Fulfilment

I did a few of these, back at the old site. Here’s another.

Hel-lo?  FDS Fulfilment Solutions. I’m Katie, how can I help you today?

Hmm?  Yeah, FDS Fulfilment Solutions? If you’re calling this number, probably you ordered a package from some business that uses our services. Hang on, the system will automatically show me your last order, if this is the phone number you registered when buying on-line, so… no, don’t hang up! It’ll only take a moment.

Right, so are you Mr Malcolm Curtis, 23 Acacia Drive, Solihull? OK, great.  Thank you for waiting, Mr Curtis.

Now the only entry I can see for you is an order from… Bitch Princess Lydia’s Loser Store, is that right?  One… used tampon.

Right.

So, er… what’s the problem Mr Curtis? Did it not arrive?

A bit embarrassing?  OK, yeah, I can imagine it would be – but go on, you might as well tell me? We get occasional embarrassing situations here, as you can imagine – just this morning, I had a client who’d ordered a dining table and he’d forgotten to check the size, so it didn’t fit through his door.  Which is… y’know, a bit embarrassing… even if it’s not quite the same, obviously.

It wasn’t what, sorry?

Used. Right. Wasn’t used. Yeah, I can see how that would be frustrating for you.

Well, look, I can send a note to… to Bitch Princess Lydia noting that the order as fulfilled didn’t match the description on the web site. Generally, our suppliers respond quite fast when we do that, as obviously they don’t want to be delisted, and FDS doesn’t want to be associated with a company that… that…

Actually, it looks like Bitch Princess Lydia’s Store has already been delisted. Doesn’t say why. Sorry. So I don’t think there’s anything I can… erm…

Mmm….

Look, I probably shouldn’t do this but as it happens it’s that time of month for me, and I can… I mean, if you really want a, erm…

No, really. No problem. I’ve got your address, so I can just pop into the loo here on my next break and erm…

No, don’t worry about the postage, I can put it through the system.

In a plastic bag? Yeah, sure. To keep it, to keep it… fresh, right? Makes sense. Yeah.

No, really, no trouble at all.  “Fulfilling our customers’ needs is our business and our pleasure”, as it says on our web site.

I know, I know.  But it’s the only job I could get.

Tell you what, though, after this call you’ll get an email, asking you to rate your experience? A big smiley green face for every category would be nice.

Thanks!  Yeah, you too.

Er… no, I’d rather not meet up outside work, if you don’t mind. It’s against company policy.  Plus… y’know, the used tampon thing.

Yeah, sure.  Don’t forget the smiley face, now!  Remember, I’ve got your address.

Sure.  Anything else I can do for you today? OK, well, I will action that for you now, Mr Curtis. Thank you for calling FDS Fulfilment Solutions. Fulfilling our customers’ needs is our business and  – oh, you’ve gone. Bye, then.

Shanaya!  Just going on a break!

THE END

They say that jobs like Katie’s are likely to be among the first to succumb to the AI revolution, but surely this little tale illustrates some of the downsides to that? Sure, AIs can do amazing things but could an AI have sent poor Mr Curtis a used tampon for him to masturbate over? OK, not all the customers need that kind of attention for their enquiries, but isn’t it worth keeping that option open, FDS Fulfilment Solutions? There’s more to life than profit, you know: the human touch matters too.

As it happens, though, Katie doesn’t work there any more. Despite being named ‘Employee of the Month’ soon after the events of this story, she decided on a career change and is apparently making more than ten times as much money as she used to. Isn’t that great? I asked her what the new job was and she just giggled and said that fulfilling her customers’ needs is now her business – and her pleasure. Make of that what you will.