bride – Contemplating the divine

Getting your unjust deserts

Or desserts, even, if you’re into messy food play (or toilet play, for that matter).

I’ve never disappointed a woman in bed. Sexually, I mean. I spend my life disappointing women in other ways, in other places, obviously.

Why would anyone look closely? Horrible male bottoms… we don’t pay dommes enough for thrashing away at them.

I’d hate to try hypnotherapy, as I have this deep-seated feeling of terror at the thought of losing control. I suppose that might sound odd – in the lifestyle I live with my SO, have I not already lost control, you might ask? Yes, I have, and I spend my life feeling terror – thank you for asking.

The two options are (1) handing them cash and fucking off or (2) handing them cash and not fucking off just yet, in case they need more cash, basically. Of course, they’re not *your* options.

Let’s hope she switches the light off, or you’re in for a sleepless night, I’m afraid. I don’t suppose you could reach the…? No, no I suppose not.

*** **WORDPRESS READER WARNING** ***
Our fact-checkers have red-flagged this claim as ‘Unsupported by evidence. Probable misinformation’. And they reckon the rest of the blog’s a load of old wank, too.

(The real thing: Mistress Eleise de Lacey)

No special Valentine’s Day theme today, you might ask? Well, you see, when you’re in a long-term relationship as I am, you don’t need a special day to show your love. Valentine’s Day is just another day as I see it, or rather, every day is Valentine’s Day.

That’s my take on it.

Unfortunately, my SO took a different view and expected a present. So we discussed it in our usual way and once we reached the part of the discussion where she takes the gag out of my mouth and reduces the tempo of whipping so that I can gasp out coherent words, I explained how for me, every day was Valentine’s Day. So now she expects a present every day. She says she’ll be giving me something every day too, to remember this conversation by. So that’s nice.

They do say love has no boundaries or limits and I’ve certainly discovered that to be the case, today and every day.

Authoritative statements

I have a right to stand up for myself, don’t I? And to bend over for someone else if so ordered, too, of course.

Quite right only to use the low settings unless there’s some kind of silly refusal or sulkiness. It’s a solemn and dignified service, she doesn’t want it punctuated by shrieks of agony. Plenty of time for that tonight.

Whatever the service – haircut, tax return advice, torture, anything – it’s always reassuring to know you’re going to be in the hands of a professional.

Polite society in those days of course frowned upon explicit reference to certain natural bodily functions, so the phrase used when a man performed this service for a lady was ‘paying his respects to her’. Knowing that gives a whole new flavour to reading Austen.

Combining cage-play and pool-play can be a bit edgy but sometimes it can be just what a relationship needs, to help them both move on.

Actually, in long-term chastity play it can often be better if the keyholder does *not* wear sexy, fetishistic items during unlocking sessions. Takes a little longer to reach orgasm, you see, and – even a few extra seconds are precious. He hasn’t realised that yet but he’ll have plenty of time to think about it.

Good boys always follow

As Ms Harry said, and I don’t think there’s any arguing with that.

I’m just relieved that the pins all the bridesmaids were issued with are for symbolic purposes. I’d imagined… well, it doesn’t matter, does it?

Males have difficulty sometimes in following through the logical consequences of their own statements. It’s not really their fault, they’re just morons.

Her company takes bullying very seriously. So does she.

Part of the reason the Kerbside Sexist Service is so popular, of course, is the generous rebates of up to 1000% on the subscription fee, paid by the sexists themselves. It makes ‘peace of mind’ very affordable.

Yeah, weird that. Mine are mostly for locksmiths, for reasons I’ve never understood, but at least that’s not something my SO could find objectionable, I suppose.

How soon ‘not now’ becomes ‘never’

I think Martin Luther said that. He rarely features in online femdom porn: odd because I’m pretty sure I read somewhere he subsisted on a diet of worms, which sounds pretty hardcore. Like many subs, I am much more into Catholic guilt anyway.

On we go.

‘Several’. OK. That’s better than ‘a few’. And ‘a few’ can be quite a lot, as I discovered when my SO decided to give me a few strokes of the cane the other day.

Yeah, but you don’t get that personal touch of being contemptuously ignored.

Ah – a religiously-themed caption, to actually fit with the title of today’s post. Except it doesn’t. Content is usually unrelated, as I imagine you’ve worked out by now. Anyway, she seems to take her duties very seriously, even finding joy in them, so good for her.

The pain she’s currently got planned for him is necessary, but not sufficient. Not sufficient for her, anyway.

And another religious-themed caption. Any caption featuring the divine Anya is necessarily religious-themed.

Control the beast

You should care about her a lot more than she cares about you. But you probably do anyway, even without realising it.

It’s only about 40 minutes walk, in those high heels. And at her very reasonable tribute rates, that’s only a little more expensive than taking… oh, a helicopter, I suppose?

Don’t worry, they’ve all given their consent: in fact, they renew that consent in a lovely little ceremony every morning, just after the 5am work detail finishes.

Oooh – that’ll be your first discussion as a married couple! I wonder if it will feel different?

In the event, Treasure decided to keep the jar. It’s not that she wants to look at the disgusting thing, but she said she likes to know it’s there, you know? And I suppose it has sentimental value for you, too, so maybe she was thinking of that as well.

I hope the boys appreciate how pretty it is, this time, rather than just ripping it off.

Lowly thoughts

It’s no one’s fault but your own, you know. Well… I expect they’ll blame 216 for it, too.

Many brides get nervous, before their wedding nights, especially when, like her, they’re not very experienced with men. But really it’s the groom who should be scared.

They have an office policy on sexual discrimination and harassment: it’s quite detailed.

Just wait it out… are you master in your own house or not? Anyway, she’ll probably do the ‘half”…’a quarter’ thing.

Malicious maidens

Don’t forget to agree a safeword – not ‘auurrgh!’

My wedding night was memorable… I still occasionally wake up in a cold sweat of terror.

They’re always looking for volunteers for their practice sessions, if you want a free show.

She’s a bit fierce on the hockey field… finds it to be a place where she can work off her anger.

You might think that jerking yourself off in front of a mocking naked girl is humiliating, but is it really worse than jerking off in front of a computer, all alone in your room with your trousers around your ankles? Hmm?

PS, I understand there’s some kind of election taking place today, in one or other of Britain’s former colonies. As a non-American, obviously I cannot advise anyone who does have that status on how to vote (although I’m happy to provide tips on how to spell words like ‘neighbour”, to point out that the phrase ‘I could care less’ actually makes no sense at all and to explain the difference between jelly and jam). The important thing is to vote, regardless of which candidate you… you… what am I saying? He’s a deranged idiot, everyone who has ever worked with him says so, how could anybody even be thinking of… oh, just do what you’re going to do. I suppose anyone whose vote might be swayed by what they read on a pornographic blog like this probably shouldn’t be voting at all, on general principles, right? But… I mean to say. Really. Again? Fucking hell.

She is your everything

… which is just as well, as you’re her nothing.

Oddly enough, I was actually engaged in SPH play years before I even knew what it was – in the school changing room, for instance. I guess I’m just a natural.

Don’t worry, she generally just takes little light puffs, she doesn’t pull on it to drag it down quickly. Unless she’s had a hard day or something like that, obviously.

In a very real sense, marriage to her is a stress position, so it’s all good practice.

I find being on a leash quite reassuring. My SO got one of those extendable ones – you know, that have a kind of wheel that can pay out to allow the pet to run off some way – and I have to say, I felt almost agoraphobic with it on. Unfortunately, it broke one day when I was fetching it, and after a good hard discussion of why ‘it broke’ I was dragged out of the door on the good old chain.

Bunnies are actually savage little creatures. True fact (read Watership Down). Perhaps that’s what inspires these lovely ladies.

Hmm… looks like Jake was a bit surprised by that! He really shouldn’t have been – anyone could have guessed that Bluetooth connectivity was likely to come up. Now he’s going to get all embarrassed by having his ignorance shown up right there on stage.

Wait until she gets home

And if, when she does, she doesn’t come to open the cage, you can wait until she goes out again, too, and then start the whole thing all over again. It helps pass the time.