academic gowns.

One of the many (and least explicit) photographs of daily school life, from BSNB’s own web site. A brief perusal of this site satisfied our inspectors that no propsective pupil could be in doubt about the disciplinary regime to which he would be subjected. Considerably more material is available on the site, but this requires a monthly subscription, which Management decided would be unlikely to pass annual audit. The teachers featured here were not present on the day of inspection; indeed the school seems to employ a large number of teachers at different times, some of whom are apparently also enrolled as students (‘school prefects’). We feel this could imperil the consistency of pupil’s learning experience, although many of the main themes of instruction seem to be common regardless of which teacher leads a class or indeed what the academic subject of that class might notionally be.

Remarkably, the school boasts a very well-equipped medical clinic, although the qualified professional normally staffing it (“Matron”) was not present the day of our inspection so we were unable to assess the quality of medical care provided.

A classroom scene. The meagre stationery available to the pupil is sadly typical of the school, despite daily fee rates that are higher than some establishments would charge for a month.

Yes, Madam Prime Minister

A sequel to this.

To: tjl@mmc.gov.fem
From: lhh@pmo.gov.fem
Subject: Re: New publication: Your Government – Working for Women

Security classification: confidential election nomales

Hi Tilly

Thanks for the draft of the comprehensive Policy Evaluation. It’s a great document: what a fantastic record of policy achievement (no false modesty here at Number 10!). It’s amazing what can be achieved without men around to screw things up.

The PM will love it. One of her pet hates is ‘department-itis’, when each Minister implies she’s the only one really promoting women-oriented policies. From the Minister of Education banging on about the re-introduction of caning in boys’ schools (btw, do you think maybe she’s a leeeetle too obsessive about schoolboys being caned…? I mean…😬), via the Minister of Employment’s ‘Re-training and Skill Development’ centres for unemployed males (to be honest, I didn’t know we had that many quarries in this country), to the Minister of Defence claiming credit for the successes of the rebels in Saudi Arabia (sure, our weapons help but to hear her speak, it’s almost as if she were there with those brave girls in the desert, you know? But we all love her and she did look simply stunning driving that tank.) Anyway, great to see all our initiatives related to crushing the patriarchy (sorry: ‘Women’s liberation’ !!) all in one document.

Just a few suggestions.

1. The section on Science and Technology? I’ll admit I haven’t been keeping a close eye on this policy area, but I’m a bit worried if the account here of what goes on in the new Research Centres is accurate. The Medical Interventions for Rape Prevention study for instance. OK, so I understand that the scientific method requires a control group and randomised treatments but… we’re castrating hundreds of men at random? I mean, I’m not opposed as such… just didn’t know. And it could be off-putting to moderate voters, so… might want to tone down that section a bit? More emphasis on what happened to the test subjects who were rapists, rather than those who weren’t (and never will be, now 😊)

2. Same section. The publication record from the new University Departments of Female Superiority is very impressive – I had no idea! Looks like we’re leading the world in demonstrating that males are stupid, lazy and annoying. Which – obviously – we all knew, but it’s nice to see that peer reviewed studies support it with statistically-significant findings. Maybe some kind of table summarising the scientific evidence on just how fucking useless males are? Just the highlights, obviously as there are far too many ways to list them all in a publication like this.

3. Same section, quick point: in the section on medical research, the programme’s called ‘Nurturing Amenable Natures through Neurological Implants’ (NANNI – cute, huh?), not ‘brain clamps’ – that was just an internal, informal name for it and the PM thinks it might send the wrong signals.

4. Employment statistics – brilliant. Overall employment up, female managerial positions increased by a factor of five, Board representation of women now at 95% (why not 100? Are we keeping a few places for subs, to make it look like men have a say? Seems a bit last-year, no?). All at the same time as male employment has jumped to 100% and stayed there! Although I do wonder whether we can actually export all that stuff they’re quarrying out in the places-we-dont-call-labour-camps. What do they dig out anyway? I mean, rocks, obviously but any particular kind? Do you know? Does anyone?

5. Civil Rights. Very important section. Just the other day, the Leader of the Opposition was claiming that it’s illegal for her to speak out against our policies. Which is so offensive – she’s female, so she can say what she likes, this isn’t North Fucking Korea! If her right to free speech is so restricted, how come she’s on TV all the time banging on about oppressive mistreatment of men? (OK, the PM is also often on TV talking about the oppressive mistreatment of men, but in a positive way, obviously). Anyway, maybe add a few words about how free speech for women is actually being protected by our policies – e.g. the ‘Don’t you Dare Interrupt Her!’ campaign?

6. Photos of males. Again, can we tweak the balance – maybe a few more pictures of men looking a bit happier? There are some of those already: the husband doing the laundry on page 8, the young guy making coffee in a business meeting on page 13 – oh, and definitely the young couple out for a walk with their dog on page 5! I love the way the photographer has caught the exact same expression and pose for the young male and the dog! I mean, the guy’s not actually on a leash but it subconsciously suggests… well, anyway: it’s brilliant. More like that. Not to say there should be no pictures of sexists looking thoroughly miserable too, of course: obviously, we need to appeal to our young activists who want to see the bastards suffering! But I counted 17 pictures of men looking unhappy, 11 of which had them actually in pain or chains/cages etc and maybe that’s a bit much for the more ‘middle-of-the-road’ femsuprem voter, bless her kindly heart, you know?

Fantastic work, anyway! Your Policy Evaluation will be a great springboard for the next election. The PM wants to make sure everyone understands how our Party has benefitted all women: sure we are going to crush the ‘Equality Party’ but she’s worried some of the radical fem-suprem parties might be taking the youth vote. The opinion pollsters tell us that those parties’ extremist image doesn’t play well with the ordinary voter: all whips and chains and cattle-prods, you know? (I’m all in favour of those things but best kept in the bedroom, I say 😉). Still, the PM wants some messaging to voters that they can rely on us to continue ratcheting up the oppression of males, so they don’t turn to some jack-booted young firebrand (did you see the pictures of Janice Alicesdaughter speaking at that RadFem rally – in those boots and leather cape? It may not be good political imagery but it was fucking hot! I think we lost 10% of the lesbian vote that day).

So the ladies who spin have come up with a mock campaign: ‘There’s a reason for that’. Killer stats on stuff that works better now we’re in charge: where the word ‘reason’ is supposed to imply sensible moderation instead of the whippy-chainy thing. A few examples below – don’t worry about the exact look, this is an off-the-whiteboard tiger teaming brain dump. Any thoughts?

And finally, on a matter of policy substance (crazy, I know, but we do occasionally think about things other than image and social media), we’re kicking around some policy proposals for the next election. Thoughts?

– Introduce mixed sixth forms at boys’ schools. Sounds like a step backwards, right? But hear me out, as they say. We’d allow older girls to transfer in to the sixth form at every male school. Why? In an old-fashioned word: fagging. That’s nothing to do with gay male sex (well, only indirectly), it means giving school prefects disciplinary rights over other pupils. Which was abolished years ago, because of its potential for sadistic abuse but obviously it’s a completely different ballgame if girls are the only ones in charge. We quietly carried out a pilot study and the girls’ response was amazingly enthusiastic. I feel so proud of this young generation… they’ll do so much, with their new-found freedoms. Anyway, looks like an effective programme but the PM’s worried about the optics? I mean, does it sound too, well, pervy? It is an initiative of the Minister of Education, after all – see comments above re her ‘interest’ in school punishments 🫤! I mean, she actually wanted the girls to wear gym-slips, can you believe that? And possibly the boys too…

– Streamline the transfer of responsibility for males. So, right now, if a woman wants to become the Responsible Female for a male, she has to register her interest and then the Office of Responsibility needs to approve and process the transfer – either from another RF or a State facility. It seems like a lot of fuss. Why not simply let RFs come to a private arrangement? Of course, if there’s a lot of interest from RFs in a male for some reason, it would be reasonable to expect a financial consideration in return. Responsibility rights could even be auctioned in public… perhaps several males could be displayed, made to show off their talents, and women willing to take on the burden of looking after them could bid for them. Seems quite novel, but I’m assured there are historical parallels.

– Remove voting rights for men. Too soon?

Oh and do you have any suggestions for how to counter this RadFem shock-collar proposal? Focus groups suggest it’s got almost 30% approval among women, as much as 55% for younger voters. We thought about saying it’s a waste of electricity, but apparently even if the entire male population of the country were all shocked at the same time, writhing in the ground for a full hour (lovely image!), it would add less than 1% to overall energy demand. Who knew that overthrowing the patriarchy was such an environmentally-friendly thing? Of course we could just steal the idea 🤭🤭

It would be nice to see a printed, glossy version, by the way. Could you print a few up and send them across? Maybe that new intern could bring them over – you know, the blond lad you sent last time. With the blue eyes. You wouldn’t need him back immediately, right?

kiss kiss

Lindy

Special Political Advisor to the Prime Minister

Rt. Hon. Linda Harcourt, GCMG

Prime Minister’s Office

10 Dworkin St, Whitehall, SW 1

O Fearefull frowning Nemesis

Daughter of Justice, most severe / That art the world’s great Arbitresse / And Queene of causes raigning heere.

Don’t try explaining that it’s too late to do anything about it now. She knows exactly what she intends to do about it, and it’s never too late.

Ironically enough, Pam herself has slaves make the cakes. But I doubt that’ll do him any good.

The wonderful Mistress Sidonia of course, Head Mistress and goddess incarnate at the English Mansion.

What Colin has here is a failure not to communicate. But I’m sure he’ll be given some very direct feedback to help him improve.

Speak softly and always carry a massive dildo.

Penny in my thoughts

Not a proper post, just a quickie to note that this blog was an early admirer of British politician Penny Mordaunt. Not for her political views, to be honest I barely know what those are and I doubt I would actually find much to agree with if I did. But more for her firm, no-nonsense style and the fact that… well, she looks like this:

I mean, goodness. Don’t you think? I do. And since you ‘read’ this blog, I suspect you do too.

Oh, and the one other thing I knew about her is that she once made a speech in parliament purporting to be about poultry farming, which was actually an excuse to use the word ‘cock’ as often as possible in a formal legislative debate, as a result of a lost bet. See – she’s not all stern strictness.

Anyway, yes, her job at the moment is the one announced in the photo below, and as you can see, she is firmly determined and ready to do… to do… well, whatever it is a Lord President of the Council actually does. No one really knows – it’s a British thing to have political jobs with weird titles, like Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, Chief Whip or Black Rod.

But one aspect of the job became clear yesterday. She does this:

Penny Mordaunt MP is breakout star as her sword is 'Pippa Middleton's Bum of Coronation' - Daily Star

To which all I can say is, if she ever runs out of umbrella-holders in this grey and damp little island of ours, I stand (or better, kneel) ready to serve.

Who is Penny Mordaunt? Leader of the House of Commons had a star turn at King Charles's Coronation | Tatler

Oh, and while ‘researching’ this post, I discovered images of her like the below too. No, not a photo-manipulation. This is the actual member of Parliament for Portsmouth, taking part in an actual diving competition on TV.

She’s also a vice-admiral in the Navy, by the way.

Phew.

Twelve honest women

All rise for her Ladyship! This court is now in session.

Members of the jury. You have now heard all of the evidence in this case, as well as the summing-up arguments of the defense, so eloquently put to us by defending counsel Ms Ingrams there,whom I would like to compliment once more on her cogent arguments. And the stuff that prosecuting counsel said too, of course. Ms… erm, Langham I think? No, don’t get up, Ms Langham. You’ve said all you need to say, I think. Don’t worry: you did quite well, too.

As you know, members of the jury, the prisoner – Ms Rebecca Frances Davenport – stands accused of various crimes of violence which are, in descending order of severity: grievous bodily harm, actual bodily harm and assault. It is your job to decide whether she is guilty of any crime and if you do so decide, which of those it should be.

The fact of this particular case are not substantially in doubt or disputed by either party. We are concerned with the injuries sustained by Ms Davenport’s husband, Tom, when she beat him, first with a cane and then with a riding whip, after he served her coffee that was too milky.

Now, members of the jury, you may well wonder what there is in this that requires the involvement of the law? Surely in this day and age a woman has a right to beat her husband as she sees fit and for whatever reason she chooses – or indeed no reason? I am sure we have all inflicted painful punishments on males from time to time, no doubt all richly deserved – should we therefore fear the heavy hand of the local police, following some healthy domestic corrective action?

Obviously not, members of the jury. The law, thankfully, recognises the needs of males for physical chastisement and the rights of responsible females to provide it. Yet it also specifies that only ‘reasonable force’ can be used. You may feel that a wife’s rights over her husband should have no such limitation and so might I, so might any of us, but we do not make the law, ladies of the jury, and even after twelve years of Femsuprem government, this restriction remains in the law, albeit rarely tested in court.

What does it mean, this word ‘reasonable’, members of the jury? That will be for you to decide on the facts of this case, but I can give you some guidance.

First, ‘reasonableness’ refers to the severity of the beating sustained. You will have seen the detailed photographs of the buttocks and thighs of Ms Davenport’s Tom, following the beating. Or beatings. You will have noticed the many criss-crossed welts from cane and whip, the extensive bruising in all shades of purples, browns and even black. I hope it is not inappropriate for me to note that Tom Davenport has a rather attractive, muscular pair of buttocks so no doubt – like me – you examined those photographs closely and with great interest.

In fact, Clerk to the court, do you think we might be shown the photographs again?

Splendid. Mmm. Yes, there we are, members of the jury. Study the evidence carefully, so you can recall every detail when you come to deliberate. Observe for example the cross-hatching on the right thigh, where Ms Davenport – clearly a most skillful wielder of the disciplinary rod – has first laid down a ladder of horizontal stripes with the cane, at near mathematically precise intervals, then some half an hour later, after devoting herself to abusing some other area of his flesh, returned and positioned herself in front of her secured husband and completed this grid pattern we see here with an exactly equivalent set of vertical strokes from her whip.

You will no doubt recall, members of the jury, how Tom sobbed with pain and fear even at the recollection of this part of his beating, as he described it stroke by stroke, with these fine photographs arranged to provide the colour, so to speak, to his shaking, tearful description. Indeed, members of the jury, one of you at least will recall that testimony very well, as we all heard that you were unable to contain your excitement. No cause for embarrassment, madam, still less – as counsel for the prosecution suggested – a reason to consider you biased and thus unfit to serve. It is perfectly normal, healthy and proper for a female to become sexually excited when contemplating a male being punished. You merely articulated what many of us, I dare say, were feeling, but with fewer inhibitions. And perhaps a little more loudly.

These bruises – whips and cane strokes, members of the jury – are the injuries at issue in this case. The prosecution withdrew the allegation that the injuries to ankles and wrists were in any way Ms Davenport’s fault, as those were inflicted by her male upon himself, as he struggled under the lashes of her discipline. A fine pickle we would all be in, members of the jury, if any husband could escape the consequences of wifely retribution merely by jerking his arms so much when secured across the family whipping block, so as to dislocate his wrist or elbow!

So, members of the jury, have a last look at these photographs before I must ask the clerk to take them away again. Consider the welts and bruises inflicted – consider them carefully. They are certainly skillful, and I think it is clear that they were most effective in bringing home to Tom the errors of his ways and thus ensuring a more harmonious domestic environment. You might consider them, although severe, well within the boundaries that are – and should be – allowed for domestic discipline in our society. Bearing in mind the importance of suppressing all or any glimmers of male rebellion, after we finally threw off centuries of male oppression. You might feel that Ms Davenport should be praised for her skill and her firmness in how she dealt with her husband and wish to reward rather than penalise her for that. However, your task is a simpler one: was this firm, effective – and no doubt for Ms Davenport thoroughly enjoyable – thrashing a reasonable way for her to discipline her husband, just as reasonable as any beating any of us might inflict on our partners, any night of the week? You may well think so, members of the jury, you might well think so.

However, you might also choose to decide for whatever reason seems proper to you, that this action was unreasonably painful for Tom. The question, for the avoidance of doubt, being whether you consider the pain inflicted unreasonably severe. You are not being asked to decide whether Ms Davenport was unreasonably lenient on Tom. You might decide she was unreasonably severe… perhaps because you believe, in effect, that males even in firmly loving disciplinary relationships should be able to count on the law to protect them, should they – the males, members of the jury – themselves decide that the pain is too much for them. Perhaps you might think that you would be entirely content if your own husband were to turn around and warn you not to hurt him too much, threatening you with prosecution. You might think any of those things, members of the jury, and if you do then you might decide that the level of pain inflicted in this case, as shown in these splendid photographs, was unreasonable. You might decide that; you have that right and duty. Or you might decide that there’s nothing wrong with a woman beating her man to the best of her ability and that the pain will do him nothing but good. It is up to you.

Clerk of the court, with regret I must ask you to take the photographs away again.

Now, members of the jury, there is a second element to ‘reasonableness’ and that relates to the severity of the punishment in relation to the fault Tom committed. As you will recall: he served his wife coffee that was too milky.

Now, counsel for the prosecution devoted considerable efforts to paint this act of Tom’s as somehow undeserving of the thrashing that he received. You may have found the prosecution’s arguments a little hard to follow there, members of the jury. I am not sure I myself can help you much in understanding them, but I will do my best. I believe young Ms Langham’s point was that milky coffee is not such a bad thing. That – in effect – Ms Davenport should simply have put up with the milky coffee. Perhaps, members of the jury, the prosecution would like you to think she should have drunk coffee that was milkier than she enjoys, to avoid hurting the feelings of – or in other ways hurting – her husband. She could, in short, have taken some discomfort upon herself, privileging the feelings and desires of a male, above her own. As women did for so many centuries under the patriarchy. Perhaps the prosecution also believes she should have taken on some of the housework, to give poor Tom a break, put on an apron and cooked him a meal – or even gone down on her knees before him, unlocked his belt and given him a blow-job? Perhaps. We don’t know. All the prosecution said was that Ms Davenport should have simply forced down the unpleasantly milky coffee without complaining. That this would have been more ‘reasonable’ then the actions she in fact took. Perhaps you agree with that idea, members of the jury. Or perhaps you do not.

Let me nonetheless remind you of a few relevant facts to consider. First: Ms Davenport has been Tom’s wife for over four years and was his Responsible Female for some eight months prior to that. She is not – and I believe this is undisputed – new to coffee drinking, members of the jury. Tom has been making her cups of coffee for all of that time. Every day, usually more than once. Tom knew how she liked her coffee, members of the jury. A crucial point, so I shall emphasise it again: Tom knew how she liked her coffee. Yet he made it too milky. She likes her coffee quite dark… Tom knew that but made it milky. An act of rebellion, perhaps, members of the jury? Or merely the act of an unthinking male, characteristically concerned only with his own convenience and thinking nothing of the needs and wants of the woman whom he promised to love, serve and obey when they married? Either way, I am sure you will want to consider very carefully whether you wish to characterise a corrective beating in response to such behaviour as ‘unreasonable’, members of the jury. But of course that is a matter for your judgement.

Second, we have heard Ms Davenport’s evidence – corroborated by Tom when he was strapped across the witness block – that this was the third time in the last year that he had served her coffee that was too milky. The third time, members of the jury! He repeatedly served her coffee he knew she would not like! Is that the act of an obedient husband? Should she allow it to pass unrebuked? Is it really that unreasonable for a husband to spend a few hours screaming and struggling under a relentless beating when he has willfully ignored his wife’s wishes time and time again? Indeed, how ‘reasonable’ would it be for Ms Davenport – for any woman – to suffer such a repeated gesture of contempt and not inflict a thorough beating, I ask you? I can merely ask: it is of course for you to decide that, not for me.

Finally, we come to the conflicting evidence relating to Ms Davenport’s instructions to Tom, when she dispatched him to the kitchen to prepare the coffee. She has testified that she clearly said “And don’t put too much milk in it, maggot!”, ‘maggot’ of course being the affectionate nick-name she uses at home to refer to Tom. The maggot himself – Tom, that is – denies that she made any such remark, and maintained that position even under vigorous cross-examination over the witness block. Rather a crucial piece of evidence, members of the jury, as even those of you who might for some reason feel well-disposed towards Tom and inclined to be lenient towards his apparent total lack of interest in his wife’s comfort might feel that serving milky coffee following such an instruction is tantamount to direct disobedience. Direct disobedience, members of the jury.

Direct. Disobedience.

Something none of us would tolerate in our own relationships, I venture to say. But that is of course for you to decide, not for me. Perhaps you are of a different opinion. That is your right.

But many of us would no doubt feel that if such an instruction were given, Ms Davenport has no case to answer.

Yet was such an instruction given? Here we have two witnesses offering conflicting evidence on this point, members of the jury! Ms Davenport says she gave such an instruction, Tom says she did not. She says she did. He says she did not. How can we resolve this conundrum? Fortunately, I can be of service to you on that point, as the law is quite clear in this regard: when a female witness and male witness provide conflicting accounts like this, the female’s evidence is to be accepted and the male’s disregarded. That is now established case-law, with numerous precedents dating back to soon after the Liberation. It is in any event only common sense: females being generally trustworthy while males, as we all know, are duplicitous, lying little weasels. So you can put your minds at rest: Tom lied in the witness box and his evidence is to be disregarded. He was instructed to ensure the coffee was not too milky: the evidence on that is uncontested. Uncontested by any female, anyway, and legally that amounts to the same thing.

So: members of the jury, that is the case in a nutshell. It is now for you to decide whether Ms Davenport is guilty or not guilty.

You will of course be well aware of the intense media interest in this case. Cases brought by husbands against their wives are thankfully rare and I believe this is the first time for several years that a male has sought to bring such serious charges against any Responsible Female, let alone his wife. Public opinion in some quarters is running understandably hot but I must advise you not to be influenced by anything you may have seen or read. You must put such headlines as “Drink that, you bitch or I’ll have the law on you!” and “Criminal waste of police time and public money” or other such over-simplified characterisations of this matter entirely from your minds. Similarly, you may or may not be aware that certain underground – and illegal – ‘men’s lib’ publications are following the case with keen, if rather furtive, interest. One such – a squalid publication absurdly named Equal rights for men now! – even sees the decision I shall shortly ask you to retire to consider to be, as with some distaste I quote, “the first step in rolling back the oppressive and brutal Femsuprem state.”

Like the rest of us, they must await your decision, ladies of the jury. Whether you wish to encourage men’s libbers in their shrill and self-centred campaign, or not, I urge you to put any such considerations entirely aside and decide only the case in front of you: is Ms Davenport guilty, or not guilty? And decide that on the facts. Let any political consequences fall as they may.

And that is the only decision in front of you: remember, Tom is not the accused and you are not here to decide what should happen to him, no matter how much you might like to be able to do so.

No: the accused today is a woman, a female. As you are female. As I am. And I will leave you with just one more piece of legal advice and that – as counsel for the defense explained earlier so well – is something known as the golden thread that runs through English justice: the presumption of female innocence. Every woman, no matter how severe a crime she is accused of, is innocent until proven guilty. If there is any reasonable – that word again, madam jurors! – any reasonable doubt as to the guilt of the accused, then she must be set free. That is a cornerstone of female liberty, in this United Queendom.

So: members of the jury. It is time for you to retire to consider your verdict.

(Two minutes later)

Madam Forewoman, welcome back. have you reached a verdict on which you are all agreed?

Jury forewoman: We have, Your Ladyship.

And do you find the accused, Ms Rebecca Frances Davenport, guilty or not guilty?

Jury forewoman: Not guilty on all counts, Your Ladyship.

Thank you. You have discharged your duty admirably, no doubt weighing up –

Jury forewoman: And if I may say so, Your Ladyship, we think the little swine deserved everything he got and then some. I’d have given him a second full dose later the same day, if my husband had –

Yes, erm.. thank you Madam Forewoman. I’m sure we all share… anyway, you have been most helpful. You have carried out your duty in a case that… well, some might say should frankly never have been brought, but I am nonetheless grateful. You may –

Jury forewoman: And also, if any tosser of a man thinks he can –

Yes, THANK YOU, Madam Forewoman, members of the jury. You may stand down.

Now. First of all, it is my very pleasant duty, Ms Davenport, to declare you not guilty. An innocent woman, entirely cleared of all charges and without a stain on your character. You may thrash males with the skill and vigour you displayed towards your Tom without the slightest concern that the law might seek to intervene to soften the blows, so to speak.

Rebecca Davenport: Thank you, Your Ladyship. I’m so pleased.

I’m sure all right-thinking citizens are, Ms Davenport. Indeed, although in my supervision of these proceedings and my summing up I had to be scrupulously unbiased, to ensure an absolutely fair trial, now the jury has reached its well-justified decision, I will note for the record that I believe the Police and the Public Prosecution Service have some serious questions to ask themselves about their decision to intervene in this matter. What exactly they were thinking, to bring the full majesty of the law into a simple and wholesome domestic beating? That mystifies me as it has mystified so much of the press. It may even be a resigning matter, in some quarters.

I’ll confess I found it difficult at times to restrain my extreme scepticism about the case that has been brought before me and my irritation at the – frankly – rather sexist implications of the idea that a woman cannot beat her male as she sees fit. I had thought those dark days of male impunity were behind us. Following the jury’s wise decision, perhaps at last they are.

I should note for the record, however, that my criticism does not extend to counsel for the prosecution, who really has done her best, I believe. Barristers, especially junior barristers (and by her youthful appearance I believe Ms Langham to be very junior), must accept briefs that come to them and Ms Langham was doing her job and carrying out her duty, in making the best case she could on behalf of this wretched male.

Ms Langham (blushing): Thank you, Your Ladyship.

And your rather pretty blush reminds me, Ms Langham, of how I – and I think we all – felt the greatest sympathy for your embarrassment when you had to present some of the more absurd elements of the prosecution’s case. At least you did it most fetchingly – you wear the barristers robe so well – and it was a pleasure to have you in my court. No, sit down, now Ms Langham! You have carried out your disagreeable task very well and if we did not always agree with what you had to say, I for one thoroughly enjoyed listening to you say it. I hope you are able to take on rather more wholesome work as your career develops.

Finally, more seriously, I turn to what should become of Tom Davenport. As I explained to the jury, he is not on trial here. Yet there is obviously now a serious question of whether charges should be brought for wasting police time and for perjury – which he obviously committed when he contradicted the evidence of a woman, while under oath. These are serious charges and if found guilty of both, Tom Davenport as he now is (but he would lose his name, of course) could face a sentence of up to thirty-five years in a Male Re-education Centre. Even without going to the trouble of such a trial, I could here and now sentence him to eighteen months in an MRC for contempt of court.

I am minded to do so. The healthy outdoor air, the constant physical labour and of course the frequent attentions of skilled and qualified Male Re-education Officers, would clearly do Tom nothing but good. He would emerge a changed man – changed much for the better. I can consign him to such a camp only for up to eighteen months, as I said, but the Camp Commander or her deputies can extend his stay indefinitely in the case of, for example, disobedience, disrespect or repeated laziness. Given his behaviour in married life, such offences seem almost certain, so although I cannot directly impose the sentence of many years that he so richly deserves, without wasting still more time and money on trials, I am confident he would receive an appropriate ‘education’ and would be able to take the time needed to let the lessons sink in.

However.

There is another course of action. His wife, Ms Davenport, has by her actions already demonstrated her devotion to his improvement and her determination that he should mend his ways. As well has her skill and vigour in encouraging him to do so. Rather than making him a burden on the State and having him take up a square metre or two of bare concrete in a cell block that could otherwise be used to house a male with no such loving alternative, I am inclined simply to release him back into her care. However, she is of course entirely within her rights to reject the selfish little swine, in which case I will happily consign him to the care of the MRS. Ms Davenport, would you be willing to take this ungrateful male back?

Rebecca Davenport: Oh yes, Your Ladyship. Willing and quite ready, believe me.

Your commitment to his welfare makes you a role model for women everywhere, Ms Davenport. Very well. Clerk of the court, please record that the court instructs the MRS to restore Rebecca Davenport’s rights over the boy Tom, of the same name, as his Responsible Female. Also, that the aforesaid Tom receives a suspended sentence of eighteen months re-educational labour at the discretion of his Responsible Female, that sentence to lapse after thirty years if no further offence is committed. And finally, the aforesaid Tom is hereby sentenced to – I’m sorry, that’s the wrong word, please strike it from the record – released into the care of his wife and Responsible Female, the aforesaid Rebecca Davenport.

Good. Anything else?

Thank you, ladies. This court is no longer in session. Ms Langham, I wonder if you would care to join me in my private chambers, for a quick glass of sherry?

All rise!

Miss Langham. She really is very young, poor thing, to take on such a difficult brief. But her senior colleagues (who had all skillfully avoided taking the case) advised her that if she did her best and smiled at the judge a lot, the judge would probably treat her kindly. And they were right.

Yes, Madam Minister

In the so-called ‘real world’ the new female PM of the United Kingdom is having a difficult start, having accidentally killed off a beloved monarch in her first week and then hurtling downhill from there. In a better-run parallel world, however, a newly-elected counterpart is getting on with some much-needed legislative reforms. The email below reached me through a trans-dimensionoodly doohickey gizmo, so I thought I’d pass it on to you.

To: tjl@mmc.gov.fem
From: lhh@pmo.gov.fem
Subject: Draft Male Re-education legislation

Security classification: confidential policydev. Female eyes only.

Hi Tilly

Just passing on some drafting points for the MRA your department is preparing. The PM asked her comms team for some advice and they’ve come up with the following. Anything you don’t agree with, just brief your Minister and she can bring it up in Thursday’s Cabinet. PM still absolutely committed to this: it’s the centrepiece of her programme. Mostly just some language
suggestions.

Main points from the comms girls:

They didn’t like the name. Male Re-education Act. Not sure why, maybe same idea as not liking ‘Re-education
Camp’, see below. But this is the name we’ve been using since the election campaign, so ignore this one. Anyway, it is going to be educational. Very! 😉
Replace ‘sexist scum’ in Intro with ‘males with old-fashioned attitudes’. And throughout.
Similarly, in the background section remove the word ‘moronic’ from the stuff about patriarchal oppression and they suggest using ‘a healing process’ instead of ‘retribution’. Shame to tone down what I thought was an excellent section but the important thing is to get the law passed. Then we can say and do what we like.
In ‘Our proposals’ section use ‘meaningful exchange of views’ instead of ‘grinding the sexist opponents of female
supremacy beneath our boots’. I think I detect your Minister’s own hand (and boot!) in that one! PM loved it, but probably has to go. 😊
‘Re-education camps’. This is the big one: comms team just went on and on about totalitarian imagery, blah blah fascism. They suggested ‘Nurturing Centres’ – excuse me while I vomit! So, maybe this is something to discuss. A quick brainstorm round the girls in the PMO came up with ‘Sexism Retraining Facilities’ (but it sounds like we’re training them to be better at sexism, which is the opposite of the point!), ‘Male Re-orientation Facilities’ (I quite liked that) and ‘Male Betterment
Centres’ (bleah but at least it’s not ‘nurturing’). Welcome suggestions!
Use ‘appropriate medical intervention’ for the c-word. Actually, this is something you really should already have picked up on: a memo was sent around just after the election banning the word ‘c*str*tion’ or any direct synonyms in any official government
communications. (And on Twitter – maybe something you could remind your Minister about, hmmmm?? Again!??).
Some of the budget line items: ‘restraints’, ‘cattle prods’, ‘whips’ etc could all be consolidated into one line reading ‘educational equipment’; ‘enemas’ and ‘ice baths’ into ‘medical supplies’ etc. Plus, see point 6 above concerning some of the medical supplies, OK? You know the ones I mean.
NB: not a comms issue but just on the finances, the reviewers commented on how low the budget for inmate food is. I had the same reaction: I divided the total by the expected number of inmates and I was a bit shocked. Are you quite sure you can keep an adult male alive on this much? I mean, we’re all in favour of saving taxpayers’ money, but we don’t want them dying of starvation. Not many of them, anyway. Just have another look.
On the other hand, the budget for guards’ uniforms is astronomical! We want them to look smart but the girls at HM Treasury are going to push back on this. I understand this is because you plan to use high-quality leather designs and I’m sure they’ll look fabulous – so just make sure they do, OK? Goddess knows they should, for that kind of money! PM is probably OK to sign off, but you might want to kit out a couple of guards in demonstration uniforms and send them across to No 10 for
the PM to take a look. I suggest younger guards, preferably blonde, and you might want to check they’re not entirely
heterosexual too, if you know what I mean? I think you do! 😜
Back to drafting points. A few words the comms girls flagged for reconsideration: ‘insects’ (only problematic as used to refer to males, OK in the context of the inmates’ diets), use ‘benefiting’ not ‘suffering’ throughout, ‘developing practical work skills’ not ‘forced labour’ (and omit the reference there to nudity), ‘meditation posts’ for ‘pillories’, ‘step exercise’ not ‘treadmill’, ‘
well-adjusted’ not ‘obedient’, ‘intensive care’ and ‘treatments’ not ‘torture’ – and actually, you can lose the entire section describing all the ‘treatments’ recalcitrant offenders can receive in what I’ll call the ‘intensive care’ facilities. The section must have been fun to write and it was certainly fun to read (not sure I’ve ever been aroused by a legislative draft before 😏) but all of these ‘treatments’ you describe in such agonising (pun intended!) detail are authorised under the general language of Article 17(d) anyway, so no need to spell it all out. Any male who claims he didn’t realise the meaning of ‘any method the Warden (or any Guard to whom she deputises that decision) considers appropriate’ has only himself to blame when he’s strapped down
shrieking to an ‘intensive care’ table for ‘treatments’ !
On the same theme, returning to the budget, have you considered saving 12% on the cost of the ‘intensive care centre’ in the ~~camp~~ (sorry! old habits!) facility by leaving out the soundproofing? It’s already deep underground. And if any faint sounds do get out, does anyone really mind? Could be quite ‘educational’ for the other inmates, anyway, hearing a little of what happens if they misbehave. Incidentally, I understand there will be a VIP viewing area in the first ‘facility’. Looking forward to my invitation to the grand opening!
Finally, just on how you describe the procedures for the release of rehabilitated prisoners… I’m really going to have to insist here. Cos the PM herself is a bit annoyed about this one, OK, Tilly? And you know how bad that can be. Look: she loves your Minister’s commitment to female supremacy and there isn’t a hairs-breadth difference between them on policy matters. But she had to come down hard on this sort of language during the election campaign when your Minister let her enthusiasm run away with her and she’s disappointed to see the same language in this draft. Once and for all: males on release are ‘Citizens Under Supervision of Responsible Females’ and when they pass from one RF to another a ‘Custodial Acceptance Fee’ is paid.
They are not ‘slaves’ and they are certainly not ‘auctioned off to the highest bidder’. For Goddess’ sake, can you just get
your Minister to read the f***ing memo?

Sorry to come down so hard on that last point. But the PM was quite insistent. She was in a foul mood when she left the meeting but I think she took it out on her husband as usual, so the thunderclouds have now cleared and we can all breathe easily again here in the PMO!

More domestically, are you still on for lunch on Sunday? I thought I might tell Mike to prepare a roast – very traditional! As is the new uniform I bought him, as you’ll see! Let me know if you’re going to bring George but there should be enough scraps for both of them anyway.

Kiss kiss

Lindy

Rt. Hon. Linda Harcourt, GCMG

Special Political Advisor to the Prime Minister

Prime Minister’s Office

10 Downing St

I’ll be sure to share any follow-ups with you, of course. Thus far, I have only seen one email with no text except the words “No worries, Lindy: they do look fabulous 😍😍😍 !” and the attachment below.