blonde – Contemplating the divine

To call a man an animal is to flatter him; he’s a machine, a walking dildo.

Valerie Solanas said that, bless her little cotton socks.

The male gaze is often directed inappropriately, such as when men attempt to peek away from the wall during corner time. Fortunately, women know of techniques to help us learn not to look where we mustn’t.

They might even try a little roleplay later on.

In Valerie Solanas’s utopia, the testicles themselves would be illegal contraband and confiscated at the border.

In my experience, women really hate it when you lose consciousness during a heavy pain session. And if you think about it, it’s a very selfish thing to do: putting your own needs ahead of hers.

Some men spend their whole lives chasing after beautiful women.

Soon after my marriage I learnt to stop worrying about being whipped and instead learned to worry about whether I was doing everything I could to please my SO. You might see it as a mere semantic distinction, as the two are so closely linked, but I found it helped.

Incidentally, you might be interested to learn that I have discovered the man who holds the best job in the world. Doesn’t look very happy about it, does he? Perhaps he’ll resign and they’ll advertise for a replacement… we can but dream.

What matters in life

And who.

Don’t worry: as long as it’s perfect, you’ll be fine.

They do say a change is as good as a rest but clearly ‘they’ have never had nipple clamps pointlessly snapped off and then clipped back on again.

Sometimes a young person will see something and simply think: ‘Yes, this – *this* – is what I want to spend the rest of my life doing’.

The staff there are all experienced in pain management, but Nurse Stevens is the real expert.

He might have misunderstood what ‘room and board’ meant at the OWK.

Kitten likes her men to be healthy. Except some of the older richer ones, who have redrafted their wills to better reflect their true wishes.

The wise man knows himself to be a fool

And I don’t claim to be wise enough for that, but at least I have the self-awareness to pay ladies to tell me what an idiot I am.

It’s good they have a relationship where he can just get down on his knees and admit to things like this.

Looks like someone forgot rule 7…

Poor old fat bastard is going to need counselling after the session, Fortunately, that’s something she provides too – she specialises in men who suffer from anxiety.

Nata’s got so much love to take and so little time.

On the packet it does say ‘not to be ingested’, but she says ‘lick it all off’ and who are you going to obey?

Some might find these contraptions excessively complicated, but Barbara’s not afraid to try things and just keep trying until they work out.

…but only if she says you can

Don’t worry: she knows how important it is to you, that’s why she wants to think about it for a while.

Naughty boys should be seen and not heard, unless your set-up runs to a subterranean cell equipped with a feeding tube and high-pressure cleaning nozzles, in which case they don’t have to be seen either,

She’s de Lacy…

She believes it’s important to have a relationship with male colleagues based on mutual understanding. Not mutual respect – that only goes one way. But mutual understanding, certainly.

She’s never really fancied findomme, but she might be persuaded to take your money and ignore you if you can make it worth her while.

Whoops! Evidently, I forgot. Would you mind if I throw myself at your feet and plead desperately for mercy?

When she canes, she usually gives out four factorial strokes in each session, but sometimes offers a choice between that and the cube root of thirteen thousand eight hundred and twenty-four.

Quant à moi, peu dormi, vidé, brimé

C’est le 14 juillet, et nous célébrons les déesses républicaines françaises telles que Marianne et… euh…

Liberté, Egalité, Sororité!

Bon, je pense que ça suffit pour la langue française aujourd’hui.

Captions with a vaguely French connection, anyway.

Paris is famous for its stylish leather goods.

One from my ‘advice to a US sub visiting Europe‘ occasional series, obviously. The caption is deliberately misleading: the French insist on following their own local food customs, so you’ll probably find yourself swallowing butts from unfiltered Gauloises, rather then some mild ‘low tar’ cigarettes.

As the label might indicate to even the most male-brained reader, this is of course the magnificent, elegant and beautiful Ibicella, who can be found, worshipped and, ideally, donated to at the address shown. And here she is being adorable.

You might not learn many words in French, but you’ll be *really* good on everyday (and every hour, minute and second) politeness.

And do I really need to mention this is Mistress Eleise? Look, I like maple syrup as much as the next slave, but I can tell you: it is not Canada’s greatest export. I’ve tried both.

Her dungeon doesn’t actually have a view of the Tour Eiffel, you understand. It doesn’t have a view of anything.

There are actually plusieurs esclaves, but they are all much the same.

Or maybe they’re just trying to make things more interesting for the ladies.

P.S. Allez les Bleus! Mais aussi les lions anglais…

P.P.S. OK, so the Bleus didn’t really allez. Or not as much as the Spanish went ándale ándale ándale anyway. So to cheer up any depressed frenchmen – or heterosexual males of any sort, I imagine – here’s the lovely Ibicella, being patriotic.

Baby watch her eyes, you better watch her eyes

Anything you feel swelling up underneath you when you’re being spanked over Dave’s lap should be kept strictly as a secret between you and him, OK? It’s a guy thing: no need for her to know.

Fashion photographers can be so annoying. Just ask the ladies in this sweet little scene..

I mean, she’d never *actually* do it, right? You know that, right? ‘Course you do. So stop dithering and let her strap you down.

And your orgasms are even specialer, being so rare.

First goddess in my life, maybe…. I mean, I *liked* The Damned too, and The Undertones but… Ah, to be looked at, the way she looks at Kermit.

And here’s Captain Sensible performing ‘Wot’ on French TV, because pourquoi pas?

Men think of castration in such all-or-nothing terms, that’s the problem.

When you see someone putting on her Big Boots, you can be pretty sure that an Adventure is going to happen

There’s a theme today. See if you can guess what it is.

Looks like she’s come well prepared for the performance review. That’s so important.

Hmm… I mean, if food tastes strongly of leathery, sweaty boot, is it technically vegetarian? Probably best not to argue, but…

Actually, she won’t mind if he’s not a brave boy. She can be quite easygoing like that.

This is the lovely Mistress Vixen; you probably recognised her already from her very distinctive hair.

We fucked-up weirdos can be very annoying. Fortunately, it’s OK to take it out on us.

Gracious, devilish, mythical ladies

Some women are very hard to satisfy. Others impossible. It’s about 50/50 between the two, in my experience.

Don’t worry, she’ll look after you and provide for all your needs.

You may kiss the floor a respectful distance away from the bride.

Don’t be too disappointed if his humiliation ideas are a bit basic – he’s new to this. And male, so sophistication isn’t really to be expected.

She is nothing if not consistent. Except when she decides on a whim to be capricious.

He’s right about one thing: it *will* be an experience.

Well-behaved women seldom make history

More glimpses of bygone worlds: male inferiority is really nothing new. Should have been last week, but rocket went up.

Justice must be seen to be done – and preferably enjoyed.

She’s an idealist, always hoping for perfection.

Actually, it’s all worked out quite well, as she finds she gets more enjoyment from producing her own eunuchs than merely buying them in.

Just as well: he’s a very poor dancer but his swallowing skills are renowned across the county.

The winner of the tournament will receive his lady’s favour. As will all the other participants, to be honest, as she finds they tire easily.

She is firmly opposed to almost all forms of cruelty and her husband will simply have to reconcile himself to that.

Woman’s inhumanity to man

Which is obviously fine, humanity being properly reserved for humans not apes or maggots.

I’ve heard the trick is to think about other things, OK? The two weeks will fly by. Now hurry up with that lotion: she’s waiting.

And if you’re *not* actually her 4 o’clock pervert, just go on up anyway. She isn’t particular.

Realistic goals, firm boundaries, severe consequences. Secret of a happy marriage, right?

She’s right, they’re already starting to look ugly and horrible.

Particularly disappointing given the ants’ matriatrchal society. You’d think they’d at least have a nibble… ant cannot live on honey alone.

Even the grimmest, most unpleasant situations can benefit from a little joke, he always used to say.

Incidentally, my captions here often feature the wonderful Mistress Eleise (with whom I had the pleasure and pain in Paris of a session or three) objecting to blonde jokes. But that’s just my invention. Maybe she really likes them, collects them and treasures examples in which the blonde is being particularly dumb? If anyone visits Canada and if she’s still working, do try a few out and let us know how it goes.